It ends here.

downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
End of day update. No cravings or difficulties, and the doubts in my mind have been erased. I feel like I was being brainwashed in a way to think that porn is okay - it’s everywhere and it seems like everyone is either using it or desperately trying to get away from it.

There’s no “just one peek”. If I choose to look, I am actively choosing to step backwards in my life. It doesn’t matter if it’s today, next week, next month or five years from now - the result will be that I’m heading back towards being enslaved by something I’ve again and again said I don’t want. I will leave this habit - or addiction or whatever you want to call it - behind, and I will never look back. Because I don’t want it and I don’t need it.
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
So it turns out the woman I’ve been so excited to see is moving to a different city to study for a few years. There’s a small chance she’s not gonna do it, but damn… this really got to me. She seemed like someone I could settle down with.

This sucks. Getting through the next few days will be a good indicator of how I’m doing here though. Just remember, using porn again offers me nothing that I want. I don’t need it. Increased isolation, anxiety, loneliness, pointlessness? Less meaning and direction in life? No thank you.
 
searching4good

searching4good

Active Member
Sorry to hear that @downhillfromhere I really am, and speaking from similar experiences.

Well done for being aware of yourself though and of the paths that will likely present themselves as you work through it. You are totally right - it's a horrible feeling, but it's going to be so much worse if you try and medicate it with porn. You've got this.
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Just another thought on this as I attempt to just get on with things. I won’t go on and on about this, but I need to get it out.

The reason this felt so bad is because I got so excited for the possibility of something happening with her. It seemed like we both really enjoyed each other’s company. Then she tells me she’s moving away for three years, literally the day before leaving, and I feel this intense loneliness because all of those possibilities are gone from one day to another. No chance to talk or say bye.

I don’t think she did anything wrong, lead me on or anything. But I don’t know, I’m considering just telling her how I feel about it, if only to get some closure. Maybe that’s selfish, I’m not sure.

I think I get easily attached to people though. She seemed so casual about the whole thing. I guess I’ll take some time to just think about it, try to take care of myself and get on with it.
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Considering that weekends, specifically Sundays have proven difficult for me in the past, I will focus on doing recovery work in the weekend from here on. That means reading and listening to anything regarding or related to addiction, therapy or personal development. I just can't slack off on these things, because I know from experience that things will start slipping.

So far I haven't had any urges to look anything, but today was the first day I noticed my mind was kind of starting to consider it. Hard to describe, but I think I'm starting to build an ability to notice these things sooner and catch them. Meditation and mindfulness is huge here, which I'm starting to do more of now, also reading a book about this that is really interesting. It's all about becoming more aware of subconscious patterns and how to change those things.

It feels good to be approaching a couple of weeks without looking at porn or any substitutes. I don't want it and I don't need it.
 
F

FreedomFromTheStruggle_11

Well-Known Member
downhillfromhere said:
Considering that weekends, specifically Sundays have proven difficult for me in the past, I will focus on doing recovery work in the weekend from here on. That means reading and listening to anything regarding or related to addiction, therapy or personal development. I just can't slack off on these things, because I know from experience that things will start slipping.

So far I haven't had any urges to look anything, but today was the first day I noticed my mind was kind of starting to consider it. Hard to describe, but I think I'm starting to build an ability to notice these things sooner and catch them. Meditation and mindfulness is huge here, which I'm starting to do more of now, also reading a book about this that is really interesting. It's all about becoming more aware of subconscious patterns and how to change those things.

It feels good to be approaching a couple of weeks without looking at porn or any substitutes. I don't want it and I don't need it.
Click to expand...
Proud of you, pal!! Keep on going down the road!!
 
downhillfromhere

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 14

This week I’m finally able to start my mornings like I want to. Have had a really bad habit of lying in bed, either snoozing or scrolling Instagram and such for up to 50 minutes after the alarm goes - so I’ve barely had time to shower and eat before I have to leave.

But from Monday this week I have woken up at 6, done some stretching, a couple minutes of body weight exercises, taken a cold shower and meditated for about 10 minutes. After that I eat and I leave for drum practice for 45 minutes before I go to work.

Want to do 20 minutes of meditation each morning, but I’m still lingering in bed for a few minutes - if I can fix that I’ll have enough time to do it.

As I’m writing this down I realise it sounds extreme, but I’m finding a sense of calm in the body I think I can really benefit from!
 
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