I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.

[Androg]

She may have already figured a lot of it out....

 

[jonazo91]

She may have already figured a lot of it out....

Sweet, then I'm off the hook.

 

[jonazo91]

Hello. I have a habit of only coming on here after a relapse and I ought to try and change that. I haven't gotten into any shenanigans since Sunday. But if I want to keep going and keep growing, I'm going to need to do more. I don't have all the words right now. I've been trying to let the random sexual thoughts that pop into my head just come and go, without giving them too much attention negative or positive. I've been trying to keep busy at work, and stay present when I'm at home with my fiancee. But I haven't worked out or meditated lately. I still haven't had another conversation with her. Maybe I can say I'm building up the nerve. It's a little easier to talk about when I can at least say "well, I've been clean for 5 days." Anyhow that's what's going on with me.

PMO last week: 2
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 4 days

 

[Androg]

 

[jonazo91]

Been absent for too long on here, I've been doing a little better but not perfect. Friday night/early Saturday morning I looked at porn but I didn't touch myself. I know that's a stupid thing to, do by the way, but the part of me that is doing it isn't ever the smart part of me. Since then I've been okay though. With my last two porn incidents ending without masturbating, it's been I think about two weeks since my last full PMO. But I'm choosing to use the strictest possible criteria for a streak, so my streak is 4 days. I'm still just trying to take it day by day and minute by minute, and focusing on what I should be doing better at.


PMO last week: 2
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 4 days

 

[jonazo91]

I went about 2 and a half weeks without masturbation. It wasn't a perfect streak as there were close calls along the way, and times that I fully looked at porn but simply didn't go all the way to MO. But still, all things considered it was the best I've done in a very long time. Last night (early this morning technically) I relapsed. I can look into the reasons I did this but really in many ways it was unremarkable. I was up late, bored, tired, stressed, off my A-Game and decided I deserved the "break." As I'm sure many of you can relate to, I didn't even like it. Even after a relatively short time away from porn, it feels gross to look at it again. It's vulgar and not sensual at all. It's not even really "sexy." But anyway I still went through with it.

Now it's the next morning and I'm on pretty low sleep (because I stayed up to watch porn). I'm disappointed in myself but trying to focus on what I do next.

 

[Blondie]

Sorry to hear this @jonazo91, don't be too hard on yourself.

Even after a relatively short time away from porn, it feels gross to look at it again. It's vulgar and not sensual at all. It's not even really "sexy." But anyway I still went through with it.

Boy is this the truth. Every time I've gone back to it, it just gets grosser and grosser, and not sexy at all.

You got this man, just pull yourself together and keep on marching on. Remember what you learned here.

Best

 

[jonazo91]

I had another slip up today. It really screwed up my mood too. I was tired and lacking energy, but now I really feel drained and bummed out. I don't want to go back down this road again, I was just getting the first taste of something approaching freedom. I'm going to try and pick myself up and keep moving. The next few days are a bad time to have a sit down conversation with my fiancee, but I need to do it as soon as possible. I want to keep moving in the right direction but today has not been it so far.

PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days

 

[Androg]

Maybe this is happening because you know you really need to level with her. If so, take a hint.

 

[jonazo91]

I haven't looked at porn since that last post. I want to stress again I haven't been perfect, I've had plenty of lustful thoughts, and some instances of peeking at p-subs, but I've managed to stay clear of a full relapse. A few things have contributed to this: I was very occupied last weekend, with two of my fiancee's bridesmaids staying at our place for her Bachelorette weekend, me participating in some of it and being busy hosting and entertaining otherwise, with not a lot of room or time to get into trouble. However I have had my moments that would usually lead to relapse and one way or another I've gotten past them, sometimes just being lucky not to have urges.

Overall my sex drive seems a little lower lately. It's been a while since my fiancee and I have done it, the last time being when I had some more issues with my erection. Part of it is probably my fear of another embarrassing incident. Part of it is that she hasn't been feeling up it it either lately. And part of it may be a flatline for me. I can't say for sure.

Today I'm on low sleep as my sleep was interrupted this morning. My fiancee has a stomach bug that kept her up most of the night so she has even less sleep than I do. And the wedding responsibilities just keep coming, along with all the other responsibilities. Part of me still thinks, perfect time to escape for a few hours and just comfort myself. Part of me thinks I just don't have time, and I know a relapse would only slow me down and make me less effective (and I'm not exactly a machine of perfect effectiveness as it is). But mostly I'm just trying to take it one hour at a time and know I won't be perfect, but keep trying my best.

PMO last week: 2
PMO this week: 0
Current streak: 7 days

 

[Androg]

You will enjoy life more if you don’t

 

[jonazo91]

Well I relapsed, starting early morning into this morning. Started looking up content last night, went to bed without touching, but kept peeking this morning until I finally gave in and MOd. Not a great feeling. I'm going to focus on picking myself right back up and redoubling my efforts. I will defeat this. But I need to involve people around me and open up to people about it.


PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days

 

[Androg]

How will involve others around you?

 

[jonazo91]

How will involve others around you?

I don't know yet. But I need a change. I relapsed again today, 2nd time in 2 days, and can feel myself backsliding again if I'm not vigilant with myself. I did it early in the day, which sucks when I still need to be fully "on" for the rest of the day. I'm trying not to wallow in shame, but I feel guilt for it which is completely valid to feel. And on top of it, I still feel the tiredness, boredom and stress that were factors in the relapse. I need to be done with this, right now. Yes, I need to talk to my fiancee. But man, I really am scared of the conversation. I don't really want to put this on her, but really I'm just scared of having to open up and be vulnerable and admit faults.


PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days

 

[Androg]

Do you need another kind of accountability to begin with? A different kind of daily support perhaps?

 

[jonazo91]

I did it again, twice in one day, which I'd promised myself I was done with for good. I don't really want to elaborate right now because I feel like I'm repeating myself. I was doing a lot better and now I fear backsliding all the way back to where I was, masturbating multiple times within a day. I know some things I need to do, but I don't know if I have the strength to do them yet.

I'm here because I feel the best thing I can do is at least come clean about a relapse in some aspect. But I need more accountability in my real life for sure.


PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days

 

[EarthWalker]

Hey man, how are your habits? Fwiw: for me a daily meditation practice is what looks to be making the most positive impact.

Good luck.

 

[jonazo91]

Unfortunately only here with more bad news. Today I was flirting with relapse most of the day, peeking at bad material until finally now I just did. In a lot of ways even though I didn't sit there jerking for hours, it still felt like a full day relapse. And now I don't even feel horrible, just numb. Defeated, in a way, but like I gave up the fight hours ago and PMO was just a formality.

Now, it's a few hours before my bedtime and my fiancee is sleeping. Usually I'd fill this time with some leisure activity but I don't want to associate my actions with the reward of kicking back and taking it easy, playing video games or anything like that. I don't want to punish myself necessarily, but I need to fill the rest of my day with responsible actions and so I'm going to do some chores and get ready for tomorrow and go to bed at a decent hour.

The subject of my porn issue came up in a longer conversation with my fiancee and she reiterated that she thinks it's not necessarily a bad thing in itself and she thinks I should address the shame I have around it instead of worrying about every relapse. I disagree that it's not a bad thing. Unfortunately I took her words as a sort of "green light" to relapse even though that's not what she meant. It was like I resented her saying that and wanted to act out in a way. But she's right about the shame maybe. I don't know how to get into how disgusting and soul eating of a habit it really is with her. But I won't grow from feeling more and more shameful about it. I need to face it for what it is and address what feelings I have that make me act out in this way.

Anyway that's all I've got for tonight. A bad day overall for my recovery. But the fight goes on. I would love to get out of this rut that I've started to dig for myself, and I think that starts with taking positive actions for my health.

Hey man, how are your habits? Fwiw: for me a daily meditation practice is what looks to be making the most positive impact.

Good luck.

I was doing this for a short while but fell off the habit. I will start it up again tonight.


PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 4
Current streak: 0 days

 

[Androg]

Unfortunately only here with more bad news. Today I was flirting with relapse most of the day, peeking at bad material until finally now I just did. In a lot of ways even though I didn't sit there jerking for hours, it still felt like a full day relapse. And now I don't even feel horrible, just numb. Defeated, in a way, but like I gave up the fight hours ago and PMO was just a formality.

Now, it's a few hours before my bedtime and my fiancee is sleeping. Usually I'd fill this time with some leisure activity but I don't want to associate my actions with the reward of kicking back and taking it easy, playing video games or anything like that. I don't want to punish myself necessarily, but I need to fill the rest of my day with responsible actions and so I'm going to do some chores and get ready for tomorrow and go to bed at a decent hour.

The subject of my porn issue came up in a longer conversation with my fiancee and she reiterated that she thinks it's not necessarily a bad thing in itself and she thinks I should address the shame I have around it instead of worrying about every relapse. I disagree that it's not a bad thing. Unfortunately I took her words as a sort of "green light" to relapse even though that's not what she meant. It was like I resented her saying that and wanted to act out in a way. But she's right about the shame maybe. I don't know how to get into how disgusting and soul eating of a habit it really is with her. But I won't grow from feeling more and more shameful about it. I need to face it for what it is and address what feelings I have that make me act out in this way.

Anyway that's all I've got for tonight. A bad day overall for my recovery. But the fight goes on. I would love to get out of this rut that I've started to dig for myself, and I think that starts with taking positive actions for my health.


I was doing this for a short while but fell off the habit. I will start it up again tonight.


PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 4
Current streak: 0 days

Just give it your best.

 

[jonazo91]

Okay so this is now the worst week I've had in a while by far. Two more incidents since my last post. Last night, I started peeking and then quickly to touching. I decided to stop looking and just continue with just my imagination, which was actually kind of difficult and I almost gave up entirely which might have been better. And then today again, in the bathroom at work after everyone else left for the weekend. So this is a rut. Every rut has its end, but I don't just want to "wait it out." I really am trying to do my best, at least in terms of responding to relapses by being as proactive as I can, but I keep finding myself back in the same place, giving in as soon as I get an urge. I want to make progress.


PMO last week: 0
PMO this week: 6
Current streak: 0 days