Blondie
Respected Member
I have some more thoughts I want to share. I guess after times like this it seems I have a lot on my mind. The fact of the matter is, I think I've been living in a delusion. The delusion being that if I could only get to some arbitrary number out there in the future, in my case, 2 years, I would finally be "free" from this mess and be "clean" and thus, able to ride off into the sunset and live a perfect life, maybe even write a success story. Unfortunately as you all know, that didn't happen, but now I'm wondering if I've had it all wrong from the beginning. The fact of the matter is, twenty-five extra days wouldn't have changed the man I am sitting here today. Twenty-five extra days wouldn't have changed my addicted brain anymore than the situation it currently sits in. Twenty-five extra days wouldn't have changed the values that I hold dear to my heart, no matter if I don't always live up to them perfectly or not. Hell, knowing what I now know about over-drinking, I could have just as easily relapsed celebrating my two years porn free as I did two nights ago. Ain't that a kick in the head!
What am I to make of all of this? What can a man do faced with this reality? I honestly don't know. Part of me feels sad and melancholy, wondering if there really is no moment riding out into the sunset with a grand smile on your face. Riding out into the wilderness knowing the bad guy is completely behind you once and for all six feet under. Can't I get those tears of joy instead of tears of sorrow? Can't I get that moment in the sun? Don't I deserve it? Don't you all? Don't we all? But I'm beginning to wonder if maybe the Sunset is right now, today, happening right in this moment, and not some fantasy sunset out there in some fantasy future. The future is today and what we do with it, and not some arbitrary number picked by the gods 2000 years ago. Now don't get me wrong, numbers are important, and I will get there again I have no doubt, but I do wonder if I've been searching for something constantly without, instead of looking within.
Maybe I'll always live with the possibility that it could always be a possibility, and maybe I need to become okay with that. Maybe that's how it goes with things of this nature. You get your sunset but a chance of bad weather too, with brooding clouds off in the distance for good measure. But at least it will be hail on the forecast and NOT hell. I've been to hell folks, and I'll take the former any day over the latter. Who knows, maybe three years clean would be different than almost two years clean, but I won't know until I get there. But I guess what I saying is this, none of us will ever get there acting like we're not successes until we do. Maybe my sunset was the day I decided to quit this habit once and for all five years ago. I still remember that day like it happened yesterday. I had just done it again, and for whatever reason, I just said enough of this shit and that was that. That day I knew I was over it. That day I knew I was done forever. And as I walked to work that day the sun never shone so brightly on my face. The sun never shone so pure and lucent. It was a radiant day. It was a new day. It was a new dawn. That day I rode off into my sunset.
Love you all
Blondie

What am I to make of all of this? What can a man do faced with this reality? I honestly don't know. Part of me feels sad and melancholy, wondering if there really is no moment riding out into the sunset with a grand smile on your face. Riding out into the wilderness knowing the bad guy is completely behind you once and for all six feet under. Can't I get those tears of joy instead of tears of sorrow? Can't I get that moment in the sun? Don't I deserve it? Don't you all? Don't we all? But I'm beginning to wonder if maybe the Sunset is right now, today, happening right in this moment, and not some fantasy sunset out there in some fantasy future. The future is today and what we do with it, and not some arbitrary number picked by the gods 2000 years ago. Now don't get me wrong, numbers are important, and I will get there again I have no doubt, but I do wonder if I've been searching for something constantly without, instead of looking within.
Maybe I'll always live with the possibility that it could always be a possibility, and maybe I need to become okay with that. Maybe that's how it goes with things of this nature. You get your sunset but a chance of bad weather too, with brooding clouds off in the distance for good measure. But at least it will be hail on the forecast and NOT hell. I've been to hell folks, and I'll take the former any day over the latter. Who knows, maybe three years clean would be different than almost two years clean, but I won't know until I get there. But I guess what I saying is this, none of us will ever get there acting like we're not successes until we do. Maybe my sunset was the day I decided to quit this habit once and for all five years ago. I still remember that day like it happened yesterday. I had just done it again, and for whatever reason, I just said enough of this shit and that was that. That day I knew I was over it. That day I knew I was done forever. And as I walked to work that day the sun never shone so brightly on my face. The sun never shone so pure and lucent. It was a radiant day. It was a new day. It was a new dawn. That day I rode off into my sunset.
Love you all
Blondie

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