I know I can do it. I can feel myself getting closer to success.
- Thread starter jonazo91
- Start date
jonazo91
Active Member
Another day. So far today I haven’t looked at porn or masturbated, so a massive goddamn improvement over the past two days if I can stick with it for 5 and a half more hours. @Androg I reached out to one of those groups you linked, so thanks. I haven’t taken any further action on it yet but I will. I felt tired and unfocused at work today, but still better than the past two days. It’s nice to remember than I’m more than just my porn problem. Because that’s what I need to build on.
Anyhow that’s all for now.
PMO last week: 1
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days
Anyhow that’s all for now.
PMO last week: 1
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days
jonazo91
Active Member
Still doing the same shit, still sneaking around at work to look at porn, back in the same cycle I was in a month ago. I don’t have any appreciation for the urgency of this. I’m watching my life slip away from me in slow motion.
I’m going to try to turn it around and tight the ship. I’ll reach out to that SPAA group those weekend.
PMO last week: 1
PMO this week: 5
Current streak: 0 days
I’m going to try to turn it around and tight the ship. I’ll reach out to that SPAA group those weekend.
PMO last week: 1
PMO this week: 5
Current streak: 0 days
forceisstrong2
Active Member
Hey man,
Do reach out to SPAA. You recognise the problem which is great. For ne at least, when it was uncontrollable, I blocked all access that I had porn. I loaded my smartphone and computers with porn block apps. I didn't trust myself around youtube so I blocked it. Blocked insta, fb, the lot.
For me at least, not having access helped. You can share your porn blocking passwords with a trusted friend or just email or to yourself in the future. Also block all prozy sites, any sites that explain how to get around porn blocking sites, etc, lol. For the first month, dont trust your brain. It wants to get back on porn. If he means doing as something as extreme as stopping all internet access for a month so you can win your brain back then I would.
All I can say is that it gets so much better without having this awful stuff in your life. Keep fighting this, reach out to SPAA and know you have a lot of brothers here on this forum that are going through the same thing and are here to support
The very best bro
Do reach out to SPAA. You recognise the problem which is great. For ne at least, when it was uncontrollable, I blocked all access that I had porn. I loaded my smartphone and computers with porn block apps. I didn't trust myself around youtube so I blocked it. Blocked insta, fb, the lot.
For me at least, not having access helped. You can share your porn blocking passwords with a trusted friend or just email or to yourself in the future. Also block all prozy sites, any sites that explain how to get around porn blocking sites, etc, lol. For the first month, dont trust your brain. It wants to get back on porn. If he means doing as something as extreme as stopping all internet access for a month so you can win your brain back then I would.
All I can say is that it gets so much better without having this awful stuff in your life. Keep fighting this, reach out to SPAA and know you have a lot of brothers here on this forum that are going through the same thing and are here to support
The very best bro
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
To be honest, I feel like I might need some of this.
jonazo91
Active Member
Not doing a lot better. I had another relapse on Monday and really felt like shit about it after. I decided I need to take it a little easy on myself for a while. I get into modes where I get so obsessed with porn, either the quitting of it or the seeking out of it, that it becomes this torturous cycle in my brain. Yesterday I had done better through the day, but then late at night when I should have already been in bed, I started looking again. I didn’t touch myself this time, but I’m counting it anyway as I don’t feel like splitting hairs about this thing. I was doing what I wasn’t supposed to be doing.
I do that kind of a lot, I notice, the “look but don’t touch” thing, which traditionally leads to a full blown relapse within the next 24 hours. So with that in mind I have to be mindful of what my brain is going to throw me today and try and just let the thoughts pass through without acting on them. Not to mention I’m on low sleep, which is also a known risk factor.
I did reach out to one of the SAA groups, and I’ve been given a schedule of zoom meetings that I can jump into whenever I’m ready. I haven’t done that yet, but I will. Eventually. Soon.
PMO last week: 5
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days
I do that kind of a lot, I notice, the “look but don’t touch” thing, which traditionally leads to a full blown relapse within the next 24 hours. So with that in mind I have to be mindful of what my brain is going to throw me today and try and just let the thoughts pass through without acting on them. Not to mention I’m on low sleep, which is also a known risk factor.
I did reach out to one of the SAA groups, and I’ve been given a schedule of zoom meetings that I can jump into whenever I’m ready. I haven’t done that yet, but I will. Eventually. Soon.
PMO last week: 5
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days
Now?
jonazo91
Active Member
I’ve been running from this place because I haven’t taken any further action on the SAA group which needs to be my priority #1. I had a relapse last Monday the 13th and then went clean until this weekend when I started faltering and peeking at content, leading up to another PMO relapse last night/early this morning.
I should analyze what led up to it, but there are no surprises there. My wife went to bed before me, when it was really time for both of us to go to bed, but instead I stayed up. Every once in a while we do this and I don’t relapse on porn, okay fine. But in a best case scenario I’m still robbing myself of a a good night’s sleep and going to bed with my wife. But very often it leads to porn.
I had a lot more written here but my phone signed me off and lost what I wrote. Long story short, I’m going to keep going through the same cycle if I don’t accept that I need some help with this. The way forward is clear, I just need to actually do it and stop being scared. The idea that I can do it by myself with sheer willpower isn’t strength, it’s just an excuse to keep doing the same thing over and over again. So I know what I need to do next, I just need to gather up the balls to do it.
PMO last week: 2
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days
I should analyze what led up to it, but there are no surprises there. My wife went to bed before me, when it was really time for both of us to go to bed, but instead I stayed up. Every once in a while we do this and I don’t relapse on porn, okay fine. But in a best case scenario I’m still robbing myself of a a good night’s sleep and going to bed with my wife. But very often it leads to porn.
I had a lot more written here but my phone signed me off and lost what I wrote. Long story short, I’m going to keep going through the same cycle if I don’t accept that I need some help with this. The way forward is clear, I just need to actually do it and stop being scared. The idea that I can do it by myself with sheer willpower isn’t strength, it’s just an excuse to keep doing the same thing over and over again. So I know what I need to do next, I just need to gather up the balls to do it.
PMO last week: 2
PMO this week: 2
Current streak: 0 days
jonazo91
Active Member
I relapsed yet again today, right at the end of my work day. It’s crazy how powerless I feel against this thing. It seems unfair. But that seems like a cop out. I know that 12 step programs have you start by admitting you are powerless. It just seems so random. Like on the one hand. I didn’t ask for this. But on the other hand, I ask for it over and over again. How do I take responsibility while ceding “control”?
Tomorrow, I will join a meeting, as long as I can figure out a time that will work for me. If not, I only work a half day Wednesday so I should have absolutely no excuse that day.
PMO last week: 2
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days
Tomorrow, I will join a meeting, as long as I can figure out a time that will work for me. If not, I only work a half day Wednesday so I should have absolutely no excuse that day.
PMO last week: 2
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 0 days
Blondie
Respected Member
I know what you mean by this. I assume what that 12 step means is that you're currently powerless in this situation, and thus, need help and support to get a grip on it. Although I agree with this to some extent, that is, that we all need some kind of help either from a forum like this or a support group or partner etc., I also strongly feel that admitting I'm powerless is utterly defeating to ourselves and does us no good, certainly in the long run! We all have the power to stop this nonsense, maybe not by ourselves at first, but we do have the power to stop and we need to believe it. Our brains are not that powerful. This addiction is NOT that powerful. We CAN kick this habit once and for all, but we have to believe it first, and more importantly, we have to truly want it, not just wish for it, but want it with all our hearts. As Yoda says, do or do not, there is no try.
Definitely go to that meeting, there's literally no excuse not to, and let us know how it was.
Best
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
That's why I don't like either this idea of being powerless. We do have some control, but it's something like 20 percent us, 80 percent the addiction in the beginning and we need to use that 20 percent to our advantage until the percentage of control increases for us and it's us who have the 80 percent, you know what I'm sayin? In the beginning we need to use whatever we can to get wins. Think about all the situations in history where the David won against the Goliath. Sports is also a good reference, think about all the moments when someone or a team won against impossible odds, we need to become like this, win despite feeling like we're going against the most incredible opponent. How did Buster Douglas beat the invincible Mike Tyson? Etc. What I mean after all this rant is that we have some power, but maybe small, in the beginning that's the point to remember, many times 12 steps model of recovery makes it feel like we are forever powerless over this but I don't believe in that.
That's why I feel like the first 3 steps to start with are Admitting, Believe and Accepting help. Admitting what is going wrong (not that bullshit about being powerless, only admitting we are fucked, if we are fucked or whatever is wrong), Believing that we can change that and the 3rd step is pretty much self explanatory but very hard to do for some of us for various reasons.
However, if you don't want to call yourself powerless in the face of your addiction, you can't go to the other extreme and underestimate it. You need to find a balance between not feeling powerless against it but also not getting too complacent and getting KO-ed right when you don't expect it. You need to play the same against every opponent, even if you know they are on 200th place in the ranking and he is not much of a challenge, start fuckin around with him and you might get taken down. As long as you keep up with the seriousness of what you should be doing, you should be alright.
I don't know what else to say.
jonazo91
Active Member
I just told my wife of my plans to join a meeting later today, and she responded by admitting she knew/heard me in the act a few nights ago. I should have known because she sent me a text message from the next room asking "are you okay?" and I sheepishly replied "yeah, I'm OK" and then STILL FINISHED WHAT I WAS DOING. Which is pretty messed up if you think about it. I'm already starting with the excuses in my head, but forget that. She's very forgiving about it, only wants to see me feel better about this stuff. She doesn't really view it as a sin or even cheating, I guess, which is great in a way, but it has nothing to do with my own reasons I need to quit.
It turns out she was "getting ready to do the same thing" (I don't know if porn was going to be involved for her) but then heard me, "which was kind of a buzzkill." Really paints a pretty messed up picture if you think about it, a couple both masturbating solo in two separate rooms in the same house. What if instead, I'd just gone into the room and made a move on her? Makes me sad. And the fact that I had a pretty good feeling I'd been caught, but still went through with it, is pathetic. It means I've burned off some of the natural (and IMO healthy) shame of being caught, that would usually be an instant mood-killer. Instead, it was so important for me to chase my fix that I kept going.
Anyway, I don't want to beat myself up. It took me getting up some nerve to even tell my wife I was going to go to this meeting, and it started a productive conversation with her. But I do want to seriously assess where I am and what it's going to take from me to get out.
PMO last week: 2
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 1 day
It turns out she was "getting ready to do the same thing" (I don't know if porn was going to be involved for her) but then heard me, "which was kind of a buzzkill." Really paints a pretty messed up picture if you think about it, a couple both masturbating solo in two separate rooms in the same house. What if instead, I'd just gone into the room and made a move on her? Makes me sad. And the fact that I had a pretty good feeling I'd been caught, but still went through with it, is pathetic. It means I've burned off some of the natural (and IMO healthy) shame of being caught, that would usually be an instant mood-killer. Instead, it was so important for me to chase my fix that I kept going.
Anyway, I don't want to beat myself up. It took me getting up some nerve to even tell my wife I was going to go to this meeting, and it started a productive conversation with her. But I do want to seriously assess where I am and what it's going to take from me to get out.
PMO last week: 2
PMO this week: 3
Current streak: 1 day
Escapeandnevercomeback
Respected Member
Hey man, I feel like you're doing some good things, you know? You are definitely further ahead than me, I didn't tell anybody about my double life. I would say don't do what I did and try the meetings, try everything, the nuggets don't come to you, you have to put yourself into the position to bump into the nuggets, you know what I'm sayin?
jonazo91
Active Member
I’m afraid this is another “tail between my legs” post. I attended the meeting on Wednesday, and in a lot of ways it was good. But to be honest, I don’t know. It was very intense and felt “culty.”
I should stop here to emphasize that this is a journal of my feelings, and I have absolutely no judgment to pass on the organization or what they do. I can only say how I felt. Also, people might take this as a cop-out, and that it’s just my addiction being scared of change that makes me feel that way. I don’t argue that at all. But it was hard for me to imagine myself signing up for the whole program. I can’t deny it would help. I don’t know. I don’t have a great excuse for not following through. I just don’t see it for myself right now and can only be honest about it here.
I stayed clean through the holiday weekend, and I think I started to get irritable with my wife over the last few days. We had some arguments and disagreements over stuff that seems so petty in retrospect. And then today, back at work, I relapsed, going into the bathroom on my lunch break to get back to the BS.
This can’t be square one. I feel like I have a little more energy to fight this thing now, I don’t know why. What is crystal clear is that I need a plan and I need to stick to it. And that means I need some real life accountability. That’s the tough part. Involving someone else in this whom I can count on. And whom I can be honest with.
To start with, here are a few things I’m committing myself to from now on:
- a post here every day, can just be a counter update
- no dishes in the sink at the end of the night
- In bed by 12:30 am at the latest on work nights
- exercise at least 3 times a week
- a short meditation every day
PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
I should stop here to emphasize that this is a journal of my feelings, and I have absolutely no judgment to pass on the organization or what they do. I can only say how I felt. Also, people might take this as a cop-out, and that it’s just my addiction being scared of change that makes me feel that way. I don’t argue that at all. But it was hard for me to imagine myself signing up for the whole program. I can’t deny it would help. I don’t know. I don’t have a great excuse for not following through. I just don’t see it for myself right now and can only be honest about it here.
I stayed clean through the holiday weekend, and I think I started to get irritable with my wife over the last few days. We had some arguments and disagreements over stuff that seems so petty in retrospect. And then today, back at work, I relapsed, going into the bathroom on my lunch break to get back to the BS.
This can’t be square one. I feel like I have a little more energy to fight this thing now, I don’t know why. What is crystal clear is that I need a plan and I need to stick to it. And that means I need some real life accountability. That’s the tough part. Involving someone else in this whom I can count on. And whom I can be honest with.
To start with, here are a few things I’m committing myself to from now on:
- a post here every day, can just be a counter update
- no dishes in the sink at the end of the night
- In bed by 12:30 am at the latest on work nights
- exercise at least 3 times a week
- a short meditation every day
PMO last week: 3
PMO this week: 1
Current streak: 0 days
Blondie
Respected Member
Hey @jonazo91. I get this, I really do. I have heard that some groups can be kind of cult like etc. However, is there another one you could go to in your area? It's very obvious you need to do something different, to get that accountability that is so essential when first starting out. You also say it was "intense". What do you mean by this? In my opinion, this stuff should be intense because looking at porn is literally playing with fire, doubly so if you're in a relationship or married. Furthermore, looking at porn at work could also cause all kinds of problems for yourself, thus, being intense about quitting this shit habit is the very thing you need at the moment. Now I'm not saying this group is for you, nor am I saying you're necessarily making excuses, however, you do need something different or you're only going to get the same results. Have you tried any online porn groups?
Best
jonazo91
Active Member
I should clarify, this WAS an online group, and also that I’m only describing my admittedly unfair reaction to it, not that it was in any way unusual or creepy or anything like that. Just that there was a lot of use of group lingo, like “working the program” and “doing the steps,” that I was unfamiliar with. And the recommendation was that for my first 30 days I attend a (online, zoom) meeting every day. I really want to stress that I don’t think any of this is bad. But deep down I’m resistant to the idea that I need that level of structure and… program. I feel like, odds are, I do, and I’m kidding myself by telling myself I’m somehow better than that. Some people in that meeting had years of sobriety. Everyone who spoke was very welcoming and understanding. I just have to be honest that part of me recoiled at the idea of taking an hour out of my day to get on a zoom meeting every day after work to talk about working the program and doing my steps.
I know how this sounds, especially in the face of another relapse, evidence that I’m still in the spin cycle that I’ve been in for years. I can hardly justify it. It sounds like I’m running away from a chance for real, fundamental change, and maybe I am. I haven’t closed the door to joining this group. But I’m just trying to honestly voice my hesitations about it so far. It’s stupid, but part of me refuses this idea that I’m fundamentally broken, that I need a 24/7 support system to get through every day. But, the proof is in the pudding. I was looking at porn at work 6 hours ago. That’s not something any healthy person does. I just wish I were strong enough on my own. Maybe it’s an ego thing.
jonazo91
Active Member
Also, I’m in this kind of situation where the only person who realizes I’m on fire is me. Like, my wife understands there’s a problem, but I don’t think she sees it as a hair-on-fire problem yet. Which I’m taking as a good thing, because it means I guess I’ve been able to hide it enough that it’s not seriously jeopardizing my relationship…yet. But if I’m going to tackle this thing in a major way that will greatly impact my daily routine, she will notice and ask why, and I think the conversation I’m still afraid of having is saying, “because I’m currently jeopardizing our marriage and you don’t even know how bad it’s gotten.” Otherwise why would I have to resort to drastic measures? I think in the end she would be supportive, and obviously she knows something’s up, but I can see why it’s hard for addicts to voluntarily check themselves into rehab before they’ve been intervened upon.
Blondie
Respected Member
I get this man. I do think it is an ego thing. I know when I came here, there was a great deal of apprehension because I didn't want to admit I needed this kind of accountability. I had known about this place for years, but I didn't want to go in all the way, because that would mean, I'm a porn addict! Who the fuck would want to admit that? But, that's the facts, at least it was then. I'd like to think now it's in my past, however, the fact remains, that was the facts.
I understand your fears of telling your wife the extent of your porn problem and how scary that can be. When I opened up to my lady that I had looked at six camgirl sessions over a year's time (this was a two years ago), I thought the world was about to end, certainly our part in it, but it didn't and she stuck around and stood by my side. Honestly is the key to this battle. Think about it this way, so much of this problem comes from our shame and thinking we're not good enough for this or that. Well, if you can tell your partner the truth and they still stick around, you've broken the lie that says you're only good enough if you're "perfect", that is, you can only be loved if you hide the truth from your partner, and that no one would love you if they knew the full facts of the matter. Now I can't guarantee that she'll stick around, but from what you've already wrote, it would seem there's a very high chance, especially if you show her you're willing to make great changes to fix this once and for all.
I hope the best for you.
I understand your fears of telling your wife the extent of your porn problem and how scary that can be. When I opened up to my lady that I had looked at six camgirl sessions over a year's time (this was a two years ago), I thought the world was about to end, certainly our part in it, but it didn't and she stuck around and stood by my side. Honestly is the key to this battle. Think about it this way, so much of this problem comes from our shame and thinking we're not good enough for this or that. Well, if you can tell your partner the truth and they still stick around, you've broken the lie that says you're only good enough if you're "perfect", that is, you can only be loved if you hide the truth from your partner, and that no one would love you if they knew the full facts of the matter. Now I can't guarantee that she'll stick around, but from what you've already wrote, it would seem there's a very high chance, especially if you show her you're willing to make great changes to fix this once and for all.
I hope the best for you.