I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

[jonazo91]

A quick check in tonight, I want to be a little more consistent about posting on here. On the other hand, I'm kind of trying to pull away from being on the internet or on my phone in general as much as possible. But this is a relatively healthy exception I should make time for. I had a pretty good workout yesterday and today I helped my fiancee with some wedding stuff so it was a good weekend overall. But my mood has been all over the place and I was in a pretty foul one most of today, I don't really know why. Just somber and sullen. I'm a little irritated with my fiancee but I don't really have a great reason why. She's not doing anything wrong to deserve it. So I think it's me. I'm trying not to take it out on her too much but she's noticing it anyway. Part of it is just wedding stress I'm sure.

I want to go the rest of the way to the wedding without any more porn. That's just over 30 days. It's an achievable goal, and while obviously I want to stay clean after that as well, I'm going to focus on this set-length goal for now. I know there's a chance I will fail it. I don't know if I need to think of a penalty for failure right now or not, or if I should just have the mindset of "I will not fail." This is within my power to do if I take it seriously. That's my current focus.


PMO last week: 6
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 1 day

 

[strongfuture89]

My guess is to not think about failure or a penalty. Focus your attention on your wedding. 30 days is a very good goal!
Limit your screen time but make an exception to write something small in this journal, count the days till your wedding.
After 1-2 weeks post-PMO it is possible to be more stressed/annoyed for no logical reason, but it will soon pass. Imagine being more than a month in reboot on your marriage, you´ll be much more relaxed and in control!

 

[jonazo91]

Checking back in. I've been really trying to get to sleep at a better hour lately because the difference is night and day when it comes to my mood, my energy level, my ability to self discipline, when I get a decent amount of sleep. On the other hand I can't have it all come crashing down if by chance I don't have a good night of sleep. I need both good self discipline for 80% of the time and a strong contingency plan for the rest of the time. And hopefully over time self discipline will do more of the work.

Some other things that I think will help:

daily meditation. I've started to get back into it and just the routine of it and the allowing myself to listen to my thoughts without acting on them is helpful, I think.

Staying off my phone as much as possible. I've been trying to set times at work where I will simply not pick up my phone for an hour or two. For a while I can feel the reflexive urge to reach for it after a few minutes, but as I let them pass, it feels freeing in a way, simply not to be filling every lull in my day with some extra nonsense stimulation, but instead just letting it be a lull. I can't express how much I miss that feeling, of simply being bored and staring into space and letting my mind wander. It's almost nostalgic because I remember I used to do it a lot as a kid, before I had a phone. I really do miss it and it's nice to grab moments like that back.

Cold showers. I started these up a while ago after reading @Blondie 's experience with them and what can I say. The best I can guess is that the moment of acceptance of "this is going to really suck for a few seconds, but there's no way around it, and then I'll feel better for having done it" is a really instructive little part of my day.

None of these are magic pills. I've had relapses on days where I did all three. But over time, they can only be good habits to incorporate.

PMO last week: 6
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 3 days
Days until my wedding: 31

 

[jonazo91]

Short check in today, not much new to report. Past few days I've been keeping up with a short meditation every day and doing my best to limit phone activity. Today I'm on a little less sleep than I was the past few days but I still feel mostly pretty good. No strong urges but I've noticed myself looking at women perhaps a little too much, trying not to overindulge too much though.


PMO last week: 6
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 5 days
Days until my wedding: 29

 

[jonazo91]

Well, I've been avoiding posting here because it kind of all fell apart. Coming straight from a relapse, I almost don't feel like I have the energy to tell the whole story. I had a solid 8 days, before a night of drinking and coming home to my fiancee already asleep led to a late night relapse that really screwed up my sleep. It was an audio file. I'm hesitant to talk specifically about the kinds of "material" I gravitate towards, because I try not to mention specific details that could potentially be triggering to anyone. But I have to note that I've been gravitating to audio files lately more often, and they're insidious. I think I justify to myself that they're somehow not a full relapse because there's no imagery, but I know that's bullshit.

Afterward, I couldn't sleep all night because I was filled with anxiety and guilt over breaking my 30 day challenge. In the morning, I confessed to my fiancee about it and we had a talk about it. She thinks I should try seeing a professional because she doesn't know how to help. She also said she feels responsible because we don't have sex very often, which she attributed to her low sex drive. I told her I think porn leads ME to have a low sex drive, and I don't blame her at all. She admitted that it's frustrating that she's always the one to initiate. It was a good talk, not confrontational or combative at all, but we still felt awkward the rest of the day. That was Sunday. Today, at work, I relapsed again, again to an audio file, after a full day of peeking and other such "daring myself to go all the way" nonsense.


Okay. So first of all, my fiancé's suggestion that I see a professional or a support group are quickly starting to seem unavoidable. I have lots of hesitations. I already feel overly busy and lacking in free time. I'm concerned, especially if I went the professionnal route, that I wouldn't be satisfied with the first therapist I found, especially since the idea that masturbation is healthy is such a commonly accepted one now. And in general, I'm skeptical of therapy and the idea that everyone with a problem of any kind needs it. I don't want to be someone who "sees a therapist." I know this sounds like deflecting and avoiding my medicine, and it is. But these thoughts really are all slowing me down from seeking help.

The worse fate than being a guy who "needs therapy" is the fate of never beating this thing, of relapsing the night before my wedding, of being in the same loop 10 years from now. Change is hard. Staying the same takes no effort at all. It's so scary to face all this stuff. I've been talking about my past and my childhood a little bit with my fiancee and coming to some slight realizations about some of the things in my past that trigger me to compulsively have this shame/secrecy/anxiety loop around sexuality and porn. But mining all those depths seems like a pain in the ass, to be quite honest. If there is a way I can do this all without "seeking professional help," I want to do it that way. But I know there's no way out without honesty and facing my fears and all the pain and discomfort that comes with it. I've been trying to ignore it all away and it's not working.



PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days
Days until my wedding: 22

 

[Androg]

Don’t hesitate to interview several therapists before you choose one. Ask them their views on addiction to porn.