Another story - probably the same as everyone else

Gracie

Gracie

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GBS, this makes me sad on so many levels. I first started posting many years ago to understand my situation with my husband as we walked our path through porn addiction. I conversed with men (no women at all at the beginning) and I understood better. I spoke with them about how I reacted and why and it got me through. But, I had so many things going on mentally just dealing that I stayed on this board to help. My goal was find a way through so marriages don’t become “break love”. To see any marriage on shaky ground as a result of porn hurts my heart. It takes work on both sides to come out of this as a couple. Each and every walk is different. The common denominator is the pain, for both, and the scrambled brain, for both. I truly hope the outcome is Make Love and not Break Love.
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
GBS said:
I am not who I was. That’s obviously really good, but part of me liked being someone who got horny fast. I do miss it, but I also know as a fact that recovery means becoming as “normal” as possible. Normal will definitely mean not being horny as much.
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This is definitely something I'm still getting use to @GBS. You would think I would think this would be great, but it's still hard to get a grasp of sometimes. Sure, I'm still horny, and very sexual, but it's NOT my life 24/7 like it use to be. On one hand, I know this is good, this is what I want, but on the other, it's like I don't even recognize myself sometimes, and once in a while, I long for the old days of constant sexual distraction.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks @Gracie - I didn’t wish to sadden you. My wife has not let down the female human race here. She’s just struggling to move and the less she budges the more stuck in the mud we become, but I am incredibly optimistic that it will be worked out. She needs me and she needs me to be patient. She also needs me to get her moving slightly which I will. There will be no threats, no ultimatum, no power games. Just maturity at the right time. The elephant in the room will not be ignored much longer.

Thanks @Blondie - it’s weird, man. I quite like that I am nearly 18 months clean but there’s still remnants of the old me. We’re not machines. We notice our changes. Some are subtle and some are blatant. Noticing the changes is in and of itself part of recovery. We will never go back whatever tricks our brains try.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
536 days sober
20 monk mode

Things are good at home except for the one obvious thing. Don’t know if it will get discussed this week. I need to pick a moment. I think she must be wondering if/when I am going to say something.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
538 days sober

Released yesterday. Was getting tricky with almost constant thoughts of poor me and why doesn’t my penis get the right work out. Over ut.

I have been quiet on here, trying to work out why. Think it’s primarily because the focus is moving my wife forward and that’s been very difficult as you all know. You support me and I thank you all including those who read and don’t chime in. Not offended in the slightest. I have done what I consider enough to prove that I am the right man and a good man for my wife. Her inability to move on doesn’t mean she can’t see that. Life is not that simple. Her PTSD is complicated. We’re going to talk soon and I am simply going to say “let’s see a therapist together”. Anything else, like - “what more can I do? Why can’t you move on? Is this not enough? You’re stuck so it’s your job to get unstuck.” Those will wind her up. I know when I even suggest we talk, she gets tense. It’s obvious.

I did what’s called a “main share” at my SAA meeting yesterday. Lasted about 15 minutes. Very cathartic describing my many faults but also talking about how I make sure they won’t resurface. Downside is that doing a main share totally plays into my ego massage love affair with myself. But I recognise that and tried not to feel too smug. Failed a bit, but still grounded.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
542 days sober
4 days no MO

Been absent for a few days. Mild depression kicked in after last chat with wife. There was good news and bad news from the chat, I shall bore you with the details:

First and foremost it was civil. No anger, or if it was it was passive (by her). I said that my therapist had suggested that if we were stuck we could consider couples therapy. I had intended to say just that, but I did say more. I said that I was very happy with where I was at one level, but equally very frustrated that we were seemingly just ticking along and it felt like we were stuck. I can’t recall precisely what she said but something like this: she knows I have done well and time has passed but as far as she’s concerned she still near the beginning of her recovery (hmmmm to that), then she said that as for sex she just had almost no inclination. She said she hardly thinks about it ever. Then she said the oddest thing…..she said “I don’t think about having sex with you or anyone else”….maybe I’m a bit paranoid but why say the second bit? Anyway she did say she would agree to couples therapy but not until October. We have a very busy September coming up with two weeks vacation and then the boys are off to university.

Stay clean brothers.
 
Androg

Androg

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I suggest that when it’s time, you propose a no-intercourse form of intimacy…until she feels ready for more. She has forgotten how delicious a skin to skin snuggle is.

My guess is that she mentioned “or anyone else” because she wanted to reassure you that her lack of interest was NOT based on infidelity, as such a lack of interest often is.

Wishing you a very loving October!
 
Blondie

Blondie

Respected Member
Sorry to hear this @GBS, I really am. I sure hope the couples therapy can happen soon. However, no matter what happens between you two, just know you're a different man now, and deserve intimacy in your future.

Best
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
Thanks boys @Androg and @Blondie

Androg said:
suggest that when it’s time, you propose a no-intercourse form of intimacy…until she feels ready for more. She has forgotten how delicious a skin to skin snuggle is.
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Good thinking- I don’t think we’re going anywhere near intercourse for a while.

Androg said:
My guess is that she mentioned “or anyone else” because she wanted to reassure you that her lack of interest was NOT based on infidelity, as such a lack of interest often is.
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Thanks - good point.

Blondie said:
sure hope the couples therapy can happen soon. However, no matter what happens between you two, just know you're a different man now, and deserve intimacy in your future.
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Thanks brother - all true. I am a new man whatever happens.
 
Gracie

Gracie

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Great to hear you have talked! Perhaps her no inclination could have a physical reason and not necessarily a trauma response. She could be depressed or on medication for that and both zap sexual thoughts. And I know for a lot of women the thought we married our ”one and only” makes the addiction is a hard thing to wrap our brains around. Also it sounds like she went through a lot dealing with her mom and the mom’s death, this can also affect our libido. Still positive take-away is there was a conversation.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
543 days sober
5 no MO

Thanks @Gracie - she’s not on any medication. I think it’s still a general coming to terms with things. It is, as you know, very hard to complain when you are the wrong doer. So I just can’t blurt out the curious observation that When I was at my worst my wife did seem to find me attractive and we had sex, and the second I clean my act up she loses interest.

Sorry that was passive aggressive and not my style, but you get my point.

More patience required.
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
544 days sober
6 monk mode

I was working yesterday at the bar og our village show. Sounds twee, isn’t. 5000 people turn up. Luckily they don’t all want beer. Weather was lovely. Therefore beautiful women were around. I do nothing but rejoice in their beauty these days. It is refreshing.

I had a sex dream last night. I cannot divulge the details for trigger related reasons. Yes it was my wife. It’s nice having those dreams because it’s sort of a brain check to see if purity has returned.

My morning glory was way bigger than a baby’s arm!
 
GBS

GBS

Respected Member
545 days sober
7 monk mode

Feeling strong. Good SAA meeting last night where I got the chance to blurt out frustrations. One guy afterwards said “I know you can’t stand the serenity prayer (I can’t, by the way), but truly accepting that you can’t change how your wife is progressing will help you”. The serenity prayer for those of you who don’t know, goes like this:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things that I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

God = higher power obviously.

I only don’t like it because it’s slightly too clever for its own good. Maybe I’m just a stuck up twerp for saying that. But the message works, so that’s what I am hanging on to. I can;t change my wife, but I can (and have) change me. No wisdom required just bloody mindedness!
 
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