Lately everything is hard to put in words. Everything is tougher than I thought. There's a part of me that says "You have fell into this deep grave and you might just get lost in there and never come back." This feeling just hurts. I feel so helpless sometimes. This miserable condition of mine breaks me from within. I am lost indeed. I might have just completely lost what I have always been finding. Years pass, but I am so similar to someone who's in coma. You do hear...you see some things happening...your brain is alive but then you just can't do anything about it because your body and mind just no longer supports you in the way you thought.
Back when I was 13 and days were also hard back then, I used to read
13 Things Mentally Strong People Don't Do by
Amy Morin. This book had me crying sometimes. The author put my life into words. She also mentions about a woman she met. The woman was not living the life to her fullest or was happy but just accepted her fate. When asked about how long she has been doing or living the life in this way, she said 20 years. All this time, she believed in the back of her mind that she indeed was a loser.
This made me question my life.
I feel dark right now. I wrote this poem a few months ago. No one ever read it. I had the same dark thoughts in my mind back then and so I wrote it.
Check on me if I’m actually fine.
Check on me if I’m doing alright.
Check on me if I’m sitting alone.
Check on me when everyone would be gone.
Check on me when I’m finding it hard to try.
Check on me when I don’t think I’ll be able to survive.
Check on me when I’m feeling tired.
Check on me when I’m so done with faking smiles.
Check on me when I’m feeling wasted.
Check on me when I would’ve lost all of my interests.
Check on me when I would break down badly.
Check on me even when I’m crowded or lonely.
Check on me when I crumble softly.
Check on me when I’m laying down and staring at roof endlessly.
Check on me when I act strange.
Check on me if you see me overwhelmed.
Check on me if I no longer share with my friends or family.
Check on me even if you see my life going easy.
Check on me every now and then because
I might be tearing apart slowly.
Please just check on me, okay?