Another story - probably the same as everyone else

[Androg]

490 days no PMO
42 days no MO

Very little of note to discuss. Libido is weird though. I get days where it’s so high, like last Sunday when I was just watching her walk round the house, and then yesterday I remember being ambivalent about sex. Will discuss this and my issues with my therapist later.

Enjoy! Contentment is the state of not feeling needy. Buddha taught that suffering is caused by desires.

 

[GBS]

I'll be interested to know if he has any insight about this, but my experience is that it's pretty normal for it to fluctuate like that. The average level is higher if it's been awhile, but even so the level goes up and down because of energy, relationship, stress, etc., and sometimes for no evident reason at all.

Cheers @Percival - my therapist (she, by the way) said that libido is a strange thing. It can rage in an 80 year and be dormant in an 18 year old. But those would be exceptions of course. For a man like me who probably masturbated twice a week and watched porn more than that, then to give up porn cold turkey and go for long stretches of time without MO’ing, the brain is still hyper confused. She said it’s entirely possible that my massive libido swings are related to my 6 weeks no MO, but there’s no hard and fast rule. Sorry it isn’t clearer than that. But she said it will come back, that’s for sure. Pheweeeee…..

and thanks @Androg …hmm, I am less needy than I was 6-9 months ago, way less. But I am still needy. What I am is calm. Serenity you are my mate.

 

[GBS]

491 days.

Good therapy yesterday. Much focus on how being apart can be good. Also how we compartmentalise people i.e. there’s just two GBS’s. There’s this new GBS who is kind and caring and genuinely 50% of the marriage and fun to be with and decent…..and there’s the old GBS who didn’t seem to care really and carried on life in his own bubble and was a pretence of a husband and though he was a good person just wasn’t actually present. My wife can still remember the old one. It doesn’t take much to be triggered into remembering him. It’s not an accusation that I am still partly him, it’s just human nature to forgive but not forget.

And this state of affairs is of course way too simple an analysis. There aren’t 2 GBS’s. There’s either just one, or there are hundreds. We’re all complicated humans. Even the ones who don’t watch porn are not good company all the time. Where am I going with this? Well, being apart, which we shall be for about 20 days of the next 30 (because my wife will be in the US), will likely exacerbate this compartmentalised me, and with any luck it will emphasise the person she’s missing. I talked through the time apart with Mrs GBS without giving the therapist’s theory and Mrs GBS nearly said the same thing. She said last time she was away it was easier to see the difference in me. We have discussed how her going away might actually help, but intuitively she didn’t want to. But now she sort of has to go (unwell mother), it’s an oddly nice reality.

This doesn’t mean the next month will be all good, it just has promise.

Gentlemen we persevere.

 

[GBS]

492 days no PMO
44 days (approx) no MO

I think I know the issue for my wife. Just harping back to what I said yesterday, there’s the new nice me and there’s the old me that my wife would rather forget. I think the thought of having sex with me triggers her memory of the old me. In fact it’s pretty obvious that’s the problem. So it’s psychological. I feel sorry for her if this is the case, but fairly sure it is.

Have a good weekend all and please don’t watch porn.

 

[GBS]

493 days no porn
45 days no MO

All very quiet here. Had a call from a chap I know from SAA meetings. He is in the early stages of recovery. He had one important question for me. I was on tenterhooks. We exchanged pleasantries and then he asked “what your best tip for dealing with “blue balls” ?” I didn’t laugh, it just seemed a big build up…..anyway I said blue balls is odd. I git it in the first two months but not much thereafter although I did get it for 30 mins just the other day! My top tip is nothing original….leaving aside cold shower or cold bath, I said run your hands under some truly cold water then hold your balls. It’s not a fail safe method but i worked for me.

Stay clean gentlemen

 

[Androg]

493 days no porn
45 days no MO

All very quiet here. Had a call from a chap I know from SAA meetings. He is in the early stages of recovery. He had one important question for me. I was on tenterhooks. We exchanged pleasantries and then he asked “what your best tip for dealing with “blue balls” ?” I didn’t laugh, it just seemed a big build up…..anyway I said blue balls is odd. I git it in the first two months but not much thereafter although I did get it for 30 mins just the other day! My top tip is nothing original….leaving aside cold shower or cold bath, I said run your hands under some truly cold water then hold your balls. It’s not a fail safe method but i worked for me.

Stay clean gentlemen

That’s a good tip. I never heard of that.

Another approach is to take a warm bath. I’ve seen people report that both cold and warmth
can offer relief.

 

[Beautiful1973]

I think I know the issue for my wife. Just harping back to what I said yesterday, there’s the new nice me and there’s the old me that my wife would rather forget. I think the thought of having sex with me triggers her memory of the old me. In fact it’s pretty obvious that’s the problem. So it’s psychological. I feel sorry for her if this is the case, but fairly sure it is.

I wonder how she can ever move past that? Ester Perel talks about moving forward after betrayal, as the original relationship is gone, you can’t get it back, and that you are starting a new relationship.

 

[TryingHarder]

For a man like me who probably masturbated twice a week and watched porn more than that, then to give up porn cold turkey and go for long stretches of time without MO’ing, the brain is still hyper confused.

Indeed - this is what's happening to me now. What I used to think of as "libido" was just my brain warped by a porn addiction. Even now - more than a year clean - when my so-called libido kicks in, I realize that it's not about being aroused by a real woman, it's still about depression and addiction and wanting to find relief through masturbation. Sigh...

 

[Androg]

Indeed - this is what's happening to me now. What I used to think of as "libido" was just my brain warped by a porn addiction. Even now - more than a year clean - when my so-called libido kicks in, I realize that it's not about being aroused by a real woman, it's still about depression and addiction and wanting to find relief through masturbation. Sigh...

Stay optimistic

 

[Gracie]

Also it is hard to get rid of the fear. If it was a revelation to her I.e. surprise!, she may not know what changed that made you addicted. Not many people reveal all their trauma and weirdness if they can keep it hidden. So without knowing, it feels very real that it could happen again.
That makes it hard to jump in for a lot of people. Especially if there have been trust issues before in their life.

 

[GBS]

494 days porn free
46 days no MO

Thanks all.

Another approach is to take a warm bath. I’ve seen people report that both cold and warmth
can offer relief.

I will tell my mate, thanks @Androg

I wonder how she can ever move past that? Ester Perel talks about moving forward after betrayal, as the original relationship is gone, you can’t get it back, and that you are starting a new relationship.

And to you @Beautiful1973 - I thought you’d gone for good, celebrating your big Five Oh. Yes, I think it’s truly about a new relationship. How exciting is that? I am not scared anymore of her reticence and being stuck. It’s her problem now. I would do anything to help her, but I am not sure what I can do. I think it’s just being reliable and putting her first. At one level that can seem highly frustrating I.e. what’s in it for me right now? But as she is seeming happy, I think she’s trying as hard as she can. I am not scared because I am not hiding anything. This should exude confidence in the relationship…in fact I think it does. So we just carry on and hope she can move on.

What I used to think of as "libido" was just my brain warped by a porn addiction. Even now - more than a year clean - when my so-called libido kicks in, I realize that it's not about being aroused by a real woman, it's still about depression and addiction and wanting to find relief through masturbation.

Hey @TryingHarder - I think Droggers is right. Let’s not put negative spin on our lust levels. I too am confused at the moment. Last time I was at a month and a half no MO I think my libido was raging daily. But now I am pretty calm. I am not sure I like calm because of course, like all us addicts, we were so used to what we thought was a high sex drive and constant raging libido….but actually our sex drives were most likely just the same as everyone else’s but we just conditioned ourselves act to think about sex too often. I think we do have genuine libido after a year clean but we possibly don’t know what’s real anymore. All of us in this boat probably could do with a prescription of chill pills.

Wife is on a plane. No I am not tempted to MO. I do need to do stuff though, that helps.

 

[GBS]

Sorry, just seen yours @Gracie - thanks.

Also it is hard to get rid of the fear. If it was a revelation to her I.e. surprise!, she may not know what changed that made you addicted. Not many people reveal all their trauma and weirdness if they can keep it hidden. So without knowing, it feels very real that it could happen again.

Inevitably without telling you everything I can’t quite pigeonhole my wife as someone who was “surprised” but you’re probably right that however well I behave now, she still thinks there’s a chance I will regress. But when we last had a heart to heart about Her being away (which she is now), She asked if I was worried. I said about what? She said being tempted to watch porn or hang with ladies. I said (in a calm way) that I was nearly 500 days clean and if I ever got any moments of an urge I returned to my mantra, which is I just don’t want to be that person I was ever again. She said she liked that.

It doesn’t necessarily mean she can move on and trust me……well she hasn’t so far so not sure why now……but it is a good sign.

Nice to hear from you by the way. There are not enough partners on here. It’s ok, I know.

 

[Gracie]

Funny you would say to her I don’t ever want to be that person again, those are the words my husband says to me when I have what is best described as “a cloudy day”. Those words help each time he says them.

 

[GBS]

Funny you would say to her I don’t ever want to be that person again, those are the words my husband says to me when I have what is best described as “a cloudy day”. Those words help each time he says them.

Cheers @Gracie - that is heartening really. I empathise with cloudy days. I have seen my wife experience them.

We persevere.

 

[GBS]

495 days no porn
47 days no ejaculation

I was on YouTube last night. Obviously it suggests things to watch based on your history. I have no problem with that. It suggested a Ted Talk entitled “Let’s talk porn” delivered by Dr Maria Ahlin. It was a bit dry but it was educational. I don’t have a central point here, or if I do it’s this: her focus was on the statistical analysis that says that 90% of porn includes acts of aggression and women allegedly cumming when men are basically abusing women. It made me think…..did I get off to that sort of thing? I don’t think so, but just possibly. But this isn’t about me, this is about 10 year old boys getting access to porn and finding this stuff and being brain washed.

Being brain washed - now that was me. Really wanting something that I possibly didn’t actually “like”.

Stay clean guys. Porn is horribly bad for you.

 

[Blondie]

Good points @GBS.

I can always congratulate myself on watching "clean porn" but the fact is, even just regular porn is so fucked up, that there's nothing to be proud of when you stop to think about it. And what is more, what I thought was clean, had changed and modified as the years went by, so yes, it was house utterly built on a sandy foundation.

Stay clean guys. Porn is horribly bad for you.

Amen

Best

 

[GBS]

496 days sober
48 no ejaculation

All quiet here. Wife dealing with sick mother in US. I think it might be an understatement to say my mother in law is not a perfect patient.

Someone at SAA asked me last night whether my wife being away brought any heightened urges or temptations. I think the honest answer is “very slightly” but negligible. I ain’t breaking my near 500 day streak that’s for sure. Could I dream up a fantasy and do an MO? I could but I won’t because I like that streak too.

In my YouTube moments yesterday I watched one of those Dr Trish Leigh ones on masturbation, what’s healthy, what’s not. That lady speaks well but I was yelling at my laptop when she calmly said “of course masturbation is fine if it’s not secretive, not to porn or fantasy” No shit. This message is everything right there. - so according to Trish, Semen retention is not ideal. It’s ok and better than bad masturbation, but we all need a healthy sex life. Again no shit, lady. It was a bit of an odd one because as a therapist she must know what percentage of masturbation happens to porn, or to fantasy……like 99.99% of it, right? So masturbation is fine just not the way that 9,999 people out of 10,000 are doing it. Needs a bit more light shed on that one I think, Trish.

I think Trish is basically saying that monk mode is best. When you’ve freed your brain from fantasy and porn memories then you can wank mindfully, but until then just have sex with your partner and if you can’t do that and masturbate mindfully, do nothing.

And so we persevere.

 

[Beautiful1973]

@GBS is your Wife curious about the masturbation topic and how you have managed to navigate nearly 500 days without sex & intimacy with her?
What’s your thoughts on ‘secretive’ masturbation?

 

[GBS]

is your Wife curious about the masturbation topic and how you have managed to navigate nearly 500 days without sex & intimacy with her?
What’s your thoughts on ‘secretive’ masturbation?

Hi @Beautiful1973 - She didn’t actually say a word about either the no masturbation thing nor the 500 (nearly) day streak. I would say she is impressed and those facts gave her comfort that her being away won’t in any way hinder progress. But she didn’t say anything about them, she keeps her cards pretty close to her (ample) chest. I am used to her silence on this honestly.

Secret masturbation - to be honest I think secret masturbation is what most men do, those in a relationship I mean. I mean, apart from mutual masturbation, who on earth says to their other half “just nipping to the bathroom for a quick wank, see you later”? So I think secret masturbation is not shameful but it is a shame. I think the perfect sexual relationship only has masturbating in front of each other, or you have enough sex anyway that you don’t need to. It may not be the same for women, but if a man needs to masturbate and instead of doing so he can make love, then he’s probably going to survive until the next love making time. Obviously we older men don’t have the daily build up, so waiting a few days could and possibly should be fine.

All this said, the perfect sexual relationship may be difficult to get. Not being in any way bored sexually I might suggest is a rare thing after, say, 20 years. A man or a woman, who after a couple of dry weeks finds themselves climbing the walls in frustration would hopefully make that clear to their partner but I’m guessing that doesn’t always end up right, or they don’t actually make their frustrations clear (for any number of potentially valid reasons), and they have a secret self love session, their frustration goes away, there’s no awkward conversation with the risk of rejection and everyone carries on. I don’t know what percentage of relationships I have just described, but it could be high.

 

[GBS]

Oh… @Beautiful1973 - you asked how I have survived 500 days no sex and no intimacy. I don’t have a short answer. Actually I am not sure I know except for the more ethereal reasons of belief it would come right in the end, bloodymindedness, and a fairly large dose of will power.