First time posting here. Want to get rid of this. I heard support helps.

K

k-fff

Well-Known Member
day 12
I had several pmo dreams last night. They were dreams of me relapsing. The dreams consisted of back-and-forth I have had a lot of in the past. Pmo sessions would always start with a peek and escalate from there. They are characterized between me telling myself to stop and there is still time to stop without hurting my brain and also, a desire to finish. This made the sessions really long and resulted in the "unintentional" edging habit. It amazes how much time I wasted on this thing. It feels good to just be at 12 days now. Remembering that at the end of the day if I could go back in time would i have started p and knowing that I would not have has helped a lot so far.
 
K

k-fff

Well-Known Member
Day 16
My job low-balled me. My new salary would be trash which is what my current salary is. I expected this, but it is still a disappointment and it will break the relationship that I have currently with my coworker because I will likely have to change jobs to a far away location. This is probably a blessing in disguise, but now, this makes me really consider returning home to America. China is a frustrating place and there is no real point in explaining why it is because people will make excuses and it is like talking to a wall. At the end of the day, I am not particularly happy here, but I doubt I would be happy back home either. Ideally, I would rather move to Europe, but considering corona I am stuck with my home or China. I am glad I am not reacting with using porn to deal with this current issue and the stress. This does add a lot of stress, but using p to numb my emotions is the worse thing to do and I am setting myself up for a future where I can't handle anything by engaging in that sort of behavior. I am really happy I have no urges to use porn and I look forward to getting one month. Getting 60 days is my current goal because I have consistently relapsed on day 30. I expect to get into a severe flat line after day 90. I have done too much edging over the years and that wreaks utter havoc on the dopamine centers. The flatline might come sooner than that, but I expect after day 90 I will get it. I am not sure how long it will take to feel better, but for me feeling better in that sort of context wouldn't even be the goal. Healing is the only thing that matters. If I am depressed, I am depressed. If I have no libido, I have no libido so be it. There is more important things to life than sex and random joy. I don't say that out of cynicism, but out of recognition that my past behavior will catch up to me and rightfully so, I need to accept and prepare for those consequences. I just do not want to use porn ever again; it has given me nothing and I am always reminded of that when I remember I would have never seen porn to begin with. It is not real and it is empty. For me being strong enough to handle life is the best thing not wasting away in front of a screen.
 
K

k-fff

Well-Known Member
Day 17
I really had no time today to even think about pornography. I practiced piano for 5 hours and was just out the entire time. I am exhausted today because I didn't sleep well do to the stress from my job. The thing I am most happy about is that I didn't us porn at all to cope with my negative feelings and stress from getting screwed over by my job. These things are the most important. I am making progress with piano and moving towards my goal away from teaching. Teaching is pretty insufferable here for a variety of reasons. I am happy I am not using p first and foremost.
 
K

k-fff

Well-Known Member
Day 18
I had a lot of stress last night. I didn't fall asleep till later even though I was very tired. My mind kept telling me to mo to help myself calm down so I could fall asleep. I am happy I didn't. I think mo'ing in this context is a way of just simply avoiding negative feelings which leads into porn usage. It is important for me to get used to being stressed out and not reaching for a quick bandaid that makes thing worse long term. Emotional regression is a big deal to me and it is something I don't want to make worse for myself than I already have. I think I am better than most, but this urge to cope or to deal with bad feelings via a sexual outlet is cancerous. I don't blame myself for developing this habit considering this sort of thing is openly encouraged by society to deal with your stress via masturbation with or without porn. I do think partners can be a little unfair- I get that they are hurt etc- but we live in a hypersexualized society that shoves porn into everything and it does everything in its power to have people exposed to it. Addicts still have responsibility, but there is something seriously wrong if I have to worry about advertisements for sexual content or tv shows that literally have softcore pornography in them. Thankfully, I don't have an insane amount of triggers other than things being online and sex scenes in shows, but again, most tv is basically porn and should be criticized as such.
 
K

k-fff

Well-Known Member
Getting urges again. I am having some porn flashbacks. I'm having some weird urges after sex to MO. Personally, I would rather not.
 
K

k-fff

Well-Known Member
I am having weird urges now. I have a lot of urges to MO and look at things are gonna be a trigger like a hot-tub stream. Thankfully, I have avoided them. I really have an odd urge to MO and I don't why. I just had sex like two days ago. Anyway, I need to find a new job and something else to do. My current job is really comfortable in a way, but it is probably not good long term. I save a lot of money, but I am pretty sure at other places I could save more. I don't know. Realistically speaking moving jobs is so annoying, but I am getting paid like shit compared to my coworkers.
 
K

k-fff

Well-Known Member
MO'ed last night not happy about it. I am happy I am not using p, but I am MO'ed in response to too much stress and I don't want to do that

day 21
 
K

k-fff

Well-Known Member
Day 24
really horny today, kinda hate it actually. I got a blast of dopamine just talking to a girl. I can't tell if that's a good thing?
 
J

Jeks

Well-Known Member
i think its neither good or bad, its just sexual energy, that is coming up, because you are used to a certain amount of sexual outlet. Its just part of the process. Its often followed by a phase of low libido, but everyone is different in that regard.
Congratulations man, you are doing good.
 
K

k-fff

Well-Known Member
and relapse. edged for hours it just slowly escalated. it is never intentionally. tired. can't handle urges very well.
 
K

k-fff

Well-Known Member
I knew I had bad urges in the morning I opened several sites. Then I made sure to leave my apartment and practice piano for 3 hours. I was tired and hungry when I got back and I knew on my way back I was gonna look. I kept telling myself I should just MO to make sure I don't. It would have been the right decision. I don't want to MO to deal with urges, but I think I am gonna have to sometimes. Because the contrary is awful. This edging and downloading for hours on end. It is a bizarre and terrible habit. Now, I am back to square one. I know I will start feeling back to normal after week, but how many times am I gonna roll the dice with this before I get pied? I am tired. It sucked me in. I knew I had urges. I should have just avoided home the entire day that is what I did yesterday. tired of myself at the moment. I was hoping to get 60 days soon.
 
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