FiveFortyFour
Active Member
Day 2
Survivin'.
Survivin'.
Lazarus
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FiveFortyFour
Active Member
Day 3
Layed down to take a nap last night before work. M'd a bit. Pulled back.
Saw my small group last night. Was a real bright spot. I've really been feeling rough these past few days; hard to work up the motivation to get out of bed. But I still somehow find a way, it seems.
Layed down to take a nap last night before work. M'd a bit. Pulled back.
Saw my small group last night. Was a real bright spot. I've really been feeling rough these past few days; hard to work up the motivation to get out of bed. But I still somehow find a way, it seems.
FiveFortyFour
Active Member
Day 0
I'm disappointed in myself. I keep choosing to do what's wrong, in spite of knowing that it's bad, in spite of knowing that it's hurting me, because I keep making mental allowance for my flesh.
I realize that the emotionally distraught state I had been in the past few days opened me up to weakness. I cannot keep letting go of my principles and convictions when life gets hard, however.
The good news is that I still didn't watch any P. I relapsed after waking up. To address this, I'm going to see how two ideas of mine work: I'm going to use a music app as an alarm so that I can be a bit more enthusiastic about waking up. I'm also going to write notes to myself before bed, and put them on my alarm clock. Little letters of encouragement or reminders of why I'm getting up at all.
Life isn't over. Life is too precious to give up on.
I'm disappointed in myself. I keep choosing to do what's wrong, in spite of knowing that it's bad, in spite of knowing that it's hurting me, because I keep making mental allowance for my flesh.
I realize that the emotionally distraught state I had been in the past few days opened me up to weakness. I cannot keep letting go of my principles and convictions when life gets hard, however.
The good news is that I still didn't watch any P. I relapsed after waking up. To address this, I'm going to see how two ideas of mine work: I'm going to use a music app as an alarm so that I can be a bit more enthusiastic about waking up. I'm also going to write notes to myself before bed, and put them on my alarm clock. Little letters of encouragement or reminders of why I'm getting up at all.
Life isn't over. Life is too precious to give up on.
FiveFortyFour
Active Member
Day 3
I've been really weak at bedtime. I think my next move is going to be to get a body pillow (not one of those weird anime girl ones for turbo-nerds, just a regular one). I think having something to occupy my arms might do me some good.
I've been really weak at bedtime. I think my next move is going to be to get a body pillow (not one of those weird anime girl ones for turbo-nerds, just a regular one). I think having something to occupy my arms might do me some good.
FiveFortyFour
Active Member
Day 0
Yep. Again. Twice. I made a new note about morning showers and upstairs showers to keep it fresh in my mind. Might relocate my toothbrush and razor downstairs too; avoid the upstairs bathroom as much as possible until my brain neuro-plasticizes itself back to some semblance of normal.
I also wrote down some protocols for when I relapse and get that feeling of "I've gotta do it again." Simple stuff, call a friend, drink water, avoid social media. And at the end, I put a little reminder that ultimately that unshakeable feeling of "It's just gotta happen" is my brain following old addict habits. The cravings might be too noisy to completely ignore their existence, but endurance is feasible.
I'm probably going to feel like abject crap for the next few days. But I'll bounce back, and count on God's grace for even the lowliest of sinners, myself included.
Yep. Again. Twice. I made a new note about morning showers and upstairs showers to keep it fresh in my mind. Might relocate my toothbrush and razor downstairs too; avoid the upstairs bathroom as much as possible until my brain neuro-plasticizes itself back to some semblance of normal.
I also wrote down some protocols for when I relapse and get that feeling of "I've gotta do it again." Simple stuff, call a friend, drink water, avoid social media. And at the end, I put a little reminder that ultimately that unshakeable feeling of "It's just gotta happen" is my brain following old addict habits. The cravings might be too noisy to completely ignore their existence, but endurance is feasible.
I'm probably going to feel like abject crap for the next few days. But I'll bounce back, and count on God's grace for even the lowliest of sinners, myself included.
FiveFortyFour
Active Member
Day 2
That thing I said about feeling like abject crap came true. Broke down last night, opened up to my family about the stress I've been under. Worked out a few things. Exorcised a few demons. I feel a lot better now. Temptations are present, but I've been given the strength to resist.
That thing I said about feeling like abject crap came true. Broke down last night, opened up to my family about the stress I've been under. Worked out a few things. Exorcised a few demons. I feel a lot better now. Temptations are present, but I've been given the strength to resist.
FiveFortyFour
Active Member
Day 3
Alright. I'm still habitually M'ing when I lay down in bed. Even now I realize that the long pillow won't completely remedy the issue; so much of it is mental. Avoiding upstairs/morning showers clearly cuts off one avenue that the bad habits slip in. Prayer works. As does active decision making. The good news is that, with multiple alarms, morning music and the wake-up notes I write to myself before bed, I've currently put a stopper on M'ing after I wake up.
Really, if I can find a good method to circumvent or reliably resist the urge when I'm going to bed, then that would be the last place that I tend to stumble most addressed. I'm open to suggestions here; what's something practical I can do before bed to bring my tired mind under control? I'll brainstorm, see what I come up with, and check back here tomorrow.
Alright. I'm still habitually M'ing when I lay down in bed. Even now I realize that the long pillow won't completely remedy the issue; so much of it is mental. Avoiding upstairs/morning showers clearly cuts off one avenue that the bad habits slip in. Prayer works. As does active decision making. The good news is that, with multiple alarms, morning music and the wake-up notes I write to myself before bed, I've currently put a stopper on M'ing after I wake up.
Really, if I can find a good method to circumvent or reliably resist the urge when I'm going to bed, then that would be the last place that I tend to stumble most addressed. I'm open to suggestions here; what's something practical I can do before bed to bring my tired mind under control? I'll brainstorm, see what I come up with, and check back here tomorrow.
FiveFortyFour
Active Member
Day 4
Androg, we're probably on the same wavelength. For me, though, it's more about focusing on a simple, valuable, hard-hitting truth: God deserves my worship and obedience even when I don't feel like it. He made me, He made everything I have and gave it to me in His generosity, including my own life. He deserves that devotion. Reflecting on that makes a dang good case in my mind to hold fast to what's right. It worked last night; I didn't M at all.
Androg, we're probably on the same wavelength. For me, though, it's more about focusing on a simple, valuable, hard-hitting truth: God deserves my worship and obedience even when I don't feel like it. He made me, He made everything I have and gave it to me in His generosity, including my own life. He deserves that devotion. Reflecting on that makes a dang good case in my mind to hold fast to what's right. It worked last night; I didn't M at all.
FiveFortyFour
Active Member
Day 5
Seems like it worked again. I still get pretty annoying temptations at bed time, but holding the pillow and focusing on my Lord really does seem to motivate me. I'll also say that I've had the desire to take an upstairs shower all morning, knowing full well that I'd at least tempt a relapse in doing so, and I still haven't gone through with it. I know what I'm going toward at the very end of all this; it's worth letting things that falter me in my run fall to the wayside and burn.
Psalm 16:11 - You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
Seems like it worked again. I still get pretty annoying temptations at bed time, but holding the pillow and focusing on my Lord really does seem to motivate me. I'll also say that I've had the desire to take an upstairs shower all morning, knowing full well that I'd at least tempt a relapse in doing so, and I still haven't gone through with it. I know what I'm going toward at the very end of all this; it's worth letting things that falter me in my run fall to the wayside and burn.
Psalm 16:11 - You make known to me the path of life; in your presence there is fullness of joy; at your right hand are pleasures forevermore.
FiveFortyFour
Active Member
Day 1
It hurts typing that, man. It hurts bad. I... did not focus on the Lord last night. I let some carnal thoughts take root when I should have put them to the sword, and ended up nutting myself to sleep.
However, before I write it off as a total loss, I'd like to put a few things down for if I ever read this again: it could have been much, much worse. I did not take an upstairs shower. I did not look at any P that I know of. I only relapsed once. Today, I admittedly felt off, but nothing compared to the depressive slump I fell into the relapse before this one. I went more wild then, and reaped more for sowing more.
Point being, even if yesterday was a setback, it wasn't a catastrophic defeat. This can be moved on from. That long pillow finally came in. Gonna see if it helps any.
It hurts typing that, man. It hurts bad. I... did not focus on the Lord last night. I let some carnal thoughts take root when I should have put them to the sword, and ended up nutting myself to sleep.
However, before I write it off as a total loss, I'd like to put a few things down for if I ever read this again: it could have been much, much worse. I did not take an upstairs shower. I did not look at any P that I know of. I only relapsed once. Today, I admittedly felt off, but nothing compared to the depressive slump I fell into the relapse before this one. I went more wild then, and reaped more for sowing more.
Point being, even if yesterday was a setback, it wasn't a catastrophic defeat. This can be moved on from. That long pillow finally came in. Gonna see if it helps any.
FiveFortyFour
Active Member
Day 0
Well... I still have reason to be optimistic in the face of this relapse.
For starters, it wasn't any of the usual suspects that sank me. I didn't look at any P, I didn't do the shower thing, this wasn't even at bed time. This was just intense middle-of-the-day libido activity. Granted, I don't intend to whitewash what I did, I still chose poorly and stumbled.
But on the bright side, it was another one-and-done slip-up. I still felt tempted throughout the day, but I found ways to keep busy. Reminded myself that, after however-many-thousand MO's, number ten-thousand-and-one is a little unlikely to be the last. Better to stop now.
And on top of that, I managed to keep myself from relapsing twice even after a pretty embarrassing kitchen failure. Long story short, I wasted money and time trying to make red beans and rice and screwing it all up. But I learned what to do and not to do in the future! And, in spite of having every urge to drown my disappointment in another PMO session, I just... didn't.
I'm still messing up, but not as badly as I could be. I realized today that a good picture of what I'm going through is like trying to patch up holes in a leaky pipe. You tape up one hole, and the water pressure inside makes the other holes leak a bit harder. The more I block off my access points to PMO, the more my carnal nature will pressure every possible chink in my armor.
Which leaves the last question... what will I do the next time something like this comes up? Honestly, one thing I haven't done in a while is look at the other threads on the forum
. Seeing other guys talk about their horror stories with this demon gives me good motivation to stay motivated, if that makes any sense. Sometimes I forget how many good reasons there are to fight against this thing to the last; that's when I'm in trouble.
Anyway, if you've read this far, hope you're having a good day, amigo. Stay strong. Vaya con Dios.
Well... I still have reason to be optimistic in the face of this relapse.
For starters, it wasn't any of the usual suspects that sank me. I didn't look at any P, I didn't do the shower thing, this wasn't even at bed time. This was just intense middle-of-the-day libido activity. Granted, I don't intend to whitewash what I did, I still chose poorly and stumbled.
But on the bright side, it was another one-and-done slip-up. I still felt tempted throughout the day, but I found ways to keep busy. Reminded myself that, after however-many-thousand MO's, number ten-thousand-and-one is a little unlikely to be the last. Better to stop now.
And on top of that, I managed to keep myself from relapsing twice even after a pretty embarrassing kitchen failure. Long story short, I wasted money and time trying to make red beans and rice and screwing it all up. But I learned what to do and not to do in the future! And, in spite of having every urge to drown my disappointment in another PMO session, I just... didn't.
I'm still messing up, but not as badly as I could be. I realized today that a good picture of what I'm going through is like trying to patch up holes in a leaky pipe. You tape up one hole, and the water pressure inside makes the other holes leak a bit harder. The more I block off my access points to PMO, the more my carnal nature will pressure every possible chink in my armor.
Which leaves the last question... what will I do the next time something like this comes up? Honestly, one thing I haven't done in a while is look at the other threads on the forum
. Seeing other guys talk about their horror stories with this demon gives me good motivation to stay motivated, if that makes any sense. Sometimes I forget how many good reasons there are to fight against this thing to the last; that's when I'm in trouble.Anyway, if you've read this far, hope you're having a good day, amigo. Stay strong. Vaya con Dios.
FiveFortyFour
Active Member
Day 1
Alright. I've started combing through my old entries from when I was having streaks in the double-digits. Longest I ever went without O was 40 days. I intend to break that record. So far, some things that helped then included cutting twitter (another bad habit I've lapsed back into), being careful in how I handled my emotions and doing self checks, and exercising regularly. All things I have every intent of reintroducing to my schedule and behavior.
I'm also going to take a look at finding different games to play. I've been playing a bit of Cyberpunk lately, and I'm pretty sure it's been making this pursuit more difficult. Shame. Game's fun, but it's also way too spicy. Anyway, had to call in sick from work today. Had temptations. Didn't entertain them. However, unfortunately, some thoughts I let linger and it did make things more difficult. Haven't M'd so far today.
Alright. I've started combing through my old entries from when I was having streaks in the double-digits. Longest I ever went without O was 40 days. I intend to break that record. So far, some things that helped then included cutting twitter (another bad habit I've lapsed back into), being careful in how I handled my emotions and doing self checks, and exercising regularly. All things I have every intent of reintroducing to my schedule and behavior.
I'm also going to take a look at finding different games to play. I've been playing a bit of Cyberpunk lately, and I'm pretty sure it's been making this pursuit more difficult. Shame. Game's fun, but it's also way too spicy. Anyway, had to call in sick from work today. Had temptations. Didn't entertain them. However, unfortunately, some thoughts I let linger and it did make things more difficult. Haven't M'd so far today.
FiveFortyFour
Active Member
Day 1
Now this is just getting embarrassing...
Now this is just getting embarrassing...