forceisstrong2
Active Member
Have a great time, buddy!
Quitting porn is the best thing I ever did for myself, it’s clearer and clearer every day.
Thanks for taking the bullet for me this time, I appreciate the longer break from having relapse nightmares. Body horror, assault, or something unconventional, what will it be tonight?Day 68
Just had a dream where I was looking up porn. I felt like I had an excuse, or that it was fine this one time, but it didn’t feel right. As I woke up, it was like coming out of a nightmare and I was relieved to find that I still don’t want to use.
Does not sound pleasant. Dreams often mirror what’s going on inside our heads, and it’s interesting that they start getting more prominent as we heal from the addiction. Hope to have more dreams, and that they are not nightmares most of the time!Thanks for taking the bullet for me this time, I appreciate the longer break from having relapse nightmares. Body horror, assault, or something unconventional, what will it be tonight?
Thank you! It feels like I’m making progress but yes, I do need to keep my guard up. It’s happened before that I turned from completely convinced I will never watch porn again to relapsing the same day.Keep up the amazing progress @downhillfromhere - nearly 70 days is no joke. The P dreams I think are both a sign of how deeply rooted these old habits are in us, but also an indication of progress.
It's awesome you felt so repulsed by it, but - and I know you know this - don't let your guard down. Knowing my brain, the thoughts from that dream would probably find an insidious way to manifest at some point when I'm least expecting it in the next few days. Invariably when I'm at my most vulnerable.
Looking forward to hearing how you're keeping on killing it!
Indeed, they call that life. Something we all forgot about when we were neck deep in the P!and I’m appreciative of it even though it hurts as well.
I can really relate to this entry. Realizing how meaningless the distractions that we've submerged ourselves in for so long are, compared to the fulfillment of forming a family of our own; that's a pretty intense feeling. As for how to handle it in a healthy way, use it to empower yourself rather than as ammunition for self-hatred. You're not fundamentally flawed, and you're not too old to revolutionize your life.Day 69
I’ve had an interesting development since I came back from that trip. I won’t go into much detail here, but I managed to develop some feelings for a coworker after spending some time with her over those days. She’s got a partner and a kid, so I’m left just having to wait this out and keep my cool.
The point I’m making is that this sort of intense feeling for someone hasn’t happened to me in a long, long time. It’s been probably 12-15 years or something like that. I’m thinking about her at work, at home, before I go to sleep, first thing in the morning. It’s a feeling that just seeps into anything and everything i do, every part of my day, and it’s like nothing else even matters anymore.
On top of that, I’m realising that I’m 35 with no girlfriend or kid - maybe some biological clock is ticking here, but I’m finding a huge drive to have a family of myself, and soon. I suddenly want kids now, and not long ago I was very unsure.
I don’t know. I might just be out of my mind. Going to keep my head cool and just keep going. The good news is that when I say that things don’t matter anymore, things like YouTube and video games seem completely void of meaning. I get restless and want to do something that holds meaning to me, like making music or reading books. Things that will return to me in some form in the future. Maybe that’s a good thing that’s come from all this.
edit - I just realised I didn’t even think of how porn fits into all this. If anything, it feels meaningless i a way even more profound than YouTube and such. In one way I feel like just using this momentum and leaving here forever, but I guess I should stay vigilant. This recovery holds meaning to me, it’s what got me to this point in the first place. I will still check in and see where this goes.