quit for good

[Phineas 808]

My routines are far different than 3 years ago or even a year ago I have gone long steaks clean and lots of short streaks. I am no longer obsessed over it and the times i was on it the last few years were far shorter and less extreme... Almost weaning myself off of it over time, and as time goes by the patterns seem to break more and more. Never thought this was going to be a 4 year long process. But I think I really needed to look at what is keeping me going back rather than why I started in the 1st place. Looking at those "issues" and finding more constructive ways to deal with them. I see victory in my future

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Good going, Joe! You're inspiring.

What you say above has been my story lately, the patterns are breaking up, and use is waning, lessening in duration and intensity. Heck, my latest experiences was a matter of getting bored with it...!

Healing the why's is where I'm at, too. Breaking the habit is the first part, and the why's the second.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

My routines are far different than 3 years ago or even a year ago I have gone long steaks clean and lots of short streaks. I am no longer obsessed over it and the times i was on it the last few years were far shorter and less extreme... Almost weaning myself off of it over time, and as time goes by the patterns seem to break more and more. Never thought this was going to be a 4 year long process. But I think I really needed to look at what is keeping me going back rather than why I started in the 1st place. Looking at those "issues" and finding more constructive ways to deal with them. I see victory in my future

Post often it helps me it helps you

Sounds excellent, man.

 

[joepanic]

Thanks for the conversation guys

I am not 8 days clean and the difference this time is I haven't actually had one urge at all. This is new for me. many times I have gone for a few weeks clean and even over 90 days a few times but I always had urges. I managed them for the most part but this time not even an urge to manage. I am trying to figure out what is different this time. There were a few triggers but they were easily managed. Basically a scene in a movie or tv show. I just thought about it and just told myself this "scene" doesnt have to lead me to a "session"(a session being pmo). and just kept watching the movie. I am quite curious as to the changes this time round.

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[Phineas 808]

There were a few triggers but they were easily managed. Basically a scene in a movie or tv show. I just thought about it and just told myself this "scene" doesnt have to lead me to a "session"(a session being pmo). and just kept watching the movie. I am quite curious as to the changes this time round.

I think that what's different is actually this, what you wrote. Because you allowed an exposure to not lead to a response, and that didn't feed the urges. If you've ever heard of ERP (Exposure Response Prevention), it's where the OCD patient, or the addicted client is purposely exposed to their cues or triggers, but any kind of response (pro or con) is denied.

You had an ERP moment, without knowing what it was..., and I think the not acting on the urge made the difference.

 

[joepanic]

Interesting concept Phineas. perhaps when I have some time I will look into it. At the moment I think I have spent enough time breaking the patterns and self reasoning why I think porn was bad for me that I am seeing more success as time goes by. But this is something that I have been doing for 4 years now and I think the difference now is that I have also built up some confidence to stand up to certain people. My wife(who I love dearly but is a very strong personality....and only to me) even my overbearing parents(in there mid 70s.... who still think the family's world revolves around them) and even co workers(who rally for position selling each other out at the drop of a hat). It seems to me confidence is everything and addiction, no matter what flavour takes that confidence away. I had a few small victories in staying away from porn and used those victories to build confidence in myself to continue the fight.

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[joepanic]

well it's been a few weeks since I have been on. Things have been quite busy and there are issues at this site that have made me not want to come here from time to time. At the moment I have not been able to find another forum that suits me. So it is what it is. I am more than happy with my progress. Gone are the days of "extreme porn. Gone are the days of cross dressing. That one makes me really happy. Gone are the hours long sessions Especially the chat. I think that one bothered me because of the connection. I just don't need it anymore.

Cheers to all

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[joepanic]

Well wouldn't you know it Fell off the bloody wagon again.. So much turmoil at home these days I went straight for the escape pod. The only option available to me to keep from temporarily walking away from my home till others around this house get their shit sorted out. Gonna have to look at things again and try a different stratagy

 

[Phineas 808]

We all have been there, Joe- and could (potentially) be there again! Sorry for your recent struggles.

I know home life is so tied up in this addiction, that our most close relationships push all the 'right' buttons. But you're naturally just seeking to come back to a place of normalcy, and you'll get there without any of the extras... Regardless, even if we did a little extra to get back to that place, we have a brand new day to make a go of it with a fresh and new approach.

Here's to finding your footing and traction soon!

 

[joepanic]

Thanks for tuning in Phineas I have been good since Thursday at noon back on track I suppose no cravings no triggers none of that stuff and in a funny way no shame or depression. It happened and thats sort of the end of it. I just keep going

Cheers

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[Phineas 808]

...and in a funny way no shame or depression. It happened and thats sort of the end of it. I just keep going

And that's often times the best approach, especially the 'no shame' part.

Cheers.

 

[joepanic]

I don't really understand the whole "shame" thing here We are addicts. It's a #$%$@ disease. I think for most it has to do with the perception of others. We are made to feel ashamed by them. I don't believe that serves any purpose or helps in any way.

Cheers

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[Phineas 808]

Your exactly right, and in my case that shaming started super early. This was home life, school, and later work. Shameful thinking became a thing I believed about myself on some core-level. Of course this became a major driver of my addiction.

Learning grace, which I know is a spiritual concept, flipped shame on it's head for me. But I think that anyone can believe that they are fundamentally loved, regardless of belief or non-belief. People in our life may or may not affirm this, but the fact that we wake up, have sunlight on our face, and food in our stomach tells us that regardless of our issues, we get a new day to start over, and all is forgiven.

Peace.

 

[Simonly]

I don't really understand the whole "shame" thing here We are addicts. It's a #$%$@ disease. I think for most it has to do with the perception of others. We are made to feel ashamed by them. I don't believe that serves any purpose or helps in any way.

Cheers

Post often it helps me it helps you

@joepanic You contributed to my journal on a similar line ... and it makes complete sense to me.

"Shame" is a self conceived emotion based on a negative evaluation of ones self.

We either base our evaluation on comparison to others, or rather on what standards we retrospectively deem to have been "correct".

Feeling "shame" that we shouldn't have allowed ourselves to become addicted, is too late when we have already become an addict.

The reality is that a Tobacconist wants as many people as can be persuaded to smoke as many cigarettes as they can ... before they die. Likewise, a Brewer who makes beer.

Porn lured us towards paying for cam sessions, chat rooms, to disclose credit card details, etc... with complete disregard to the our wellbeing.

We can't undo the past, but instead we can use the energy to build a better future for ourselves.

... and so onwards we go!

 

[joepanic]

So I did post this in the partners section earlier today and of course it was shut down I believe it is still there but no comments can be made to the thread.

I must say in over 4 years of fighting this and seeing the victory in site i feel its time to post herein the partners section. Where does the some of the blame lay in it taking this long to beat this demon? Some of it I will lay at my partners feet. Her need for power and control over our lives is probably the number one reason. After 15 years of marriage I now see the results of her decision making. A very much her way or the highway mentality which has now trickled down to an 18 year old daughter who has said to my face that " I have the god given right to live my life as I dammed well please and if you have a problem with that you can go fuck yourself" No wonder some of us turn to a vice to get through. The only talk you usually hear in this section is the issue of trust. Yes trust should be everything in a relationship. And in my case there was no "breach of trust" My wife knew I surfed porn and couldn't have cared less. We have sex we do things together She is not "neglected" But the frustration of her outlook and how she needs to live her life can at times be very frustrating. Perhaps it might have been easier to get out 12 years ago and start over.... only one glitch there. I love her deeply. These issues have been discussed between us on many occasion. The result is usually less sex in our marriage. That I can live withy these days

The other reason I found it hard to fight this was a few partners who took it upon themselves to tell me I was no being the "best version of myself" I could be for fighting this in a way that I saw fit. This was done on my Journal. Incredible how I am in the fight of my life and to have someone tell me i am doing it all wrong because the only "experience" they really have is in their own struggle with their porn addicted or rebooting partner. Never once did i take it upon myself to involve myself in a partners journal and throw my opinions and arguments in and say "perhaps they need to do something different" Until now.

Winning the fight

 

[joepanic]

No worries dude but I think I have said a few things many are afraid to say

 

[joepanic]

I think you were a little more diplomatic than I was. I’m no woman hater by any stretch but these situations are almost never as one sided as we can be led to believe.

I think what really burns my ass is the fact that partners feel entitled to throw their opinions out there on any given journal, but take one step into their realm and the shit will hit the fan. I'm going to put it out there that 2 in particular top that list. In my opinion they are nothing but good old fashioned busybodies. The mere fact that they know nothing about me or my relationship but have the gall to just decide for themselves what is best just turns my stomach

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[joepanic]

3 good solid days where I easily fended off any triggers outlook a little better. It seems since I "stood up" for myself against the women in my world I am finding it easier to stay away from porn. Tomorrow (Monday) is going to be the test. I think I am glad Gabe has left my rant i posted in the partners section. I think I said something that needed to be said here. Even though no one is allowed to respond to it at least I get to say my side of the story. Hoping to connect with others tomorrow. if I get through it it might be clear sailing for a few days after that

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[joepanic]

5 days no porn 8 days no chat several weeks no cross dressing(this makes me happier than anything)

my biggest issues of course are cross dressing followed by chat than porn so I am for sure heading in the direction i want to

I had taken some time earlier to re read my journal It was quite long but interesting. It also allowed me to look back on my addiction, As much as I was probably addicted by age 13 or 14 I would never had come to the conclusion that i was addicted. i only made that conclusion 5 or 6 years ago at best. I look back to a time when I was about 15 or so when I took my stash of magazines(which I can't fully remember how I even got at that age) put them in a plastic bag and buried them at the side of the house only to dig them up probably less than a week later. I may have even reburied them and dug them up again, There were incidents such as this over the years up till I would delete the porn on my computer only to download it again a week later. All the way through my life I had girlfriends who loved to watch porn with me. One I know still watches it(she is married to a friend of mine now) pretty much my wife is the only gal i that i have has a relationship with who has no interest in porn. With that being said I have to ask is porn really the problem or is it the bandage we wrap around a problem. I think if more people (including partners) fully understood what the real problems were perhaps way more people could beat the addiction a lot faster. Constantly rambling on about "the loss of trust" helps no one

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[GBS]

Like your posts joe. No cliches, no bs. I identify.

Not for me to pry, but can I ask….do you truly believe your wife when she says she doesn’t care if you watch porn? I think one would have to be pretty open minded not to care a little bit. My wife says she knew I looked at porn but let it slide, but now the problem is out there and my addiction is being addressed she admits it has hurt her over the years. Our problems are mixed up other ones too, but you are right that just saying the word trust is a bit glib really. Of course it’s trust, but it’s also friendship and reliability and character flaws we all endure. And it’s about love too.

Keep going. Keep posting. You’re one of the best at that by the way.

 

[joepanic]

Hey Gbs. Thank's for tuning in. yes I do believe my wife when she says it doesn't bother her. Several reasons. 1. We shave regular sex including some "mild" roleplay type stuff I have seen in porn and explained to her and she has enjoyed it. its something we always discussed before hand.
2 I have told her that if she ever wanted me to not look at it just to say so and i have told her i don't really care to watch it anymore for my own reasons. I've honest about my viewing habits. I have never told her I am outright addicted to it though but than again she never asked. I have had this argument with some partners on and off over the last 4 years and its all the same. I am sorry but if someone does not ask you the question you can not be a liar. It seems the partners here will lead you to believe that every porn addict is a liar and every partner of a porn addict is anti porn.

I am no stranger to controversy around here and I shoot straight from the hip. Did you hide your porn use from your wife? I never did. My wife saw my "small collection" of old Playboy magazines which I still have although they are stored away with other keepsakes. I have not pulled those out in years. To be honest I have probably close to 100 or more sexy photos of my wife. I probably shouldn't go into too many details at this point but we had a blast taking them over the last 10 years.

Yes trust and honesty is only a part of the recipe for a strong marriage. It's too bad more can't see that.

I made a post in the partners section explaining that some of the blame of "my continued use of porn was to be layed at the feet of my wife as well as partners here at this site for having tried to railroad me with relationship advice in this journal. Gabe shut it from further comments but left it there for all to see. Quite frankly when I stood up to my wife over some issues she has in her personality we were able to talk about them and now we get along better than we have for quite some time. As for discussing it with some of the partners here it was a much more frustrating endeavor.



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