It ends here.

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
@searching4good, @Blondie, @LilDarkOne and @FreedomFromTheStruggle_11, thank you all!

It does feel good to get here, and for me it feels like my general mood is improving day by day. I’m not having those days where I can’t look anyone in the eye, where my hands are shaking and I feel overwhelmed and need to leave the room. I remember explaining to my therapist a couple of years ago that I feel like a small wilting tree sprouting out of a cube of ice. Now it’s different, I feel a lot more secure. I don’t know, I sort of get this feeling like everything’s going to be fine.

I’ve got a long way to go though. I’m looking for intimacy, in friendships but honestly - mostly in looking for a partner. Even just casual sex, I don’t really care anymore. I’m 35 and have had one girlfriend in my lifetime. Almost no other sexual encounter before her, and nothing since. It’s driving me nuts, and it’s hard not to let it control every decision I make. I have to just learn to get out there and live, and trust that sex and love will happen.

I don’t mean to get stuck on my problems. I do need to focus on the good and keep chasing that!
 
Last edited:

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
I had a couple of run-ins with some triggering stuff last week. First time was by accident, then I looked it up a couple of times, I think I mentioned it earlier. Been staying away successfully for two or three days now, so I hope the worst is over there.

Thing is, I definitely noticed that it had less of an effect on me. It was the kind of stuff that I know I’m attracted to - basically just attractive women in lingerie. Some light bondage inspired stuff. I was never really that deviant in my taste, and I can’t say I’m ashamed to being attracted to that. And I know - every image there is carefully posed, lighted, photographed, edited - I know it’s an unrealistic depiction.

But even though I liked what I saw, I didn’t really have a physical reaction to it, it just felt hollow and pointless. And it is just that. I just want to have a real experience for once.

Holding on for as long as I can here. I think it’s a week since my last MO, and fast approaching 60 days porn free!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Just watched this, and thought it was helpful. If you’re someone who experiences anxiety over pretty much anything, like the possibility of relapsing - or the effects of long-term use of porn, I would recommend watching this. I’ve got a huge deal of anxiety myself, and it got me thinking in a different way.

 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
On the subject of feeling anxious, I can really see this being useful. I have been thinking a lot about allowing myself to feel - both good and bad emotions - and I think it will allow me a broader emotional range and a perhaps a better mood overall. But I have been struggling with just how to do that. It's so easy to attempt to suppress negative emotions in order to feel better. But holding down those emotions only cause them to become bigger than they need to be, like mentioned in the video I posted above.

So maybe I have a more distinct plan here - it goes something like this:

1 - Anxiety or negative emotion or thought arises: "I am not interesting" or "I have nothing to offer this person".
2 - Accept that the thought or emotion has appeared, and listen to it.
3 - Attempt to judge whether the thought or emotion has any merit, or if it is useful to me.
4 - Make a decision based on that judgement.

An additional point might be to go back to the though or emotion and try to understand where it came from.

This way, I get to listen to what is going on in my body and mind, but I don't let it control me. I recognize that there is a reason I will feel a specific way, and be understanding of that. But I use my rational adult mind to make the decision in the end.
 
Last edited:
Top