I can do better in 2020

[BlueHeronFan]

That sounds like a better plan! If we always wait to do things until we can do them perfectly, we won't end up doing very much.

We learn by doing, and the more we do, the better we'll get. I know I'm always reluctant to get started on something when I don't already know exactly how it will work out, but that keeps me from doing a lot. I guess I just have to be more willing to get lost and keep trying.

 

[brandnewself]

Thank you Squid and Blue for your encouragement!

It's porn free day 31. I Mo'ed once last week when I felt the urge and couldn't fall asleep. It was a relatively conscious decision to fap so that I wouldn't turn to porn. I knew I might experience some chaser effect the following days so I was very cautious and I made it through without porn or fapping. However, I'm still unable to utilize my after-work time for self-improvement. I decided to be not so strict with myself and tried my best to not shame myself. Now after the first month, the real challenge begins. I know that the past month of porn free was mainly due to my low stress environment at home and mild cravings (since I overloaded my brain so bad last year or so). I still don't possess the tools to deal with stress or anxiety yet. If I continue to live mindlessly like right now, I'll eventually go back to porn.

Since the last attempts to create a daily plan have failed, I'm going to start with a simple task. It's not about my research, it's not about the language I'm learning, it's not about my work either. It's simply to read any book of my choice for one page every single day and report it here. I'm sure I can do it. This will be my starting point for a healthier life. Eventually I'll build my life around learning, practicing different skills and socializing. I have some truly excellent friends. Excellent not in the sense that they have achieved something huge in life already but they have been consistent with improving themselves. I could also see that some people on this forum have so much potential in life and they're on the right path to recovery. I'm learning from you guys through reading your posts and thoughts. Consistency is the key but I have to start small. There is no shame in it and I fully accept the fact that I've wasted so much time in life that I can't expect to be an excellent guy overnight. It will take time 100%. I need to work on it and I hope I can make it happen.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Consistency is the key but I have to start small. There is no shame in it and I fully accept the fact that I've wasted so much time in life that I can't expect to be an excellent guy overnight. It will take time 100%. I need to work on it and I hope I can make it happen.

That's exactly right! We're on a long-term path when it comes to recovery, and small things add up a lot over time.

I think reading one page and reporting on it is a great place to start. Do what you can stick with, and the rest will work out eventually.

 

[Kraken]

You got this man!  I'm starting to realize that the days I can't do my plan are usually because I am not prepared.  Sleeping enough, and getting in the right mental attitude is very important.  I'm excited to hear about the pages you read!

 

[brandnewself]

Thank you for the support Blue and Squid!
I'm going to the airport to pick up a friend soon so I won't have time to post here. I was 50% productive today. It might look bad for many people but for me it was ok. I managed to write a page of something my professor asked me to do. I didn't try to push myself for more. I'll write the other page another day. I'll learn to spend more time on important but boring things like this gradually. Bottom line is, I'm starting to take responsibility for my life. I just gotta do what I gotta do.

Daily reading:
I started reading "awaken the giant within" today. It's a book that I downloaded a few months ago and finally I'm starting to read it. I read it out loud to help myself focus better and also practice my English a bit. So far it's pretty interesting to read. The first few pages Tony just described how much his life has changed in 10 years and everything is so incredible for him right now.
I hope this book can give me some strength as well as a direction.

Cheers guys!

 

[Kraken]

Good stuff man.  I listen to a lot of motivational audiobooks and books about goal setting too.  They have been very helpful to me.

I have a suggestion.  You should change the title of your journal to something positive and declarative.  2019 is the year.  No question about it bro

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Sounds like an interesting read, keep it up!

Picking up friends at the airport is definitely productive (even if it sometimes feels like a distraction from real work). I always get a little mad when I have to give up my plans in order to help someone else, but that's not right. It can be hard to find a balance between productivity/self-care and being a selfless and helpful person.

Either way, go get 'em!

 

[brandnewself]

Good stuff man.  I listen to a lot of motivational audiobooks and books about goal setting too.  They have been very helpful to me.

I have a suggestion.  You should change the title of your journal to something positive and declarative.  2019 is the year.  No question about it bro

Haha Thanks for the suggestion! Honestly I wrote a question as a title because I didn't want to feel bad about relapses anymore. I promised myself so many times that I would never PMO again but I kept doing it. This kind of making a promise and then breaking it is really not helpful for me psychologically. I would keep the title this way and if I can make it through 2019 safely then I will change the title to something like "2020 is the year" haha.

Sounds like an interesting read, keep it up!

Picking up friends at the airport is definitely productive (even if it sometimes feels like a distraction from real work). I always get a little mad when I have to give up my plans in order to help someone else, but that's not right. It can be hard to find a balance between productivity/self-care and being a selfless and helpful person.

Either way, go get 'em!

Haha for me picking up my friend is something I enjoy doing actually. Plus I'm just doing an internship so it's not as important.

Now onto day 41 (something like that). Maybe I should get a counter so I don't have to do the math when I want to check which day I'm on. It's not that important though, I should focus more on real life than this number. Honestly one of the motivations for me to keep this streak going is to make me look good here: hey look I'm still going. I'm not sure this is a good thing as this kind of thinking is really destructive sometimes. Especially if I somehow relapse then I would lose my motivation to restart. But it's part of me, part of my greed or ego or whatever. So I should acknowledge it but not let it grow.
I know I promised to post here daily about the book I read but I didn't do it. I had a road trip with friends and I didn't read. After I came back I got lazy for 2 days and then I read for two days but I didn't have the energy to post at night. Yesterday I had date so I didn't read as well.
I'll talk about the date now and then about the reading in the evening (including the pages I will read today. Now it's morning where I am).

It's the first date I had since summer 2016... It's someone my friend introduced me to. I'll call the girl J. I met her first time two weeks ago when my friend introduced us. The first time I met her I didn't feel much about her as her look isn't the kind that I'm super attracted to. I think she looks good but you know sometimes it's just not the type we're looking for. Putting looks aside, she is really smart and knows how to handle a conversation and she laughs a lot which I like. She is also hardworking and disciplined. I was really hesitant to ask her out as I wasn't sure if I'm attracted to her and also she is not the type of girl for just hookup (I'm going back to school abroad in 40 days). In other words, I didn't want to complicate the situation since she is a good friend of my friend's girlfriend... Later that week I invited her to my home party and I found that I was more attracted to her than the first time. After the party I thought about the whole thing and I realized that I was always a thinker rather than a doer. I didn't want my overthinking to ruin my life anymore. Besides that, I felt like I'll like her more if I get to know her better. So I decided to give it a try and asked her out for a movie. It turns out to be a really good decision!
She was happy to go out with me and she bought the tickets and drinks for me. It was a really good signal. We really had fun watching the film and we sat really close to each other. We laughed a lot and she touched my hands and shoulders many times. Later we went to have dinner and drank a little bit. When we walked back to her dorms, she was walking really really close to me that she almost pushed me off road lol. I knew it was going well but since I'm too new to this dating game so it was really hard to overcome my psychological barrier to hold her hands or do something. I clearly felt her affection towards me and I'm flattered to be liked by someone. I'm determined to be more physical next time but I need a more relaxing and romantic environment. I wish I was the kind of the people who can just kiss or express themselves publicly but I'm not. But hey this is who I am so I accepted it. I will try to do better though. Now I'm looking forward to our next date ;D

 

[Kraken]

That's awesome!  Just breath deep and relax into it.  I bet as you become more comfortable with her you will become more expressive .  She obviously likes you so feel encouraged! 

 

[BlueHeronFan]

That is awesome! Congratulations on a good date!

You're making great progress, and you're right to be focused on life and not the number of days (the number is helpful, but it's not the point).

And for what it's worth, I don't think you have anything to regret about the date. I think we sometimes get the idea that things have to be physical to count, but I really support a first date without anything physical. You spent some time together and definitely learned that you're both interested in each other. What more could you want out of a first date? Focus on the connection (like your personalities and feelings and stuff) and the physical stuff will follow naturally.

Keep it up!

 

[brandnewself]

That's awesome!  Just breath deep and relax into it.  I bet as you become more comfortable with her you will become more expressive .  She obviously likes you so feel encouraged!

Thanks man! Will do ;D

That is awesome! Congratulations on a good date!

You're making great progress, and you're right to be focused on life and not the number of days (the number is helpful, but it's not the point).

And for what it's worth, I don't think you have anything to regret about the date. I think we sometimes get the idea that things have to be physical to count, but I really support a first date without anything physical. You spent some time together and definitely learned that you're both interested in each other. What more could you want out of a first date? Focus on the connection (like your personalities and feelings and stuff) and the physical stuff will follow naturally.

Keep it up!

Thanks Blue! Yeah you're right, it was a pretty good first date anyway. I'm not desperate to push the relationship forward. I simply overthink too much. But I guess it's quite normal for any guy on a date haha.

Today I just asked her out again for the evening. Since she is busy these days we will just be around her university and have dinner somewhere. I think we click well in some way and I'd like to know her better. Will see how it goes today.

Daily reading 2&3&4.
Awaken the giant within.
Tony introduced the five aspects of our life we need to focus on. They are emotional mastery, physical mastery, relationship mastery, financial mastery and time mastery. These are the things the book is about.
Chapter 2 is about decision making.
Think for a moment. Is there a difference between being interested in something, and being committed to it? You bet there is! Many times people say things like, "Gosh, I really would like to make more money" or "I'd really like to make a difference in the world." But that kind of statement is not a commitment at all. It's merely stating a preference... It's a weak prayer made without even the faith to launch it.
The internal system for making decision is comprised of five elements: 1 beliefs and unconscious rules, 2 your life values, 3 your references, 4 your habitual questions that you ask yourself and 5 the emotional state.

This makes a lot of sense. I barely made commitments in the past few years. Now I really need to think it through about what I really want in life or in the next few years or even just the next few months.

 

[Do or die]

And not lose your hope. You have plans . you just missed it for few days or months. Remind your past plans . leave your thinking of failure. Learn from your last relapse. Make a plan for preventing such type of relapse and also a plan for new urges. Be ready to fight with every thing tends you to relapse. If you relapsed then you are worrier.

There are so many mans don't do anything to quite. But you are fighting for good. It takes little bit recovery time. Be
Silent .  observe your strong and weak points. You can do it.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Today I just asked her out again for the evening. Since she is busy these days we will just be around her university and have dinner somewhere. I think we click well in some way and I'd like to know her better. Will see how it goes today.

That's awesome! I think low key is great. But I know what you mean about overthinking. I'm really good at doing that too.

Hope it goes great! And I'm glad you're still going along!

 

[brandnewself]

Thanks for the reply guys, I'm still going!

Right now I'm at day 48 but I'm at another stagnant point. From my previous reboot experiences, every once in a while I would encounter a stagnant point when I become less motivated about reboot, bored with life and not following through my plans. Usually at these points I don't particularly feel strong urges but most of the time I would fall back to PMO. Subconsciously I'm more used to and comfortable with the repetitive pattern of failure-reboot-failure as if that's my normal life. My mind always tricks me into thinking: "hey life is not moving forward again? Let's relapse, hit the rock bottom and you'll get your motivation back. This is what you always wanted and you'll always like it."
I know there are mainly two reasons why I'm successfully maintaining this streak so far. 1. I'm at home and I'm not in the stressful environment of my university. Instead of escaping reality on the internet (porn), I chose to escape reality in reality :. 2. I'm still taking advantage of my initial motivation and my flatline period. This is not a permanent fix and things will change real soon. I'll go back to my university and I need to start my research. Urges might come back as well and my motivation will decrease.
I know the only solution is to focus on my daily life and keep myself busy. I need to make me believe that my life is fulfilled and I am moving forward. I also need to cultivate important habits to deal with stress and anxiety. Reading is one way to distract myself from urges and to better myself intellectually but it's just one tool. I need more.
I need to balance myself in several areas. 1. Sports (exercise) 2. Eating healthy food 3. Less drinking 4. Meditation. I should make use of the last month of my time at home to build a strong defense against potential future urges. It's a battle against myself and I gotta play it smart.
I'll write down my plan on my notebook so I can physically see it all the time.

 

[Do or die]

Ok. Keep going. Congratulations for 48 days.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

It's awesome that you're thinking about what you'll do when you get back to the stress and busyness of school. Make a plan and stick to it.

It has been really helpful for me to change my focus: instead of trying to figure out how to live a life without any urges, I have focused on trying to live a life without acting on urges. On some level, we can't control the urges. We just have to accept them and choose not to do what they ask us to do.

Keep going strong!

 

[brandnewself]

It's awesome that you're thinking about what you'll do when you get back to the stress and busyness of school. Make a plan and stick to it.

It has been really helpful for me to change my focus: instead of trying to figure out how to live a life without any urges, I have focused on trying to live a life without acting on urges. On some level, we can't control the urges. We just have to accept them and choose not to do what they ask us to do.

Keep going strong!

"living a life without acting on urges" ---- that's a great understanding of what this journey is all about Blue. I'll try to internalize it. It's not an easy thing to do but I should keep it in mind all the time.

Ok. Keep going. Congratulations for 48 days.

Thanks Do or die, we will keep going together!

Another week passed safe and sound. I'm at Day 56.
I MO'ed once 2 days ago, without porn of course. I was very careful to just focus on the sensation itself. Compared to the MO I had one month ago, this time my erection was clearly better and the O was more intense. It's a good sign of healing and I'm happy about it. Masturbation kinda serves as an "emergency exit" for my urges. This makes it easier for me to not indulge on porn. I do need to be mindful about the chaser effect it causes. For now this strategy is working well.
My procrastination and anxiety still exist. It's something really hard to get rid of so I want to be more tolerant of myself. I find it extremely important to have some core beliefs when I'm emotionally weak (anxious, depressed, sad, angry, etc). Reading is a great way to build those core beliefs but I have to read more. I need to internalize certain philosophies to deal with urges. What Blue said above is one of those core beliefs I'm talking about. I think what differentiates a successful rebooter from others is these beliefs they hold.
The dates with the girl are going well. Last time we went for a movie she would rest her head on my shoulder and put her hand on my arm. Eventually I started holding her hands and it felt really good. My little thing down there even had an erection when she squeezed my hand lol. Those are some rewarding moments of this reboot for sure. I'll study with her in the afternoon and I'll see what happens then. It feels more natural to be with her now and this relieves myself from the pressure of "I have to do something". I enjoy this process a lot even though it's going slowly.
Keep going guys!! I'm with you all ;D

 

[BlueHeronFan]

Glad you're still moving along and enjoying the progress even when it's slow!

Sounds like some good stuff with those dates, too. Low-pressure time together and affection seems like a great place to be.

Keep it going!

 

[brandnewself]

Thanks Blue!

Day 63
These days I started to experience some relatively intense urges, maybe because my "flatline" period has passed. I know it's gonna be a long journey considering the fact that people relapse even after 4 months clean or more (including myself in the past). I need to be very careful with my thoughts and actions. I won't let my streak number give me a false sense of security. Things are not stable yet, I might fall back any day if I make the wrong choice. Relapse is a choice we make. Looking back at my previous relapses, I knew that I was going to relapse even days before the relapse itself but I refused to admit it and always tried to cover up this decision that I had made. Thankfully right now I'm not ready to relapse and I know it.

One good thing is that I started to be more mindful about my anxiety. Even little things trigger my anxiety and I tend to be constantly worrying about something. The other day I watched a TEDx talk about dealing with anxiety and the presenter showed some important techniques which I find useful.
Step 1. Externalize your anxiety.
Treat your anxiety as a pest whose only goal is to make you worry about things. Separate this pest from yourself.
Step 2. Analyze your thoughts and find misconceptions. There are 3 common misconceptions.
          1. Overestimating the likelihood of bad things happening.
          2. Catastrophizing the bad things.
          3. Falsely believing that you won't be able to recover from or deal with some consequences.
Step 3. Exposure. Once you start working on the thing you're afraid to do, most likely you will find it much easier than you thought it was. Take baby steps if necessary.
I'm practicing these 3 steps whenever I feel anxious about something. Sometimes there isn't even step 3 because you're just worried about something but it's not something you do.
Apart from these techniques, meditation also helps a ton for me. 5 min of breathing practices calm me down significantly.

 

[BlueHeronFan]

This is awesome!

You're exactly right that 63 days is no guarantee that you're in the clear. I think we're done for as soon as we start thinking that a relapse can't happen to us again. Always being aware that it is possible keeps us honest with ourselves and committed to keeping ourselves safe. Definitely stick with it and keep going strong.

I also like those ideas about dealing with anxiety. I really started feeling more anxiety in the last year or so, and I'm getting along okay, but I think those steps will help me too. Thanks for posting about it!