I need to write a bit about things that have happened lately, this will just be like a personal diary in a way - but it helps just telling someone. I don't really have anyone I can speak to about these things.
I'm no longer seeing that girl I was talking about earlier. A couple of weeks ago we had a conversation about me not really feeling it anymore, but we kept seeing each other now and then until this weekend. We had a few great days hiking, cooking together, watching movies, talking and sleeping together. I didn't really feel any different, I felt indifferent to her in a way. So this weekend she brought it up, she was noticing that I wasn't engaged in a romantic way and I think she was annoyed that I was avoiding the subject. I tend to avoid confrontations and conflict, and I guess I was happy just to have her around and just being like friends.
After saying goodbye I feel different. I think I have been taking her for granted, because looking back now I see how happy I've been with her. I haven't been feeling down or overly anxious or depressed. She made me feel good about myself and I could just be myself with her. We talked effortlessly and we had a real connection. I was so happy to have someone to really talk to.
I don't know if I have problems with attachment or commitment. If I just need to learn to be grateful for what is here in the moment. Am I just remembering all the good things now, and forgetting about the things that might not have worked so well? I don't know. I just miss her so much, and I have a gnawing feeling in my stomach like I made a huge mistake. It's like all meaning and enjoyment just vanished with her. Food doesn't taste as good, and nothing really feels worth doing now.
We ended in a good tone, still with care for each other and an agreement that we maybe could see how things were in the future. That helps a bit, I think. So I guess all that's left for me to do is to keep going for here and try to take care of myself. Need to stay active and try to reach out to people. No binge eating junk food or candy to feel better. No watching porn to feel better.