Day 557 (no PMO)
Day 32 (no looking at porn or porn substitutes)
I haven't posted a lot over the past few weeks, mainly because I've been pleasantly busy but also because I feel I don't have anything new to say. But over the past few days I've had some new insights.
Taking a look through the intriguing
Easy Peasy website, a few things turned on some lightbulbs in my head.
Perceiving yourself as a loser if you miss out on sex, as if it’s the most important thing in the human experience.
Sex is fun and should certainly be a part of everyone's life. A long lasting porn addiction has warped my mind, ruined my libido, and I often despair about the sex life I have never really had. Even when I start dating again, the idea of not being able to perform sexually is very frightening. But maybe - as the Easy Peasy author points out - maybe sex isn't the most important thing in the human experience. I'm guessing most couples' time together in a relationship is probably 95% non-sex and about 5% sex. But that 5% carries so much weight!
This is one of the many ways that porn warps our minds: sex is the ultimate activity and men should be able to stay hard for hours and boink all night long. In real life, not so much. Do I want good sex in a relationship? Of course. But what I mainly want is companionship, friendship, and affection.
Since I'm in flatline, MO isn't fun and I have largely given up on it. I have these weird debates when it comes to thinking about sex. At first, I told myself no, because "thinking about sex" was really thinking about porn. Then, in order to MO, I had to think about real women. Either situation was strange to me, because for years all I had to do is look at porn and then everything went on terrible auto-pilot.
So at the moment, I tell myself not to think about sex. Not because I am fearful of sex, not because of any moral reasons, but because of the idea above: we're taught that sex is the most important thing in the human experience and I'm a loser if I miss out on sex, or at the very least think about it. Here's a crazy idea: why don't I stop thinking about sex until I start dating a woman and it's time to have sex? I don't constantly think about doing my taxes until it's time to do my taxes.
Porn is difficult to give up because of the fear we’re being deprived of our pleasure or prop. The fear that certain pleasant situations will never be quite the same again. Fear you’ll be left unable to cope with stressful situations. In other words, it’s the effects of brainwashing deluding us into believing that sex — and by extension orgasm — is a must for all human beings. Even further, it’s the belief there’s something inherent in internet porn that we need, and that when we stop using we will be denying ourselves and creating a void.
Ah yes, the void. Throughout the 18 months of my reboot and no PMO, I have felt like something was missing. My day or my week is never complete. I rush to do my weekend errands so I have time to... Do what exactly? Waste more of my life looking at porn or endlessly loitering on the internet hoping it will make the dopamine flow?
I now realize there IS something missing from my life: bullshit. I'm doing my best these days to spend my time doing things that are positive, productive, and creative.