ADFECTATIO
Member
How is your "careful use of social media" streak going? Shall we both start at 0 again?
Road to freedom
- Thread starter cookiemonster
- Start date
cookiemonster
Active Member
Day 142 clean.
I had a productive day yesterday, squeaky clean and managed to have an earlier night. Also feeling less sick today, on the up.
I had a sexual dream last night and woke up with morning wood. The morning wood is a good sign I haven't regressed too much from my little slip ups.
Today is a new day. Another day I can win. Today I want to make the right decision every time I'm faced with two options. Go on social media on my break or just stand and look out the window? As dumb as this may seem, if I can make what I know to be the right decision for me at each "fork in the road", I have a good day.
No porn. No porn subsitutes. No social media on my phone. No games on my phone. No touching my dick unless using the bathroom!
Let's go!
Lot's to achieve today, no reason why it can't happen.
See you tomorrow.
. Yesterday was great though. So today is Day 1!
My rules are: no social media on my phone ever (if I need to do something I can use my laptop), phone is left upstairs away from my desk when working and sleeping.
I had a productive day yesterday, squeaky clean and managed to have an earlier night. Also feeling less sick today, on the up.
I had a sexual dream last night and woke up with morning wood. The morning wood is a good sign I haven't regressed too much from my little slip ups.
Today is a new day. Another day I can win. Today I want to make the right decision every time I'm faced with two options. Go on social media on my break or just stand and look out the window? As dumb as this may seem, if I can make what I know to be the right decision for me at each "fork in the road", I have a good day.
No porn. No porn subsitutes. No social media on my phone. No games on my phone. No touching my dick unless using the bathroom!
Let's go!
Lot's to achieve today, no reason why it can't happen.
See you tomorrow.
Yeah it hasn't been great
. Yesterday was great though. So today is Day 1!My rules are: no social media on my phone ever (if I need to do something I can use my laptop), phone is left upstairs away from my desk when working and sleeping.
cookiemonster
Active Member
Day 143 clean.
Day 2 without compulsive social media and video game use.
Another day! Another opportunity for a win.
Keep away from porn, porn substitutes, masturbation and social media/compulsive phone use.
Let's go.
Day 2 without compulsive social media and video game use.
Another day! Another opportunity for a win.
Keep away from porn, porn substitutes, masturbation and social media/compulsive phone use.
Let's go.
Blondie
Respected Member
Looking good @cookiemonster 
cookiemonster
Active Member
Day 145 clean.
I had sex again, twice. Neither times ended up in orgasm but they went better than the last time, which was also my first time.
I was planning on not orgasming with my girlfriend but we got carried away when messing around doing other things.
Next time we hang out we'll try to be a bit more mindful and enjoy the intimacy in a different way.
Energy is a little low today. I haven't exercised all week because I've been sick and I think it's that.
Might see a chaser effect coming.
Going away for the weekend so should be relatively safe. Having said that, I'll reaffirm my goals of staying away from porn, psubs and masturbation. My currently low energy would normally be a signal to be vigilant so I'll keep that in mind.
I had sex again, twice. Neither times ended up in orgasm but they went better than the last time, which was also my first time.
I was planning on not orgasming with my girlfriend but we got carried away when messing around doing other things.
Next time we hang out we'll try to be a bit more mindful and enjoy the intimacy in a different way.
Energy is a little low today. I haven't exercised all week because I've been sick and I think it's that.
Might see a chaser effect coming.
Going away for the weekend so should be relatively safe. Having said that, I'll reaffirm my goals of staying away from porn, psubs and masturbation. My currently low energy would normally be a signal to be vigilant so I'll keep that in mind.
Hope you feel better soon.
Sounds like you're doing just fine. Just don't put pressure on yourself, and try to keep her from pressuring you. Remember, she, too, has been "trained" by today's hyper sexual environment. She wants to please you, no doubt, but she may only know one way to try: hotter. And that could set you back. Just tell her how attractive you find her, and slow things down if you can.
Sounds like you're doing just fine. Just don't put pressure on yourself, and try to keep her from pressuring you. Remember, she, too, has been "trained" by today's hyper sexual environment. She wants to please you, no doubt, but she may only know one way to try: hotter. And that could set you back. Just tell her how attractive you find her, and slow things down if you can.
cookiemonster
Active Member
Day 147 clean. 21 weeks clean.
Not today! No porn, no porn substitutes, no masturbation.
I've been good with social media and games lately. I have a rule that I can never look at social media on my phone and it's working wonders.
Not today! No porn, no porn substitutes, no masturbation.
I've been good with social media and games lately. I have a rule that I can never look at social media on my phone and it's working wonders.
Yeah I will suggest we tone down the intensity, keep the cuddling and connection and let her know that she's great and attractive but given my situation it might be beneficial for us to slow down and enjoy each other in different ways!
cookiemonster
Active Member
Day 148 clean.
Not sure why but urges were present this morning.
I'm making my way back into the gym after being sick. I'm still not 100% but getting better each day.
I'm really enjoying the hard-line I have on social media use on my phone. Having them app-blocked completely has been good for me and I'm seeing no drawbacks. My phone time is decreasing and I get less distracted throughout the day and I'm more peaceful.
Another day, another opportunity to advance towards my dreams and get some wins on the board.
Porn, porn substitutes and the industries which take my time, attention and drive away from me are the enemy. Urges to use them are there because they've successfully hacked my psychology and now I'm working diligently to put them in their place. No porn, no psubs, no masturbation, no social media on my phone, no video games.
See you tomorrow. I'll come back here if I need today.
Not sure why but urges were present this morning.
I'm making my way back into the gym after being sick. I'm still not 100% but getting better each day.
I'm really enjoying the hard-line I have on social media use on my phone. Having them app-blocked completely has been good for me and I'm seeing no drawbacks. My phone time is decreasing and I get less distracted throughout the day and I'm more peaceful.
Another day, another opportunity to advance towards my dreams and get some wins on the board.
Porn, porn substitutes and the industries which take my time, attention and drive away from me are the enemy. Urges to use them are there because they've successfully hacked my psychology and now I'm working diligently to put them in their place. No porn, no psubs, no masturbation, no social media on my phone, no video games.
See you tomorrow. I'll come back here if I need today.
cookiemonster
Active Member
Having a good day objectively with productivity and all but urges are honestly quite strong.
Also out in public I found I was quite objectifying to the women around me in my mind and tempted to ogle.
I think I might be a little tired, I've been getting up early and the reintroduction of the gym has taken some extra energy.
I'll keep fighting the good fight and see whether this passes.
Also out in public I found I was quite objectifying to the women around me in my mind and tempted to ogle.
I think I might be a little tired, I've been getting up early and the reintroduction of the gym has taken some extra energy.
I'll keep fighting the good fight and see whether this passes.
Ups and downs are normal. Stay the course.
cookiemonster
Active Member
Day 149 not very clean.
I had sexual dreams last night and MO'd upon waking up before I even knew what was going on.
Later this morning I also looked at some questionable content on social media and MO'd again.
Not good, I'll unpack this later.
Since then I've done some exercise and am back on track and in control. I'm going to spend time studying with my girlfriend today.
Two options now, let myself slip and say goodbye the life of freedom I'm building or hold the line, acknowledge that I've come very far, turbulence is to be expected and I'm heading steadily in the right direction.
The mature decision is obvious.
I think I could benefit from a short term goal like going a full week squeaky clean with no porn, no psubs, no MO, no fantasizing etc. Today can be (0/7).
I had sexual dreams last night and MO'd upon waking up before I even knew what was going on.
Later this morning I also looked at some questionable content on social media and MO'd again.
Not good, I'll unpack this later.
Since then I've done some exercise and am back on track and in control. I'm going to spend time studying with my girlfriend today.
Two options now, let myself slip and say goodbye the life of freedom I'm building or hold the line, acknowledge that I've come very far, turbulence is to be expected and I'm heading steadily in the right direction.
The mature decision is obvious.
I think I could benefit from a short term goal like going a full week squeaky clean with no porn, no psubs, no MO, no fantasizing etc. Today can be (0/7).
ADFECTATIO
Member
Hold the line! 
cookiemonster
Active Member
Day 150 clean.
Spent yesterday with my girlfriend studying.
In the evening we got it on and my dick was rock solid for a very very very long time. I definitely have a delayed ejaculation problem but not an inability to get an erection.
I ended up orgasming which is something we're trying to move away from. We discussed it afterwards and we'll settle down.
Despite all of this, urges are up very high.
Porn addiction brain has been reactivated from my slip ups so I need to starve it out.
Fantasising has snuck it's way back in too.
Today was good enough for a (1/7) squeaky clean.
To keep going is the goal.
Spent yesterday with my girlfriend studying.
In the evening we got it on and my dick was rock solid for a very very very long time. I definitely have a delayed ejaculation problem but not an inability to get an erection.
I ended up orgasming which is something we're trying to move away from. We discussed it afterwards and we'll settle down.
Despite all of this, urges are up very high.
Porn addiction brain has been reactivated from my slip ups so I need to starve it out.
Fantasising has snuck it's way back in too.
Today was good enough for a (1/7) squeaky clean.
To keep going is the goal.
Keep learning as you go. You’re doing fine.
cookiemonster
Active Member
Day 0
I relapsed last night and this morning multiple times. Stayed up almost all night playing games on my phone and on social media. Same story for most of the day today.
I'm not proud of myself. I feel a little ashamed. I think you guys know what I'm feeling right now.
I know what I want in my life and I know what I'm capable of - but that street goes both ways, I'm capable of positive days but also days like the one I just had.
I had a look here in my journal and after losing my previous streak I was lost using porn on and off for 7 months before building up another long period away from porn. That's a long time. My clean streak here was almost 5 months, I don't want to now build up a 5-month "dirty streak".
Not all is lost. I've done some damage to the healing I achieved but there's a whole lot more damage I could do if I let things totally slide.
I don't want porn in my life. That is still clear to me. I just lost this time. Fuck.
I guess it's time to build up another streak.
Not really sure what went wrong on this one. Things slipped slowly and then all of a sudden.
For the rest of the day I'm going to be kind to myself, try to maintain positive self-talk and build myself back up for round 2, or whatever round this is.
I'm fighting to regain control of my mind and safeguard it from industries trying to profit from my addictive personality. If that's to be a lifelong fight then I guess that's what has got to be done. It won't be hard forever, only sometimes, I'm expecting the next little period to be a bit harder again and then hopefully a little easier as I build back up.
It's good that I'm back here. A big victory would be to get back on the horse instead of losing the next 7 months to compulsion.
I need to take some of my own advice:
"I've been there multiple times. One thing that I think would have helped me would have been to keep posting on the forum every day. It's harder to keep relapsing when you have to update every day with how things are going. When not posting, it's so easy to relapse back-to-back because it feels like one continual relapse and not multiple.
Sending you support and hope to see you with a Day 1 post soon."
I relapsed last night and this morning multiple times. Stayed up almost all night playing games on my phone and on social media. Same story for most of the day today.
I'm not proud of myself. I feel a little ashamed. I think you guys know what I'm feeling right now.
I know what I want in my life and I know what I'm capable of - but that street goes both ways, I'm capable of positive days but also days like the one I just had.
I had a look here in my journal and after losing my previous streak I was lost using porn on and off for 7 months before building up another long period away from porn. That's a long time. My clean streak here was almost 5 months, I don't want to now build up a 5-month "dirty streak".
Not all is lost. I've done some damage to the healing I achieved but there's a whole lot more damage I could do if I let things totally slide.
I don't want porn in my life. That is still clear to me. I just lost this time. Fuck.
I guess it's time to build up another streak.
Not really sure what went wrong on this one. Things slipped slowly and then all of a sudden.
For the rest of the day I'm going to be kind to myself, try to maintain positive self-talk and build myself back up for round 2, or whatever round this is.
I'm fighting to regain control of my mind and safeguard it from industries trying to profit from my addictive personality. If that's to be a lifelong fight then I guess that's what has got to be done. It won't be hard forever, only sometimes, I'm expecting the next little period to be a bit harder again and then hopefully a little easier as I build back up.
It's good that I'm back here. A big victory would be to get back on the horse instead of losing the next 7 months to compulsion.
I need to take some of my own advice:
"I've been there multiple times. One thing that I think would have helped me would have been to keep posting on the forum every day. It's harder to keep relapsing when you have to update every day with how things are going. When not posting, it's so easy to relapse back-to-back because it feels like one continual relapse and not multiple.
Sending you support and hope to see you with a Day 1 post soon."
Hey man, I'm very sorry to hear about your relapse.
I know that after such a long time clean you must feel very dissapointed.
At the same time, this relapse doesn't magically takes away all the progress behind. Now it is a matter of getting up and continue walking on the road to recovery, and not letting this relapse to be an excuse to quit, or to be indulgent and pitiful.
About your girlfriend, is cool that you are taking things slowly and exploring together. In my experience, the best thing is to be spontaneous and not force things. Not to have any goals when it comes to sex, just trying to have fun together and try to be sweet to esch other.
Good luck, and keep strong, you are not doing so bad
I know that after such a long time clean you must feel very dissapointed.
At the same time, this relapse doesn't magically takes away all the progress behind. Now it is a matter of getting up and continue walking on the road to recovery, and not letting this relapse to be an excuse to quit, or to be indulgent and pitiful.
About your girlfriend, is cool that you are taking things slowly and exploring together. In my experience, the best thing is to be spontaneous and not force things. Not to have any goals when it comes to sex, just trying to have fun together and try to be sweet to esch other.
Good luck, and keep strong, you are not doing so bad
Blondie
Respected Member
Sorry to hear this @cookiemonster. I've been there, as have we all.
The trick now as you said is to stay with it and NOT let this be an excuse to "have fun" and say "fuck it". Your mind will be screaming at you for the next while, trying to get you back to your old ways, don't listen to it! You were clean for a very long time and have done considerable repair to your brain, you don't want to lose that. Relapsing is one thing, losing all your progress is quite another. Learn from me, as a guy who got stuck repeatedly relapsing every 3 to 4 months for a year and a half, it really does a number on your brain. It's very easy to get stuck in that pattern because you can tell yourself that it's way better than doing it every day or whatever, but the fact is, it's more damaging than you think. Sure you're not wasting as much time as the guy going back to it weekly or whatever, however, being that far out you really start to get some healing going on for the first time in your life, and going back to the filth does a number on your system, and in my estimation, just as equally bad. Take my word for it.
Congrats on coming straight here to tell us. That takes balls and a good dose of honesty.
You got this man.
It's up to you and what you really want out of this life.
Best
The trick now as you said is to stay with it and NOT let this be an excuse to "have fun" and say "fuck it". Your mind will be screaming at you for the next while, trying to get you back to your old ways, don't listen to it! You were clean for a very long time and have done considerable repair to your brain, you don't want to lose that. Relapsing is one thing, losing all your progress is quite another. Learn from me, as a guy who got stuck repeatedly relapsing every 3 to 4 months for a year and a half, it really does a number on your brain. It's very easy to get stuck in that pattern because you can tell yourself that it's way better than doing it every day or whatever, but the fact is, it's more damaging than you think. Sure you're not wasting as much time as the guy going back to it weekly or whatever, however, being that far out you really start to get some healing going on for the first time in your life, and going back to the filth does a number on your system, and in my estimation, just as equally bad. Take my word for it.
Congrats on coming straight here to tell us. That takes balls and a good dose of honesty.
You got this man.
It's up to you and what you really want out of this life.
Best
cookiemonster
Active Member
Day 2 clean.
Obviously still very disappointed in myself but not discouraged.
I'm staying positive and determined.
I can be optimistic about getting back on track and saving myself from half a year of being lost. This is a big opportunity to make progress.
Urges are up a little but nothing I haven't been through before.
I'm not going to speak grand words because all there is to do is let time pass and stay clean and keep healing.
There is no doubt in my mind about what kind of life I want and porn has no place in it... ever.
I fucked up but that doesn't take away my clarity and I'm not going to wallow in self pity.
It's not that I don't care about my relapse, I'm kicking myself, but I can't change what I did and I have to move forward.
Thank you for the support everyone.
Obviously still very disappointed in myself but not discouraged.
I'm staying positive and determined.
I can be optimistic about getting back on track and saving myself from half a year of being lost. This is a big opportunity to make progress.
Urges are up a little but nothing I haven't been through before.
I'm not going to speak grand words because all there is to do is let time pass and stay clean and keep healing.
There is no doubt in my mind about what kind of life I want and porn has no place in it... ever.
I fucked up but that doesn't take away my clarity and I'm not going to wallow in self pity.
It's not that I don't care about my relapse, I'm kicking myself, but I can't change what I did and I have to move forward.
Thank you for the support everyone.
swimmer97
Active Member
I have been there many times. This is not a straight road to succuess. Most important thing is to not fall into a binge. This is all about your brain recovery. If you stand up again and stay away from the filth you brain will thank you for it. Stay strong brother. You got this