Another story - probably the same as everyone else
- Thread starter GBS
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GBS
Respected Member
176 no PMO. 24 no MO.
Was just journaling with @SimonM about the numbers that we all (most of us) supply. After a while the no porn number becomes slightly irrelevant because it’s about learning to cope without and at, say, 100 days, you have learned a great deal. I think those that don’t MO or not much learn more frankly or certainty faster. I think managing the physical side of no MO is the second job. Not sure if that one is the brain’s job to learn. I mean everything is the brain but not sure if it’s the same area as the porn bit.
Was just journaling with @SimonM about the numbers that we all (most of us) supply. After a while the no porn number becomes slightly irrelevant because it’s about learning to cope without and at, say, 100 days, you have learned a great deal. I think those that don’t MO or not much learn more frankly or certainty faster. I think managing the physical side of no MO is the second job. Not sure if that one is the brain’s job to learn. I mean everything is the brain but not sure if it’s the same area as the porn bit.
GBS
Respected Member
177 no PMO and 25 no MO.
Saw one of oldest friends last night (as in friend for longest duration). He’s a professor of psychology so he has something to say on the whole subject. I told him my whole story. He’s fairly no nonsense.
Firstly he says all addiction is a symptom not a cause. I am digging into my causes.
Second he was utterly astonished when I told him that I was having sex twice a month (which we were) after 10 years of marriage. He said why not three times a week. He didn’t quite say - not surprised you turned to porn, but that was the inference.
Don’t get me wrong, this has not confused me and there is no justification just interesting to hear a semi academic view that wasn’t quite what I was expecting. He asked why we’re not having sex after 6 months of therapy. I said because my wife is too upset . He said he got it, but wondered if it might cure things. Why deny yourself pleasure, he said. I said it’s obviously way more complicated and the hurt is deep. But he was incredibly supportive and said that we’re doing the right thing.
Still a strange evening.
Saw one of oldest friends last night (as in friend for longest duration). He’s a professor of psychology so he has something to say on the whole subject. I told him my whole story. He’s fairly no nonsense.
Firstly he says all addiction is a symptom not a cause. I am digging into my causes.
Second he was utterly astonished when I told him that I was having sex twice a month (which we were) after 10 years of marriage. He said why not three times a week. He didn’t quite say - not surprised you turned to porn, but that was the inference.
Don’t get me wrong, this has not confused me and there is no justification just interesting to hear a semi academic view that wasn’t quite what I was expecting. He asked why we’re not having sex after 6 months of therapy. I said because my wife is too upset . He said he got it, but wondered if it might cure things. Why deny yourself pleasure, he said. I said it’s obviously way more complicated and the hurt is deep. But he was incredibly supportive and said that we’re doing the right thing.
Still a strange evening.
TakeActionNow
Respected Member
Hi GBS, hope you're doing very well. So sorry I posted on your page after reading thinking it was mine. I'm getting clumsy!
The nice thing about professors is that they are very well read and see more odd cases than us.
I enjoy hearing their stories and reflect upon mine. Generally I feel better about myself afterwards cos the cases they cite are usually quite extreme, and my story pales in comparison.
I think it's good to open up to others, as we find strength in ourselves through explaining our efforts and exploring possibilities. A supportive friend is always good to have.
Anyway, your life is unique to you, and deep down you know what's good for you and what you need to do.
This reboot is good for us.
We are finally coming back to ourselves!
The nice thing about professors is that they are very well read and see more odd cases than us.
I enjoy hearing their stories and reflect upon mine. Generally I feel better about myself afterwards cos the cases they cite are usually quite extreme, and my story pales in comparison.
I think it's good to open up to others, as we find strength in ourselves through explaining our efforts and exploring possibilities. A supportive friend is always good to have.
Anyway, your life is unique to you, and deep down you know what's good for you and what you need to do.
This reboot is good for us.
We are finally coming back to ourselves!
PrometheusUnbound
Active Member
It's great you are able to share with people in person and also get support!
GBS
Respected Member
Thanks @TakeActionNow and @PrometheusUnbound
It feels wholesome saying it all to others aside from my therapist. I feel as though this keeps me grounded and there is more accountability. I think my friend doesn’t really understand the partners situation so I ignore his words on that really. I feel as though I am getting closer to truly understanding how my wife feels but perhaps I never will completely. I read a lot and the various partners who contribute on RN are very helpful. I think it’s an essential part of my recovery that I do my utmost to comprehend what I have done. From a selfish point of view it keeps me focussed on my need never to do it again, and from an empathetic point of view I need to understand how hurt my wife is so that I can help make her better. I will always be there for her. She says it’s very nice to know that.
I don’t think she directs her anger at me anymore. It’s more at porn. That’s a move in the right direction. As porn gets further away from me so does the direction of her pain. I know she loves me and hates the porn. Together we will beat it.
It feels wholesome saying it all to others aside from my therapist. I feel as though this keeps me grounded and there is more accountability. I think my friend doesn’t really understand the partners situation so I ignore his words on that really. I feel as though I am getting closer to truly understanding how my wife feels but perhaps I never will completely. I read a lot and the various partners who contribute on RN are very helpful. I think it’s an essential part of my recovery that I do my utmost to comprehend what I have done. From a selfish point of view it keeps me focussed on my need never to do it again, and from an empathetic point of view I need to understand how hurt my wife is so that I can help make her better. I will always be there for her. She says it’s very nice to know that.
I don’t think she directs her anger at me anymore. It’s more at porn. That’s a move in the right direction. As porn gets further away from me so does the direction of her pain. I know she loves me and hates the porn. Together we will beat it.
GBS
Respected Member
178 no porn. 26 no masturbation.
Coming up on 6 months clean. I know that will induce your kind congratulations, but really I still feel like I have to be as wary today as I was back in March. But 6 months has taught me SO much.
Not hiding things, even if there is massive fallout - is so important. Number one.
Being accountable and therefore being more of a man. Just revelatory.
Staying away from pornography. Easy and difficult. But so wonderful to be free. If there are some toxic masculinity sides of my character downplaying the issue initially, they left very fast.
Masturbating way less - wow this is tricky, but I am learning so much by doing it Less and currently not at all.
A word on my wife. And the partners. I don’t want to be back where I was in March ever again. It was horrific. My wife has stuck by me and I in turn have done so much to mend myself and our relationship. I have to go forwards, not forgetting the past, but forgiving myself for it. Those were my wife’s words. She doesn’t want anything except progress. Occasionally I wallow in self pity. She says she doesn’t and she has more reason to than I, so no point. We move on. I hope she wears a tight top today - wink emoji.
Coming up on 6 months clean. I know that will induce your kind congratulations, but really I still feel like I have to be as wary today as I was back in March. But 6 months has taught me SO much.
Not hiding things, even if there is massive fallout - is so important. Number one.
Being accountable and therefore being more of a man. Just revelatory.
Staying away from pornography. Easy and difficult. But so wonderful to be free. If there are some toxic masculinity sides of my character downplaying the issue initially, they left very fast.
Masturbating way less - wow this is tricky, but I am learning so much by doing it Less and currently not at all.
A word on my wife. And the partners. I don’t want to be back where I was in March ever again. It was horrific. My wife has stuck by me and I in turn have done so much to mend myself and our relationship. I have to go forwards, not forgetting the past, but forgiving myself for it. Those were my wife’s words. She doesn’t want anything except progress. Occasionally I wallow in self pity. She says she doesn’t and she has more reason to than I, so no point. We move on. I hope she wears a tight top today - wink emoji.
Simon2
Well-Known Member
You've come a long way. The rewards of this journey are amazing! Your journal, and so many others, really displays how this is so much about self discovery, about accountability not just to our partners but to ourselves. When we stop telling ourselves lies, the world opens up.
Why didn't I realize this when I was younger? We could have had many more years of inner freedom... But we shall make the best of every moment going forward!
Why didn't I realize this when I was younger? We could have had many more years of inner freedom... But we shall make the best of every moment going forward!
GBS
Respected Member
179 days no PMO and 27 days no MO.
Really not much to report. I have accepted in my mind that there is a long way to go before intimacy returns. That used to be a devastating thought. It is still difficult but I am calmer in how I deal with it. I have a feeling that the calmer I am and the desperation levels down, the quicker the return will be.
And I am roughly a third of the way through the hard mode reboot. But that’s just a personal challenge because I have MO’d so infrequently in my 6 months I think my brain knows I am playing hard ball here.
Really not much to report. I have accepted in my mind that there is a long way to go before intimacy returns. That used to be a devastating thought. It is still difficult but I am calmer in how I deal with it. I have a feeling that the calmer I am and the desperation levels down, the quicker the return will be.
And I am roughly a third of the way through the hard mode reboot. But that’s just a personal challenge because I have MO’d so infrequently in my 6 months I think my brain knows I am playing hard ball here.
GBS
Respected Member
Cheers Nico. Early on I read a short book about hard mode. It was quite a religious book which I don’t mind but I get a bit “meh” about the slightly superior tone (of the book, not those who quote) - the book actually could have been about three sentences long. Here’s my summary:
Gents, it may seem natural to masturbate but actually it’s better if you save yourself for a woman. That’s going to be really difficult because you’ve probably not done that before ever. Here’s how you do it: just do it!
Gents, it may seem natural to masturbate but actually it’s better if you save yourself for a woman. That’s going to be really difficult because you’ve probably not done that before ever. Here’s how you do it: just do it!
GBS
Respected Member
180 days no PMO. 28 days no MO. I am such a fraud. I say the numbers are meaningless but I still use them and love them.
No progress in anything except the numbers going up. No urges. Not sure if this is good old flatline again or just another day going past. I do wonder if I lived on my own whether I would have the discipline. I hope my life doesn’t get to that point but it most certainly could. My wife’s recovery seems to be flat. I ask if she’s fine and she says she is. I ask if she wants to talk and she says no. We carry on.
I do get morning glory and wake up with a certain amount of sex on my mind. I wonder if that’s because of my MO abstinence or just normal male stuff. I will ask my therapist this week.
Keep going brothers and sisters.
No progress in anything except the numbers going up. No urges. Not sure if this is good old flatline again or just another day going past. I do wonder if I lived on my own whether I would have the discipline. I hope my life doesn’t get to that point but it most certainly could. My wife’s recovery seems to be flat. I ask if she’s fine and she says she is. I ask if she wants to talk and she says no. We carry on.
I do get morning glory and wake up with a certain amount of sex on my mind. I wonder if that’s because of my MO abstinence or just normal male stuff. I will ask my therapist this week.
Keep going brothers and sisters.
Blondie
Respected Member
Hang in there GBS. It might be the flatline or maybe not, and your body is just recovering. Also, I know when I've refrained from orgasming for a month or two, my body just stops thinking about it ALL the time - and this takes forever to get use to and makes you think something is wrong.
Remember, when you've been living in fantasyland, the real world feels wrong.
Sorry to hear about the progress with your wife.
Best
Remember, when you've been living in fantasyland, the real world feels wrong.
This is natural.
Sorry to hear about the progress with your wife.
Best
GBS
Respected Member
Thanks @Blondie - I think The slow or non existent progress of my wife’s recovery is really just my spin on it. She doesn’t want or need the pressure of me asking where she’s at, but we agreed we’d check in every few days or so and if there’s nothing to report maybe that’s actually progress - just can seem as though we’re standing still.
I have had some feedback over these months from @Gracie who is incredibly helpful both in letting me understand the female perspective and how 6 months for instance is not a ton of time. It obviously isn’t and it is depending on where you sit. Most importantly things are just way better than they were, so we rejoice at that. Being a serial writer on here I get to be a day to day watcher of course and that tunes one into the present like nothing ever has. Keeping myself present but my expectations more future is a trick, but I am learning it.
I asked her today if she trusts me and she said she was getting there. So I will hang onto that one big time.
I have had some feedback over these months from @Gracie who is incredibly helpful both in letting me understand the female perspective and how 6 months for instance is not a ton of time. It obviously isn’t and it is depending on where you sit. Most importantly things are just way better than they were, so we rejoice at that. Being a serial writer on here I get to be a day to day watcher of course and that tunes one into the present like nothing ever has. Keeping myself present but my expectations more future is a trick, but I am learning it.
I asked her today if she trusts me and she said she was getting there. So I will hang onto that one big time.
GBS
Respected Member
Day 181, and 29 days no MO.
I am not one to talk about my penis too much, but I wish I’d measured it back in March because I am certain it’s bigger both in length and girth. I wonder if this is a trick of the mind or whether it’s actually a product of the reboot. I won’t give the length and girth measurements - I don’t want them queuing round the block….ha ha!! Anyone else weigh in?
Had nice chat with wife yesterday. She said her classic line “I just want you to be happy” I said I will be if you come back to me because you’re the one”. She said she thought I didn’t know if that was true..
An odd argument ensued where I said she can’t know what I am feeling. Obviously it’s now just about taking a very scary step for her. She’s petrified. Her therapist gives her an easy out by saying you’re still just coping because 6 months is nothing. It means she can tread water. I get it. But if it ultimately is just a case of putting off the job of facing the truth, why not now? She flashed me a big smile later and we hugged and I told her that she was going to have the best 20 years of her life. So it ended well and I won’t apply pressure today.
I am not one to talk about my penis too much, but I wish I’d measured it back in March because I am certain it’s bigger both in length and girth. I wonder if this is a trick of the mind or whether it’s actually a product of the reboot. I won’t give the length and girth measurements - I don’t want them queuing round the block….ha ha!! Anyone else weigh in?
Had nice chat with wife yesterday. She said her classic line “I just want you to be happy” I said I will be if you come back to me because you’re the one”. She said she thought I didn’t know if that was true..
An odd argument ensued where I said she can’t know what I am feeling. Obviously it’s now just about taking a very scary step for her. She’s petrified. Her therapist gives her an easy out by saying you’re still just coping because 6 months is nothing. It means she can tread water. I get it. But if it ultimately is just a case of putting off the job of facing the truth, why not now? She flashed me a big smile later and we hugged and I told her that she was going to have the best 20 years of her life. So it ended well and I won’t apply pressure today.
PrometheusUnbound
Active Member
That does sound like progress.
And numbers, aren't completely meaningless. They are a marker and proof of keeping to your resolve.
I think you are doing great. Keep up the good work!
And numbers, aren't completely meaningless. They are a marker and proof of keeping to your resolve.
I think you are doing great. Keep up the good work!