Well, I fetish fantasized, a bit last night then a bunch this morning. Catching it earlier is pretty important. So when I fantasized in bed about regular sex, that was a bigger problem then I realized MUCH bigger. If I am honest that was the turning point. I had a great day, had a good time with the girl, then I was tired and I decided to go in bed and fantasize about that girl. I realize fantasy about sex in bed is a big issue, I like go into a trance. So I really gotta cut that shit.
It was after that, my mood was totally different felt off and in hindsight, slightly triggered. Then had the really bad night and just wanted to fantasize. Funny how the mind rationalizes, I was like I shouldn't do this, it's a bad habit. Then the EXACT thought was "it's okay, I will never have a night this bad again so I will fantasize just for tonight".
PURE BULLSHIT: The night was not that bad.
I was on my couch reading with a strong urge, then got in to bed to read. I think I had already made a decision to fantasize awhile ago. I got a bit complacent, I was super tired. I think I needed to leave my apartment for a bit, maybe exercise. I was having a pretty easy time the last few days, so I simply was not prepared. AND I was triggered by the whole, feeling like I have no girls/ dating prospects mindset. Siggghhhh, well a lot to be learned here.
At least still PMO free, but gotta step it up with cutting out the fantasy AND remember just idk 20 hours ago I was feeling great
OH and One HUGE thing, the key actually. The ebook was a huge problem and honestly I think that one factor if removed could have kept me away from the fantasy..... Reading on screens is nowhere near the same and I was reading this awful book that is supposed to be funny "good reasons to punch a dolphin in the mouth". It was supposed to be funny but was just a bunch of shitty cartoon drawings of violence with some sexual images how stupid to read in hindsight. I had good intentions but was hard headed.
I was like reading it, feelling bad and triggered and I was like thinking "keep reading, when you read the triggers normally pass". That is true but reading on the screen is simply not the same and this book was crap, these lame ass cartoons on a computer screen. It was like surfing the internet on some backwater shitty website, which normally is a big trigger for P. Oh well, lesson learned. I already knew ebooks and reading on screeens SUCKS. I am offically cutting it out of my life permanently. Real books only, I swear the brain waves are not the same it is an entirely different experience and activity actual reading versus looking at a screen at words.