Very likely to have a weird combination of venous leakage with pied. (25)

J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Lots of nightmares.
I somehow gotta deliver today for university.

Later: I gather all my strenght just to barely get the stuff done, i am supposed to, if even so. I am not sure, how long i can keep this up. At least for PIED there was some kind of perspective. The possibility, that this whole bladder problem might never change is horrifying and takes up more hope, the longer this condition lasts.
I am not kidding, I told myself today, that i will try to hold on for half a year more. If there is no significant change, i will allow myself to commit suicide. It really feels like some kind of pragmatic solution and compromise. When i am not giving myself this option, i dont know how long i will be able to fight anymore. But i have to commit myself to give my all in this time. I will go to all the doctors, i will work on my studies as good as i am able to, i will not give up on my ED.
 
J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Night was pretty restful. I hope it will carry over throughout the day. I did not go to one of the courses. I wasnt able to prepare it. Its a shame, because missing one day can set one back pretty far with this topic. But i have got to work with it now.
I have got a dead line today, so there is not much wiggle room. Also it is important, that i work for another task for tomorrow.
The bladder has to hold its stuff together. Just a few more days, then there are two weeks of christmas holidays. I just have to make it to Saturday.

I have an appointment tomorrow. I had an MRI of my spine. Might bring some clarity, but i dont expect it to. Possible causes in connection with the spine dont really fit to the whole backgroung of symptoms i had.

I met an old close friend yesterday, but since my ex left me one and a half year ago and all the other stuff went down, we did not see each other very often. He asked me how i am doing and i just told him everything about my ED, my ex, my bladder problems, my problems with my studies right now. I just did not feel anymore like hiding all the shit. I am very sure, that i can trust him on not telling all the stuff around.

Whatever, enough talk. Lets hope for the best.
 
J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Bad nightmare.

Bladder problem got better the last day/hours. Its just a little strange, because the daily amount of urine is just very small. I have to keep an eye on that and observe, whether its a new trend.
 
J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Dont wanna call it too early, but this is the secound day in a row, the bladder feels much more stable and resistant. Man, i got burned too many times, but it is feeling better today, this is all i can say.

Thanks to that i also did well in my classes.
 
J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
I am so thankful! Third night in a row i slept very well. It also translated into me having pretty good and firm morning wood this morning.
I am not very spititual, but through the course of the last months i was often times so desperate, that i just prayed for healing. Dont know if thats related to me feeling better now, but i am in any case thankful.
Lets do the work man. I was the last six months basically just holding myself over water. Its time to followthrough on life.
 
J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Thanks for your thoughts Chris. :)

Had a beautiful day. Nothing special, just chilling and doing stuff from time to time.
 
J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
I just had a good and normal day. Bladder doesnt make almost any problems anymore.
I am very thankful for that.
I will find a way for my ED to heal. Either its PIED, then its about waiting and rewiring, or Venous Leak came back, then i have to find other soultions to the problem. Lastly it could be a combination of both. Whatever it is, i will find a way to live a happy life with it. As long as i can not see the doctor, i am focusing on abstaining from porn, maybe dating from time to time and most importantly on my studies.
 
J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Yeah man zander, it was so very necessary. After all we have been through, weve gotta make it to the other side.

Days are still not perfect, but still much better all around. I gotta see things in perspective. Even five days ago i was openly brooding about suicide and couldnt do pretty much anything. I gotta give myself more time. Bladder is still not healthy, but in comparison its so much better. Its now the same old song. Uncertainties about what the cause of my ED could be, are playing tricks on my mind and making it tough on me to feel motivated. But there is nothing i can do besides walking the walk and reinforce myself in keeping faith. There has to be a way out of this.
Most important thing is to not give up and giving my best every single day.
 
J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
It really doesnt matter with what kind of arguments and excuses my mind comes up with to not do the right stuff, especially for not feeling motivated to study.
Even if i get back my ability to get erections, it is necessary to have a job, which i do not hate, in order to feel happy in life. So if i want to have a chance to feel happy one day, i have to give it my best with studying. This is not optional. It doesnt matter how small of a chance i have to be happy one day. If i want to have a chance at all, i have to make this commitment.

Edit: Got a little scare, bladder started to do again some weird stuff. I hope it will resolve itself again.
 
J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Yesterday the bladder started to be tough on me again.
So far this day it stayed relatively calm, but i feel like, i still can not say for sure, what condition i am in right now. The last days were so good, i hope it will stay like this.
Getting motivated to do stuff was tough because of that. But i told myself to be patient with me right now. As i wrote a few days ago, i have got to see thing in perspective. But it still remains true, in order to become happy in life, i will have to find a way to get back in a good working routine.
Morning wood is on and off these days, but never very hard, maybe 60 %ish, 70% ish at best. But thats how it is, since this whole bladder problem started, in fact, it started to became a little better. So also there, i think its all about patience.
 
J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Good day, bladder was kind to me. I must be definitely on the way of getting healthy. Man this (half) year was just a fucking hell ride.

I had a productive day. I was studying quite a bit today.
Day after day i am making my way to the surface of this swamp i am in.
 
J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
I will try chris. Thank you.

Christmas always brings back bad memories about my ex. Dont know what else to write. Its always the same. I hope someday it will change.
 
J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Good day,

Bladder was making little to no problems yesterday and today. That is already a huge win. Besides that i think i managed to make a little breakthrough in my studies over the course of the last few days. That additionally makes it easier to be in a better mood.
If things stay like this, my ED will be the last big thing, that is really bugging me in a big way, which honestly would be great.
 
J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Today and yesterday were alright. Bladder is still doing its work. Its still not perfect, but did not got worse. Studies are still goind pretty smoothly. ED is still not so good as usual.
I am okay with what i have got at the moment. This also means depressions are not so bad as they were the last months.
I started thinking about what this year was like and what i am planning for next year. All in all i am right now pretty proud how i got throuh this tough year, which might have been even more difficult than the one before that. I have managed to get some things out of the way, which made it difficult to live a happy life. I am nearly one and half year porn free.
 
J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Hey Bilbo,

i did not masturbate since the time i had to give a sperm sample. That was 3 weeks ago.
I had a date with one girl, but i wasnt into her, so we stopped meeting each other. Also with the bladder problem it is/was difficult to motivate myself to engage in dating.

However today i felt really well about my bladder. I tried out a new sort of tea, that may have something to do with it. That even translated into me having a pretty strong spontanious erection, when i laid down for a little bit after lunch. It was not for a very long time, but i would say quality was maybe around to 80 or 90 percent. I feel like it has something to do with me feeling more relaxed and comfortbale due to my improved bladder health.
So i feel like when my bladder stays healthy like this dating is again on the table.

Studies are also staying constantly well these days.

Thanks for keep checking on me bilbo!

 
J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
Studies going well. Bladder is going well. Its just ED right now. I am now pretty positive that the bladder will regain its health completely.
 
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