I fucked up ladies and gentlemen. I fucked up. I don't know what happened exactly, or how I got there, but it happened last night and it's the truth. I'm devastated to put it lightly. I've cried more tears than I've ever cried before. Literally just crying on the ground like a child. I'm crying right now as I type this. I can't eat. I don't want to eat. I feel I could throw up just thinking about the disgusting content I watched, and I only watched the "normal" stuff. I can't believe that shit is so easy to get to. I can't believe that shit is "normal". It's everything BUT normal or beautiful, but yet I still viewed it like the junkie I apparently am. I had one shot at this chance last night once the dam had been broached, and I went for it with all my heart. I mean just balls to wall hours on end with dick in hand... I can't believe this is my reality.
Fuck! I don't know how I got here? In my head I haven't been complacent, but obviously that's not true. It's been a brutal month for me emotionally, possibly the hardest month of my life as far as emotions go, and I know I had been tempted here and there, but I didn't think it was going in this direction. I thought I had held out past the rough patch. I thought I was going to be okay. Yesterday, I simply had no fucking clue that I was going to be doing this all night long. Yes. ALL NIGHT LONG. I simply had no plan of doing it. There wasn't a temptation to do it. There was no triggers. Fuck I even wrote something here last night. Fuck! I wrote two things here last night! Jesus Christ! I can't believe this actually happened to me.
I was drinking... I've been drinking way too much recently as a way to "deal" with this emotional stress I've been feeling from my childhood trauma, I know, big fucking mistake, but that's the facts. And unfortunately, it feels like I've just exchanged one bad habit for another, and last night, that new shit habit sent me right back to the old one! The Lady was gone for the night, so I got some wine to kick back and relax, something I always do when she's gone, but even then I had no intention of looking at porn. She even asked me point blank before she left if I was going to be okay with eight days of semen in me, and I said yes, and I meant it. I was not bull shitting her or me. So what the fuck happened? Alcohol and an existential crisis.
I've mentioned when I've had those in my past, they've often been a catalyst of relapse, last night was no exception it seems. When I get into these mindsets, I momentarily lose my sense of values and I don't know where I stand on issues, and I start to over intellectualize everything and start to questioned my own assumptions, and unfortunately what I was reflecting on was sexology and porn. I went down a rabbit hole and started reading up on sexology and where it comes from, and what intellectual movement(s) and people it stems from etc., and the more I read, the more I started to get confused about all this shit and where I stood with it. No one thinks masturbation is wrong. No one thinks porn is bad or unhealthy for you. And even though I know all the other research that says otherwise, and I know that it's wrong for me which is all that matters, it's just mind blowing that it's so accepted in the mainstream and no one gives a fuck. And as I read more and more, plus the over drinking, I got confused and intellectually "angry" at myself for even questioning what I already knew. So yes, I was an intellectual mess, overly drunk, and really horny and alone in the house, thus, I somehow rationalized that it would be okay, and the first step in my [prn ritual began, looking at subs.
It's insane, it's been almost two years since I did this shit, and when you go back to it it's like it was just yesterday. The same rituals, the same habits, the utter focus, the trance-like state, the "uncontrollable" compulsive behavior, all the shame and cursing yourself while you're "enjoying" it all the same. Fuck I hate that shit! It is so goddamned disgusting and returning to it just makes you hate it all the more. This is a very strange relapse for me, on the one hand, I could see the signs brewing over the last month, but I thought I was mostly managing them okay, but on the other hand, it just came out of nowhere, or at least it feels that way at the moment. Usually when I've relapsed in the past, I start lying to my Lady, I would have lied to her last night. I also start looking at pictures before it happens, subs that is, and shit like that, and it grows week by week until I eventually give in. At the moment, I don't sense that really happened, certainly not the lying to my Lady part, which I feel really good about.
I've been terribly hard on myself all day long, and I still feel like utter shit, but I do know that I've done well and that this was the best streak I've ever had, but I just have more to learn on this journey that's all. Many things that use to trip me up don't anymore, however, there's still a few more lessons and skills I need to master to sail through the rough shit and storms life will throw at me from time to time. I must get it into my head that I cannot rely on any substance to relive my pain or stress in this life, I have to learn how to cope with life's difficulties by not running away from them. Alcohol has never really been a problem for me and I've never had a relapse because of it. What is more, when I do drink, in general I don't over drink and it's usually just for fun with the Lady. However, this year, especially this last month, the quantity of my drinking has really increased, and I knew this was not a good thing I but did nothing to correct course, and thus I paid the price for it last night. Being super drunk + being in a weird mental state + being alone = the end of my streak. If I've learned anything from this, it's that no matter how many days you're out, you're really only a click of a mouse away from fucking up. Yeah, if I wasn't taking it seriously before, I will take it seriously now.
All of this makes me so sad, but I know I'm not starting at the beginning again, I know it doesn't work like that. I've been doing this now for over five years, and since that time I've relapsed roughly twenty-five times or so, so that's 1800 days of freedom from porn. I do see this getting better and better and me making progress as the years go by. I also know this journey is more than just my day count, although let's be honest, days show us how we're doing and if we're getting anywhere. Our days give us feedback to help us improve where we still need improving. It looks like I have a little more to learn, but goddam, it kills me inside to know I was so close to that two year mark.
I'm speechless about this matter, I really am. It's like it's almost just a bad dream that I just woke up from, and since I was so drunk last night I hardly even remember it (maybe that's not a bad thing to be honest). I will focus on the good days (and I've have many of them!) and not get too stuck up on this one loss, but fuck, I wish this had not happened!
