Rebooting trough self-parenting

[EarthWalker]

Day 4

I think I might have just levelled up with my understanding mindfulness.

Smooth sailing trough the P thoughts even with some sexual energy going on. I've simplified some tools some more.

Came across this agin, pure gold:

This one about expectations is what I need to hear. As I mentioned some posts back. I had some semi-legal dispute going on. It really comes down to my own expectations. A whole lot of shouds. How other people should act, behave. I projected my own expectations and in the process I stunted my own awareness of what is.

Their behavior should conform to my expectations.

But that 1st video in the playlist I think. This is spot on:

Thinking will never give you answers you don't already know. Thinking can't tell you anything new. Thinking comes form memory. From preconceptions - from PAST.

This is why it is so important to have new experiences, new people, new ideas in your life.

Thinking is limited to what you know.

With this mindfulness - you can go beyond thinking. To awareness.

Be well
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 5

There is nuance and depth to mindfulness. While the basic could be explained in 5 minutes. There is more to it.

Strong sexual energy but I am finding some nuance with the tools that looks to be working better.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 6

Mindfulness works. Now with more sexual energy going as the last PMO didn't left me drained but sexually wanting more. I have high libido but finding some nuance with mindfulness that hopefully will let me sail trough this.

Wishing everyone well
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 7

How quickly days progress. I feel like I levelled up with mindfulness. As I am saying for a while now, I always relapse when my sexual energy gets very high other-wize is more or less smooth sailing.

I have a theory on this now. When the sexual energy is high and mixed with the addiction, the hormones have about 30-45 minutes in some extreme cases up to 1 hour of making me feel very aroused / high on libido / etc.

But my capacity to hold space for myself, my mindfulness muscles can keep up with being "mindful - just observe" is/was a lot less than 30 minutes. So in that time the mindfulness muscle fatigues and the hormones take over. Now this has changed as I feel like I find it a lot easier to "just observe". Now my capacity to "just observe" has increased.

I am going to be challenged soon. Probably around days 20-30.

For some reason I choose to master this sexual energy as single guy. It is possible.

Wishing everyone well
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 8

Doing well.

Stay awesome
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 9

Looks like I indeed have levelled up. On some cat meme site (I know, I know, this is the next thing I will focus on - digital detox). Anyway. On this cat meme website sometimes some cosplay images come up. This time no exception. A very arousing image of a girl in very arousing attire (I'll skip the full description not to trigger). I didn't even pause scrolling! The tools work. In this case it is more than just a tool. But more like operating from a different level. Again it could be just described as "just observe". But there is nuance to this.

Mindfulness / Urge Surfing / Holding space. This indeed is a skill - something to get good at over time. The first success I had with this is when the urges weren't strong. Until recently I'd always "cave in" when the urges/lust got strong. But now it looks like this is changing as well.

Well then. Call me a happy camper with the mindfulness stuff.

Be well
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 10

Being able to go into observer mode is a skill. I am able to do this easier and easier.

In the morning I got very aroused but didn't let the P thoughts to pull me out of observer mode. Also I don't have to react or respond - I can just conserve my energy.

This is the new skill I am working on - being able to just conserve energy without either reacting or responding - I don't need or have to respond to P thoughts. Goes for more than just P thoughts.

We are so conditioned to react or respond. Not acting, not giving unsolicited advice, not giving a comment, not replying, not sending that email, not watching that video,... feels a bit alien. But this is a totally valid and very helpful skill to have.

Not acting on the bell. Let the bell ring. Not saying NO to pavlov, but going even further not saying anything at all.
Not giving unsolicited advice to someone. They will be fine. Who am I to know better of how other people should live their life?
Not giving a comment. Why do I need to express my opinion anyway?
Not replying to an email. Does it really need to be replied?
Not watching a video. Do I really need to see this cat meme video?

This is the new skill I am working on. I call it Conservation. It is not that I wouldn't care. It is not that I wouldn't like to see it. But in some cases Not acting, not reacting - is the best possible "action" for everyone involved.

Thanks
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Recently came across this YT channel. I like it. It resonates. As always take what resonates and scroll past what doesn't.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

The physical body has intelligence - it wants to have babies - very very strongly. This is quite all right and quite good. To me this explains why the sexual urges are at times so incredibly strong. The need of the physical body to reproduce is incredibly strong. Add on top of this lust and sexual misery programming and the need for people to make profit and it is a big mess.

But with mental clarity it is possible to more clearly see it and make better decisions.

I honor and respect my body's need to have children. This just means I can acknowledge and hold space for this - without acting on this.

Biological clock with women is more understood. I'd postulate men have biological clock as well - and it is ringing quite a lot - like 1x per week. Hello Man -> Go make a baby. 5 days later. Hello Man -> Go make a baby. 5 days later. Hello Man -> Go make a baby. Hey man, why aren't you making babies (having sex)???? What is wrong with you dude? Go! Go! Go! Reproduce! Reproduce! Reproduce!

We are just not aware of this at this level. Women want children - men want sex. Yeah...but deep down instinctually I'd say men want children as well or let me say this differently. Man's body wants to make babies (obviously not directly, but by inseminating) maybe even just as much as women's body. On the surface this looks a bit different as the biology is different.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Got a bit depressed. Not a big deal. Pretty normal. Worked the tools. Feeling better.

Some stuff needs to be felt and held space for - passive principle and for some stuff we need to build our psychology toolbox and work the tools - active principle.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 11

Doing well. Well, my life is a mess, but, SNAFU. It is what it is. Grateful for this opportunity to experience life on Earth.

Little better everyday.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 12

Doing better and better in terms of P.

This mindfulness stuff, builds over time. Mental clarity. I can more clearly see my thoughts now and not get over identified with them.

Feeling quite high in libido - a nice way of saying - I am feeling very horny - but I don't need to act/react/respond to this. I can let it be. Just hold space for this energy. Orthogonal to this - I can dismiss P thoughts, acknowledge them and then return to center.

there is the need for the body to procreate, there is the need to dance/play with a sexual partner, there is a need to feel heard/validated by a partner.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 13

Changing my relationship with my thoughts. In my experience now mindfulness is in essence about changing our relationship with our thoughts. How we perceive thoughts.

Some P thoughts came up. Not a big deal. Briefly fantasized about a girl I know in real life. But then got thinking... Do I even need to fantasize? Can I just not fantasize at all? Hm...

All the while while on pretty high libido. So definitely some progress there. As if my libido is not high then it is smooth sailing. But it looks like with levelling up...it will be possible to smooth sail even with high libido.

Wishing everyone a great week.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Take what resonates and discard what doesn't. Some of the message resonates with me and some not.

But love the term "tyranny of should's". I am OK where I am.

EW

 

[Phineas 808]

The "tyranny of shoulds", I like that... I've heard it said, "Don't should all over yourself!"

 

[EarthWalker]

March 1 & Day 14

New month. February was good. Somewhat expectedly I capsized my boat on and around Valentines day. Except for that doing well. Learned some more. Levelled up some more with mindfulness.

As I always relapse when I have very high libido and smooth sail when not on high libido.

Just this morning. It was a bit of a challenge but I manage to master my emotional state and not let the high libido overpower me when P thoughts come up.

Having an easier and easier time seeing how limiting the P thoughts are. And finding more resilience towards not letting the high libido take me back to P land.

This said. I don't want to deny the sexual energy. I might end up MOing. As the sexual energy is getting quite intense. This is P is not an option. But as I am changing my relationship with my thoughts. I also need to change my relationship with my sexual energy.

Ideally this energy would just flow naturally and nourish and rejuvenate my body. Ejaculation is a net energy loss without a partner.

I'll try to relax and intend for this energy go up the heart center.

This is the next expansion for me. First getting proficient with mental clarity. I am not fully there yet, but made some big progress in terms of dealing with the thoughts i.e. being able to be in observer mode. It is a skill that builds over time. Just observe. Observe the thoughts. I am not my thoughts.

Now for finding balance with the sexual energy and connecting with the heart. Becoming heart centered and inner sustained.

Wishing everyone a good month of March.

I truly believe we can all make it. We can all fully heal from this addiction. We can become a better and more wholesome human because of this.

Surfs up and lets stay in our hearts
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Looked up some art class. I kid you not. Some P ad popped out of nowhere. I am like WTF!? Seriously.

Sex toys ad on YT on a cooking channel!? Now full on P ad out of nowhere while looking up for some art classes in my area. Wtf is wrong with the internet!?

The good thing. Didn't even flinch. Just closed it like it was nothing. Proud of myself. Came a long way. Didn't even flinch. Didn't phase me not even 1%. I am like WTF is this, oh, No thank you P. Moving on - immediately.

Surfs up and stay in your hearts my friends!

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 15

Finding increased mental clarity - being able to be in observer mode. It is like a muscle that builds over time.

I am also thinking - I could be having a whole lot less thoughts and live just fine.

Surfs up, just observe and stay in your hearts my friends.
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 16

Doing well in terms of P. Having it easier and easier time being the observer of my thoughts and not my thoughts.

Been thinking - what use are sexual fantasies? Not really finding any true heart centered benefits from engaging with sexual fantasies.

Much love
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 17

Had a Nocturnal Emission. It is what it is. Moving forward.

Just a little tempted to MO in the morning. But not a big deal to deal with.

This mindfulness stuff ... it is like I'd have an anti auto-pilot. It is getting easier and easier to become aware of my thoughts and not get on auto-pilot. This mindfulness / holding space / urge surfing really is like a muscle or a skill. The more you do it the more efficient you are and the easier and easier it is.

Just observe and stay in your hearts my friends! (obviously a lot easier said than done)
EW

March report:
4th - NE