It ends here.

[downhillfromhere]

Day 13

 

[logicprox]

Thanks! I think you found an old post there, it’s over a year later and I’m just at 13 days at the moment It sucks, but the number is no big deal. Just reminding myself that the fight itself is what matters, not necessarily how many days in a row we have accomplished at a given time.

That said, it’s inspiring to see how well many people around here are doing, achieving things I once thought would be impossible.

Well, I don’t really have a specific type of music I like to work on, but it’s a lot of rock, metal or jazz inspired things, and I also like to make some electronic music. Still trying to figure my way through the process and trying to spend more time doing it!

Nice. I just ask cause I do a bit of music too. Very cool.

 

[downhillfromhere]

I got to 15 days, then things went wrong. It's gonna be okay, I was half expecting it to happen after I looked at that stuff last week. So - it's time again to be honest about it, and own up to what is happening without excuses.

So I have been planning to see this girl for the last few weeks, we've both been away for the summer and busy with different things. Date got postponed three times now, and I guess I got a little frustrated - so after thinking and daydreaming daily about seeing her, I managed to convince myself it was okay this one time. Just to release some tension. One time turned to three days in a row, and well - by that point I guess I am coming to my senses again. I'm back to thinking about the effects this will have on my life, and the futility of letting it continue. It's so easy to keep going but I won't.

I'm without partner now obviously, and I have to be so careful with this. When there is no real world person to be with, those wires that I've been trying to uncouple will reattach quickly. I just can't let that happen again, and it's time to get serious.

I absolutely need to start spending more time on meditation and mindfulness throughout the day, and I'm going to set aside some time each day to read about porn addiction. Basically just read or re-read anything I can find, because I tend to forget what I'm doing and why I'm doing it (I'm actually starting to seriously consider the possibility that I might have ADHD, and I think I might get it checked one day). Still taking cold showers every day, and I will continue my routine of running once a week and working out twice a week.

I really believe that quitting porn is a good thing for me. I desperately want to know what it feels like to be rid of it even for half a year. I got through three months before, and I know I can do it. But for that to happen, I really need to start being more honest in the moment about the urges that are arising, cause they get out of control so easily.

Day 0!

 

[Blondie]

This is okay @downhillfromhere, we're all a work in progress. I can see you're really figuring out the deeper reasons why you go back to this stuff, and that is truly one of the keys to getting over it. I've said over and over again, that so much of this is a personal journey of discovery, and you have to figure out for yourself what it is you have to do. Obviously we're all somewhat the same, but we're also very different in why we continue to come back to this, even when we don't want to. Getting to the bottom of this, and really looking in the mirror and asking the tough questions, is how we get there.

I absolutely need to start spending more time on meditation and mindfulness throughout the day, and I'm going to set aside some time each day to read about porn addiction.

I think this is a good idea. This is still the reason why I spend so much time here, I just don't want to forget how important this is to me, and well, I often have and then ended up in the wrong place because of it. We have a tendency to forget, especially when we're real close to have done quite recently.

Basically just read or re-read anything I can find, because I tend to forget what I'm doing and why I'm doing it (I'm actually starting to seriously consider the possibility that I might have ADHD, and I think I might get it checked one day)

This is possible. I too sometimes wonder if that's the case for me. I guess I could look into it, but I've come this far in my life, so maybe it doesn't matter anymore. Do whatever you have to do.

Best man.

Keep on fighting the good fight!

 

[downhillfromhere]

This is okay @downhillfromhere, we're all a work in progress. I can see you're really figuring out the deeper reasons why you go back to this stuff, and that is truly one of the keys to getting over it. I've said over and over again, that so much of this is a personal journey of discovery, and you have to figure out for yourself what it is you have to do. Obviously we're all somewhat the same, but we're also very different in why we continue to come back to this, even when we don't want to. Getting to the bottom of this, and really looking in the mirror and asking the tough questions, is how we get there.

I think this is a good idea. This is still the reason why I spend so much time here, I just don't want to forget how important this is to me, and well, I often have and then ended up in the wrong place because of it. We have a tendency to forget, especially when we're real close to have done quite recently.

This is possible. I too sometimes wonder if that's the case for me. I guess I could look into it, but I've come this far in my life, so maybe it doesn't matter anymore. Do whatever you have to do.

Best man.

Keep on fighting the good fight!

Thanks for the support Blondie! Yeah, I think for me it will be crucial to come back here as often as I can, just to keep reminding myself. I think I've overstated my ability to just figure this all out on my own, and obviously it isn't working. But yeah, I'm trying to look deeper in myself and ask why this keeps on happening. Appreciate the feedback!

I'll make a habit out of being completely honest here, though. My thoughts on the negative effects of porn have been all over the place these past few months. I don't know if it's something I've read, it's certainly not difficult to find porn-positive articles and opinions out there. "Everything in moderation", I've thought to myself. Surely once in a while can't really hurt, it's just a matter of not going back to using it every day.

Then I will read something different, experiences that other porn users have had after quitting and I'm back to thinking this is the way to go for me. Cold turkey, zero tolerance, all the way. And I do objectively think so, at least I hope so, that I'm not fooling myself and just end up in circle of relapse every two weeks for month after month - all because I don't really believe I will get better.

No, I really want to know what it's like to quit. I want to know how much I can change for the good, how both physically and mentally. If I don't do this then I'll end up just wondering. I want to do it now, get rid of this shit habit TODAY.

 

[Blondie]

I'll make a habit out of being completely honest here, though. My thoughts on the negative effects of porn have been all over the place these past few months. I don't know if it's something I've read, it's certainly not difficult to find porn-positive articles and opinions out there. "Everything in moderation", I've thought to myself. Surely once in a while can't really hurt, it's just a matter of not going back to using it every day.

Thanks for sharing this @downhillfromhere. You know what? I've wrestled with this same problem for years on end, because I'm always trying to be "balanced" and never "extreme" on any end of discussions out there, and even pride myself on seeing the "other side of the argument", thus, this is one factor (out of many) that got me going back to it after sometime clean over the years. I eventually just had to make a rule for myself and only for myself, that no matter what anyone else thought about porn, as for me, it was just a no no and not an option. I was never able to be "balanced" with it, and thus, I needed a hard rule where I don't questioned it anymore or overanalyze it, and just follow the rule because it knows best.

 

[downhillfromhere]

That's a good point. I can believe that some people can use porn regularly and not have a problem with it. But like you, I feel like I just can't do that, and that it's going to be a huge problem again if I let it. It needs to be a thing of the past, and I think this is a good way to think about it. It's not for me. Thanks!

 

[downhillfromhere]

Day 1

Things are feeling different for me now. I'm at home this week and maybe it was one of the reasons of my last relapse, but I've also had a lot of time to think and read/learn about this struggle. Getting more and more motivated.

One thought I had was that looking at substitutes or porn is like trying to drink salt water to quench your thirst. Just having one look because of this or because of that. It just makes you more thirsty, and it will never stop until you turn around and look for fresh water.

 

[downhillfromhere]

End of day update. Been listening to the Easy Peasy Method, and finding it pretty helpful so far. I started reading it last year but didn't get very far for some reason. Have not been feeling any urges today at all- or actually, the only urge arose just as I was writing this. Probably just because I was thinking about it, that's the way it works I guess.

 

[downhillfromhere]

Day 2

Grateful to be free even for a couple of days!

 

[Skittelz]

End of day update. Been listening to the Easy Peasy Method, and finding it pretty helpful so far. I started reading it last year but didn't get very far for some reason. Have not been feeling any urges today at all- or actually, the only urge arose just as I was writing this. Probably just because I was thinking about it, that's the way it works I guess.

Good job!

Easy Peasy is an excellent listen. It's not a perfect 100% fix or anything, it just presents a new approach to the addiction. I found it to be very helpful in my battle.

Only like 4 hours too, if I remember correctly. I think I get more out of it when I exercise while I listen. I usually put in the headphones and go hiking with the dogs while I listen to it.

 

[downhillfromhere]

Good job!

Easy Peasy is an excellent listen. It's not a perfect 100% fix or anything, it just presents a new approach to the addiction. I found it to be very helpful in my battle.

Only like 4 hours too, if I remember correctly. I think I get more out of it when I exercise while I listen. I usually put in the headphones and go hiking with the dogs while I listen to it.

Good tip, I think I’ll do the same. Was planning on a hike with my dog today!

 

[downhillfromhere]

This book is proving to be really eye opening for me. I feel really called out on several points, and I think that’s a good thing! For example the thoughts I have had on still using in moderation, or getting through a certain number of days in order to “become okay”. It’s simply a matter of deciding to quit, just because it feels good to be rid of this huge negative thing in my life. It’s draining and depressing, and it has no value to me.

I got another audiobook called Power Over Pornography, which I will check out soon. Also, after watching an interview with Terry Crews I stumbled over a YouTube channel called Fight the New Drug, anyone else seen that?

 

[FreedomFromTheStruggle_11]

Have a great day, buddy! You've got this!!

 

[downhillfromhere]

Thanks so much @FreedomFromTheStruggle_11!

 

[downhillfromhere]

I thought that I should just stop thinking about porn, that way I would put it out of my mind and just focus on the things that I actually want to do. In the case of porn though, I don't think it's the right tactic anymore. I have a tendency to forget how much I want to quit, and fall into the trap again and again. This is probably because quitting porn seems deceptively easy to me, at least for the first days and couple of weeks. Maybe I see it as not much of a deal if I just peek at porn once, because I'll just quit again just as easily and there's no problem. The trouble is just that this is a cycle that essentially traps me as a porn user indefinitely. I'm practically still addicted.

The only way out of this for me is to stay on my toes, keep reading and listening to audio books, keep checking in here if only to get my thoughts down. I appreciate you guys on here and this forum in general, it's a great help to me.

 

[Androg]

You won't always need to be so conscientious in seeking support, but for now....

 

[downhillfromhere]

I have been thinking a lot about a specific day late last year where my mood was just over the roof. I remember what I was doing for work, taking some photographs at a construction site and on the way back home I was actually smiling at strangers. Just genuinely being glad to see people, and wishing them well.

So I looked it up in my email and that day was pretty exactly on the 90-day mark of my streak last year. I think I ended up around 120 days free of porn. But it shows me what I’ve known all along, I become a lot more sociable, balanced and happy without the poison of porn.

 

[FreedomFromTheStruggle_11]

I have been thinking a lot about a specific day late last year where my mood was just over the roof. I remember what I was doing for work, taking some photographs at a construction site and on the way back home I was actually smiling at strangers. Just genuinely being glad to see people, and wishing them well.

So I looked it up in my email and that day was pretty exactly on the 90-day mark of my streak last year. I think I ended up around 120 days free of porn. But it shows me what I’ve known all along, I become a lot more sociable, balanced and happy without the poison of porn.

Awesome man!! That stuff is never worth it.

 

[downhillfromhere]

Day 3