She may have already figured a lot of it out....
Boy is this the truth. Every time I've gone back to it, it just gets grosser and grosser, and not sexy at all.Even after a relatively short time away from porn, it feels gross to look at it again. It's vulgar and not sensual at all. It's not even really "sexy." But anyway I still went through with it.
I don't know yet. But I need a change. I relapsed again today, 2nd time in 2 days, and can feel myself backsliding again if I'm not vigilant with myself. I did it early in the day, which sucks when I still need to be fully "on" for the rest of the day. I'm trying not to wallow in shame, but I feel guilt for it which is completely valid to feel. And on top of it, I still feel the tiredness, boredom and stress that were factors in the relapse. I need to be done with this, right now. Yes, I need to talk to my fiancee. But man, I really am scared of the conversation. I don't really want to put this on her, but really I'm just scared of having to open up and be vulnerable and admit faults.How will involve others around you?
I was doing this for a short while but fell off the habit. I will start it up again tonight.Hey man, how are your habits? Fwiw: for me a daily meditation practice is what looks to be making the most positive impact.
Just give it your best.Unfortunately only here with more bad news. Today I was flirting with relapse most of the day, peeking at bad material until finally now I just did. In a lot of ways even though I didn't sit there jerking for hours, it still felt like a full day relapse. And now I don't even feel horrible, just numb. Defeated, in a way, but like I gave up the fight hours ago and PMO was just a formality.
Now, it's a few hours before my bedtime and my fiancee is sleeping. Usually I'd fill this time with some leisure activity but I don't want to associate my actions with the reward of kicking back and taking it easy, playing video games or anything like that. I don't want to punish myself necessarily, but I need to fill the rest of my day with responsible actions and so I'm going to do some chores and get ready for tomorrow and go to bed at a decent hour.
The subject of my porn issue came up in a longer conversation with my fiancee and she reiterated that she thinks it's not necessarily a bad thing in itself and she thinks I should address the shame I have around it instead of worrying about every relapse. I disagree that it's not a bad thing. Unfortunately I took her words as a sort of "green light" to relapse even though that's not what she meant. It was like I resented her saying that and wanted to act out in a way. But she's right about the shame maybe. I don't know how to get into how disgusting and soul eating of a habit it really is with her. But I won't grow from feeling more and more shameful about it. I need to face it for what it is and address what feelings I have that make me act out in this way.
Anyway that's all I've got for tonight. A bad day overall for my recovery. But the fight goes on. I would love to get out of this rut that I've started to dig for myself, and I think that starts with taking positive actions for my health.
I was doing this for a short while but fell off the habit. I will start it up again tonight.
PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 4
Current streak: 0 days