Thank you,
@particularly_respecting! But I didn't make it this time.
It's really scary to see my resolve in the last post I made. That the very same day, I would willingly search for porn and masturbate to it.
Yesterday the temperature suddenly increased by 10 degrees centigrade, and something in me woke up. It started with testing my erection, just to see what was going on down there. Then I somehow went to Instagram and did some searches, almost like I was on autopilot. Then scenes from porn that I have watched before popped up in my head, and I went looking for them. Ended up finding some chick who just checked all the right boxes, and boom. Three relapses in the last two days. I couldn't resist.
Why did I suddenly forget what I was doing? Did I change my mind right then and there, that the pleasure was somehow more important than being rid of a major problem in my life?
Weird thing is, I feel pretty good. Like my life is starting to turn in a better direction. I mean, generally. I know it's because I am in the process of quitting porn and making a lot of other changes in my life, and it's starting to show. I can't let myself believe that I'm fine just because I relapsed and still feel okay. If I let it continue, I'll be right where I started sooner or later. That's not going to happen.
I hope it's a good thing that I don't feel like shit right now, like I thought I would. I sort of understand why it happened too, because I'm a bit emotionally unstable, I'm single and I'm just not getting intimacy from anywhere. But that's no excuse. Whatever situation I'm in, it's all temporary, and I sure as hell won't find intimacy with someone if I keep seeking comfort from a screen.
I'm starting again. It's really frustrating to reset the counter, but hey - it's not about that number for me right now. In fact what's important is to reset it and let myself know that this was not okay. I can't keep doing this.
Day 0.
I will do everything I possibly can to stay away from porn and all substitutes.