36, PIED, new plan

16 days. No fantasy, no social media. It's easier not to fantasize at night when I have actual goals and ambitions to think about. I lost sight of some of my 2022 goals for a bit. I am back.
Keep it up!! I haven't gotten to 16 days in a long time - you're doing a great job and I hope to get there soon myself.
 

logicprox

Active Member
17 days. No social media other than some stuff for the band. Had some trouble sleeping and did slip up with a little fantasy, though it was kind of off and on and I never really finished a scene. Will do better, though.
 

logicprox

Active Member
18 days. I went out with some friends and without getting into details I came back feeling a little sexually frustrated. I did look at some SFW stuff and almost MOd but I stopped and went to bed.

It's sort of counterintuitive but since I have urges rather rarely recently I feel like I have actually gotten a little worse at dealing with them, they sort of catch me off guard. I actually think having this one and getting through it was sort of good for me, reminding me that I don't have to follow through. Wish I had gotten the message of that reminder without nearly PMOing but at least glad I stopped, and now feeling more aware of that again.
 

Blondie

Well-Known Member
Nice job logicprox! Yes, getting use to not having urges can be your sudden downfall; it can literally hit you out of nowhere sometimes. Great job pulling through the temptation and out to the other side. This is a good reminder for myself as well.
 

logicprox

Active Member
I am back. You may have guessed from my absence that not everything has gone according to plan. I was embarrassed and ashamed and just needed a second.

I didn't full on relapse, and honestly my brain is still doing pretty well. Meaning, the day to day is still going fine. But I did slip up a couple of times.

On April 15, the night of my last post, I went out to a club with some friends and I had a quite a bit to drink, which I had not done in quite some time. I came home late and went to bed drunk but woke up like an hour later still drunk and feeling horny. Waking up in the middle of the night has historically been my downfall and being drunk on top of it was the straw on the proverbial back and I slipped up. I got horrible sleep the rest of the night and the next day I was exhausted and in my mentally weakened slate I slipped again.

I was back on the horse April 17 and felt great all week until I went out with friends again April 22. I actually didn't have much to drink but I also had barely eaten all day and got drunk rather easily and I slipped up that night when I got home. I was very unhappy about April 15-16, but I had just chalked it up to a one-off from being overly drunk and was confident that I would just continue on and be ok. April 22 scared me and pissed me off.

I absolutely cannot get into a "once a week" habit or a "only when I am drunk habit". For one thing, it seems highly unlikely that that sort of habit would not eventually devolve back into near-daily use over time. But besides that, porn is poison. I don't want anything to do with it. As long as I am sober, I seem to be able to remember that.

What's sort of frustrating here, is that I'm at a point in my recovery (or at least I was leading up to these events) where I think I am ready to rewire with a real woman. That's half the reason I was going out is to try to meet someone, because right now there's not really a woman in my life otherwise, so have to go find someone. I work remotely with people who are almost all in different states, and I don't have a huge social circle given I basically removed myself from my former religious circle right before COVID lockdowns (and my social anxiety doesn't help either). So going out to bars and clubs (and drinking to numb the anxiety...) feels like the only way I am going to meet someone.

I didn't mention it in earlier posts, but since shortly before I slipped up I have actually finally been having morning wood almost every morning again, so I know my brain has been fixing itself. This is why I feel like I am ready to start rewiring. So far these slips haven't stopped that but I absolutely know for a fact that if I continue using they will.

I guess the answer here is that I need to be smarter about my drinking, getting a tiny buzz does not seem to cause me problems but getting drunk does. I just need to figure out a healthier way to deal with my anxiety when I am out.

Anyways. 4 days.
 
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Blondie

Well-Known Member
Hey Logixprox, great to see you back! It's a crazy busy day so I'm heading out, so I'll make this quick.

Don't be too hard on yourself. This is a big learning curve, and you've learned a lot! You are definitely progressing with this.

I'll get back to you soon. Keep pressing on brother.

Great to see you here again.

Blondie
 

logicprox

Active Member
OK. I am resetting everything. I could make a case that my last streak is ongoing, but I am going to be honest with myself. I have relapsed. It doesn't do me any good to pretend otherwise.

I didn't relapse when I woke up in the middle of the night a few weeks ago and MOd to Tik Tok, and I didn't relapse when I got drunk and used. Those were slips. I relapsed when I started making excuses over the last few weeks, and trying to play with the red lines, redefining what it meant to use.

I am done with that.

I should have written this post yesterday, but I just didn't make it here to do it. But that's when I realized all this, after waking up in the night and engaging in some of that using self deception.

I am 1 day in on resetting. I am not just talking about my use counter. I mean I am admitting I have lost my way and need to re-establish getting off porn for good as a priority. I don't need it in my life, it gives me absolutely nothing, and takes away my real life drive. i don't need "real" porn, I don't need soft porn, I don't need to waste time looking at attractive women on social media, and I don't need to fantasize at night. Not only do I not need any of this, but I need to not do these things because they trick my monkey brain into thinking I have things I don't, and lull me into a complacent life.

Social media deleted. Rules re-established. Will be here every morning. Morning routine being re-implemented. Ending my reliance on media on my lunch breaks and going back to reading. Re-reading Easy Peasy.

As of right now I have stopped using porn and there's no reason to start again.
 

Blondie

Well-Known Member
Hey logicprox. I'm sorry to here about your relapse, but I'm very happy to hear about your resolve.

You're right, excuses are the beginnings of a sure fire relapse, it matters not if it happens tomorrow or next month, eventually it will happen if our defensives are down. The only way to end this shit is to jump in the ring and give it all you got - excuses be damned!

I'm glad you're back on board.
 
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