Another story - probably the same as everyone else

GBS

Well-Known Member
There is definitely more than one version of flatline I can tell you.

There’s Normal flatline where you feel nothing really, like you’re almost asexual but you know you could probably get an urge and a trigger is round the corner.
And there’s Super flatline: all the above but not even a twinkle of an urge. You could watch a couple having sex on tv and your penis would stay at its little shrivelled up self. Libido at minus 2, and you have this very mild concern that everyone else’s success stories may just not apply to you, or if they do apply then it’s going to be a very tough hill to climb, especially when there’s no guarantee of getting it all back (and more).
For the avoidance of doubt I am in Super flatline mode.

Keep going I hear you say. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
80 days no PMO. 40 days no MO. Good numbers but as I said before this isn’t about some fictional goal where you get off at the top. This is a life changing discipline that will be my maxim. The no MO forever will be a tough gig because it will require sex at some point. I will NEVER go back to the ugly poison that is pornography. I know that for sure, The MO is about control of well-being. Did God intend for us to slip away and gratify ourselves or did he think that doing it with someone else was best? Hmmmmm.
 

Gooner

Member
Well done & the urges with your with small steps that they are, are still steps in the right direction
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
82 days no PMO and 42 days no MO.

My wife and I told the kids yesterday. That was hard but ultimately very rewarding. I thought they would handle it and they were superb. I almost feel elated at having got through that. And I also feel guilty that I got 90% of their sympathy and my poor wife got way less. They don’t understand her hurt of course (kids are early twenties and late teens) but it’s odd to feel better and worse at the same time.

Meanwhile back in the world of recovery my flatline shows no sign of changing. I know it will and this is a tough phase where you had got used to making noticeable changes but now seemingly not. Actually and obviously there are changes going on, just not being rewarded. I shall obviously persevere.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
GBS, brave of you to share with your family. The more you bring the addiction out of the shadows, the more it will wither in the bright light. (That's melodramatic, but true! :giggle: )
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Thanks @TryingHarder it was a big moment, and the cliche is right….it’s never as bad as you imagine. The pressure on me to steer the right course is obviously now greater, but that’s a good thing.

I am thinking of dropping my day counting. Can’t see that 9- days is somehow the answer. Forever is the answer for porn but let’s do that day by day. The no MO is trickier. 90 days may work, but 80 days may too, or maybe 120 is needed. I just don’t know.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Hey GBS!

Yes the counter is a personal thing. I particularly like it because it keeps me accountable and since I blew it once after 500 days, I feel I haven't got myself out of this yet until I pass that goal and move on past two years. But who knows, maybe I'll stop before that.

Just do whatever seems right to you because in the end only one thing matters, no porn!

Keep on keeping on.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Thanks @Blondie - although you slightly make my point when you fell off ( I presume just one instance) after 500 days clear. Too depressing for me. By the way 500 days is awesome- but all I would say is if you go the rest of your life without porn but you fall off half a dozen times, you will have kicked this habit.

No more porn is the goal as you say. Fight hard
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
I saw you referred to your age. My husband and we’re around 60 when I discovered. We also agreed our kids should know. All boys. It was rough going. I was very devastated. Good for you doing the right thing!
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Thanks @Gracie. The male perspective on the partner devastation is probably something that varies a lot. There will be some who think their wives should just move on….come on get a grip, every man on earth watches porn, it’s normal behaviour these days. But I know that my wife is really really hurting. I know what I am doing is right and she has been so wonderful in taking time out from her own recovery to tell me that I am changing. So the progress is slow and that’s the way it should be as I also slowly recover myself and I grow daily more aware of how I devastated my wife. My increased understanding and awareness brings us closer and helps us both.

I am twice the man I was 3 months ago. There are so many men and women out there with some form of porn addiction and they’re keeping it from their partners. The married ones will be damaging their relationships hugely. But I am an optimist because the new person I have become is a vast improvement on the old one. So oddly I am glad this all came out because being open about is part of how I recover and become this better new person. The downside was/is the pain and suffering of my darling wife- and that’s the problem right there. We have not recovered yet and my wife has not made any promises. She could tell me she can’t cope any day….and she could just end it all. That would be devastating for me, but how can I possibly complain. We going through this together but we don’t know we’ll succeed because to succeed we need us both to recover.
 

Gracie

Moderator
Staff member
Moderator
The one thing I know from my situation is with my husband and I working together it made two working together which is twice as many as one. The book Love You Hate the Porn by Mark Chamberlain and Geoff Steurer is the book that most helped us understand what was going on. Great book. It helped us both understand the other.
 

GrateClips

Active Member
Thanks @Gracie. The male perspective on the partner devastation is probably something that varies a lot. There will be some who think their wives should just move on….come on get a grip, every man on earth watches porn, it’s normal behaviour these days. But I know that my wife is really really hurting. I know what I am doing is right and she has been so wonderful in taking time out from her own recovery to tell me that I am changing. So the progress is slow and that’s the way it should be as I also slowly recover myself and I grow daily more aware of how I devastated my wife. My increased understanding and awareness brings us closer and helps us both.

I am twice the man I was 3 months ago. There are so many men and women out there with some form of porn addiction and they’re keeping it from their partners. The married ones will be damaging their relationships hugely. But I am an optimist because the new person I have become is a vast improvement on the old one. So oddly I am glad this all came out because being open about is part of how I recover and become this better new person. The downside was/is the pain and suffering of my darling wife- and that’s the problem right there. We have not recovered yet and my wife has not made any promises. She could tell me she can’t cope any day….and she could just end it all. That would be devastating for me, but how can I possibly complain. We going through this together but we don’t know we’ll succeed because to succeed we need us both to recover.

i really like your story and your honesty/vulnerability. i am younger than you and know what it feels like to look at/be attracted to other women. heck all of are here, that is just how men are wired (!) but women are not wired that way and it really hurts them when they realize you do not think of them as number 1.

You're getting close to day 90 which is a huge accomplishment.

I would say this to you. I think your wife still loves you deep down. She would have left if she hadn't. I think she probably also would want to be with you again sexually too but she's probably deciding if its worth the emotional risk of you relapsing.

Just keep working on this and working on your self too, mentally physically emotionally. Its been often said that as a man starts to work on himself he displays a different aura. Women of all sorts of stripes can pick up on this. Your own wife too. I think she will if you self improve start to view you differently. Right now she is hoping/rooting for you to do so (but she'll never tell you - women always try to keep the man guessing when it comes to sex its a huge bargaining chip for them in a relationship).

Its also been said and I can attest to this personally, that if you self improve and other women notice, temptations can start there to.

Be careful and keep journaling
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
We’ll now @GrateClips - that is very kind of you to write, and some truly perceptive things. All very worth reading. Also to @Gracie above I am so thrilled to have a female follower. I mean that in thee most sincere way of course.

I will be very careful and I like the new me so I am carrying on. Going to explore the fascinating world of “triggers” with my therapist and the alleged dormant state of my addiction recovery. Being 90 days clean would appear to be (just) a good start.

Keep writing friends. You helped me make a start.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
I said I would stop with the counting but I am nearing a milestone.

86 says no PMO. 46 DAYS NO MO.

It’s just numbers. In 86 days I have masturbated three times I think and my 46 days hard core reboot is the longest abstinence since I was about 13 years old. So I like the numbers from a nostalgia perspective. Also 46 days hard core is more than half way to 90. I will make it. I know I will. Because I have three vital things: 1. A supportive and forgiving wife, 2. A love of the new me, and 3. You guys helping me
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Just a journal note (if I read this back) that I had a massive return of my libido today like a switch going on. But this was not accompanied by large erection, although there was some definite stirring. So maybe I am not so flatlining now. The downside was that I had a good conversation with wife where she said that her issue now is truly believing my words when I say it’s her I lust after. She said she has to take a risk, but we were talking like lovers and I thought there was sexual tension and the outside chance of some light touching. That was roundly turned down WSOP I feel about as frustrated as it’s possible to feel. This is tricky.

I won’t give up. I am Getting Better Slowly.
 
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