How Shall We Escape?

[joepanic]

Nice going on the 35 days 

    I can tell you from experience now  the urges may never go away but they certainly get weaker and less often and much easier to let go of.  Its the same with triggers.  They too become less over time and the reaction to them  also  changes  for the better.  Keep learning more about how to deal with them and what tools to use .

    Post often it helps me it helps you

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, gentlemen!

Onwards and upwards.

 

[Phineas 808]

Day 40!

This is 5/15 or 1/3 toward my overall goal of 120 days.

Today I hit my goal of 40 days, this is without P, PMO, MO, and all without P-Subs or edging.

This is turning a corner in my overall approach and efforts toward abstinence and habit change, being now 1/3 of the way to my main goal!

How do I feel? Oddly, I've had to face urges a little more lately, it seems. It's almost as if a part of me misses pornography, masturbation and generally 'acting out'. I say it this way, because there can be no mistake in my mind that there is nothing for me there, P/MO has nothing to give me but regret, lack of creativity, depression, isolation, fruitlessness, a lack of anointing, distance from my wife and another 40 years wandering in the wilderness, as it were.

Last night, I awoke and as I lay in bed, my mind wanted to conjure fantasy- and I did briefly picture a scene. There were urges to edge and masturbate, and I know along with that would have been porn use, if not last night, then eventually.

I didn't even need to ask myself what were the reasons. I think it was mostly internal cues, as it was the anniversary of my mother's passing (1992). This was the catalyst along with shame-based thinking, for the addiction or habit that has continued in varying degrees from 1993 unto this day.

I also knew what I had to do. I acknowledged the urges as I lay in bed, ceased creating images, and chose to be nonjudgmental. But this needed a little more than dismissing the urges as such. I turned to the Lord to meet those needs that were manifesting in this way. I turned to Him as my Source for the emotional thirst and hunger I was feeling in the moment.

I went back to sleep without further incident.

So while I think that the body is trying to revisit the habit lately (the cue from the other day? but mostly internal cues), I feel really good otherwise. I'm happy to reach 40 days! And it is a milestone, and a corner, and a new level of healing.

I embrace my change, my true identity as a man who does not use pornography.

 

[stepbystep]

Congrats on the 40 days Phineas! Thanks for sharing the way you managed your trigger in detail. I too find that relying on a higher power helps with dealing with urges. Keep up the great progress!

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, sbs!

I almost didn't share it, not because I wanted to be evasive, but how was I going to frame it that would be helpful to myself?

Often times, if there's an exposure to a cue or trigger, and/or a resultant battle, how we frame it to ourselves can mean either a note of victory and progress, or a potential shaming of ourselves, a judging of ourselves... Or, we give too much power to the event or stimuli that caused urges to arise...

The story we tell ourselves should always be one that encourages improvement. We should always be as honest as possible, but even in a lapse, there's always a lesson to be learned.

 

[Gabe Deem]

Congrats on 40 Phineas!  8)

there can be no mistake in my mind that there is nothing for me there, P/MO has nothing to give me but regret, lack of creativity, depression, isolation, fruitlessness, a lack of anointing, distance from my wife and another 40 years wandering in the wilderness, as it were.

Exactly. A view of porn being unhealthy, and not an option is essential. I can guarantee you I'll never dabble in black tar heroin because I view it as unhealthy and not an option. The same can be true for porn. Sure, one could argue that heroin isn't something we naturally desire so it is easier to have the "not an option" mindset about it when compared to sex. That's true... but porn isn't sex. Our limbic system thinks it is, and that we are spreading our seed far and wide impregnating the virtual harem, but we're just siting in a dark corner with our pants around our ankles with a screen. If we take a step back, we can develop the same "not an option" mindset with that framing... lol

Keep truckin' and helping others along the process. Many people are benefiting from the brilliant insight and wisdom you've been dropping in your journal and on other posts. Proud of you.

"helping others helps ourselves." Much love.

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you so much for your invaluable words, Gabe!

I'm indebted for you coming by, and giving your support and encouragement.

...but porn isn't sex. Our limbic system thinks it is, and that we are spreading our seed far and wide impregnating the virtual harem, but we're just siting in a dark corner with our pants around our ankles with a screen. If we take a step back, we can develop the same "not an option" mindset with that framing... lol

Perfect example, lol...! Imagine, such an exotic fantasy going on, and then when someone lifts the curtain, it's just some dude choking his chicken to pixelated images on a screen!  Not so glamorous now, is it?

Also, the black tar heroine analogy is priceless as well. What would we never do even given the opportunity?

Indeed, porn = black tar heroine, crack cocaine (and even compared to cocain addiction), or even eating bat-soup...! 

 

[Chris Oz]

Congrats on 40 man!

 

[Phineas 808]

Congrats on 40 man!

Thank you, Chris! Have a Merry Christmas, you and yours.

Upwards and onwards!

 

[Phineas 808]

Something about the 40+ days mark for me in current and past reboots, a crucible indeed.

Have been dealing with ambivalence toward acting out for about a week now, since December 13, 2020. Interacting with folk on FB, nothing wrong, but several were very lovely, then I saw the cue from a 'friend suggestion' which was tailor made for me, as it were. Then, on the anniversary of my mother's passing (15th), that night having to shut down a desire to fantasize and edge.

Since then, all has been well, mostly. But digging deep, do I have what it takes to actually say 'Goodbye' to this crap? What is it in me that still finds something of value in pornography and autoeroticism in general? This question comes to the fore as in the background are memories of a certain video, and a siren call to act out in that way.

Last night then, there was a moment, a string of behaviors that strongly hinted toward old habit patterns that could eventually lead to porn use, masturbation, and all the above. You know when you can see a lapse coming, and can almost watch it happen in slow motion, as it were?

I had seen an earlier cue, a suggested IG post, nothing I sought out, which was tantalizing. To kind of take the mystery out of it, and hence take power away from it, I clicked on to the person's account, saw what it was (nothing too racey), and got out. Last night, there were actions on IG that were too close to former behaviors, and there was also a desire to edge. This all occurred a little before making love to my wife, and a little afterward.

Overall, it was a brief interlude which I did shut down by prayer, and wasn't a long-drawn-out fight. So, I will not count this against my current efforts. Sometimes dismissing urges is about dismissing earlier responses to urges, stepping outside of the [former] cycle or potential lapse by dismissing nonjudgmentally any slip or unwanted response.

My response will be a digging deeper to sharpen my focus, and another post to follow this one, so it's not rediculously long... 

 

[Phineas 808]

What is posted here are a bunch of scriptures which I pen down now in an effort to sharpen my focus. This is in response to what appears in myself as an ambivalence toward porn-use, edging and/or p-subs. I am still on mark, but see the inner conflict.

**Please note** Below are several scriptures and statements that are directed only at myself in my journal, and are not to be taken as anything other than that. This is for digging deeper in order to live up to the name Phineas, executing self-judgement. This in order to regain focus and remain sharp in my approach to ending this ugly and deceptive addiction.

Self-judgement:

And, behold, one of the children of Israel came and brought unto his brethren a Midianitish woman in the sight of Moses, and in the sight of all the congregation of the children of Israel, who were weeping before the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.

And when Phinehas, the son of Eleazar, the son of Aaron the priest, saw it, he rose up from among the congregation, and took a javelin in his hand; And he went after the man of Israel into the tent, and thrust both of them through, the man of Israel, and the woman through her belly. So the plague was stayed from the children of Israel...

Wherefore say, Behold, I give unto him my covenant of peace: And he shall have it, and his seed after him, even the covenant of an everlasting priesthood; because he was zealous for his God, and made an atonement for the children of Israel. Now the name of the Israelite that was slain, even that was slain with the Midianitish woman, was Zimri, the son of Salu, a prince of a chief house among the Simeonites. And the name of the Midianitish woman that was slain was Cozbi, the daughter of Zur - Num 25:6-8, 12-15a.

Then stood up Phinehas, and executed judgment: and so the plague was stayed. - Ps 106:30.

For if we would judge ourselves, we should not be judged. - 1Cor 11:31.

Cursed be he that doeth the work of the LORD deceitfully, and cursed be he that keepeth back his sword from blood. - Jer 48:10.

Ambivalent?

1. God's will is that you abstain from fornication (1Thess 4:3-7).

2. And only he that does the will of God abides forever (1Jn 2:15-17).

3. Satan (fallen angels and evil spirits) want you to sin in this area; they plot for you, strategize against you, tempt you, so that you engage in sexual sin (Mt 4:3; 1Pet 5:8-9).

4. Fleshly lusts themselves war against your soul: mind, will and emotion (1Pet 2:11).

5. The ambivalence isn't only between the lower brain (limbic system) and our higher brain (prefrontal cortex), but also arising between the spirit (inner man) and your flesh (body/soul). (Ga 5:16-25).

6. That thing is not my lord, it is not my brother, it is not my friend. It seeks to rob me of my calling, gifting, anointing, and fruitfulness. It seeks to kill, steal and destroy my marriage, my family, myself. It is defeated by the cross (Col 2:15).

7. Joseph fled from Potiphar's wife, even as she grabbed his clothes [his righteousness!], begging him to f*** her (Gen 39:7-12).


Still ambivalent?

And Samuel hewed Agag in pieces before the LORD in Gilgal. - 1Sa 15:33b.

Thou shalt not commit adultery. - Ex 20:14.

But I say unto you, That whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath committed adultery with her already in his heart. - Mt 5:28.

I made a covenant with mine eyes; why then should I think upon a maid? - Job 31:1.

I will behave myself wisely in a perfect way. O when wilt thou come unto me? I will walk within my house with a perfect heart. I will set no wicked thing before mine eyes: I hate the work of them that turn aside; it shall not cleave to me - Ps 101:2-3.

And unto man he said, Behold, the fear of the Lord, that is wisdom; and to depart from evil is understanding. - Job 28:28.

And if thy right eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. And if thy right hand offend thee, cut it off, and cast it from thee: for it is profitable for thee that one of thy members should perish, and not that thy whole body should be cast into hell. - Mt 5:29-30.

Lust not after her beauty in thine heart; neither let her take thee with her eyelids. For by means of a whorish woman a man is brought to a piece of bread: and the adulteress will hunt for the precious life. - Prov 6:25-26.

...this is thy wickedness, because it is bitter, because it reacheth unto thine heart. - Jer 4:18b.

Moab hath been at ease from his youth, and he hath settled on his lees, and hath not been emptied from vessel to vessel, neither hath he gone into captivity: therefore his taste remained in him, and his scent is not changed. - Jer 48:11.

And being in Bethany in the house of Simon the leper, as he sat at meat, there came a woman having an alabaster box of ointment of spikenard very precious; and she brake the box, and poured it on his head. - Mk 14:3.

Then took Mary a pound of ointment of spikenard, very costly, and anointed the feet of Jesus, and wiped his feet with her hair: and the house was filled with the odour of the ointment. - Jn 12:3.

A good name is better than precious ointment; and the day of death than the day of one's birth. - Ecc 7:1.

Dead flies cause the ointment of the apothecary to send forth a stinking savour: so doth a little folly him that is in reputation for wisdom and honour. - Ecc 10:1.

And the house of Jacob shall be a fire, and the house of Joseph a flame, and the house of Esau for stubble, and they shall kindle in them, and devour them; and there shall not be any remaining of the house of Esau; for the LORD hath spoken it. - Obad v.18.

For, behold, the day cometh, that shall burn as an oven; and all the proud, yea, and all that do wickedly, shall be stubble: and the day that cometh shall burn them up, saith the LORD of hosts, that it shall leave them neither root nor branch. But unto you that fear my name shall the Sun of righteousness arise with healing in his wings; and ye shall go forth, and grow up as calves of the stall. - Mal 4:1-2.

More may be added above, as comes to mind.

 

[Leonidas]

Hello Phineas, nice to see you are delving deeper in an effort to find truth that will resonate more with you.  Nothing wrong with psycho-babble, as you said!  If laying down a system of ideas helps where simply writing your thoughts does not, then I believe they are complimentary.

Although I don't consider myself a religious person, I do happen to occasionally listen to pastor Joel Osteen... I don't know why, but his message does hit a chord with me, and I can totally imagine anyone regardless of faith appreciating his style.

 

[Phineas 808]

Thanks for coming by my journal, Leonidas!

I do have a multi-pronged approach to this, after all these years. I say [since edited above], 'psycho-babble' tongue in cheek, as it definitely helps me, too, and I promote it often in helping others. Just for me, it wasn't enough for what was going on internally, it called for me to take out the 'big guns' as it were.

Yeah, Joel Osteen's style definitely resonates with a large audience, and I appreciate his faith-filled positive and affirming approach. I enjoyed his father Joe Osteen's sermons, too, back in the day.

Enjoy your holidays.

 

[Phineas 808]

Having urges today, very strong.

Must practice what I preach, lol...!

Some reactions, no judgement.

Will sharpen focus, and do my best to put all this out of my mind today..., as this is all mindset right now.

Tomorrow is another goal met, no P/MO, I plan to celebrate it- God wills it.

In His mercy.

 

[stepbystep]

Hang in there! It will pass soon. You?ve made it more than 40 days. And, this day is no different than the previous.

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, sbs, for your support!

 

[Phineas 808]

Day 48!

This is 6/15 toward my overall goal of 120 days.

Today I hit my goal of 48 days, this is without P, PMO, MO, though with an episode of P-Subs, and an episode of minimal edging.

This is also 1 month and 18 days into my abstinence. Tomorrow (Christmas Day!) I'll be 7 weeks in.

So how do I feel? I feel really good today, and am happy with my progress thus far in changing reestablished habits that were reinstated (or resensitized) in lieu of the pandemic, losing a friendship, and unhealthy, unwise social media usage.

Yesterday was very precarious for me, as there was an obsessive response to social media, and p-subs. Though, I shut this down (1-2x), I had further urges from this. And there was an overall sense that I would eventually act out, maybe even that night, to PMO! I went through all my different ways to think about it, dug deep (as possible) for my why's, and read some links on my page 1.

It was strange, because after all of that, it almost seemed that I was left with nothing but sheer will-power, which I know by itself is insufficient and untrustworthy to depend on...

Two things helped me change my mindset:

1. Reading the supportive post from sbs (and thank you!), and knowing that he tracks what I do... Included in this part is the support of Gabe Deem, which was very generous on his part to comment when he did.

2. And this is the most important point, that eventually I simply reminded myself that Christ took care of the sin-issue, and He crucified my flesh. And that all I could do now was to simply rest in that. And so I did.

I know others will have their own techniques, and/or may object to mine- no matter, this is what helped me and is thus recorded in my journal.

I had no further episodes, my mindset was changed, and to this point I have no obsessions concerning these things. I go foward now as I have for the past 48 days, free from P/MO.

Further analysis: I think the question on ambivalence experienced earlier this month (Dec 13th and on) created a strange place for me, as if it were all up to me to no longer act out to P/MO. And I know that this is largely true, entirely true, but it created that 3rd-rail of self-dependence, or will-worship, where we pull ourselves up by our own bootstraps, as it were.

The ambivalence, which is between lower-brain (limbic) and higher-brain (prefrontal cortex), and also between spirit and flesh, is natural especially until the habit itself is changed.

It will not be by sheer will-power for me to address this ambivalence. Nor the moral implications of whether or not I will again hate this sin, as I used to, will not be something for me to answer right now. The thing for me to simply do is abide in His finished work for me, and settle into that new creation that I am, the one that is righteous, holy and sanctified.

I could not save myself, sanctify myself, nor make myself holy- anyway. The same will be true during this reboot/recovery, which is also for me a repentance.

So, I carry on as I have for this past month and 18 days, dismissing urges, and keeping a careful focus on how I interact on social media (Instagram, Facebook, and to a lesser extent, Youtube), not setting myself up for failure, ...and make not provision for the flesh, to fulfil the lusts thereof. - Rom 13:14b. And also, to have Christ meet my deeper spiritual and emotional needs.

 

[Chris Oz]

Hey Phineas, I just want to let you know that we are with you on your journey. I love the way you go through your thoughts and observe what wotks for you. You've definitely done well.

Today my verse image from my Bible plan says

This is my command?be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.?
Joshua 1:9 NLT

https://bible.com/bible/116/jos.1.9.NLT

I hope this blesses you today. Stay Courageous, for He is with you wherever you go.

Keep pushing back!
Chris

 

[Phineas 808]

Thank you, Chris!

That definitely helps, and especially that Joshua is one of the books I'm reading through right now, lol...!

It is precisely because He is with us that we can stand courageous, and be strong. And this is really a thing of grace, because it's definitely not because we are truly deserving, or haven't been weak in ourselves, that He is with us- but simply because He loves us, and believes in who we truly are.

I truly appreciate you and others being with me, as supporting each other is definitely helpful- and just may be that edge we need.

Blessings!

 

[J01]

Yes, Immanuel, God is with us, is a huge factor for me as well.  Keep strong and keep moving forward!