Edit:
I'm going to copy and paste this and put it on my "vomiting thoughts" thread. I think I might start journaling a bit more and this will fit well there.
@GBS This is the tricky part - not causing a trigger for your partner. It's like walking through a mine field. Somethings are obvious triggers, others you have know idea exist until they blowup in your face. We had a situation this past weekend where my husband said something that really set me back.
The reality is (from my perspective) there are going to be frustrations for both the addict as well as their partner.
We were out having a good night with friends. Someone said something and it caused my husband to laugh real hard and then turned into a discussion that (in my opinion) he was WAY too interested it - doesn't seem like a problem right? The problem was, what was said, was a trigger for me but was funny to my husband. Fact is, prior to knowing about his addiction I would have laughed at it too and engaged in the discussion. How in the world would he know it would trigger me?
Fast forward, when we left I blasted him. This turned into a major quarrel, ending with him saying something like "with all the stuff you put me through and all your shit I put up with......." (referring my neediness since finding out about the P - my questioning behaviors, calling him while traveling at crazy hours of the night, etc).
I get it, he's over tired and frustrated (I hope that's all it is), but when he said those words what I heard was "I don't feel bad about what I've done and you need to get over it". What I felt was "here is a man who really doesn't see the damage he's done and doesn't really care". It made me feel like the trust I was allowing to creep in was really me being fooled again.
This was 3 days ago. I've had some time to gain perspective. We show our worst selves when we are tired and stressed. I NEED him to be perfect right now, but that is unrealistic. I realize he is trying hard. The fact he is trying, should speak volumes, but it also speaks loud when he negates the positive he's done. Tricky reality at the moment. Do I trust him? No. Is hope lost? No.
I hope things continue to progress with your wife.