Porn is not an option

[Blondie]

Nice! Remember. The bad days make the good days feel so much better.

"Nothing is harder to bear than a series of good days" -> there is actually some truth in this famous quote.

Thanks @swimmer97, that is a great quote. I can definitely attest to that.

What helped me is thinking less about myself and my struggles during the day. Most of us think 23hours a day about ourselfs. 99% are useless worries and thoughts.

Instead, thinking more about others and trying to help others is surprisingly also in the end better for ourselfs. I think thats what you are already doing since you help out many people here.

Yeah man this is something I struggle with sometimes, but whenever I do get out of my head, life gets much better.

Always something to work on!

Best to you.

Day 509

Well I blew it last night during sex. I thought I could handle it, but I succumbed lol. I would be lying if I didn't say I felt bad about this, but it is what it is, nothing I can do about it, it's not like you can put it back in your balls or something. On the plus side, most of the times I've blown it when trying to refrain from orgasming, I knew it was coming, but I pushed too close; however, last night, I really thought I was fine and was not going to do it, but lost it nevertheless in the heat of the moment. I'm definitely a young Padawan when it comes to these maters, I think I forgot to breath and relax, basic 101 stuff, the Force is definitely not with me. Obviously porn is all that really matters here, but I thought I could at least get to day 30. The orgasm gods must be laughing their asses off.

I also slept like shit, and woke up early so there's that. This nonsense has been going on for a week now. I feel like crying but I'm too exhausted to cry.

I'm really annoyed, pissed, fucking tired (and now drained!) and yet I need to study this weekend for mid terms.

You all have a good porn-free weekend, I sure as hell won't be looking at that shit.

Fuck porn

 

[Androg]

Sometimes a reset is just what the doctor ordered. I also think it's important to disperse your arousal throughout your body, so it doesn't cause discomfort.

 

[swimmer97]

Thanks @swimmer97, that is a great quote. I can definitely attest to that.

Yeah man this is something I struggle with sometimes, but whenever I do get out of my head, life gets much better.

Always something to work on!

Best to you.

Day 509

Well I blew it last night during sex. I thought I could handle it, but I succumbed lol. I would be lying if I didn't say I felt bad about this, but it is what it is, nothing I can do about it, it's not like you can put it back in your balls or something. On the plus side, most of the times I've blown it when trying to refrain from orgasming, I knew it was coming, but I pushed too close; however, last night, I really thought I was fine and was not going to do it, but lost it nevertheless in the heat of the moment. I'm definitely a young Padawan when it comes to these maters, I think I forgot to breath and relax, basic 101 stuff, the Force is definitely not with me. Obviously porn is all that really matters here, but I thought I could at least get to day 30. The orgasm gods must be laughing their asses off.

I also slept like shit, and woke up early so there's that. This nonsense has been going on for a week now. I feel like crying but I'm too exhausted to cry.

I'm really annoyed, pissed, fucking tired (and now drained!) and yet I need to study this weekend for mid terms.

You all have a good porn-free weekend, I sure as hell won't be looking at that shit.

Fuck porn

Mate you made it to 26 days so nearly 30 without O while having sex and that on the first try. That's pretty good. Try again brother im sure these 26days already made something in your brain.

Lets keep goin

 

[GBS]

You didn’t let anyone down by cumming inside your girlfriend….OF COURSE YOU DIDN’T.

We’re just proud to be your friends . keep going champion.

 

[Blondie]

17 months porn free

Thanks everyone @Androg, @swimmer97 and @GBS. You're right, it is what it is.

I'm still feeling like shit, I woke up at 3 last night and just set there for three hours before getting up. I tried some meditation and to focus on my breathing etc., but to no avail, I could not get back to sleep.

I studied yesterday as much as I could while being utterly tired, and it looks like I'm going to be in the same situation today.

Life's kicking me in the ass right now.

 

[Nico]

Sorry you are going through a rough patch mate, but it will pass. It is so easy to see everything negatively and forget the positives when you feel tired and down. Sometimes it is better to relax and do something nice for yourself than pushing harder, or take the time to focus on gratitude etc? If meditation isn't flowing, I like hypnosis - I bet there's a few gratitude hypnosis or exam stress ones out there.

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about the sex, as that is what your goal has been right? Don't let achieving a goal be turned into failure by your head! Funny story - when I first learned circulation, i practised it a lot, and thought I had it down. I was talking to this woman about it and feeling really confident..eager to apply it to sex, but when we went to bed i literally blew my load immediately! Luckily we ended up laughing about it as I felt pretty embarrassed and humbled. It is a lot harder to do with a partner but you will get there and hopefully so will I.

Hope the rest of your day is easier my friend

 

[Blondie]

Thanks @Nico, that made me feel better. I'm going to go to a coffee shop and try to relax a bit before I start studying.

I love your story by the way!

 

[AJ7]

17 months porn free

Thanks everyone @Androg, @swimmer97 and @GBS. You're right, it is what it is.

I'm still feeling like shit, I woke up at 3 last night and just set there for three hours before getting up. I tried some meditation and to focus on my breathing etc., but to no avail, I could not get back to sleep.

I studied yesterday as much as I could while being utterly tired, and it looks like I'm going to be in the same situation today.

Life's kicking me in the ass right now.

Congrats on 17 months! @Blondie sorry to hear about the shitty few days you’ve been having. We’re here for you man

 

[Androg]

It will pass as your brain returns to balance.

 

[Blondie]

Hey @Androg, do you really think these sleepless nights are coming from my brain still healing from porn? I've thought about that, but since I'm so far out (almost a year a half), I figured that was probably not the case and it was related to something different, maybe some underlying worries and anxieties etc. I've always felt my case was a pretty standard one, right in the middle of extremes as far as my recovery is going, but now you make me wonder. I've never had problems like this before until the last year and half. Not even the days before I broke up with my ex fiancé years ago did i have such sleepless nights. I guess my case is kind of particular in that I had a really long streak years ago, then just had relapses every three months or so afterwards. Now, I'm almost past that first long streak again, thus, I've never really given my brain a long time to completely heal itself. If this is true, my god, what a fucking nightmare porn is.

Things to think about...

Thanks as always.

Addendum: Just thinking about this now. The first time this happened to me was right before my last relapse, at that time, I was almost four months clean (Something I hadn't accomplished in the previous year and a half). Ironically, right after recovering from those sleepless nights I blew it, because why not? Then the next time this happened to me was just a little after four months during this current streak (I have a post last February saying it lasted a week). Now here I am about to pass another gigantic marker in my recovery (my longest streak ever) and it happens again.

Perhaps my brain throws a temper tantrum right before I'm about to accomplish a new marker on my recovery?

 

[GBS]

My dear friend. One thing you taught me is that this brain fuck is unpredictable and keeps fighting back. Flatline in month 3 is not the same as super flatline in month 5. Then when you think you have it licked in month 10 you feel like shit all of a sudden.

We all marmalised our brains. You fucked yours in a different way to what I did to mine. But we really fucked them. You’re pushing against your boundary and either through psychosomatic reasons or just good old fashioned brain battle, you’re suffering. I want to take it away from you. I would rather suffer it myself than have you take it. It’s not fair. But you know that’s what it is. 517 is your number…..except it isn’t. Your number is so large…..you ain’t getting to it.

Be strong. Fight the fucker off.

 

[Androg]

I meant "returns to balance after your most recent climax." Sorry for the confusion. Climax itself causes lingering neurochemical ripples, as you've probably noticed.

 

[Blondie]

Day 511

Thank you @GBS, your comment really helped me out yesterday.

We all marmalised our brains. You fucked yours in a different way to what I did to mine. But we really fucked them.

Indeed, I've never been one to half ass shit, even when it's bad for me. If you're going to fuck yourself up, never take any half measures. I guess I'm still figuring out how far the rabbit hole goes with this stuff. It's pretty scary when you think about it.

You’re pushing against your boundary and either through psychosomatic reasons or just good old fashioned brain battle, you’re suffering.

Yeah, that is true. Whatever it is, it's putting up a fight.

I want to take it away from you. I would rather suffer it myself than have you take it.

I would do the same for you sir. Brothers in arms we are.

Best

I meant "returns to balance after your most recent climax." Sorry for the confusion. Climax itself causes lingering neurochemical ripples, as you've probably noticed.

Hey @Androg no problem. I do think this is something along the lines I was thinking of yesterday though, it just seems to make sense to me. I mean, if I'm still seeing improvements with my dick, my thoughts towards women, and other mental improvements (which is all brain related) why wouldn't the brain put up one last fight around now?

My bitch brain


Thanks again!

I slept better last night so that's good. I'm still tired as fuck and look like I just crawled out of the gutter, but I'm still standing, which is all that matters to me.

Just one more week and I'll be the furthest I've ever been since I started this bullshit all those years ago. It's really hard to believe but it's practically here. I'm not going to lie, I'll probably cry tears of joy when I get to that day. I just hope I'm physically able to, a little more sleep would help me out in the department.

Best all.

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Just saw all this -- Blondie, you didn't let anyone down here! You didn't succumb to porn, which is the #1 thing that matters. I know you had a goal of no O for some time as well, but O during sex is quite literally the goal with a hard erection. We're here for you my man!

 

[Blondie]

Thanks @First_step_thousand_miles.

Keep killing it!

 

[Blondie]

Those who know others are intelligent;
those who know themselves are truly wise.
Those who master others are strong;
those who master themselves have true power.

Those who know they have enough are truly wealthy.

Those who persist will reach their goal.

Those who keep their course have a strong will.
Those who embrace death will not perish,
but have life everlasting. - Tao Te Ching

 

[Blondie]

Day 512

A person of great virtue is like the flowing water.
Water benefits all things and contends not with them.
It puts itself in a place that no one wishes to be and thus is closest to Tao.
A virtuous person is like water which adapts itself to the perfect place.
His mind is like the deep water that is calm and peaceful.
His heart is kind like water that benefits all.
His words are sincere like the constant flow of water.
His governing is natural without desire which is like the softness of water that penetrates through hard rocks.
His work is of talent like the free flow of water.
His movement is of right timing like water that flows smoothly.
A virtuous person never forces his way and hence will not make faults.

I've been rereading the Tao Te Ching again. It's something I've read ten years ago and got a lot out of it; however, ten more years of life makes me understand it all the more. Nevertheless, what's great about the Tao To Ching, is that no one has ever really "understood" it, it's like a great work of art, reflecting something different to each and every person. It's also full of many contradictions, just like the journey of getting over porn. One of the better analogies is that one should be like water. I read this chapter yesterday and it really touched me, because this last week with almost no sleep, has been a reel pain in the ass for me, and it's definitely NOT how "I wanted" the last week to my longest streak to be. I wanted to be killing it at the gym, killing it at life, getting A's in school etc., instead, I've been barely able to function much less go to the gym, and when I do study, I just stare at the book for hours at a time, like a corpse waiting its turn over the river Styx. What I'm trying to say is that I've been fighting this situation for a whole week now, instead of just relaxing and letting it be. I've been "trying" to get sleep, and thus, becoming very pissed and frustrated when I have not accomplished that goal. Fighting. Fighting. Always Fighting.

A virtuous person is like water which adapts itself to the perfect place.

I love this and it is completely true. There is a difference between giving up and letting it be. And where is that perfect place?

Well, the Tao says it in the verse before,

It (water) puts itself in a place that no one wishes to be and thus is closest to Tao (the way).

Fighting to get over your porn addiction is a noble thing and should be done with your utmost attention and perseverance.

Fighting to get your relationship back together again after your actions have utterly destroyed it, is also a good and noble thing.

Fighting for any goal, bodily health, school, career, is a good and noble thing.

But life is not a rock you can drill your way through, certainly not your relationships, nor even your relationship to porn. Sometimes fighting is not the answer, but just being is. The opposite of fighting is to retreat and run from the enemy. But being is NOT running from the enemy. Being is to have no enemies.

What would water do if it can't go through a rock? Would it put up a fight and get frustrated and fight harder? Or would it simply go around the obstruction and continue on its way?

If you haven't had success yet with completely getting over porn, or, have not been able to get a good streak in a good while. Ask yourself this. Have you been fighting too much?

Has your wife or partner not reached out to you as you've wished it to be, ask yourself this. Have you been fighting to "fix it" too much?

Water never retreats, but it also never fights. It just is.

Let us be like water, even sleepy water!

A virtuous person never forces his way and hence will not make faults.

 

[Androg]

You Blondie always seem to embody the Tao in my humble opinion.

 

[Blondie]

Day 513

Thanks @Androg! I don't know about that lol. If I'm a Padawan with my dick, I'm most definitely a toddler with my Tao mind!

I've been sleeping a little better the last few nights, so that's encouraging. I'm still tired, but feeling much better and yesterday I could actually study and was somewhat 'normal' again. I tell you what, it's amazing what you don't appreciate until it's gone. Even just a little extra sleep makes me grateful.

Trying to incorporate that Taoism into my life these last few days has really helped.

Yesterday I was riding home in the bus from school, and it just hit me, everything will be alright. All my fears, tears, going back to school, hard work, and trying to get back to this number over the last few years, has all helped me become the person I want to be. So I just set there with my headphones on, smiling like a crazy person in the back seat, laughing at the world and myself all the same. Forty years and here I am.

We're all in prisons of our own making. Spending our lives searching for the key to unlock the cell door to our freedom. Little do we know, the key has always been in our pocket all this time, just waiting to be found.

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

I love this man! I'm experiencing more of those moments lately where you just get happy at some pretty small things, and really appreciate life and all its ups / downs. You will make it my man, go and be happy!