It ends here.

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 66

Got sick after getting home, quite frustrating since I was sick just a couple of weeks ago and it feels like exactly the same thing. Thankfully it’s not Covid.

I guess I’m not surprised, four days straight of going out drinking and not enough sleep will wreck the immune system.

Other than that I’m still feeling good, better than since I can remember. Quitting porn is the best thing I ever did for myself, it’s clearer and clearer every day.
 

Schmuck

Member
Day 68

Just had a dream where I was looking up porn. I felt like I had an excuse, or that it was fine this one time, but it didn’t feel right. As I woke up, it was like coming out of a nightmare and I was relieved to find that I still don’t want to use.
Thanks for taking the bullet for me this time, I appreciate the longer break from having relapse nightmares. Body horror, assault, or something unconventional, what will it be tonight?
 
Keep up the amazing progress @downhillfromhere - nearly 70 days is no joke. The P dreams I think are both a sign of how deeply rooted these old habits are in us, but also an indication of progress.

It's awesome you felt so repulsed by it, but - and I know you know this - don't let your guard down. Knowing my brain, the thoughts from that dream would probably find an insidious way to manifest at some point when I'm least expecting it in the next few days. Invariably when I'm at my most vulnerable.

Looking forward to hearing how you're keeping on killing it!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thanks for taking the bullet for me this time, I appreciate the longer break from having relapse nightmares. Body horror, assault, or something unconventional, what will it be tonight?
Does not sound pleasant. Dreams often mirror what’s going on inside our heads, and it’s interesting that they start getting more prominent as we heal from the addiction. Hope to have more dreams, and that they are not nightmares most of the time!
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Keep up the amazing progress @downhillfromhere - nearly 70 days is no joke. The P dreams I think are both a sign of how deeply rooted these old habits are in us, but also an indication of progress.

It's awesome you felt so repulsed by it, but - and I know you know this - don't let your guard down. Knowing my brain, the thoughts from that dream would probably find an insidious way to manifest at some point when I'm least expecting it in the next few days. Invariably when I'm at my most vulnerable.

Looking forward to hearing how you're keeping on killing it!
Thank you! It feels like I’m making progress but yes, I do need to keep my guard up. It’s happened before that I turned from completely convinced I will never watch porn again to relapsing the same day.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 69

I’ve had an interesting development since I came back from that trip. I won’t go into much detail here, but I managed to develop some feelings for a coworker after spending some time with her over those days. She’s got a partner and a kid, so I’m left just having to wait this out and keep my cool.

The point I’m making is that this sort of intense feeling for someone hasn’t happened to me in a long, long time. It’s been probably 12-15 years or something like that. I’m thinking about her at work, at home, before I go to sleep, first thing in the morning. It’s a feeling that just seeps into anything and everything i do, every part of my day, and it’s like nothing else even matters anymore.

On top of that, I’m realising that I’m 35 with no girlfriend or kid - maybe some biological clock is ticking here, but I’m finding a huge drive to have a family of myself, and soon. I suddenly want kids now, and not long ago I was very unsure.

I don’t know. I might just be out of my mind. Going to keep my head cool and just keep going. The good news is that when I say that things don’t matter anymore, things like YouTube and video games seem completely void of meaning. I get restless and want to do something that holds meaning to me, like making music or reading books. Things that will return to me in some form in the future. Maybe that’s a good thing that’s come from all this.

edit - I just realised I didn’t even think of how porn fits into all this. If anything, it feels meaningless i a way even more profound than YouTube and such. In one way I feel like just using this momentum and leaving here forever, but I guess I should stay vigilant. This recovery holds meaning to me, it’s what got me to this point in the first place. I will still check in and see where this goes.
 
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Blondie

Respected Member
Glad to hear you're starting to get crushes again and "feelings". I remember that happening to me again as well and it was great. Sure I had them before that, but it was often so sexualized that it really felt quite different after letting go of porn.

👍 👍
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thanks Blondie. Yeah, i did get feelings of attraction but they were always very superficial and short lived. Such as fixating on a specific thing. This feels like it runs a lot deeper, and I’m appreciative of it even though it hurts as well.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
and I’m appreciative of it even though it hurts as well.
Indeed, they call that life. Something we all forgot about when we were neck deep in the P!

Stay strong brother. You're only 35, yes you're older, but you're not THAT old yet, so don't rush into anything quickly. We always make mistakes when we do that, especially when we feel we're "behind" etc.

I understand what you're saying though.
 
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Schmuck

Member
Day 69

I’ve had an interesting development since I came back from that trip. I won’t go into much detail here, but I managed to develop some feelings for a coworker after spending some time with her over those days. She’s got a partner and a kid, so I’m left just having to wait this out and keep my cool.

The point I’m making is that this sort of intense feeling for someone hasn’t happened to me in a long, long time. It’s been probably 12-15 years or something like that. I’m thinking about her at work, at home, before I go to sleep, first thing in the morning. It’s a feeling that just seeps into anything and everything i do, every part of my day, and it’s like nothing else even matters anymore.

On top of that, I’m realising that I’m 35 with no girlfriend or kid - maybe some biological clock is ticking here, but I’m finding a huge drive to have a family of myself, and soon. I suddenly want kids now, and not long ago I was very unsure.

I don’t know. I might just be out of my mind. Going to keep my head cool and just keep going. The good news is that when I say that things don’t matter anymore, things like YouTube and video games seem completely void of meaning. I get restless and want to do something that holds meaning to me, like making music or reading books. Things that will return to me in some form in the future. Maybe that’s a good thing that’s come from all this.

edit - I just realised I didn’t even think of how porn fits into all this. If anything, it feels meaningless i a way even more profound than YouTube and such. In one way I feel like just using this momentum and leaving here forever, but I guess I should stay vigilant. This recovery holds meaning to me, it’s what got me to this point in the first place. I will still check in and see where this goes.
I can really relate to this entry. Realizing how meaningless the distractions that we've submerged ourselves in for so long are, compared to the fulfillment of forming a family of our own; that's a pretty intense feeling. As for how to handle it in a healthy way, use it to empower yourself rather than as ammunition for self-hatred. You're not fundamentally flawed, and you're not too old to revolutionize your life.

Developing feelings for a woman that are among the strongest that you've felt in your lifetime, doing so during a period of awakening (in our case rebooting), doing so with a woman who has a regular presence in your life and is already with someone else, and thinking about her frequently, I feel you on all of those things. It feels amazing and reassuring to have regained the ability to love someone in such a way, but the reality of their relationship status stings.
I have good news for you: That stinging can become less painful, if you actively change your viewpoint of things.
If the relationship that she's in is healthy, being in it is a blessing for her, allowing you to be happy for her. While you're doing so, you can reassure yourself, "There are single women out there that I'm capable of falling in love with". And this in turn inspires you to progress your recovery further and get out into the world. [This is easier to do when she lives far away from you; not applicable to your case obviously but worth mentioning]
Porn can make us selfish, especially in regards to feeling entitled to women. It's totally natural to be upset that you can't be with someone romantically, but don't let this influence of porn twist things. I suspect that it's not very effective on you though, considering your maturity and rebooting progress thus far 😁👍

The day after I found out that she has a boyfriend, I wrote down a list of positive aspects regarding the existence of the relationship and my discovery of it existing. Doing so was helpful, and as strange and personalized as some of my strategies for other things have been, this list idea might be effective for you and/or other people in this sort of situation. I wish you well with all of this, and I hope that you're able to healthily develop some sort of friendship with your coworker, at one point or another. I was able to immediately continue strengthening my friendship with my crush (so well that her hunch about me having feelings for her weakened 😅😎), and doing so has been incredibly rewarding. The feelings never entirely went away of course, but I've proven to myself that I can develop feelings for other women that are reassuringly stronger than the ones that I have for her nowadays, women who I can actually be with.
 
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