Rebooting trough self-parenting

[EarthWalker]

Day 18

Doing well in terms of P stuff. Well I am doing super well in terms of P stuff. Maybe this is what I wanted to prove to myself. It is possible to deal with this stuff even if not having a job or having any social support. I basically live in my own apartment and have practically 0 friends to hang out with or to have anyone to really have a meaningful heart to heart conversation with. Also no job, so no co-workers to interact with. Before quitting the job at least I get to go to lunch with coworkers and discusse regular life stuff. I have no one to call and talk too.

Funny in life. I noticed when you don't really need something - it happens with ease and grace.

I don't really need someone to talk to. I can deal with shit on my own. I've proven this to myself. But this said. I'd sure like to have someone to talk to. But not from a place of neediness. Maybe a bit of an oxymoron. Like not needing a friend but needing a friend. Hm, maybe the word co-dependency comes in. Like a need but without any codependency.

I did reach out to someone. Will see how this pans out - or not. Spring coming. Looking forward to find some group activities to take a part in.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 19

Smooth sailing now even if hit with high libido. Looks like I can now sail in stormy weather just fine.

Reached out to someone to have a chat. Felt super nice. Went a lot better than I imagined. Really missing having someone to just chat about daily stuff. Also not from a place of neediness. I don't need or want them to solve any of my problems. But just wanted to chill together. Was super cool.

I remember feeling so lonely one time - I called up this friend but my intention was that somehow this friend will solve my loneliness problem. It doesn't work this way.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 20

The challenges aren't getting easier but I am getting better at navigating them more smoothly with increased mental clarity.

Wishing everyone a great week!
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

I'll be making a free zoom class on mental clarity / observer consciousness. This is what is making huge difference for me. As you can see in my journal the posts have become a lot about ... mindfulness works...yay...smooth sailing with holding space..."just observe" it works...

I feel like sharing what I have learned. I don't have much expectations. Hopefully it will be just fun.

I made a post about it here:

EW's Mindfulness / Mental Clarity Class in April 2022

Hello everyone, I wish to make a class on mindfulness / mental clarity as this is something that is making one of the biggest positive impacts in my reboot by far - by far. Originally I just picked a date for the class and rolled with it. Now I feel like a better idea is to wait to get some...

forum.rebootnation.org

feel free to DM me if you are interested.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 21

In terms of P it is smooth sailing. In terms of sexual energy I am still figuring it out and learning.

In the morning I mindfully explored the sexual energy - how does it feel without P? All the P brainwashing aside. How do body sensations feel like? It feels different. One of those things that are hard to explain in words. I ended up Oing. It felt 20x times less intense than from a PMO and it felt a lot more relaxing and a lot more smooth, soft, flowing. I guess I'd use the term magnetic. As PMO feels like thunder and lightning. This felt a lot less intense. I'd compare it more to a river flow. Hm... interesting. Not feeling drained but relaxed and energetically normal.

Keep on sailing
EW

March report:
4th - NE
8th - Mindful exploration of sexual energy (away from P) ended up Oing (felt 20x times less intense than PMO to the body).

 

[EarthWalker]

0% chaser after mindful exploration of my own sexual feelings without P. In full disclosure P thoughts did show up - but I dismissed them.

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 22

Smooth sailing.

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 23

Smooth sailing. Wishing everyone a great day.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 24

Smooth sailing. Doing better and better in terms of P. Regaining mental clarity.

Over time I trained myself to identify P thoughts the moment they arise and deal with them quite effectively.

Have a great weekend everyone!
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Started to notice some of this in myself. But I attribute this a lot to emotional trauma in childhood. Then you build up false reality delusions in your mind as the outside world is a scary place at times.

This is what I started to shift. Dealing with some major abandonment issue in infancy. Made me imprint that the world is a scary and unkind place. We are the creators of our reality. If we project to the world that the world is unkind and scary place - it tends to be.

But the opposite is the true reality. How life truly is. Life is abundant. Life richly rewards you when you start to cooperate with life and see it as it truly is. De-programming myself from childhood issues and the imprints I got from my parents and upbringing.

Starting to see life as something benevolent. Life affirming and not a meat grinder. But it all comes down to me and what I signal to the universe. Do I send mixed messages to the universe?

Onwards and upwards
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 25

Getting a little more intense in terms of sexual energy. But smooth sailing in dealing with P thoughts and the associated emotions.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family, and the world on YouTube.

www.youtube.com

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 26

Smooth sailing.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 27

Mindful MO. Instead of mindless-ly PMOing. Explored sexual energy in a mindful way. There were P thoughts present. But focused on how does this feel in the body. How does this work for the emotions. Etc.

I reached a certain level of proficiency with thoughts (still way to go). What I have in mind is that I am able to recognize thoughts as thoughts and not get caught up in them. Working on becoming the master of my thoughts.

Now I started to focus on is on emotions. Can I also become a master of my emotions? Can I choose my emotions?

Thoughts are easy. I believe I can totally chose my thoughts. But with emotions my belief is that they sort of happen to me. So I am not in control. But I can see how this is not true.

Can I choose to just say no to sexual ecstasy and bliss? Can I manage my emotions?

EW

March report:
4th - NE
8th - Mindful exploration of sexual energy (away from P) ended up Oing (felt 20x times less intense than PMO to the body).
14th - Mindful MO (didn't felt draining, also practically no chaser - having 0% desire to watch P)

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 28

Smooth sailing. Watched a dance video - like a tutorial style video. Felt good to be able to do this without getting into a mental meltdown when there are some sexy females on the screen. Getting there.

Wishing everyone well and a good week
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 29

Learning to master emotions. Both our thoughts and emotions are conditioned. They are not the real me.

I find it easy to accept the fact that I can choose my thoughts. With emotions I viewed them as something that happens to me. But now I am starting to realize it is possible to also choose my emotions.

The P addiction sure is a great learning opportunity for self mastery.

Have a great day everyone.
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 30

Moving on.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Honey trap.

Day 30 challenge. As I get proficient with mental clarity - the P thoughts don't phase me. But just starting with getting proficient with emotional clarity. There is a bit of a confusion with the orgasmic feelings. Like not wanting it but wanting it. As I get better with emotional clarity in time I will be unphased by this as well.

Onwards and upwards.
EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 31

Next layers. P can be used for a few different reasons. Now what is coming up for me is the emotional orgasmic bliss feelings.

I don't need to use P as stress relief. I don't need to use it to escape reality. I don't need to use it to numb myself. I don't need it as a coping mechanism. I can face life. I can start co-operating with life instead of resisting life.

But now the only reason why I'd want to use it is because it brings pleasurable sensations. This minimize pain, maximimize pleasure is heavily engrained in the physical body.

When a P scene comes up. I don't like it - what I do like is the physical and the emotional feelings associated. That orgasmic bliss feeling. But is it really that great? Does it feel light or heavy? Does it feel freeing or smothering? Why do you want to engage with this? What is the pay off for engaging with this? Do I have the wisdom to know better? Do I have shame about this? Do I need to change something about myself? Do I need to accept something? Am I being totally honest with myself? Now I am exploring all this.

Self-enslavement system. I am a slave - but this is totally by my own choice. I can choose my emotions. This choosing of emotions and being the master of emotions is something new for me. Something to master.

EW

 

[EarthWalker]

Day 1

The good: Practically went 1 month on smooth sailing. Highlight would be when I just scrolled past an arousing image without stopping / totally unphased on a main stream website. Another highlight for me is when I watched a dance tutorial video without any lust. Just appreciating life without this lustful undertones.

The ugly: I still trip on this orgasmic feelings ... wanting more of it.

There was a very arousing image on a main stream site. It aroused me. I entertained it. Then went with some P subs. Instagram. Then later I watched some P. I ended up Oing just from watching some P. Honey trap.

The reason I engaged with it is because I wanted more of the feel good body sensations. The P fantasy don't interest me anymore. I don't see myself recreating the P scenes in my head or in real life.

Where the internal confusion is coming from is from this arousing frequency. I watched some fetish B porn and vanilla....and it is all the same. That feel good feeling in the body is what gets me. This is why I engaged with P.

Going back to that arousing image at the main stream website. What I could have done differently...

I did mentally recognize it. But on an emotional level. I wanted more of the body feelings of this. It is like why would I deny myself this feel good feelings?

This emotional mastery I find more challenging than mental mastery. I can choose not to get aroused? This is a new concept for me.

Can I just hold space for this accumulated lust in my body without engaging with it more?

The good: Don't feel drained after this O but feeling motivated.

March report:
4th - NE
8th - Mindful exploration of sexual energy (away from P) ended up Oing (felt 20x times less intense than PMO to the body).
14th - Mindful MO (didn't felt draining, also practically no chaser - having 0% desire to watch P)
19th - triggered by arousing image on main stream website, P subs -> P watching, Oed from P. Didn't felt draining, also 0% chaser).

EW