The Importance Of Having a Value System
Just a heads up, I am in no way condemning anyone's religion or value system. These are just the honest thoughts from a man on the internet.
Although I had looked at porn on and off since I was thirteen years old, it was in my late twenties when I really started to get addicted to it. Up until that point I had been a very conservative Christian with very strong views on abstaining from sex before marriage etc. I had even gone through two long-term relationships throughout my twenties without having sex, thus, still a virgin at thirty. Thus, these "morals" kept me back from completely diving headfirst into my porn use, because I always thought it was wrong and a sin. However, as I slowly lost faith in the Bible, I eventually tossed out all of those values that seemed "out of date" and moved on to "better" and more "enlightened" ones. Coincidentally at this same time, high-speed internet become mainstream in my neck of the woods, and from there on out I was hooked and never spent a moment's thought thinking it was wrong or a sin in anyway. The pursuit of happiness was my motto and Libertarianism my political philosophy.
What is more, at this time I become very narcissistic and began to question anything or any value that I use to hold dear. I often thought thoughts such as, is it even wrong to cheat on a partner? Who's to say this is wrong if there is no higher authority? Thus, I was a man adrift on a sea of differing and conflicting views of the world and morality in general. I mistakenly thought that if Christianity said something was wrong, the opposite must be the answer. Thus, like a wayward son who runs away from his father and vows to never be his old man, and to live his life doing everything opposite of what his father would have done, I did the same "running away" from Christianity. Ironically, just as the wayward son in regards to his father's values, the "old man" upstairs was still in charge of my as well. I saw the world in black and white and a value system outside of Christianity I knew not. Thus, I was a non-card carrying Satanist, living in the duality of the same worldview of my childhood. An intellectual lightweight if there ever was one.
To add to all this confusion and "happiness" there was and is my own personality, which one might rightly call a disposition to naturally deconstruct the world around me. Thus, there is nothing sacred to me that I will not question and dismantle, no matter if it brings tears to those around me or even myself. The search for Truth was and always has been my religion and my sacred duty to the world. Why, is the sacred chant in my holy temple. However, this natural disposition of mine has created many existential crises in my life, because, just when I might have been on the cusp of finally believing in something again, be it a religion or political philosophy, all of a sudden, I would find a new piece of "vital" information, and the walls of an "absolute truth" would come crumbling down around me, leaving me once again in mental shambles of my own making. Thus, it was time for a drink and another round of pocket pool, because who's to say I'm fucking wrong? I would be lying if I didn't admit I envy those who seem to believe whatever they "believe" in, and just seem to go about their lives so sure of it. Who are these people? And can I have what they're taking? Be it Leftists, Christians, the religion of "Democracy", Hindus, or Atheists, I am a man who walks among them, but I am not a part of their tribe, nor their absolute values.
It goes without saying, many of my problems with quitting porn come from this harsh reality. If porn isn't really a bad thing or a "sin" per se, how does one convince himself to quit once and for all, especially when his addicted mind will use that against him when he's feeling down or blue? Many of my relapses have been right after I've spent months reading about Catholicism, Protestantism, Hinduism etc., and then, just when I was about to "believe" I discovered it was all shit, or at least 20% shit, thus, another round of Nietzsche and Pornhub for good measure. Drinks are on me everyone!
I am man searching for the absolute, in a world full of relativity. "Feelings" and "experiences", and my favorite of all time, someone's "personal truth" are the beginnings of the end for me, the Alpha and the Omega. I don't have a problem with god per se, I have a problem with The God, and everyone's experiences that supposedly "prove" it.
However, one day about five years ago, I came upon something that blew my mind, and it was so simple in its simplicity I had to try it. It was the philosophy called Porn is not an Option. Now there was a "commandment" I could believe in. Not in some abstract way that could never be proven, but by cold hard facts and realities that I had experienced all too well in my own life.
At that time I was struggling with many things...
I was working a job I hated
I was pissed at life and despised my childhood which I daily tried to forget
I wanted to go back to school but I was in debt and had no faith in a good future for myself
I needed to study to get back into school because I had no past education to lean on
My mind was daily controlled by lust and often thought about cheating on my girlfriend
How could I focus when everything I saw was pussy and ass?
All of these things and more I knew would end if only I stopped looking at porn. Thus, five years ago I decided to believe in something "higher" than myself, and to aim for something higher than the gutter of a worthless pleasurable existence. At that time I couldn't prove to anyone else that porn shouldn't be an option, but I knew for myself that I had found an "absolute", a commandant that had come down from my own Mt. Sinai. And although it's true I've thrown down those tablets (tablet?) a few times over the course of these last five years, each time afterwards I've gone back up the holy mountain to inscribe them once again on my heart. What is more, with each passing time, they've become deeper and deeper etched into my soul.
I'm not a religious man, nor do I care to argue which one religion is the one "truth", no, these things do not concern me. What I do know is that in the heart of man lies a need for an absolute, a something to believe in and fight for. Look at the world today, even at the "non-religious" and you will find people "fighting" for their political beliefs, their "secular" religion, just as vehemently as a "dumb" peasant would in medieval Europe. We are told daily the world is increasingly becoming less and less religious, but I would argue, we've never been more so. Man needs religion like he needs bread. Those who argue the most for separation of church and state are being disingenuous. It is NOT separation that they desire, but their OWN religion and values in its stead. Be it leftism, Communism or Capitalism and the "pursuit of happiness", man needs something to believe in. Thus, I have learned in my battle over porn, I MUST treat it as an absolute, a holy war if you will. Not The Holy War, but a holy war all the same, just as important and just as life threatening.
Porn is not an option.
Do you believe it?