Another story - probably the same as everyone else

Androg

Androg

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I'll just add that all ejaculations are not the same in their effect. I regard that assumption as a myth. Masturbation is not as nourishing and beneficial as intercourse.

As seldom as you are currently ejaculating, friend GBS, this observation is virtually meaningless. But anyone reading this who believes they need to ejaculate frequently via masturbation for whatever reason this article may be of interest: Rethinking the Wonders of Adult Masturbation (2012)
 
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GBS

GBS

Respected Member
497 days sober
49 days no ejaculation

Cheers @Androg - I read that myth busting article. Myth 1….I never intuitively or otherwise thought that was the case anyway…that “you can’t cut back on masturbation without harming yourself” (I am laughing here and sighing) but very obviously I agree that if it is a myth it’s just ridiculous. Thanks again friend.

It’s obviously very easy to do almost endless reading and YouTube video watching on the whole subject of porn and masturbation. I don’t think what I have read conflicts with other sources, but of course no two articles are the same. That said, I do think there can be confusion as to the messages one reads. I am not about to clear it all up, don’t worry, I’m not that level of narcissist!

What I would say is this, or at least this clearly works for me. I have to own the reasons why I was the person I was. I am done with the shame of that. It was embarrassing. It was unhealthy. It made me way less of a man. I need to help my wife get over it. The reasons I did it are mine, they could be very similar if not identical to millions of others born in the early 60s. I wasn;t inadequate, I wasn’t lonely or an outcast, I was however the product of a marriage that broke up - my parents split when I was 13….but I think I can delve too deeply into all that for the need to blame someone else. I think that’s a) a waste of time, and b) avoiding the responsibility or desperately trying to make it not my fault which isn’t a heavy burden anymore anyway.

I think b) is my point here. The blessed freedom I have from not masturbating (or watching porn) has given beautiful clarity to the problem. It was my fault, I did it. In the process I hurt myself, became less lovely and as a result made other people’s lives less lovely too (See points a) and b) above). Whether or not my wife knew and had a view on whether my porn consumption was acceptable to her is totally and completely irrelevant. Being who I was was not acceptable. I find it hard to believe that isn’t the case for all of us who watched (past tense) porn. We were not great company, certainly not all the time. It makes no difference whether anyone else knew and approved. The biggest thing I did was stopping being an asshole by stopping watching porn and then realising that I needed to stop masturbating. See, it wasn’t a long book, was it?

It’s amazing how many articles one can read about the benefits of not masturbating, and YouTube videos, testimonials etc….some of them very slightly annoy me because I feel like I am being sold something. You know what I mean.….women will find you way more attractive, you’ll get more things done, you’ll feel more masculine - the list goes on. I am not saying the list isn’t right, it’s just that something so life affirming e.g. stopping masturbation leading to freedom of the soul - is slightly being sold like a second hand car.

Seeing the light appear when I basically masturbated less than once a month for a year….now that’s worth selling like it’s the most precious thing in the world. How we sell it….now that’s a longer book.
 
joepanic

joepanic

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GBS said:
Whether or not my wife knew and had a view on whether my porn consumption was acceptable to her is totally and completely irrelevant. Being who I was was not acceptable. I find it hard to believe that isn’t the case for all of us who watched (past tense) porn. We were not great company, certainly not all the time. It makes no difference whether anyone else knew and approved. The biggest thing I did was stopping being an asshole by stopping watching porn and then realising that I needed to stop masturbating.
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I don't believe it's hard to believe. It may be a strong personal statement for you though. I also didn't like who I was but I never thought of myself as an asshole for watching porn. And I was always present and I was not bad company. Yes I watched a lot of porn. but it never interfered with my relationships. It interfered with myself. Stole "my" free time and energy, Stopped me from becoming an better musician perhaps stopped me from getting a better education and than job.(not a higher paying one) As for "It makes no difference whether anyone else knew and approved. " I believe this is untrue also. One only has to look in the partner sections how much the lying and the deceit hurts them. They have a very hard time ever trusting again Credit is never given to those who were honest all the way through. Where trust was never broken. The story usually changed there.

Post often it helps me it helps you
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
498 days sober
50 days hard core

Things have not progressed well for my wife’s visit. I may be taking a break. I am sure you all (aka y’all) understand.
 
Jlied

Jlied

Active Member
GBS said:
498 days sober
50 days hard core

Things have not progressed well for my wife’s visit. I may be taking a break. I am sure you all (aka y’all) understand.
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Totally understand and my thoughts are with you and your wife. Focus on family and be a rock for those grieving. We’ll be here when you get back
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
499 days sober
51 days head core

Things are real quiet. Wife’s mother is very sick. Talking or even thinking about our relationship with each other is sort of off limits really. That’s manageable although please tell the hard core thing between my legs!
 
Androg

Androg

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GBS said:
499 days sober
51 days head core

Things are real quiet. Wife’s mother is very sick. Talking or even thinking about our relationship with each other is sort of off limits really. That’s manageable although please tell the hard core thing between my legs!
Click to expand...
Perhaps you and your wife will have a fresh start on various fronts soon.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
500 days without watching pornography

I am extremely proud.

I owe many of you a huge debt of thanks. I considered going back through my story and listing all the main people who helped by chiming in, giving advice, just being supportive…..I don’t know how much of this success is down to you but it’s a great deal. I can’t repay you but you guys are the best.

I should be able to say fairly concisely what the secret to success is, and write the definitive handbook for survival if you’re 61 years old but I am not sure I have anything profound to say.

The other day I rewatched Dr Gary Wilson’s most excellent Ted Talk video on YouTube “The Great Porn Experiment”. If you haven’t looked it up Please do. What’s my point? Gary was the Your Brain on Porn guy. That website is gold dust. I read so many of the articles on there. Obviously you need more than knowledge to succeed, but it’s such a good place to start.

Armed with what I thought was irrefutable evidence that we porn watchers had changed our personalities, and because I am a stubborn son of a bitch, I thought I’d fight hard. It obviously also helped, ironically, that I had an ultimatum from my wife. If you go back I’m leaving forever, she said.

So here we are. Our brains (according to Dr Wilson) are wired to sabotage self control, so the journey at many points required fighting so hard against my brain. Even today it’s very slightly saying this: “Your wife is in the US, you can always scrub your history for the last hour or so, you don’t have to tell your Reboot Nation mates, nor your SAA mates, just lie…it’s easy, go on, you know what you’re going to watch, come on, you’re going to cum so hard….go on….do it”. After 500 days you’d hope that nagging voice had receded….actually it has. It‘s not like it’s not saying that, it’s just that the noise is barely audible. Brain….sorry pal…..but it’s getting boring now, and a bit juvenile so give it a rest why don’t you?

So no big conclusion? Well not really. 500 is a great start. Reboot Nation (despite the annoying glitches in the text correction system!) is one hell of a community. You guys are the best. It didn’t obviously hurt that I am an obsessive journal writer and a stubborn Brit. Thanks so much.
 
Gracie

Gracie

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Staff member
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You sir, are an inspiration. In the past across different sites, men would say the way you have used abstinence was not possible for anyone because of biology. I suppose for some, it was impossible. But you have shown you can do a total reset. Amazing! 500 days of giving your wife time to heal and move forward. Time to calm her fears. Time to realize you have truly changed and are not that man anymore, I admire your walk and commitment to your relationship.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Congrats Sir @GBS, you're a damn hero. Thank you for your constant encouragement to myself and many others here on this forum. You've shown and proven that what we all thought was "normal" and "natural" in our olden days, was the furthest thing from, and that life can be better on the other side, even when it's not perfect.

I wish you and your wife the best while going through all of this.

Bless you

Blondie
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
501 days sober
53 days hard core

Thanks @TryingHarder - keep going yourself. Soon be in the 500 club.

Things are weird. Weird in a good way but still weird. Wife is in US tending to very sick mother. She’s (somewhat unnaturally) a quite amazingly patient carer/nurse. A knock on effect is that she’s really calm and our chats and messages are really sweet and loving. That’s not really weird, or if it is it’s just nice weird.

Here’s what was weird. She’s out there sort of tag teaming with her youngest brother (she has 3 bros) looking after her mum. They were discussing what happens at the end and then as executor of the will, what he needs to get done. So pretty heavy duty. My wife said in such a heavy duty conversation she ended up telling her younger bro that we’d been through a couple if very challenging years with our relationship but we were out the other side and recovered. I think that deserves an exclamation mark ! There we go.

You will agree with me that‘s weird, right. What did I say? Absolutely nothing. I mean what was to be gained In saying “how are we recovered when we’re playing the friend zone game?”. There were alternatives to that response but I don’t need to list them. My positive spin is that she’s genuinely as certain as she can be that we’re getting there, we’re just not actually there yet. But man, it was weird. I am playing this super cool. If there are any moves to be made in the intimacy area, she has to instigate them. The last few times I have talked about loneliness and the need for something more, she has sent us right back to Jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect £200.

We persevere.
 
Androg

Androg

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GBS said:
501 days sober
53 days hard core

Thanks @TryingHarder - keep going yourself. Soon be in the 500 club.

Things are weird. Weird in a good way but still weird. Wife is in US tending to very sick mother. She’s (somewhat unnaturally) a quite amazingly patient carer/nurse. A knock on effect is that she’s really calm and our chats and messages are really sweet and loving. That’s not really weird, or if it is it’s just nice weird.

Here’s what was weird. She’s out there sort of tag teaming with her youngest brother (she has 3 bros) looking after her mum. They were discussing what happens at the end and then as executor of the will, what he needs to get done. So pretty heavy duty. My wife said in such a heavy duty conversation she ended up telling her younger bro that we’d been through a couple if very challenging years with our relationship but we were out the other side and recovered. I think that deserves an exclamation mark ! There we go.

You will agree with me that‘s weird, right. What did I say? Absolutely nothing. I mean what was to be gained In saying “how are we recovered when we’re playing the friend zone game?”. There were alternatives to that response but I don’t need to list them. My positive spin is that she’s genuinely as certain as she can be that we’re getting there, we’re just not actually there yet. But man, it was weird. I am playing this super cool. If there are any moves to be made in the intimacy area, she has to instigate them. The last few times I have talked about loneliness and the need for something more, she has sent us right back to Jail. Do not pass Go, do not collect £200.

We persevere.
Click to expand...
Hmmm…
 
Gracie

Gracie

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Staff member
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This means, I think that she is getting her brain wrapped around it. Porn addiction is very hard for most wives to understand. It appears, at first blush, to be a replacement for us and intimacy. And that sucks the life right out of us. It takes awhile and I know that is not news to you.
 
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