Hey Kid,
I know I haven't been posting to my journal in the past few days. I'm doing well. Issues with performance and anxiety seemed to have dissipated since my wife and I had our honest conversations. However, what has struck me about your thread is your self-loathing. You've even offered the question that you're the worst human ever. I have no idea if this is going to help, but you're definitely not the worst human ever. In your very first post you described two events that you hold a lot of shame for, both involving MO in the presence of others without their knowledge. I want to tell you that this doesn't make you a fundamentally bad person.
For the record, I have in the past:
1. Was "the other man" for two separate married women.
2. Have had sex with MANY women where both of us were probably too drunk to consent.
3. Masturbated in inappropriate locations, with people around.
4. Have "said what I have needed to say" in order to get a woman in bed, knowing I did not have any intentions of following through.
These are all objectively bad things I have done in the past. However, I am able to have compassion with myself because I know I am not the only man in the world who has done selfish things, and if you ever meet a man who claims to be a saint, he is lying. Not because I am cynical, but because I am realistic. I have learned from these mistakes and work to hold these actions close to might heart as I grow and evolve. I have apologized when allowed. I have given space for anger toward me when appropriate. I have made myself accountable to the best of my ability. I hold regret for these actions, yet I do not hold shame. Regret says you made a bad decision. Shame says you are a bad person. You cannot hold yourself up to any standard of perfection, because you are human, and you are fallible. You will make mistakes. Let me be clear: EVERYONE has made poor choices in their life. Literally, everyone. You are one and the same. You are not broken, or undeserving of compassion or love.
I see the cycle you're in though. It is one of shame and self-hatred. However, I don't see it specifically because of PMO. Sure, it's the catalyst of the cycle, but you could replace it with something else and feel the same way. Your shame comes from repeatedly doing something you keep telling yourself you won't do. They you fail, and you have shame, and then you hate yourself all over again.
The PMO is not the issue. Your inability to forgive yourself for mistakes is. And no amount of abstinence from PMO is going to fix that. My advice? You need to embrace therapy. Get in there and learn to forgive yourself for the mistakes you have and will continue to make. Be honest with the therapist. If it doesn't click after 6 weeks, go find another one. Therapy works as hard as you do. Your worries, fears, actions, soothing techniques, relapses, etc. are not unique to you. You are not the first man ever to struggle with this.
You have inherent value because you exist. The fact that you're here, being vulnerable with yourself and strangers on the internet, shows that you know you deserve it somehow. Otherwise you wouldn't be here.
It's ok that you did what you did. You don't need to learn to be ok with your past actions. You don't need to try to rationalize them into being "not that bad". They were bad, and selfish, and dumb. That's ok. Now, pick yourself up, dust yourself off, give yourself a goddamn hug, and tell yourself that those poor choices will not haunt you for the rest of your life. If anything, look at the empathy and compassion and patience you give everyone in this forum. You're obviously easily able to automatically see the goodness in all of us. What's stopping you from looking into that mirror, and giving that man the same love?