I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

[jonazo91]

A quick check in tonight, I want to be a little more consistent about posting on here. On the other hand, I'm kind of trying to pull away from being on the internet or on my phone in general as much as possible. But this is a relatively healthy exception I should make time for. I had a pretty good workout yesterday and today I helped my fiancee with some wedding stuff so it was a good weekend overall. But my mood has been all over the place and I was in a pretty foul one most of today, I don't really know why. Just somber and sullen. I'm a little irritated with my fiancee but I don't really have a great reason why. She's not doing anything wrong to deserve it. So I think it's me. I'm trying not to take it out on her too much but she's noticing it anyway. Part of it is just wedding stress I'm sure.

I want to go the rest of the way to the wedding without any more porn. That's just over 30 days. It's an achievable goal, and while obviously I want to stay clean after that as well, I'm going to focus on this set-length goal for now. I know there's a chance I will fail it. I don't know if I need to think of a penalty for failure right now or not, or if I should just have the mindset of "I will not fail." This is within my power to do if I take it seriously. That's my current focus.


PMO last week: 6
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 1 day

 

[strongfuture89]

My guess is to not think about failure or a penalty. Focus your attention on your wedding. 30 days is a very good goal!
Limit your screen time but make an exception to write something small in this journal, count the days till your wedding.
After 1-2 weeks post-PMO it is possible to be more stressed/annoyed for no logical reason, but it will soon pass. Imagine being more than a month in reboot on your marriage, you´ll be much more relaxed and in control!

 

[jonazo91]

Checking back in. I've been really trying to get to sleep at a better hour lately because the difference is night and day when it comes to my mood, my energy level, my ability to self discipline, when I get a decent amount of sleep. On the other hand I can't have it all come crashing down if by chance I don't have a good night of sleep. I need both good self discipline for 80% of the time and a strong contingency plan for the rest of the time. And hopefully over time self discipline will do more of the work.

Some other things that I think will help:

daily meditation. I've started to get back into it and just the routine of it and the allowing myself to listen to my thoughts without acting on them is helpful, I think.

Staying off my phone as much as possible. I've been trying to set times at work where I will simply not pick up my phone for an hour or two. For a while I can feel the reflexive urge to reach for it after a few minutes, but as I let them pass, it feels freeing in a way, simply not to be filling every lull in my day with some extra nonsense stimulation, but instead just letting it be a lull. I can't express how much I miss that feeling, of simply being bored and staring into space and letting my mind wander. It's almost nostalgic because I remember I used to do it a lot as a kid, before I had a phone. I really do miss it and it's nice to grab moments like that back.

Cold showers. I started these up a while ago after reading @Blondie 's experience with them and what can I say. The best I can guess is that the moment of acceptance of "this is going to really suck for a few seconds, but there's no way around it, and then I'll feel better for having done it" is a really instructive little part of my day.

None of these are magic pills. I've had relapses on days where I did all three. But over time, they can only be good habits to incorporate.

PMO last week: 6
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 3 days
Days until my wedding: 31

 

[jonazo91]

Short check in today, not much new to report. Past few days I've been keeping up with a short meditation every day and doing my best to limit phone activity. Today I'm on a little less sleep than I was the past few days but I still feel mostly pretty good. No strong urges but I've noticed myself looking at women perhaps a little too much, trying not to overindulge too much though.


PMO last week: 6
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 5 days
Days until my wedding: 29

 

[jonazo91]

Well, I've been avoiding posting here because it kind of all fell apart. Coming straight from a relapse, I almost don't feel like I have the energy to tell the whole story. I had a solid 8 days, before a night of drinking and coming home to my fiancee already asleep led to a late night relapse that really screwed up my sleep. It was an audio file. I'm hesitant to talk specifically about the kinds of "material" I gravitate towards, because I try not to mention specific details that could potentially be triggering to anyone. But I have to note that I've been gravitating to audio files lately more often, and they're insidious. I think I justify to myself that they're somehow not a full relapse because there's no imagery, but I know that's bullshit.

Afterward, I couldn't sleep all night because I was filled with anxiety and guilt over breaking my 30 day challenge. In the morning, I confessed to my fiancee about it and we had a talk about it. She thinks I should try seeing a professional because she doesn't know how to help. She also said she feels responsible because we don't have sex very often, which she attributed to her low sex drive. I told her I think porn leads ME to have a low sex drive, and I don't blame her at all. She admitted that it's frustrating that she's always the one to initiate. It was a good talk, not confrontational or combative at all, but we still felt awkward the rest of the day. That was Sunday. Today, at work, I relapsed again, again to an audio file, after a full day of peeking and other such "daring myself to go all the way" nonsense.


Okay. So first of all, my fiancé's suggestion that I see a professional or a support group are quickly starting to seem unavoidable. I have lots of hesitations. I already feel overly busy and lacking in free time. I'm concerned, especially if I went the professionnal route, that I wouldn't be satisfied with the first therapist I found, especially since the idea that masturbation is healthy is such a commonly accepted one now. And in general, I'm skeptical of therapy and the idea that everyone with a problem of any kind needs it. I don't want to be someone who "sees a therapist." I know this sounds like deflecting and avoiding my medicine, and it is. But these thoughts really are all slowing me down from seeking help.

The worse fate than being a guy who "needs therapy" is the fate of never beating this thing, of relapsing the night before my wedding, of being in the same loop 10 years from now. Change is hard. Staying the same takes no effort at all. It's so scary to face all this stuff. I've been talking about my past and my childhood a little bit with my fiancee and coming to some slight realizations about some of the things in my past that trigger me to compulsively have this shame/secrecy/anxiety loop around sexuality and porn. But mining all those depths seems like a pain in the ass, to be quite honest. If there is a way I can do this all without "seeking professional help," I want to do it that way. But I know there's no way out without honesty and facing my fears and all the pain and discomfort that comes with it. I've been trying to ignore it all away and it's not working.



PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days
Days until my wedding: 22

 

[Androg]

Don’t hesitate to interview several therapists before you choose one. Ask them their views on addiction to porn.

 

[jonazo91]

Relapse tonight. I will not let this thing defeat me. Or define me. The healing process starts now.

PMO last week: 2
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
Days until my wedding: 17

 

[Squidward81]

Relapse tonight. I will not let this thing defeat me. Or define me. The healing process starts now.

PMO last week: 2
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
Days until my wedding: 17

Hey man. I haven’t been on in a LONG TIME and I read a bunch of your journey and it’s just so inspiring. Yes, there are really messy parts but man, you are so courageous. And brave. And determined. I’m so inspired by not letting your struggle define you, your honesty with your fiancée and this group. Thank you. Idk if we can say things like this but I’m praying for you and your wedding!

 

[jonazo91]

Hey man. I haven’t been on in a LONG TIME and I read a bunch of your journey and it’s just so inspiring. Yes, there are really messy parts but man, you are so courageous. And brave. And determined. I’m so inspired by not letting your struggle define you, your honesty with your fiancée and this group. Thank you. Idk if we can say things like this but I’m praying for you and your wedding!

Thank you for those kind words, and for your prayers! I look at my own journey on here as filled with a lot of frustration, a lot of starts and stops and coming up short; I wish I had more courage and were more honest with my fiancee, for example. So hearing that it is inspiring to someone else, even in its imperfect and frustrating state, is inspiring to me. I can't give up hope. It's maybe not the best place to look for motivation (I should be doing this for my own relationship and personal mental health) , but to be honest, one of my motivations is that I want to make you guys proud of me. So that means a lot. Thank you, and I promise I will not give up.


PMO last week: 2
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 1 day
Days until my wedding: 15

 

[jonazo91]

Hi all, it's been a little too long since I posted here. I've gone a week. The wedding stress is definitely kicking into high gear now, even though in a lot of ways the planning is mostly over. In my fiancée's head, it's never over, there's an endless to do list. But mostly it's exciting.

Today I had some urges and even incidents of looking up stuff I shouldn't have. Nothing explicit and I've been able to stop myself early, but it was noticeable enough that I need to point it out.

I haven't been doing as well with the other stuff, like sticking to a daily meditation, watching what I eat, exercising, getting to bed early. Which is bad, because those things are actually the reasons I'm trying to quit porn. I want to quit porn to get back control of my daily life, which means the stuff I listed above. Still, I'm happy I have a week clean under my belt and I feel that if I recommit myself to be vigilant, I can keep going on this. But it won't happen by accident. I do want to cut myself a little slack with the routines, because we've been so busy with some sort of wedding planning every day for the past few weeks. But you can only cut yourself so much slack.

Also, my dog is having stomach problems but they might go away on their own, they usually do. And the screen on my phone cracked, I got it replaced, and it cracked immediately again, they must've done a shoddy job. Oh well, I shouldn't be on my phone that much anyway! That's another area where I've been slacking by the way, keeping myself off my phone as much as possible. More than anything I have to get back to that.


PMO last week: 1
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 7 days
Days until my wedding: 9

 

[jonazo91]

Quick check-in today. A lot going on right now, which is to be expected. I got my marriage license today, and I get married in two days. I have gone 14 days without any serious incidents, however there have been times where I had minor slip-ups like almost looking something up, looking up stuff but then stopping myself before viewing it, etc. Still, pretty good for me. I just don't want to get cocky. Every day is a new challenge and a new adventure.

I had sex with my fiancee earlier today, and a few things were going on. I was feeling the effects of cannabis at the time, and I started getting into my head about my sexual recovery and whether or not I'd ever take full pleasure in sex again, and started spiraling a little. I was able to snap out of it, but I wasn't able to O. That's not a big deal, it was still a good experience overall. But figured this is the place to journal stuff about my sexual health as it relates to my porn recovery.

PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 14 days
Days until my wedding: 2

 

[Blondie]

Nice job staying clean @jonazo91. Congrats on the wedding soon!

 

[STST]

How was the wedding bro?

 

[jonazo91]

Wow, been so busy ever since the last post. Wedding and then honeymoon in Iceland immediately after. I will write more later, but it’s been a fantastic time. Today we’re heading back home, and I’ve been sneaking around looking at stuff I shouldn’t be on my phone. I think it’s because all the excitement is just about over and I feel myself crashing back down to earth, mood-wise, after living on cloud 9 for so long. I hadn’t looked at any porn for weeks before today, so that’s a shame. I didn’t go father than looking but still not happy at all about it.


PMO last week: 0
Porn this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days

 

[Androg]

Wow, been so busy ever since the last post. Wedding and then honeymoon in Iceland immediately after. I will write more later, but it’s been a fantastic time. Today we’re heading back home, and I’ve been sneaking around looking at stuff I shouldn’t be on my phone. I think it’s because all the excitement is just about over and I feel myself crashing back down to earth, mood-wise, after living on cloud 9 for so long. I hadn’t looked at any porn for weeks before today, so that’s a shame. I didn’t go father than looking but still not happy at all about it.


PMO last week: 0
Porn this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days

Moods change, and you are right to be concerned that you’re not recovered if you can’t stay sober because your mood changes.

We are not entitled to be elated all of the time. Or even to avoid boredom all of the time. But we can do a lot to keep our mood more even. Exercise is one of the best tactics. so is daily affectionate touch.

 

[jonazo91]

I would be a fool to think I’m recovered, it hasn’t even been 30 days yet. I’m not too surprised that I’m more vulnerable to urges now than I have been in weeks, but I wasn’t under any illusions that I was recovered. I’m still traveling today so everything is in flux, a hard to stick to any type of routine, let alone exercise. Affectionate touch I should be able to manage though. I’m trying to focus on regulating my mood, dealing with stress and letting my urges come and go without acting on them anymore. I still feel better overall and a little better equipped to weather the storm than I felt a month ago, but the fact is I did view pornographic images last night and this morning on purpose. But I hope I can put behind me and move on for now. That’s why I came on here to post.

 

[jonazo91]

Well, I didn't make it. Last night when I got home, I relapsed and it was pretty bad. If anything, how tired I was probably cut down the length of my session. I have a million excuses and justifications running through my head, but I'm trying to reject them all. I know there were factors leading up to it. But there will always be factors. It's time to become stronger and better, not fall back into old patterns. I'm starting over now, but hopefully not from square one. I feel like I did learn some things and some strategies on this latest streak (the longest I've had in years probably, over 21 days at which point I lost count briefly). I need to do a LOT better, though, and that starts right now.

PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days

 

[Androg]

It will only get more difficult after each relapse. Remember: You are always training your brain.

 

[jonazo91]

I’m in the middle of a crash and burn right now. The fact is, a big part of me still really, really likes porn, and I can’t escape the fact that it’s me. It’s not a different person posting this, it’s all the same me, making the same decisions. There’s a part of me that hates it too, sure, but ultimately the urge to seek pleasure always feels stronger than the sober decision to avoid regret. If you could hear the internal monologue in my mind only an hour ago, you would hear the thoughts of a man who really really likes porn, more than a lot of things. And not just a bland appreciation for it but a whole complex inner story of what it does to me and why I can never get enough. It’s all just addiction brain, I guess, but it’s ME. The guy writing this.

Liking porn is liking to be evil. I can’t get around that. I don’t think I’m evil. But I can’t let myself off the hook either, for the things I voluntarily look at.

And I hate coming on here and saying all this because I know some disapproval and disappointment are coming my way, and I deserve it, and I’m trying to keep myself honest by posting here when I’ve fucked up. But I don’t like it.


PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days

 

[Androg]

You're not evil. Just hooked. But only you can free yourself. If you need more support, what about a 12-step or other similar, structured approach? Alternatively, you may just need to scrape bottom first.