It ends here.

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thanks @Blondie for taking interest!

I’m doing pretty okay today, but honestly yesterday was absolutely brutal. I had a lot of time to think, and my mind went to a dark place.

Luckily I had a chance to get my thoughts out directly, had a long texting session with my ex and she was incredibly supportive. It also helped me to see her point of view, and not be stuck in a place of where I would imagine the worst possible thing. It is what it is, I just need to accept it and move on.

Going to be some tough days ahead. But right now, porn is the last thing on my mind. I’m committed to turning my life around, and I’m not going to give this thing another day of my life, no more of my attention.

I’m through sitting around alone. I’m through with being anxious and passive, wasting away with no real passion for anything. There are so many things I know I love, and I want to really feel them again.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 19

A bit tired/sleepy today, but feeling even better socially. I’m more confident, and I talk louder… feels very good. I generally feel like I have a lot more energy, feel kind of unstoppable in a way. I need to continue doing this, setting a goal of 90 days - no porn naturally, no MO either. Need to see how this pans out.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 20

Things are going well. I have four days off work now, thankfully I’ve got my dog with me and will make an effort to go to some places we haven’t been around the city. I live in a city known for having a lot of mountains, so will be visiting one or two mountaintops the next days.

It’s been around 80 days since I started actively trying to quit porn. Starting to feel the change now, but keeping in mind that this is just the beginning. I don’t do this to get past a certain number of days, but to change the way I live my life every day.

I have not had any urges in several days, but need to keep focused still. Haven’t been doing much recovery work, and next to no journaling or gratitude. Need to get back to doing some creative work each night like I started doing.

Have been thinking a lot about daydreaming. Came over this article that was quite interesting:


I think there is something to this. I do a lot of mind wandering every single day, but it’s almost always negative rumination or worry. Turning this around could be incredibly beneficial to someone’s mood, creativeness, ability to plan ahead etc.

Have been trying to take longer cold showers in the morning. New record today, 5 minutes. Cleaning with soap etc helps me to get used to it, because I’m sort of busy with something instead of focusing 100% on how cold it is.
 
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Blondie

Respected Member
The article looks interesting Down Hill, I will give it a look. Thanks.

Congrats on day 20. Almost at three weeks. And nice job with the cold showers, I still need try those sometime.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
The article looks interesting Down Hill, I will give it a look. Thanks.

Congrats on day 20. Almost at three weeks. And nice job with the cold showers, I still need try those sometime.
Don't mention it, it's been my mind a while after hearing about it on a podcast a while ago. It's apparently got something to do with the default mode network, when the brain is at rest. I think it's the part of our brains that is active when we're lost in thought.

It's so often I catch myself thinking about stuff, and I don't even realize I'm doing it. This change in noticing my own thoughts came after starting to meditate, been doing that every now and then for three or four years now. I think for me personally, I can probably benefit a lot from not only training myself to notice when my mind wanders, but also to actively be able to use that part of my brain for positive thinking instead of negative rumination.


About the cold showers, I can definitely recommend it. It's so nice to get that jolt early in the morning, and feel like you've actually woken up. It's a huge contrast to a hot shower. Apparently it can boost the immune system and make you more resistant to illness, and may relieve symptoms of depression. A lot of people claim benefits that are even greater, and I'm willing to give it a go for a while just to see how effective it can be for my health and wellbeing. Starting with hot and gradually turning it cold makes it a lot easier, if you want to give it a go one day.

Also, I think there's something to be said for the act of choosing to turn that knob all the way to cold. It's always a conscious decision, and every single morning my brain tries to persuade me to not do it. Going through with it anyways should to something to my ability to snap out of that passive and procrastinating state I often find myself in, and choose to just do the thing I've been putting off.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thanks @Restless Mystic! That may be true, I certainly hope so. Urges are at least getting weaker, more so than my last streak when I got to almost 60. I think that’s because I have been treating all substitutes like porn and avoiding them at all cost.

Day 22

Morning wood today, was good to know that it’s still there. Feels like it’s been a third of normal size the past couple of weeks.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Day 23

Last couple of days have been tougher emotionally. I’m sticking to my plan, keeping my head down and doing the work. Everything will be fine, just need some time.

Urges are weaker still. Something about the recent thing with my ex is making me feel almost asexual. Like I don’t even want to think about sex, and porn even less. It’s helpful right now, but hoping it will be better eventually.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Something about the recent thing with my ex is making me feel almost asexual. Like I don’t even want to think about sex, and porn even less. It’s helpful right now, but hoping it will be better eventually.

Yeah this is normal and is something I'm still learning and figuring out as well. Not feeling "sexual" all the time is probably a good thing. Porn jacks us up on constant sexual input, making us think this is normal, and that we should be feeling sexual 24/7 all year long. This simply is not true and will take quite a while to understand what "normal" is.

Nice job with day 23.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Yeah this is normal and is something I'm still learning and figuring out as well. Not feeling "sexual" all the time is probably a good thing. Porn jacks us up on constant sexual input, making us think this is normal, and that we should be feeling sexual 24/7 all year long. This simply is not true and will take quite a while to understand what "normal" is.

Nice job with day 23.
Yeah! Honestly it feels good to me. Just weeks ago there wouldn’t be a day gone by without having thoughts about sex or porn, fantasies, lusting after women in real life and on the screen in movies or series and so on. And I would act on it every single time, if I was alone. It’s so great to have a break for once, and even better - a feeling of autonomy over my own body.

Day 24

Never going back. Never.
 

downhillfromhere

Well-Known Member
Thank you, @particularly_respecting! But I didn't make it this time. o_O

It's really scary to see my resolve in the last post I made. That the very same day, I would willingly search for porn and masturbate to it.

Yesterday the temperature suddenly increased by 10 degrees centigrade, and something in me woke up. It started with testing my erection, just to see what was going on down there. Then I somehow went to Instagram and did some searches, almost like I was on autopilot. Then scenes from porn that I have watched before popped up in my head, and I went looking for them. Ended up finding some chick who just checked all the right boxes, and boom. Three relapses in the last two days. I couldn't resist.

Why did I suddenly forget what I was doing? Did I change my mind right then and there, that the pleasure was somehow more important than being rid of a major problem in my life?

Weird thing is, I feel pretty good. Like my life is starting to turn in a better direction. I mean, generally. I know it's because I am in the process of quitting porn and making a lot of other changes in my life, and it's starting to show. I can't let myself believe that I'm fine just because I relapsed and still feel okay. If I let it continue, I'll be right where I started sooner or later. That's not going to happen.

I hope it's a good thing that I don't feel like shit right now, like I thought I would. I sort of understand why it happened too, because I'm a bit emotionally unstable, I'm single and I'm just not getting intimacy from anywhere. But that's no excuse. Whatever situation I'm in, it's all temporary, and I sure as hell won't find intimacy with someone if I keep seeking comfort from a screen.

I'm starting again. It's really frustrating to reset the counter, but hey - it's not about that number for me right now. In fact what's important is to reset it and let myself know that this was not okay. I can't keep doing this.


Day 0.

I will do everything I possibly can to stay away from porn and all substitutes.
 

Ezel

Well-Known Member
I admire your commitment to never go back after your relapse.
alright look, don't over think 🤔 it man, learn from it, search for where it went down for you and try to never repeat those mistakes.
The same thing happened with me, it started with porn subs then, one thing led to another and I relapsed, i couldn't believe it, i thought it was just a bad dream.
It's like you said when your brain senses a drip of dopamine from those subs, it will switch to the autopilot mode, try to eliminate those subs and don't be manipulated by your brain when it tells you to test how hard your erection are...
They are just mind games to get you back to the screen...
I wish All the best for you downhillfromhere, i believe you can do this, and leave this shyt behind.
No way back, never...
 
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