Porn is not an option

[jberg]

Day 34 Do we truly want to quit, or are we only pretending to?

@Blondie, Your signature comment has sparked some much-needed self-reflection for me--thanks for posing this question.
I think the answer for me right now is no, I don't truly want to quit. I want to be able to act out with PMO and I don't know if I will ever not want to. However, there is another part of me that wants to pass beyond the narrow retreats of my own mind, and advance into the vast immensity of reality where I find my "true self." This part of me has a deep longing for a true connection to my wife, my children, my parents, friends and others. So I want to strike a compromise and try to use PMO on my terms. That is I want to be able to press the pause button on reality for 30 minutes by washing my brain with an endorphin/dopamine flush, and then go back to reality with no side effects. However, years of trying this (by me and countless others) has proven that this is simply not possible. My actions and my thoughts do affect my reality. There is no pause button. My actions and thoughts are my reality. So for now, I'm choosing to stay in reality/truth. And as my neuropathways are getting slowly rewired to conform with this reality that is fraught with untold pain as well as deeply satisfying joy, that desire to escape for just 30 minutes seems to be getting weaker. Will it ever go away completely? Others on this forum may be able to answer that question.

 

[Blondie]

@Blondie, Your signature comment has sparked some much-needed self-reflection for me--thanks for posing this question.

Hey @jberg, thanks for stopping by. I'm glad my signature could help stir up some self-reflection in you, I sure as hell know it does for me, thus why I wrote it! Funny enough, I've been thinking about this tagline quite a bit these last few days.

I think the answer for me right now is no, I don't truly want to quit. I want to be able to act out with PMO and I don't know if I will ever not want to.

I like your candor here, it's much appreciated.

To me, this is the big question, the big gotcha moment of recovery, that is, are we here in this community to make ourselves feel good, to check off the boxes by constantly telling ourselves we want to quit no matter our excuses, or, are we here to actually quit and to do whatever it takes to get to the finish line, no exceptions allowed? When I relapsed a few months back after being almost two years clean, besides being utterly heartbroken, this question became very pertinent to me again, because, once you go back, those sirens start calling your name once more, and it's hard to turn away, at least at first. However, it's only "hard" if you haven't made that initial decision to never look at porn again, everything else after that decision is pretty easy all things considered. Nevertheless, there I was, sitting on the fence, "contemplating" should I or should I not, and sure enough, should I or should I not always leads back to I shall, and thus you find yourself back to square one again "wondering" what the hell just happened? However, as soon as I made the decision that Porn Not an Option again, well, "the fight" had alreadly lessened by at least half, because there's no sitting on the fence now, there's no wondering if you should or not, because that's what Porn is Not an Option means. It literally means this, just like you wouldn't have sex with your "hot" cousin, no matter how much she was you "type" or how horny you were in the moment etc., well, porn now is in the same category, it is simply NOT on option or outlet for your sexuality, no matter how enticing it might be if she's "coming on to you".

Now, to get to that point though, that is, to actually want to make that initial decision, is something no man can make another man do, it has to be on their own.

My actions and thoughts are my reality. So for now, I'm choosing to stay in reality/truth. And as my neuropathways are getting slowly rewired to conform with this reality that is fraught with untold pain as well as deeply satisfying joy, that desire to escape for just 30 minutes seems to be getting weaker. Will it ever go away completely? Others on this forum may be able to answer that question.

Good luck brother. It looks like your brain is alreadly healing from this insane filth that we call "normal".

Keep going, I can literally say form experience, it only gets better and better!

Best

 

[Blondie]

Day 35!

Maa Mann.

Thanks @Ezel.

 

[jberg]

are we here to actually quit and to do whatever it takes to get to the finish line, no exceptions allowed?

I like this. This looks like a good question to ask myself when tempted! Thank you!

 

[Blondie]

Day 36

I like this. This looks like a good question to ask myself when tempted! Thank you!

I'm glad I could help @jberg. If I've written anything of worth on this forum it was only because I needed to hear it myself.

Best brother.

Alright, a few more days to the big 40! I'll be on my guard today. I've been "sad" the last few days about the big relapse and have felt a little down about it. It's definitely better than it was (say at day 5) but sometimes it still hits me out of nowhere when I compare where I was to where I am now, thus, I need to be extra careful that I stay vigilant. The further I get away from this mess, the better I'll feel.

There's only one way up this mountain, and there's no shortcuts to get there.

You all have a good porn-free day.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Day 36


I'm glad I could help @jberg. If I've written anything of worth on this forum it was only because I needed to hear it myself.

Best brother.

Alright, a few more days to the big 40! I'll be on my guard today. I've been "sad" the last few days about the big relapse and have felt a little down about it. It's definitely better than it was (say at day 5) but sometimes it still hits me out of nowhere when I compare where I was to where I am now, thus, I need to be extra careful that I stay vigilant. The further I get away from this mess, the better I'll feel.

There's only one way up this mountain, and there's no shortcuts to get there.

You all have a good porn-free day.

Don't worry bro you got this. Almost 40 days is a long enough time so you can give yourself the permission to not be annoyed anymore about the relapses. You're building something good here. Keep in mind how you got 2 years porn free and you got this. Maybe there is (I remember there was) some stress going on in your life and forgive me if this might sound too harsh but nothing is an excuse to justify self-medication. You gotta keep grinding bro. Peace.

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Also, good discussion about "are we actually really doing this or just pretending to" idea. I believe this is very important to keep in mind. Probably some of us joined Reboot Nation because we felt like we were not alone in this anymore, we found a group of people who could understand us and our problems and we could open up (to whatever extent anybody is comfortable with) about what's going on with us and our addiction. But there comes a point where (and this is my case) this could turn into years of being here and declaring relapses and little progress. So yes, are we actually doing this for real? There is a fine line between mental masturbation and actual grinding. It's that point where you tell yourself you are going to do it but never actually start or only half-ass this. I don't think anybody can escape something as difficult as porn addiction without pain, suffering, grinding, been "obsessed" with it, obsessed is not a good word but you got the idea, the idea is to become that guy never give up, never find any little bit of reason to not go all the way, like a movie, like watching a movie where whatever happens that fuckin guy doesn't want to taste that heroin again. You need to be that driven, like Tyson Fury who dreamed of beaten Wladimir Klitschko since he was a kid, he put the image of Wladimir in front of him and didn't stop until he was there in the ring with him and knew what he had to do, yes "knew", we know what we have to do, we've been studying and learning for years, we are right there now in the ring to do it. And then you can actually do it, and not just pretend. Amen brothers.

 

[Blondie]

Day 37

Don't worry bro you got this. Almost 40 days is a long enough time so you can give yourself the permission to not be annoyed anymore about the relapses. You're building something good here. Keep in mind how you got 2 years porn free and you got this. Maybe there is (I remember there was) some stress going on in your life and forgive me if this might sound too harsh but nothing is an excuse to justify self-medication. You gotta keep grinding bro. Peace.

Thanks @Escapeandnevercomeback, I loved reading this yesterday. You're right, I'm good to go and porn is almost 40 days behind me. And no matter how stressful life can get, it's not worth going back to porn.

Also, good discussion about "are we actually really doing this or just pretending to" idea. I believe this is very important to keep in mind. Probably some of us joined Reboot Nation because we felt like we were not alone in this anymore, we found a group of people who could understand us and our problems and we could open up (to whatever extent anybody is comfortable with) about what's going on with us and our addiction.

This is a great contribution to the discussion. I absolutely agree with you. It's great to have a place to talk about all the same struggles with like-minded individuals and find a community that cares and empathizes with you. But yes, eventually, it can become as you say, mental masturbation, where you know everything and have read everything, but still have not accomplished what you initially set out to do, that is, quit porn once and for all, like Gabe, Noah and others.

This reminds me of something else I've been "struggling" with for most of my life, money management. I've never been good with my money, no matter how little or much of it I had, it's just a habit I've never learned successively as an adult. However, I can't tell you how many books I've read concerning money management, books about keeping budgets, working on your financial goals, savings etc. Fuck, I could probably write my own New York Times best seller if I wished to, and everyone would think I knew what I was talking about, unless they actually looked at my financial statements, where assets and numbers never lie, just like numbers and days in porn recovery never lie. If there was a written test for money management, I'd get a fucking A no doubt about it, but if they actually graded me on my financial results in real life, in real time, they would flunk me and kick my ass out of business school because I'm a totally disaster financially. Not being good with your money isn't necessarily a reflection of your character and morals, just like porn addiction doesn't necessarily say anything about you as a person, good or bad, however, numbers don't lie. Period.

Thus, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter which money management philosophy you go with, Dave Ramsey, Warren Buffet, The EasyPeasy method, or anyone else for that matter, all that matters is that you grind it out, and work on your self control and discipline, so you don't spend more money than you make. I look at porn recovery the same way. Are we here to grind it out and invest in ourselves and our life savings accounts (our ephemeral time here on this earth) or are we only reading books and arguing over which philosophy is best, but at the end of the day, we have little or no savings in our accounts to show for our "reading"? Just as with money management and going to a financial expert, this isn't about, shame, love or forgiveness, it's just about asking the pertinent question, are you getting real world results or not? And if not, why not?

I don't think anybody can escape something as difficult as porn addiction without pain, suffering, grinding, been "obsessed" with it, obsessed is not a good word but you got the idea, the idea is to become that guy never give up, never find any little bit of reason to not go all the way, like a movie, like watching a movie where whatever happens that fuckin guy doesn't want to taste that heroin again. You need to be that driven, like Tyson Fury who dreamed of beaten Wladimir Klitschko since he was a kid, he put the image of Wladimir in front of him and didn't stop until he was there in the ring with him and knew what he had to do, yes "knew", we know what we have to do, we've been studying and learning for years, we are right there now in the ring to do it. And then you can actually do it, and not just pretend. Amen brothers.

Fuck yeah. I totally agree. I think we all have to do this, in fact, it is utterly our duty to be obsessed with getting over this once and for all, just like winning against your mortal enemy. Go all in or go home! So the question is, what are you going to do to win? What are we all going to do to win? What does it look like to go all in? What does it take to win this once and for all?

Best brother

 

[swimmer97]

Day 37

GZ on already 37 days. Keep doing what you do brother!

 

[Blondie]

GZ on already 37 days. Keep doing what you do brother!

Thanks brother!

 

[Escapeandnevercomeback]

Day 37

Thanks @Escapeandnevercomeback, I loved reading this yesterday. You're right, I'm good to go and porn is almost 40 days behind me. And no matter how stressful life can get, it's not worth going back to porn.

This is a great contribution to the discussion. I absolutely agree with you. It's great to have a place to talk about all the same struggles with like-minded individuals and find a community that cares and empathizes with you. But yes, eventually, it can become as you say, mental masturbation, where you know everything and have read everything, but still have not accomplished what you initially set out to do, that is, quit porn once and for all, like Gabe, Noah and others.

This reminds me of something else I've been "struggling" with for most of my life, money management. I've never been good with my money, no matter how little or much of it I had, it's just a habit I've never learned successively as an adult. However, I can't tell you how many books I've read concerning money management, books about keeping budgets, working on your financial goals, savings etc. Fuck, I could probably write my own New York Times best seller if I wished to, and everyone would think I knew what I was talking about, unless they actually looked at my financial statements, where assets and numbers never lie, just like numbers and days in porn recovery never lie. If there was a written test for money management, I'd get a fucking A no doubt about it, but if they actually graded me on my financial results in real life, in real time, they would flunk me and kick my ass out of business school because I'm a totally disaster financially. Not being good with your money isn't necessarily a reflection of your character and morals, just like porn addiction doesn't necessarily say anything about you as a person, good or bad, however, numbers don't lie. Period.

Thus, at the end of the day, it doesn't matter which money management philosophy you go with, Dave Ramsey, Warren Buffet, The EasyPeasy method, or anyone else for that matter, all that matters is that you grind it out, and work on your self control and discipline, so you don't spend more money than you make. I look at porn recovery the same way. Are we here to grind it out and invest in ourselves and our life savings accounts (our ephemeral time here on this earth) or are we only reading books and arguing over which philosophy is best, but at the end of the day, we have little or no savings in our accounts to show for our "reading"? Just as with money management and going to a financial expert, this isn't about, shame, love or forgiveness, it's just about asking the pertinent question, are you getting real world results or not? And if not, why not?


Fuck yeah. I totally agree. I think we all have to do this, in fact, it is utterly our duty to be obsessed with getting over this once and for all, just like winning against your mortal enemy. Go all in or go home! So the question is, what are you going to do to win? What are we all going to do to win? What does it look like to go all in? What does it take to win this once and for all?

Best brother

Yes, exactly. In the beginning you realize you have this porn problem but you are sensitive to bring it up with someone because you don't know if they're gon understand you or what kind of reaction they are gonna have. Then you join a forum like this one and for the first time comes a relief because you now actually meet people who understand you and won't have any idiotic reaction, because they know how it goes. You read, study, find out strategies, how to quit porn, you read success stories, you read about the superpowers and after that at one point you really need to start having some significant progress, if you still come here after 5 years to say my best in the last year has been 2 weeks, you need to re-evaluate the whole thing and realize that this is not the way to go. Wasted years are wasted years still. Of course we all want to be those that succceed faster, struggle maybe a year but finally escape however this doesn't come easy without grinding. If porn is really a big problem for us we need to make it a very high priority and work hard on it. If you are like me who in 8 years at least of doing this I come here and declare relapses every 3 fuckin days, what the fuck? Is this the way I should be doing this after 8 years? That's why I was saying that sometimes I need someone to call me out and actually tell me straight up: "Listen, what the fuck are you actually doing? After a few years of doing this and all the knowledge you've accumulated, you tell me 7 days is your best in months?" If noone tells you this you need to be the one who tells yourself this because this is no joke, you can't have shitty progress after years. It's not acceptable. I feel like we sometimes invest too much energy into excuses. "It's a difficult addiction, man, what do you want me to do? Of course I'm prone to relapses." Yes, it's hard, I know, but is this an excuse for you to justify 3 years of relapses from now on? At one point there should be no more excuses.

 

[Blondie]

Day 38

I feel like we sometimes invest too much energy into excuses. "It's a difficult addiction, man, what do you want me to do? Of course I'm prone to relapses." Yes, it's hard, I know, but is this an excuse for you to justify 3 years of relapses from now on? At one point there should be no more excuses.

Yes @Escapeandnevercomeback, excuses are sometimes worse than the addiction. That's why it's important to be honest with ourselves and force ourselves to do things, different things if need be, so as to move beyond our excuses and find some freedom.

Best brother.

You all have a great porn-free Saturday, I know I will. Two more days to the big 40!

Fuck porn

 

[Blondie]

Day 39

 

[achilles heel]

Glad to see you’re doing well, keep going, you can do it!

Your reflection on money management was really interesting to me as I am really good at it myself and use to look down on those who aren’t. Never thought about any parallels between addiction and money management as I indeed used to think “Do the math, don’t spend more than you can and have some basic discipline!” - I guess considering my years of failed attempts to quit porn, that’s how others see my own struggle. So who am I to be judgmental?

 

[TryingHarder]

So I want to strike a compromise and try to use PMO on my terms.

I think we've all thought about this. But in my mind, I realized quickly that you don't compromise with an addiction. You crush it, you walk away from it, and you never look back.

So the question is, what are you going to do to win? What are we all going to do to win? What does it look like to go all in? What does it take to win this once and for all?

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 39

Almost there!

 

[Blondie]

Day 40!

Your reflection on money management was really interesting to me as I am really good at it myself and use to look down on those who aren’t. Never thought about any parallels between addiction and money management as I indeed used to think “Do the math, don’t spend more than you can and have some basic discipline!” - I guess considering my years of failed attempts to quit porn, that’s how others see my own struggle.

Hey @achilles heel, thanks for chipping in. I'm sure everyone has their "reasons" for bad money management, but mine has always felt similar to any other bad habit I've had over the years. Obviously, I wouldn't say I'm addicted to it like I've been with porn, but how I approach it, especially when it comes to researching how to stop it, or how to form the "perfect" budget, that's where I've found many similarities with my porn problem. It's all too easy to intellectually masturbate about how to do this or that, instead of just picking a plan (any plan!) and working your ass off to get there, and modifying as you go along.

Best

I think we've all thought about this. But in my mind, I realized quickly that you don't compromise with an addiction. You crush it, you walk away from it, and you never look back.

Hey @TryingHarder, yes compromising with this only leads us down the Road to Nowhere. I couldn't agree more.

Best

Almost there!

Thanks brother!

Well it feels good to be 40 days clean. Every day away from the filth is a good day.

You all have a great porn-free Monday.

 

[First_step_thousand_miles]

Day 40!



Hey @achilles heel, thanks for chipping in. I'm sure everyone has their "reasons" for bad money management, but mine has always felt similar to any other bad habit I've had over the years. Obviously, I wouldn't say I'm addicted to it like I've been with porn, but how I approach it, especially when it comes to researching how to stop it, or how to form the "perfect" budget, that's where I've found many similarities with my porn problem. It's all too easy to intellectually masturbate about how to do this or that, instead of just picking a plan (any plan!) and working your ass off to get there, and modifying as you go along.

Best

Hey @TryingHarder, yes compromising with this only leads us down the Road to Nowhere. I couldn't agree more.

Best


Thanks brother!

Well it feels good to be 40 days clean. Every day away from the filth is a good day.

You all have a great porn-free Monday.

Great stuff my man! Can't wait for day 100

 

[Blondie]

Great stuff my man! Can't wait for day 100

Thank you brother! Same here.

 

[forceisstrong2]

40 days porn free. Forever a legend.