To be honest, I feel like I might need some of this.For ne at least, when it was uncontrollable, I blocked all access that I had porn. I loaded my smartphone and computers with porn block apps. I didn't trust myself around youtube so I blocked it. Blocked insta, fb, the lot.
For me at least, not having access helped. You can share your porn blocking passwords with a trusted friend or just email or to yourself in the future. Also block all prozy sites, any sites that explain how to get around porn blocking sites, etc, lol. For the first month, dont trust your brain. It wants to get back on porn. If he means doing as something as extreme as stopping all internet access for a month so you can win your brain back then I would.
Now?Not doing a lot better. I had another relapse on Monday and really felt like shit about it after. I decided I need to take it a little easy on myself for a while. I get into modes where I get so obsessed with porn, either the quitting of it or the seeking out of it, that it becomes this torturous cycle in my brain. Yesterday I had done better through the day, but then late at night when I should have already been in bed, I started looking again. I didn’t touch myself this time, but I’m counting it anyway as I don’t feel like splitting hairs about this thing. I was doing what I wasn’t supposed to be doing.
I do that kind of a lot, I notice, the “look but don’t touch” thing, which traditionally leads to a full blown relapse within the next 24 hours. So with that in mind I have to be mindful of what my brain is going to throw me today and try and just let the thoughts pass through without acting on them. Not to mention I’m on low sleep, which is also a known risk factor.
I did reach out to one of the SAA groups, and I’ve been given a schedule of zoom meetings that I can jump into whenever I’m ready. I haven’t done that yet, but I will. Eventually. Soon.
PMO last week: 5
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days
I know what you mean by this. I assume what that 12 step means is that you're currently powerless in this situation, and thus, need help and support to get a grip on it. Although I agree with this to some extent, that is, that we all need some kind of help either from a forum like this or a support group or partner etc., I also strongly feel that admitting I'm powerless is utterly defeating to ourselves and does us no good, certainly in the long run! We all have the power to stop this nonsense, maybe not by ourselves at first, but we do have the power to stop and we need to believe it. Our brains are not that powerful. This addiction is NOT that powerful. We CAN kick this habit once and for all, but we have to believe it first, and more importantly, we have to truly want it, not just wish for it, but want it with all our hearts. As Yoda says, do or do not, there is no try.How do I take responsibility while ceding “control”?
That's why I don't like either this idea of being powerless. We do have some control, but it's something like 20 percent us, 80 percent the addiction in the beginning and we need to use that 20 percent to our advantage until the percentage of control increases for us and it's us who have the 80 percent, you know what I'm sayin? In the beginning we need to use whatever we can to get wins. Think about all the situations in history where the David won against the Goliath. Sports is also a good reference, think about all the moments when someone or a team won against impossible odds, we need to become like this, win despite feeling like we're going against the most incredible opponent. How did Buster Douglas beat the invincible Mike Tyson? Etc. What I mean after all this rant is that we have some power, but maybe small, in the beginning that's the point to remember, many times 12 steps model of recovery makes it feel like we are forever powerless over this but I don't believe in that.I know what you mean by this. I assume what that 12 step means is that you're currently powerless in this situation, and thus, need help and support to get a grip on it. Although I agree with this to some extent, that is, that we all need some kind of help either from a forum like this or a support group or partner etc., I also strongly feel that admitting I'm powerless is utterly defeating to ourselves and does us no good, certainly in the long run! We all have the power to stop this nonsense, maybe not by ourselves at first, but we do have the power to stop and we need to believe it. Our brains are not that powerful. This addiction is NOT that powerful. We CAN kick this habit once and for all, but we have to believe it first, and more importantly, we have to truly want it, not just wish for it, but want it with all our hearts. As Yoda says, do or do not, there is no try.
Definitely go to that meeting, there's literally no excuse not to, and let us know how it was.
Best
Hey @jonazo91. I get this, I really do. I have heard that some groups can be kind of cult like etc. However, is there another one you could go to in your area? It's very obvious you need to do something different, to get that accountability that is so essential when first starting out. You also say it was "intense". What do you mean by this? In my opinion, this stuff should be intense because looking at porn is literally playing with fire, doubly so if you're in a relationship or married. Furthermore, looking at porn at work could also cause all kinds of problems for yourself, thus, being intense about quitting this shit habit is the very thing you need at the moment. Now I'm not saying this group is for you, nor am I saying you're necessarily making excuses, however, you do need something different or you're only going to get the same results. Have you tried any online porn groups?I’m afraid this is another “tail between my legs” post. I attended the meeting on Wednesday, and in a lot of ways it was good. But to be honest, I don’t know. It was very intense and felt “culty.”
I should clarify, this WAS an online group, and also that I’m only describing my admittedly unfair reaction to it, not that it was in any way unusual or creepy or anything like that. Just that there was a lot of use of group lingo, like “working the program” and “doing the steps,” that I was unfamiliar with. And the recommendation was that for my first 30 days I attend a (online, zoom) meeting every day. I really want to stress that I don’t think any of this is bad. But deep down I’m resistant to the idea that I need that level of structure and… program. I feel like, odds are, I do, and I’m kidding myself by telling myself I’m somehow better than that. Some people in that meeting had years of sobriety. Everyone who spoke was very welcoming and understanding. I just have to be honest that part of me recoiled at the idea of taking an hour out of my day to get on a zoom meeting every day after work to talk about working the program and doing my steps.Hey @jonazo91. I get this, I really do. I have heard that some groups can be kind of cult like etc. However, is there another one you could go to in your area? It's very obvious you need to do something different, to get that accountability that is so essential when first starting out. You also say it was "intense". What do you mean by this? In my opinion, this stuff should be intense because looking at porn is literally playing with fire, doubly so if you're in a relationship or married. Furthermore, looking at porn at work could also cause all kinds of problems for yourself, thus, being intense about quitting this shit habit is the very thing you need at the moment. Now I'm not saying this group is for you, nor am I saying you're necessarily making excuses, however, you do need something different or you're only going to get the same results. Have you tried any online porn groups?
Best