I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

[jonazo91]

Posting here because it's been a little too long. My last slip up was Saturday night/Sunday morning. The next day I had the feeling of "I'm so done with this," which is a feeling I've had plenty of other times as well, so take that as you will. I've been doing okay this week since then, but I need to remind myself that nothing is going to happen by accident or luck. I need to work at this, all the time, make it my life's project, and ask for God's help as well. I did some brief meditation today after a few days slacking off on it. It's funny but I do think I can see the benefit of it, in an indirect way. You recognize the constant flow of thoughts in your brain and you can take a second to pick and choose which ones are worth following. But consistency is key. And humility.


PMO last week: 2?
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 3 days

 

[Androg]

Keep on truckin'!

 

[jonazo91]

First the positive: I went a solid 9 days, which is my longest streak in quite a while. It may not sound like much in the grand scheme of things, but for me, it's a clear step in the right direction. Coupled with the just-shy-of-a-week streak I had a few weeks ago, I can say that perhaps I'm slowly digging myself out of this, or at least giving myself a chance to.

Also! And related! I had some success in the bedroom/ED department, which is fantastic news. And it had been giving me some extra motivation to keep going and see more and better improvement.


Now the bad. Today (starting last night actually) I've had a pretty rough relapse with multiple PMOs. I feel drained, ashamed, like a fake and a phony. I'm trying to give myself a lifeline that it's still just one day, I can get myself back on track and get another clean week (and more) under my belt if I start now. But I have to soberly acknowledge that I seriously let myself down today. For a while it was like I was trying to "make up for the lost time" by just constantly and repeatedly looking at more porn, even while I could hear the other part of my brain protesting and pleading with me to stop.

So, that's where I'm at. Looking at the big picture, I think I'm still in an upward trajectory if I snap out of this now and get back on the right track. But small picture, I've had an awful day for my recovery and I'm struggling now to keep my mental self-talk in check and remind myself that I'm still in this fight.



PMO last week: 1
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days

 

[Androg]

It's sometimes amazes me that we give up ****, get our erections back, and then go back to ****. Can we be thinking?

 

[jonazo91]

Well. I find myself in a rut again. I was naïve to think that because I'd stayed away successfully for 9 days it would be no problem for me to jump right back on the horse. Nothing happens at all without conscious effort. I've been expecting to just be done with this current porn rut I'm in without doing any self-reflection. I've been being lazy. I haven't been meditating or exercising. I thought I could coast for a while as I try to regain the energy I've been robbing of myself with these PMO sessions. It's not working. It feels like I'm right back where I started, as if I've made no progress at all and am just continuing to get worse.

I can't just wing it. I have all these tendencies, and it's hard to say whether they feed into my porn problem, or if my porn problem causes them. More likely it's a feedback loop that goes both ways. The tendency to coast. The tendency to give up the hard work after a small success, as if the small success is "enough for now." The tendency to try to find the easy way out. Quitting porn is going to take reinventing myself as a person, which is at the end of the day the reason I want to quit porn in the first place. It's all one thing but I want to treat it like I can just go on like normal and just cut out porn. So that no one would even notice anything different about me but I would secretly know I quit porn. But that's not happening. I need to radically transform myself. For the better. I just don't know how to build the habit of building habits, so to speak. It's like, the key to not being lazy anymore is to stop being lazy. Seems simple enough, but how to take that first step?

PMO last week: 1
PMO this week: I think 5? I've been in a haze and the MOs have come after who knows how long of mindlessly looking at P. It might be 6.
Current streak: 0 days

 

[Androg]

Well you know what you need to do.

 

[Phineas 808]

Jonazo, very proud of your 9 days! You now have a challenge to beat, 9 days clean! And I also really appreciate the self-awareness expressed in your latest post. Be patient with yourself. Nothing can take from you your recent streak, just expand on it. Be that trnasformed person.

 

[jonazo91]

Unfortunately this is another bummer post, because I just had another relapse episode that started last night into this morning. I think that the sooner I take account for it, acknowledge that it happened, and do my post on here admitting what I did, the less chance this will turn into a binge. Once was more than enough. I don't know how I'll be done with this stuff. The change has to come from within. You guys all give the best, most solid advice but it really doesn't do anything if I'm not applying it. I know what I need to do. It feels hard to try to start the process of recovery, again, in the middle of the day after draining myself of all my energy. And to get out of the head state of porn, which is a disgusting head space that I'm all too familiar with. But it's better than the alternative. I want to be done with this so badly. I think having a strict post-relapse routine is going to be an important piece of the puzzle. I need to be completely accountable every time. Hopefully I won't need it very often. But I have to understand that relapse comes with consequences. Besides the long term ones, that is.

I don't know. I've said everything there is to say. I don't think there's anything new I can say.



PMO last week: 6-7
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days

 

[Androg]

Well, be a bit gentle with yourself. You are up against something that weakens your willpower. Really think about that.

Of course, it's easy to slip. It's not because you are weak as a person. It's because some brain-circuitry is so well traveled and solidified, that you are likely to behave like an automaton...unless you get some detachment and realize in the moment exactly how you are being pushed where you don't want to go.

So keep a sense of humor. It's going to "win some." Meanwhile, develop strategies for interrupting the pattern in the moment. What will you do to achieve this next time? You have to resist in order to lay down alternative brain-circuitry. It, too, will get stronger the more you use it.

 

[jonazo91]

Okay, in keeping with my new resolution not to let any relapse/setback pass without accounting for it and owning up to it, I have to admit I had yet another PMO. It used to be a little rarer that I would PMO twice in so quick a succession but it seems to be getting more common. I don't know what to make of it, but it can't be good. I suppose a longer-term counter is maybe more helpful to look at than a timer of hours and seconds in between relapses.

Whatever. What's important is that I stay aware of what's going on in my brain. I had a PMO early in the day, which led to a lethargic and unmotivated feeling for the next few hours. I struggled with it, and instead of living with the hard feeling of that post-relapse lethargy and guilt, I decided to go back to the porn-seeking mode, which feels like motivation in a twisted kind of way. I've heard some people (I'm thinking of Dr Trish Leigh in particular) talk about how porn puts you into a sort of counterfeit "flow state," the state you get into when you're engaged in an activity and using your brain at its full power because you're powered forward by your motivation. Porn replicates that motivated feeling with pleasure-seeking. So, to my brain, it's preferable to the dead, depressed, embarrassed feeling I'm in after a relapse. So I think that's what led to the second relapse.

Fine. It's over now. I have a new chance to start doing the right thing starting now.

Well, be a bit gentle with yourself. You are up against something that weakens your willpower. Really think about that.

Of course, it's easy to slip. It's not because you are weak as a person. It's because some brain-circuitry is so well traveled and solidified, that you are likely to behave like an automaton...unless you get some detachment and realize in the moment exactly how you are being pushed where you don't want to go.

So keep a sense of humor. It's going to "win some." Meanwhile, develop strategies for interrupting the pattern in the moment. What will you do to achieve this next time? You have to resist in order to lay down alternative brain-circuitry. It, too, will get stronger the more you use it.

Thanks for these words, by the way. I think you're right about having a sort of "sense of humor" about it. What we are attempting is hard. It will come with setbacks. And feeling worthless and beating myself up isn't healthy, and at the end of the day I just want to be healthy. But, I do also need to be tough on myself, in a tough love kind of way. And that means holding myself accountable to my actions. If posting here is a healthy activity (and I don't see how it couldn't be), then I owe it to myself to be more vigilant about it. As well as the other routines I need to set up in my life to become healthy.

Okay. One good thing about posting here after every relapse is that I do feel myself being able to let go a little of the negative feelings about it. I need to move on to the working on it now.


PMO last week: 6-7
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days

 

[jonazo91]

Checking in quickly, had a decent 3-day weekend although I could have been more active and proactive with exercise and staying productive. I'm on day 3 though which feels a hell of a lot better than day 0. I'm going to try to get to bed as soon as possible and try to be productive tomorrow. Hope all is well with everyone.



PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 3 days

 

[jonazo91]

Day 4, I didn't have time to exercise properly yesterday, but I did get a fair amount of walking in, and that felt good. I have a somewhat surprising amount of energy the past few days, but I could still be spending it a little more wisely. I did get to hang out with a friend yesterday and that was nice. Just trying to make sure I'm staying on the ball and prioritizing my own health instead of just doing whatever people ask me to do. All in all feeling okay.


PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 4 days

 

[jonazo91]

Day 5. On the positive, I will say that reaching 5 days was a pretty rare occurrence for me a few months ago and now I've reached it again for a third time in I think 3 months? This time feels pretty good so far. But last time after I reached a decent (by my standards) streak, I crashed pretty hard and went deep back into it before digging myself out again. So I'm a little apprehensive of something like that happening. And I'm worried that I'm not making progress on any of my other routine goals because life keeps getting in the way. I planned to work out after work yesterday, but my fiancee needed my help cleaning the house. Okay, well at least that's still a positive and productive way to spend my time. I'm glad I was able to help out. But I get the feeling that it's always going to be something. Next, her parents are going to be staying with us for a few days, so that'll make it a little hard for me to try and build routines because I'll be entertaining guests. And then we'll be going on a vacation for a week. All these are positive things of course, but they will necessarily get in the way of me setting my life up exactly the way I need to set it up.

Really the lesson here I think is that there is always something. My friend was telling me a story about one of his coworkers complaining that another coworker decided to quit smoking and start intermittent fasting right at one of the most stressful periods at work, thereby making it harder on everyone. My halfway joking comment was "well, there's no putting off your health goals!" Really, it's solid advice that I need to heed myself. There's no waiting for a non-stressful time to start bettering yourself. It will never come! These are just excuses. The truth is, I need to carve out time and not compromise on it if I want to build a consistent exercise routine, as well as all of the other routines I want to add into my life. Sure, some days I will simply be too busy with stuff that comes up, but that's not an excuse to just never get started on it. If the times I was hoping for don't work, I need to find another time that will.

That's all for today. Hope everyone is doing well.



PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 5 days

 

[jonazo91]

I relapsed today. It was an incredibly slow and boring day at work. I think the pressure of making it to a week clean was starting to weigh on me a bit. And the stress of knowing my future in-laws were coming into town. These aren't excuses, I'm just trying to analyze why I did it, and how I can stop it here so it doesn't turn into a binge again.


PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days

 

[Androg]

"A week clean" as a justification for relapse sounds like an unhelpful rationalization for future progress.

 

[jonazo91]

Had another relapse today. I had P dreams last night, which almost felt like relapse on their own, because they were dreams about searching up P. I woke up partly glad it was just a dream, but also still having the craving. I was able to fight it off for a few hours (as in, I'd search something up and then stop myself before looking at it) but eventually I gave in. And of course, it screwed up my mood for the rest of the day. That's no surprise.

"A week clean" as a justification for relapse sounds like an unhelpful rationalization for future progress.

I'm curious, did you mean my post sounded like a justification/rationalization, or did you mean the thought process I described as leading up to my relapse? I feel like milestones can help as concrete goals (a week clean is a good thing and an achievable, bite-sized goal on my way to longer term goals), but on the other hand I could be using it as a justification like you say ("it's been a week, I deserve/owe myself one"). Everything is a balancing act. I really don't know how to quit. And nothing's working.

I want to feel optimistic, like I can get back on the horse again if I watch myself and get back on track this week. But who knows? I can make all the promises in the world.


PMO last week: 1
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days

 

[Androg]

Had another relapse today. I had P dreams last night, which almost felt like relapse on their own, because they were dreams about searching up P. I woke up partly glad it was just a dream, but also still having the craving. I was able to fight it off for a few hours (as in, I'd search something up and then stop myself before looking at it) but eventually I gave in. And of course, it screwed up my mood for the rest of the day. That's no surprise.

I'm curious, did you mean my post sounded like a justification/rationalization, or did you mean the thought process I described as leading up to my relapse? I feel like milestones can help as concrete goals (a week clean is a good thing and an achievable, bite-sized goal on my way to longer term goals), but on the other hand I could be using it as a justification like you say ("it's been a week, I deserve/owe myself one"). Everything is a balancing act. I really don't know how to quit. And nothing's working.

I want to feel optimistic, like I can get back on the horse again if I watch myself and get back on track this week. But who knows? I can make all the promises in the world.


PMO last week: 1
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days

To be honest, it sounded like it might be a rationalization. I thought it was worth encouraging you to think about that.

I have observed that most people who quit porn successfully, make it a choice for life, even if they occasionally relapse. Those who just want to make it a week seldom make any progress. They can just as easily justify making it less than a week, and pretty soon they’re right back to zero.

It’s also true that different approaches work for different people. But in most addiction support groups, people commit to 90 days to see real progress. And there’s science to suggest that periodic binging actually deepens addiction, even if there are periods of abstinence in between. Let me know if you want a link to the research.

 

[jonazo91]

Okay, let's try this: I commit as of today to never look at porn again. Today is day 0.

 

[jonazo91]

I relapsed again. I won't elaborate much this time. Let's just say I wanted to watch porn so I did.


PMO last week: 1
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days

 

[jonazo91]

Relapsed again.


PMO last week: 1
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days