Road to freedom

ADFECTATIO

Active Member
Good thinking! You got this - this little risky slip is a good reminder to renew your focus and it is actually a good thing that keeps you sharp.

Are the mornings your problematic time? Maybe you can work on a morning routine, that gets you going and out of bed without phone or anything.... Have you tried cold showers?

Much love!
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Day 130 clean, but only one day since that significant slip-up yesterday.

Yesterday ended up being clean once I got going. I spent the day out having lunch and visiting museums with the girl I've been seeing.

One thing I notice is that sexual thoughts have been on my mind a lot more recently. It is essentially the result of orgasming with the girl and then later MOing, it reactivated my sexual self I guess. I want those to decrease, they come up mostly when going to sleep and waking up. This girl is the object of my sexual thoughts and not pornography which is a small win but it's still too porn-tainted for my liking.

I'll try to have a productive day with what's left of the day and then I'm going over to have dinner and stay the night at this girl's place.

I got up early and then went to the gym but I just felt so tired. I came back home after the session and gave myself an extra hour of sleep. It's been a veryyyyy slow start to the day.

I'm useless when tired and everything gets harder, including keeping this reboot on track, so I gave myself a "wellbeing gift".

A lot is going on in my life at the moment, mood is a little so-so and I'm quite unsatisfied my perceived unproductivity lately, but what can you do?

As always, today the goal is a porn-free day, that includes substitutes. FUCK porn.

I don't anticipate MO, phone, or video games to be a problem today because I'll have company this evening.

See you tomorrow.
 
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cookiemonster

Active Member
Day 133 clean. 19 weeks clean.

Although seriously that slip-up looking at NSFW content last week was probably more of a relapse than I care to admit. I'm going to put it behind me because I think dwelling on it would discourage and harm me rather than being useful. I'm still on the right track and improving.

I spent multiple days with the girl I've been seeing, that's why I've been inactive. I'm liking her more and more and really enjoy my time with her. She's a real gem, very well intentioned and very much a caring figure. She does a lot for me and I'm trying to do more for her. She has been extremely keen on me since we met and I've taken a longer time to develop feelings but we discuss this very openly and communicate well. I can see a potential serious relationship with her.

Over the past few days, there were multiple handjobs and blowjobs involved. I might have orgasmed 3 times?

I must say though that my erection strength has been decreasing each time and I'm barely ever fully erect it feels but I might be being a bit hard on myself.

Getting me to orgasm also feels almost like mission impossible and requires a lot of time and effort. Definitely got a delayed ejaculation problem on top of the erection issues.

Definitely still some healing to do. I must still be used to porn or the sensation of my own hand. We'll figure it out.

It feels somehow like even all of this real sexual activity is making me regress after the long bouts of pure no PMO, no MO. Maybe doing it all without orgasm on my part could be the way.

Something which goes way against what I've always heard is the fact that getting her to orgasm is way easier than it is to get me to orgasm.

This next bit might be a bit too much information but whatever.

I must say it feels great to be with a real person I care about and like rather than pictures on a screen and it's great to be learning what real intimacy is about. I try to communicate what feels good and what I like, and to my surprise there are sensitive parts of my body I didn't even know about. Figuring things out together is a world away from porn. That being said, I need to figure out what I actually like and what things I like the idea of just because I've seen it in porn. I guess if she's into it too then there's no real problem. Basically should we be trying to keep it as vanilla as possible and avoid anything that might be coming from my "porn brain" or is anything that we feel like trying fair game because it's all with a real partner? Need to figure out what she likes too. With both of us there's a bit of, "well if you like it and I'm neutral about it, let's give it a go" that kind of thing.

If any of this seems a little obvious or even immature, then that's probably because it is and I'm totally new to what sexual activity with a real partner is like and what is should be like. I'm finally learning.

I mentioned to her that my dick might not be 100% because I used to watch a lot of porn and think that I got used to being stimulated from porn and using my own hand. It did feel great to be able to say that I "used to" watch porn and haven't watched it in almost 5 months. She respected me for not watching anymore.

The great thing is that I have no performance anxiety. She can be there holding a semi-limp dick and I'll just make a joke about "making him listen" or something hahah, it's good and we're both comfortable.

As long as I keep controlling the things I can control, then the dick problems won't bother me too much, I'll assume they'll get better over time.

In other news, after the "honeymoon" few days, I spent all day on my phone playing games today. Hard to get back into being productive.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Urges are definitely up though after the sexual activity. I "want" to look at porn but my body isn't horny; my brain wants the dopamine anyway and needs the "shock" to get me there.

Fuck that. I need to keep coming here and reaffirming my goals each morning. It would be a tragedy to start self-sabotaging at this point.

See you tomorrow morning.

Thank you for your support and encouragement @GBS @ADFECTATIO .
 
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Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
Day 133 clean. 19 weeks clean.

Although seriously that slip-up looking at NSFW content last week was probably more of a relapse than I care to admit. I'm going to put it behind me because I think dwelling on it would discourage and harm me rather than being useful. I'm still on the right track and improving.

I spent multiple days with the girl I've been seeing, that's why I've been inactive. I'm liking her more and more and really enjoy my time with her. She's a real gem, very well intentioned and very much a caring figure. She does a lot for me and I'm trying to do more for her. She has been extremely keen on me since we met and I've taken a longer time to develop feelings but we discuss this very openly and communicate well. I can see a potential serious relationship with her.

Over the past few days, there were multiple handjobs and blowjobs involved. I might have orgasmed 3 times?

I must say though that my erection strength has been decreasing each time and I'm barely ever fully erect it feels but I might be being a bit hard on myself.

Getting me to orgasm also feels almost like mission impossible and requires a lot of time and effort. Definitely got a delayed ejaculation problem on top of the erection issues.

Definitely still some healing to do. I must still be used to porn or the sensation of my own hand. We'll figure it out.

It feels somehow like even all of this real sexual activity is making me regress after the long bouts of pure no PMO, no MO. Maybe doing it all without orgasm on my part could be the way.

Something which goes way against what I've always heard is the fact that getting her to orgasm is way easier than it is to get me to orgasm.

This next bit might be a bit too much information but whatever.

I must say it feels great to be with a real person I care about and like rather than pictures on a screen and it's great to be learning what real intimacy is about. I try to communicate what feels good and what I like, and to my surprise there are sensitive parts of my body I didn't even know about. Figuring things out together is a world away from porn. That being said, I need to figure out what I actually like and what things I like the idea of just because I've seen it in porn. I guess if she's into it too then there's no real problem. Basically should we be trying to keep it as vanilla as possible and avoid anything that might be coming from my "porn brain" or is anything that we feel like trying fair game because it's all with a real partner? Need to figure out what she likes too. With both of us there's a bit of, "well if you like it and I'm neutral about it, let's give it a go" that kind of thing.

If any of this seems a little obvious or even immature, then that's probably because it is and I'm totally new to what sexual activity with a real partner is like and what is should be like. I'm finally learning.

I mentioned to her that my dick might not be 100% because I used to watch a lot of porn and think that I got used to being stimulated from porn and using my own hand. It did feel great to be able to say that I "used to" watch porn and haven't watched it in almost 5 months. She respected me for not watching anymore.

The great thing is that I have no performance anxiety. She can be there holding a semi-limp dick and I'll just make a joke about "making him listen" or something hahah, it's good and we're both comfortable.

As long as I keep controlling the things I can control, then the dick problems won't bother me too much, I'll assume they'll get better over time.

In other news, after the "honeymoon" few days, I spent all day on my phone playing games today. Hard to get back into being productive.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Urges are definitely up though after the sexual activity. I "want" to look at porn but my body isn't horny; my brain wants the dopamine anyway and needs the "shock" to get me there.

Fuck that. I need to keep coming here and reaffirming my goals each morning. It would be a tragedy to start self-sabotaging at this point.

See you tomorrow morning.

Thank you for your support and encouragement @GBS @ADFECTATIO .
Glad to hear about your relationship. If you do try reducing orgasm for a while, make sure you don’t reduce snuggle time with your girlfriend. If she needs to read some material to understand why making you orgasm too frequently can be a problem, message me.
 

ADFECTATIO

Active Member
Hei cookie,

its great to hear you enjoying your time with the girl. Don't be too hard or overthinking with what to try or not - the best tip I can give you is to just be relaxed about what happens or does not happen. Just enjoy the intimacy. And its great to hear you communicating well with the girl.

It's also quiet normal to be a bit "hung over" after this litte honeymoon :D You will get back on track and with time it will get easier to focus after such intimacy.

You got this!
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Day 137 clean.

Probably going to be a bit of a longer post.

Spent a couple of days with with this girl again. Really enjoyable, nice walks, sexy bath time, quality time.

I'm not a virgin anymore which is cool. Been a long time coming.

Some "reboot progress" things to unpack. This might be a little too much information but I'm going to share it anyway for the sake of perspective and documenting.

Over the past couple of days my dick has been hard and stayed hard when it was "go time". Especially during sexy bath time, I think the warmth and water helped me to relax and facilitate blood flow. Out of the bath my dick worked pretty well too. As in, it was hard on and off for an entire evening. By the end of the night it had definitely had enough but I think that's normal after how much we were fooling around.

I remember blowjobs didn't feel that good (see post from over a year ago which I've included below) but they're starting to feel good and I enjoy them a lot.
  • As much as I was super into the head. It didn't feel as great as I would have imagined. I liked it a lot but it was almost as if I couldn't feel it properly? And in part it felt like I was getting sensory overload? I think I'm too conditioned to my own touch, rhythm and energy when masturbating so when I get this new sensation, with a new rhythm and everything to it, I'm not conditioned to fully appreciate it. I think it's that death grip syndrome from masturbation. I'm just so used to such a tight grip when being stimulated. I kind of despise the fact that years of porn and masturbation has made this the case because I think otherwise from a psychological and physiological standpoint I would fucking love it. Like I didn't even get close to finishing. Hopefully I can get used to it and find what works best by exploring and communicating.

We are learning what I like together and it's working wonders for enjoyment and also for making my dick work. If I start losing my erection we can pull out a few tricks which seem to work reliably. All of this isn't perfect but it just seems to be getting better and better.

I do clearly have a delayed ejaculation problem because even with very long bouts of stimulation I'm not orgasming without death-grip handjobs. She's still a lot easier to get off than I am.

To be honest, I am feeling more like a free man. If I went without orgasm, I think I could live with that. The intimacy in the moment feels good without orgasm and we will be considering spending more intimate time together without orgasm as the objective but just enjoying and bonding.

The penetrative sex was nothing like what I expected. Condoms were an instant erection killer and it was almost impossible to get in. I think we might have both been a little nervous. When we did get it in, I couldn't feel anything, with the condoms on I literally couldn't even tell we had got it in. She wanted to have unprotected sex and but neither of us wants kids right now and I'm not a risk taker as tempted as I was. If we commit to becoming long-term exclusive partners we could get STI checks and use another form of contraception. Something to discuss but not to breeze over in the heat of the moment.

Anyway, sorry for oversharing but I kind of want to document this so that I can identify progress.

Overall, I'm moving in the right direction, it makes me think of a helix. The overall trend is positive (upwards) but there's a bit of turbulence along the way and moving back and forth.

1689291165305.png
I'm enjoying real sexual activity more and more, my dick is working more and more, I'm becoming less focussed on pure sexual gratification and more on enjoying an intimate moment. I feel like I'm developing a healthier sexuality based on human connection and what I enjoy rather than what porn presented as what I should be getting off on. Fixing my brain.

Anyway, let's not mess up the good thing we've got going. No porn, no psubs, no masturbation. No games on phone and limited social media use will be good for me because I've got a lot on my plate I want to get through today.

See you tomorrow.
 

ADFECTATIO

Active Member
I was travelling back home and read your text on the train. Man - I had such a big smile on my face. I am happy for you! Sounds like a really good time you had with that girl.
Congratulations on your rebooting progress.
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Day 138 not very clean.

I MO'd twice when I woke up this morning and then found myself looking at some questionable content on social media.

Not sure why I'm doing this to myself when the benefits of my reboot progress are so concrete and obvious for me given the relationship I have with the girl who I'm dating. But then at the same time the answer is obvious, my brain is addicted and even this far out with lead me to do stupid things if I'm not constantly working against it.

I'm feeling under the weather today which hasn't helped things. I think it's also a bit of a chaser effect after my orgasm with my girlfriend.

Also spent the day playing games on my phone.

Not a day to be proud of.

I didn't feel like coming here and making this post but I'm forcing myself to do it so that I course-correct and stay on track.

Tomorrow is a new day, when I wake up I must avoid going on my phone and instead come here and make some commitments for my day.

I want to stay away from porn and masturbation because it's good for me on so many levels but also so that when I spend time with the girl I'm dating it's not negatively affected.

Not going to be hard on myself, not going to overthink things. Just coming back here, staying in touch with the community.

Today was a bit of turbulence on the general upward trajectory which I've been experiencing.

No reason why I can't keep moving in the right direction if I implement the same game plan which has been helping me to kick so many goals.

See you tomorrow morning. Very tired tonight.

Thanks for the support @Blondie @Androg @ADFECTATIO
 

Androg

Administrator
Admin
Moderator
I suspect the chaser is more of an issue than you think. So don’t beat up on yourself, but do try a gentler approach with your girlfriend for a while, and see if that strengthens your willpower.
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Day 139 clean, but still keeping in mind that small slip up yesterday.

Much better start to the day. I still feel sick but I'm back with a better mindset and back in control, or at least we'll find out as the day progresses!

My goal for today is to not get lost into complete "browser blackout" or "app amnesia" where I lose my day to distraction. It doesn't matter how slow I go moving through my agenda or how many breaks I take, the goal is to not lose the entire day to silly things like social media or games on my phone.

I want today to be a day where I don't look at porn, porn substitutes and don't masturbate.

I'm not feeling particularly inspired today and feel a little overwhelmed by the things on my plate but I recognise the only way I will feel better is if at the end of the day I've moved forwards rather than backwards.

See you all tomorrow. I'll come back here today if I need.

I suspect the chaser is more of an issue than you think. So don’t beat up on yourself, but do try a gentler approach with your girlfriend for a while, and see if that strengthens your willpower.
Yep, I think with my girlfriend we'll avoid having me orgasm and just enjoy things and see how that goes.
 

cookiemonster

Active Member
Day 140 clean. 20 weeks since I looked at porn!

Although recently there have been the two times I mentioned when I lingered on NSFW content on social media. As long as I keep moving forward and consolidate my good habits and move away from those slip-ups, things will keep improving.

Getting back on track. I had a dream that a full-on relapsed last night. Good thing it was just a dream.

Feeling motivated and ready to face all the of the responsibilities on my plate head-on.

Feeling a little less sick too.

No time for porn, psubs, masturbation, social media or games on my phone. I have too many things I want to do and cannot afford the lost time and energy that they steal from me. I'm mindful that they've won out over me in the past but today is a new day and we get to square off once again and there's no reason I can't be the winner today. Let's go!
 
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cookiemonster

Active Member
Day 141 clean? Last night not so clean.

I had a good day yesterday. But I made one fatal mistake of watching YouTube before going to bed and therefore had a device in my room.

I MO'd quite late at night before bed. Then on social media triggered myself and MO'd again. This is becoming a trend and if I'm being honest with myself I have to recognise that I'm letting porn substitutes trickle back in.

I do not have to be discouraged. I have come very far and urges are much easier to control than at the beginning of the reboot. I've been through worse. However, I do have to recognise that I've unwittingly become complacent. I have encountered some success in the reboot and therefore lowered the intensity and level of vigilance I'm maintaining.

I'm going to return to taking things one day at a time.

So tomorrow I want to be here saying I had a squeaky clean day with no porn and no porn substitutes and that I didn't masturbate. The easiest way to do this is to not touch my dick at all except when using the bathroom and to banish all sexual thoughts. It is time to return to magic recipe which has brought me so far.

All I need to do is get through today.

I must place a big focus on going to bed at a reasonable hour and not bringing devices into my room.

I am going to have a productive day and restamp my authority on my life.

Let's see how I go today, I'll update you all tomorrow so that I stay accountable. The stakes are getting high.
 
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