I need to up my game.

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

I still can't see where it's going to end. Is this going to be like summer 2021? A longer streak that ends and is not going to be repeated for the next few months? Is this going to be another year like 2021? Is this going to be a year where I have some moderate success in the first half and then crash hard in the second half and see my life slowly but surely going the fuck away year by year? I know this is not a good mentality to have. I know it's not good to think about the future in that way, I know all this. It's not what you know, it's what you do.

I was not prepared for the worse. I prepared myself for the urges. I thought that was everything I had to take care of. I avoided engaging with the porn thoughts and everything was going really great. I started feeling what people call "Superpowers". I started to feel great. My brain worked at 120%, I was super motivated to study at work. I've progressed at work in January more than the whole year of 2021. But, like I said, I didn't see it coming. I started to feel really shit mentally, all the superpowers were gone, my brain did not function the same, my motivation was not the same. I failed to do something about it.

I ended up having an O because you don't start edging without being left frustrated. The "reward" is the O. All the edging, all the rituals are a search for the fuckin big O, that is not even satisfying. If I tried to find any positives in all this, it would be that I still haven't watched a porn video. I edged to fantasies and some pictures. And then I Oed. After that, I read something that I found interesting: You aren’t trying to beat an addiction. You’re trying to kill the habitual ritual associated with your bad habit. This hit me like a baseball bat. It is a fuckin ritual for me. In the way it starts and evolves when I do it. It starts with edging to fantasies then edging to pictures and Youtube and finally edging to watching porn. Almost every fuckin single time. There are exceptions too but usually this is how it goes, especially when I am trying so hard to avoid it, it usually progresses just like that because my brain tricks me (and I'm an idiot to listen) that a little edging to fantasies ain't porn yet, a little edging to some pictures is not my porn yet and then... Rock bottom you idiot! I got you! I tricked you, you listened and you gave me my chocolate. The addicted beast gets its treat and I get the... dick.

But I guess everything really started with that MO session. I knew it was going to fuck me up, I fuckin knew it. Why? Because I have OCD and I'm a fuckin obsessed perfectionist. The streak must be "perfect", if not, it fucks with my head. It started to fuck with me right after I did it. I came here and wrote that I don't want to let it fuck with me but it was fuckin with me, that's the truth. I started to obsess about what impact that had on me. Is that going to make me lethargic? Is that going to give me more social anxiety? Yadda Yadda. Ah, and I almost forgot, then the 1 minute edging session to a porn fantasy. That fucked with my mind further.

I am not sure how to address all this. Honestly, right now, I can't even think straight. I don't have a solution, I don't have a plan. I worry about how I'm going to perform tomorrow at work with a new guy that I've met for one minute only, and a girl. And I don't have energy and mood to wear masks. I'm tired of this fuckin game of pretending. Pretending to be alright. I don't know what else to say for now. I am extremely exasperated that all this happened right after my 40 days report.

 

[k-fff]

I still can't see where it's going to end. Is this going to be like summer 2021? A longer streak that ends and is not going to be repeated for the next few months? Is this going to be another year like 2021? Is this going to be a year where I have some moderate success in the first half and then crash hard in the second half and see my life slowly but surely going the fuck away year by year? I know this is not a good mentality to have. I know it's not good to think about the future in that way, I know all this. It's not what you know, it's what you do.

I was not prepared for the worse. I prepared myself for the urges. I thought that was everything I had to take care of. I avoided engaging with the porn thoughts and everything was going really great. I started feeling what people call "Superpowers". I started to feel great. My brain worked at 120%, I was super motivated to study at work. I've progressed at work in January more than the whole year of 2021. But, like I said, I didn't see it coming. I started to feel really shit mentally, all the superpowers were gone, my brain did not function the same, my motivation was not the same. I failed to do something about it.

I ended up having an O because you don't start edging without being left frustrated. The "reward" is the O. All the edging, all the rituals are a search for the fuckin big O, that is not even satisfying. If I tried to find any positives in all this, it would be that I still haven't watched a porn video. I edged to fantasies and some pictures. And then I Oed. After that, I read something that I found interesting: You aren’t trying to beat an addiction. You’re trying to kill the habitual ritual associated with your bad habit. This hit me like a baseball bat. It is a fuckin ritual for me. In the way it starts and evolves when I do it. It starts with edging to fantasies then edging to pictures and Youtube and finally edging to watching porn. Almost every fuckin single time. There are exceptions too but usually this is how it goes, especially when I am trying so hard to avoid it, it usually progresses just like that because my brain tricks me (and I'm an idiot to listen) that a little edging to fantasies ain't porn yet, a little edging to some pictures is not my porn yet and then... Rock bottom you idiot! I got you! I tricked you, you listened and you gave me my chocolate. The addicted beast gets its treat and I get the... dick.

But I guess everything really started with that MO session. I knew it was going to fuck me up, I fuckin knew it. Why? Because I have OCD and I'm a fuckin obsessed perfectionist. The streak must be "perfect", if not, it fucks with my head. It started to fuck with me right after I did it. I came here and wrote that I don't want to let it fuck with me but it was fuckin with me, that's the truth. I started to obsess about what impact that had on me. Is that going to make me lethargic? Is that going to give me more social anxiety? Yadda Yadda. Ah, and I almost forgot, then the 1 minute edging session to a porn fantasy. That fucked with my mind further.

I am not sure how to address all this. Honestly, right now, I can't even think straight. I don't have a solution, I don't have a plan. I worry about how I'm going to perform tomorrow at work with a new guy that I've met for one minute only, and a girl. And I don't have energy and mood to wear masks. I'm tired of this fuckin game of pretending. Pretending to be alright. I don't know what else to say for now. I am extremely exasperated that all this happened right after my 40 days report.

Just take it a day at a time, and don’t beat yourself up into further sessions. In regards to other people, you can’t control them and how they think of you so it’s best to accept that because it seems like you’re worried about their expectations of you and this will always cause distress.

 

[AJM]

I still can't see where it's going to end. Is this going to be like summer 2021? A longer streak that ends and is not going to be repeated for the next few months? Is this going to be another year like 2021? Is this going to be a year where I have some moderate success in the first half and then crash hard in the second half and see my life slowly but surely going the fuck away year by year? I know this is not a good mentality to have. I know it's not good to think about the future in that way, I know all this. It's not what you know, it's what you do.

I was not prepared for the worse. I prepared myself for the urges. I thought that was everything I had to take care of. I avoided engaging with the porn thoughts and everything was going really great. I started feeling what people call "Superpowers". I started to feel great. My brain worked at 120%, I was super motivated to study at work. I've progressed at work in January more than the whole year of 2021. But, like I said, I didn't see it coming. I started to feel really shit mentally, all the superpowers were gone, my brain did not function the same, my motivation was not the same. I failed to do something about it.

I ended up having an O because you don't start edging without being left frustrated. The "reward" is the O. All the edging, all the rituals are a search for the fuckin big O, that is not even satisfying. If I tried to find any positives in all this, it would be that I still haven't watched a porn video. I edged to fantasies and some pictures. And then I Oed. After that, I read something that I found interesting: You aren’t trying to beat an addiction. You’re trying to kill the habitual ritual associated with your bad habit. This hit me like a baseball bat. It is a fuckin ritual for me. In the way it starts and evolves when I do it. It starts with edging to fantasies then edging to pictures and Youtube and finally edging to watching porn. Almost every fuckin single time. There are exceptions too but usually this is how it goes, especially when I am trying so hard to avoid it, it usually progresses just like that because my brain tricks me (and I'm an idiot to listen) that a little edging to fantasies ain't porn yet, a little edging to some pictures is not my porn yet and then... Rock bottom you idiot! I got you! I tricked you, you listened and you gave me my chocolate. The addicted beast gets its treat and I get the... dick.

But I guess everything really started with that MO session. I knew it was going to fuck me up, I fuckin knew it. Why? Because I have OCD and I'm a fuckin obsessed perfectionist. The streak must be "perfect", if not, it fucks with my head. It started to fuck with me right after I did it. I came here and wrote that I don't want to let it fuck with me but it was fuckin with me, that's the truth. I started to obsess about what impact that had on me. Is that going to make me lethargic? Is that going to give me more social anxiety? Yadda Yadda. Ah, and I almost forgot, then the 1 minute edging session to a porn fantasy. That fucked with my mind further.

I am not sure how to address all this. Honestly, right now, I can't even think straight. I don't have a solution, I don't have a plan. I worry about how I'm going to perform tomorrow at work with a new guy that I've met for one minute only, and a girl. And I don't have energy and mood to wear masks. I'm tired of this fuckin game of pretending. Pretending to be alright. I don't know what else to say for now. I am extremely exasperated that all this happened right after my 40 days report.

This too shall pass ,
And needless to say you are stronger than you think you are.
God bless.

 

[GeminiMan]

It's been 40 days since the beginning of this streak. After reading journal entries around the forum, I started to like the idea of multiple counters, it could help me see a bigger picture. I don't plan to count everything every day, I want to come with a report every 10 days, if I don't fully relapse on the way there, case in which I will report sooner. This is the report after 40 days:

Days without PMO: 40
Days without edging while watching porn: 40
Days without watching porn: 40
Days without FMO: 40
Days without edging to porn flashbacks/fantasies: 4
Days without MO: 6
Days without alcohol: 4

I think it is easily noticeable what I'm trying to do here. I have 5 counters that include porn, be it watching it or imagining it. What is FMO? This is for Flashbacks/Fantasies-Masturbation-Orgasm. I'm trying to keep everything separated so I could see where I'm more prone. I included an alcohol counter and a regular masturbation counter (MO) because they have the potential to make me indulge in porn. I guess now it could be seen more easily where I am more susceptible to making mistakes. I need to oversee the last three counters, they are the most risky as of late. All three have the talent to make me reset all the counters from top to bottom. They influence each other for sure. But I believe that keeping only 1 counter is too wide, my porn world is larger than PMO and watching porn. I need to keep an eye on all the things that could ultimate lead to a relapse.

I think this is it for now. I am going to post a full report again in 10 days, if fortunately I don't relapse. In between, I might post things if I have what to talk about. Peace.

Excellent @Escapeandnevercomeback
I too started splitting my counters .
it gives a clearer picture of where I am headed

 

[GeminiMan]

I still can't see where it's going to end. Is this going to be like summer 2021? A longer streak that ends and is not going to be repeated for the next few months? Is this going to be another year like 2021? Is this going to be a year where I have some moderate success in the first half and then crash hard in the second half and see my life slowly but surely going the fuck away year by year? I know this is not a good mentality to have. I know it's not good to think about the future in that way, I know all this. It's not what you know, it's what you do.

I was not prepared for the worse. I prepared myself for the urges. I thought that was everything I had to take care of. I avoided engaging with the porn thoughts and everything was going really great. I started feeling what people call "Superpowers". I started to feel great. My brain worked at 120%, I was super motivated to study at work. I've progressed at work in January more than the whole year of 2021. But, like I said, I didn't see it coming. I started to feel really shit mentally, all the superpowers were gone, my brain did not function the same, my motivation was not the same. I failed to do something about it.

I ended up having an O because you don't start edging without being left frustrated. The "reward" is the O. All the edging, all the rituals are a search for the fuckin big O, that is not even satisfying. If I tried to find any positives in all this, it would be that I still haven't watched a porn video. I edged to fantasies and some pictures. And then I Oed. After that, I read something that I found interesting: You aren’t trying to beat an addiction. You’re trying to kill the habitual ritual associated with your bad habit. This hit me like a baseball bat. It is a fuckin ritual for me. In the way it starts and evolves when I do it. It starts with edging to fantasies then edging to pictures and Youtube and finally edging to watching porn. Almost every fuckin single time. There are exceptions too but usually this is how it goes, especially when I am trying so hard to avoid it, it usually progresses just like that because my brain tricks me (and I'm an idiot to listen) that a little edging to fantasies ain't porn yet, a little edging to some pictures is not my porn yet and then... Rock bottom you idiot! I got you! I tricked you, you listened and you gave me my chocolate. The addicted beast gets its treat and I get the... dick.

But I guess everything really started with that MO session. I knew it was going to fuck me up, I fuckin knew it. Why? Because I have OCD and I'm a fuckin obsessed perfectionist. The streak must be "perfect", if not, it fucks with my head. It started to fuck with me right after I did it. I came here and wrote that I don't want to let it fuck with me but it was fuckin with me, that's the truth. I started to obsess about what impact that had on me. Is that going to make me lethargic? Is that going to give me more social anxiety? Yadda Yadda. Ah, and I almost forgot, then the 1 minute edging session to a porn fantasy. That fucked with my mind further.

I am not sure how to address all this. Honestly, right now, I can't even think straight. I don't have a solution, I don't have a plan. I worry about how I'm going to perform tomorrow at work with a new guy that I've met for one minute only, and a girl. And I don't have energy and mood to wear masks. I'm tired of this fuckin game of pretending. Pretending to be alright. I don't know what else to say for now. I am extremely exasperated that all this happened right after my 40 days report.

Patience bro . I guess we need to have more patience and perseverance than our enemy has . That’s the only way . It seems our enemy has infinite patience and infinite perseverance. So we need to be “infinite + 1” … to succeed

 

[Phineas 808]

It's been 40 days since the beginning of this streak. After reading journal entries around the forum, I started to like the idea of multiple counters, it could help me see a bigger picture. I don't plan to count everything every day, I want to come with a report every 10 days, if I don't fully relapse on the way there, case in which I will report sooner.

Hi, Escape! Yeah, that's my approach. I see where I'm at like after a week, or more, and see where I'm at. I'll do a little 'report' just to show myself the progress I'm making. And also, like you said, it can show me the problem areas. It can also encourgage yourself, too, like, if you MO'd, but didn't see P, or- even if you saw P, but didn't PMO, you can note the lapse, but also be encouraged that it didn't go as far as it could've. Of course we want a perfect streak, but if things got a little dicey, we can prevent ourselves from being discouraged and maybe going further into our unwanted habits.

 

[Phineas 808]

I'm sorry for the recent struggling... Whatever 'red-line' behavior you haven't crossed, celebrate that. If you've crossed them all (?), don't despair, never give up.

40 days (or more) is awesome, brother!

Trust me (based on my own experiences), this will not be a repeat of summer 2021! Your years will not get worse, but better and better. But we can only do what's in front of us now. Thank you for sharing that you have OCD, that may be a factor in the 'black-and-white' or perfectionist thinking that's going on here. I've sometimes wondered if I have that myself, especially if- or when- I've entered into my 'PMO rituals'. I certainly know what it is to obsess...

If too many counters make things worse, maybe discontinue that? Or, if you can separate between a 'lesser lapse' (say, MO w/fantasy) from straight PMO, then they might be useful having multiple counters... I'm a perfectionist, too, but I try to keep things simple, and not get bogged down in the details. If you've noticed, I don't have counters for p-subs or edging, I just know to what they will lead if unchecked. I separate 'orange-line' behaviors from 'red-line' ones, and even with red-line, P, PMO, MO, there's worse and worser between them...

It's not going to always look perfect, but always, always go for the win- no matter what that looks like!

 

[Getting Back2It]

After that, I read something that I found interesting: You aren’t trying to beat an addiction. You’re trying to kill the habitual ritual associated with your bad habit. This hit me like a baseball bat. It is a fuckin ritual for me. In the way it starts and evolves when I do it. It starts with edging to fantasies then edging to pictures and Youtube and finally edging to watching porn. Almost every fuckin single time. There are exceptions too but usually this is how it goes, especially when I am trying so hard to avoid it, it usually progresses just like that because my brain tricks me (and I'm an idiot to listen) that a little edging to fantasies ain't porn yet, a little edging to some pictures is not my porn yet and then... Rock bottom you idiot! I got you! I tricked you, you listened and you gave me my chocolate. The addicted beast gets its treat and I get the... dick

Brother, this hits home for me too. My brain is the same fucking way and thus far I've been able to see where it's going and stop it, but fuck me if this gets harder later in the withdrawal. But we can beat this!

Stay strong, brother, think past all the negativity and instead focus on the end goal. We can do this!

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Day 4

I don't really have much mood to write anything It's exasperating to keep messing up.

 

[logicprox]

I think everyone on this forum has been there. But one day it will click for all of us and we will end the cycle. I think the most important thing is not to beat yourself up, there's nothing to do but move forward.

 

[Phineas 808]

Day 4

I don't really have much mood to write anything It's exasperating to keep messing up.

Brother, I challenge you to purposely be kind to yourself right now! You did a freakin 40 day streak, and that's worth celebrating. Don't think of 'last summer', don't think of 'this year' or 'next year', think of right now.

This is so important, because it means that you can bounce right back after this, and keep going. It doesn't have to mean what you're making it mean.

You lapsed, big deal! Get up, and go again. Relax, you're recovering/rebooting. The 40 days all went toward your healing, and no few days is going to undo all of that...! In about 1 -2 weeks, your neurochemicals will come back down to normal, and you'll just go on toward a lengthier streak.

You actually have this. Avoid the habit, and yes it's a habit, on how you're reacting to this mentally.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Brother, I challenge you to purposely be kind to yourself right now! You did a freakin 40 day streak, and that's worth celebrating. Don't think of 'last summer', don't think of 'this year' or 'next year', think of right now.

This is so important, because it means that you can bounce right back after this, and keep going. It doesn't have to mean what you're making it mean.

You lapsed, big deal! Get up, and go again. Relax, you're recovering/rebooting. The 40 days all went toward your healing, and no few days is going to undo all of that...! In about 1 -2 weeks, your neurochemicals will come back down to normal, and you'll just go on toward a lengthier streak.

You actually have this. Avoid the habit, and yes it's a habit, on how you're reacting to this mentally.

Alright, bro, I'll try. Thanks.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Day 5

I've been sick for 5 days, a cold, a flu or something, and I didn't even have time to worry about porn. I tested myself for Covid and it was negative. I had a big pain in the throat and for 4 nights I averaged maybe 2 hours of sleep with interruptions. To say that I was miserable would be an understatement. I barely dragged myself through those days. But as I'm writing this I feel better.

I've made it to 5 days hard mode. The last relapse involved fantasies and pictures, and only a few minutes from an actual porn scene. It's better than what I would normally do after 40 days of starvation. No binging.

But not ideal.

I've been thinking: Do I really want to quit this shit? I understand when people say: "You need to want to quit porn forever and never return to it, you need to make the decision 100% to never watch again" but, at the same time, this is a foreign concept to me. To be honest with you, all I want is to edge myself into an oblivion, all day long then drink myself out cold. I don't want to quit, I want to use and still experience the benefits of being porn-free, and this, as everyone here knows, it's not possible. You can't be a porn addict and the best version of yourself because porn rubs you of your sexual energy which is the most important energy in the world and the source of many inventions and achievements. Porn comes and sucks this energy out of you (no pun) like a vampire, while promising you endless pleasure and comfort.

Maybe I'm still here battling porn addiction because I can't make up my mind to abandon porn. And maybe I can't do this because porn ended up being everything for me, which is sad to admit. I don't like to open this topic because... because of the fuckin ego, that's why, I don't want to admit that I'm a loser in denial, denying myself that I am a loser with a shit, empty life, no friends, no girlfriend, addicted, procrastinating, wanting to do a lot of things but doing nothing, instead wasting time. I don't want to admit that I'm 31 years old and I should be further ahead than where I am now. I don't want to admit that I'm desperate to see a different life around myself while feeling incapable. That's the thing. If you asked me 9 times out of 10, I would never admit all this. And for the "1" you have to catch me in a certain moment, maybe drunk, or anonymous like now.

Also, it's not the only addiction I have. It's been almost 10 days since I drank last time and honestly I want to drink myself out cold. The craving is massive. Today I wanted to buy alcohol but I decided I needed more time to heal from my sickness now, which ain't no big deal, in the past I drank myself out cold while being super sick, it wouldn't be a first. I would suffer, refusing to take medication, just so I could get drunk.

I don't know where it would end with those two fuckin things. I've been thinking that maybe it's alcohol I should invest more time in quitting? Because just when things go well with porn, I end up messing everything up because of not being able to avoid a drinking session. The problem is that those two addictions influence each other. I would certainly feel too depressed while ignoring the porn addiction for the moment to focus on quitting alcohol, and end up drinking anyway for comfort.

I don't know what more to say. Maybe I should pray more.

 

[jonazo91]

All I can say is I feel you, man. The scariest thing to think about is all the potential I've left on the table over the years. It wasn't all porn (I can procrastinate without porn too), but ignoring the porn would be like ignoring a giant elephant in the room. So much time in my life has been spent on this shit, and it's been my response any time I had a little bit of a challenge: having to finish writing a paper due in the morning on no sleep, any sort of emotional problem, stress in my life: porn. At least an hour of a day for nearly every stressful (or bored, or depressed, etc) situation in my teen-adult life. And that's what I'm fighting against. It's so embarrassing to admit what a big crutch it's become in my life. And I think about it once the cravings are gone and I hate it. It's ugly and demeaning to everyone involved. It brings out the worst in people on both sides of the screen. But somehow, I also love it and feel like I need it. It's my little dirty secret that I can always run to. It does feel really hard to quit. But every time I go through a couple days successfully without it, I feel like, wow, I feel better about myself! I feel proud of how I've handled myself over the past few days. But it never lasts very long.


All I'll say is, having only used porn once in the past 45 days is something to be proud of. You're doing better than I am. And hey, that's more than a whole month out of this year that porn didn't win. Every moment is a struggle and sometimes I just try to celebrate every moment I'm on the right track and not on the wrong one. I know I'll never be perfect. But I wanna at least rack up as much time trying my best as I can.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

All I can say is I feel you, man. The scariest thing to think about is all the potential I've left on the table over the years. It wasn't all porn (I can procrastinate without porn too), but ignoring the porn would be like ignoring a giant elephant in the room. So much time in my life has been spent on this shit, and it's been my response any time I had a little bit of a challenge: having to finish writing a paper due in the morning on no sleep, any sort of emotional problem, stress in my life: porn. At least an hour of a day for nearly every stressful (or bored, or depressed, etc) situation in my teen-adult life. And that's what I'm fighting against. It's so embarrassing to admit what a big crutch it's become in my life. And I think about it once the cravings are gone and I hate it. It's ugly and demeaning to everyone involved. It brings out the worst in people on both sides of the screen. But somehow, I also love it and feel like I need it. It's my little dirty secret that I can always run to. It does feel really hard to quit. But every time I go through a couple days successfully without it, I feel like, wow, I feel better about myself! I feel proud of how I've handled myself over the past few days. But it never lasts very long.


All I'll say is, having only used porn once in the past 45 days is something to be proud of. You're doing better than I am. And hey, that's more than a whole month out of this year that porn didn't win. Every moment is a struggle and sometimes I just try to celebrate every moment I'm on the right track and not on the wrong one. I know I'll never be perfect. But I wanna at least rack up as much time trying my best as I can.

Bro, you couldn't have said it better. All the potential wasted in my twenties... fuck. I had to live a lie, trying to fool people that I was not a complete loser. But if they found out I was living like a 80 years old man done with life, and felt like one, it would be embarassing. Without bringing porn into the equation, it's very hard to explain all this. All the lack of motivation, lack of energy, lack of drive and ambition to do better, lack of passion. Just like a man who is now 80 years old and has nothing to prove anymore. And I am not supposed to be like this, I know I can do much more but I embraced mediocrity and continued to live a lie, stay in comfort and waste my time. This is a battle not only against porn, but a battle to save my life. We can do it, bro. There is always a way out. Thanks for support.

 

[logicprox]

Day 6

I feel better but also more tempted.

The last relapse was small in comparison to what I would normally do. I didn't binge and I only watched like 2 minutes of porn from one scene. What I did was do some edging to fantasies and some pictures that were not even nude, I think I saw maybe a couple of nude pictures. So I guess it was pretty good for what could've happened given the way things were going in that moment.

It was a build up that led to this. It started with my obsession with "perfect reboot" being disrupted by a masturbation session done on day 34 (?) and then 1 minute of edging to a fantasy when I was drunk.

But then I made the mistake number 1: Thinking that I could feel better by using porn. I had been feeling more lethargic and miserable for some days and I didn't know what to do with it. In the end, I returned to the core of my addiction: Self-medication and comfort. This is what I'm battling and if something gets me it's this. I don't know what I'm going to do if I feel miserable again but I must avoid medicating myself with porn. Until then, exactly the same, porn thoughts management, keeping the porn dopamine low, exactly what I used to do. I can't let this beginning of the year go out of control because it will start messing with my head again later, I know. I can't hide the fact that I feel pretty desperate to succeed with my porn addiction.

Self medication is, I think, what gets most of us. The problem is, this shit is at best a painkiller with a super short effective period. Doesn't do anything for the underlying issues, just makes them worse. You've got it.

 

[logicprox]

For me, I think the purpose of the forum encompasses dealing with all the things that drive you to use PMO. If that's alcohol, then to me seems totally reasonable to include here. But I'm not a moderator lol.

That said, there may be other places more equipped and more helpful in that process. Whatever helps you get it done, though.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Day 1

When everything is going great, I love to fuck everything up. I had started feeling better but it was not enough. I know I can't stay porn free when alcohol is involved but I repeat the same mistake.

Here is the thing: Nobody comes to save me from my shit life. I keep waiting for the magic pill that will heal my suffering, for the planets to align, for the sign to come from Heavens, for the perfect porn streak, for the perfect way to start the porn streak, for the perfect day to begin the porn streak, for the magic button that will get pushed by itself and will make me quit alcohol, just so I could suppress the fact that I want an easy way out, I want someone to come and take everything away without me doing any work. And this is not possible and it will never happen. This is about me doing the hard work to save myself. And I'm not doing this. How can I stay away from porn and alcohol without addressing why the fuck I keep using them?

So what the fuck happened? Yesterday I got drunk. I was at my night shift but feeling good. Energy level was good. And instead of staying the fuck away from alcohol thoughts, the idea of a drinking session started to sound great. And as soon as the "Do it/Don't do it" thing starts in your head, you have all the chances to head for a disaster. I left work, telling myself I should go straight home because I will mess my porn streak for good if I start drinking. But in the end, the addicted voice won and managed to convince me that I had the tools to handle drinking without PMO. I was in the store at 7 past in the morning and I felt something was wrong. I told myself: "Put the bottle back on the shelf and walk away, you will mess everything up, you will get drunk and binge porn, you know that." But I was determined. I was so sure I could handle everything.

Went home, slept for about 3 hours, started drinking on an empty stomach (don't do this), got drunk and started searching porn on my computer but I have a parental control activated and it didn't work. Great, right? But it seems not to work on my phone. Of course, I was so desperate to find porn, I grabbed my phone and found porn so easy. 4-5 PMOs just like that. Now I feel drained, completely miserable mentally, on the verge of crying and battling a chaser effect... I am not even sure I could end this day without another round.

What the fuck more can I say? I refuse to help myself. I choose the drama. I choose the medication, not the reality. I keep finding excuses why I am still in this mess. I keep finding excuses why my life is shit and why I am an alcohol addict and a porn addict. I don't know what to say anymore. I need time to, hopefully, find myself.

 

[Phineas 808]

Just let be what is, Escape. Don't try and fight it in this headspace... Just know that you will come back down to a place of normalcy, and then you can figure out what led up to the drinking thoughts (at work) to begin with... Did the beast-brain say it was a 'reward' for good behavior? - as an example.

Relax, regroup, refocus, and rework your plan based on your analysis of what led into this...

Even if you should have a moment, an hour, an evening, or several days of excess, the next morning is yours for you to recapture the equanimity and self-respect of your mindful self- Stanton Peele.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Day 0

I know that my suffering is self-chosen. I am desperately clinging to this rebooting thing, thinking that once I'm done with porn, everything is going to be absolutely great. And something tells me I'm deluded. Porn is not my problem, porn is the symptom. If I stopped finding excuses and procrastinating, if I started working as hard as necessary on improving my life, maybe porn wouldn't have a place in it anymore. Of course porn is seductive, porn will always be amazing, but it doesn't mean that we need it. But as I continue to deliberately keep myself a wreck, I will always need it.

I don't know what the fuck I've been doing for the past 10 years. I've let myself down too fast. All this while waiting for someone to come and save me. This is ridiculous. I deserve everything I'm going through because I ain't doing a damn thing about it.

And without further ado, this is the soundtrack of my today: