Eesh, had a scare today. In the morning I was home alone and feeling cravings pretty strong, but ignored them. Then in the afternoon I was home alone again for a while and found myself on IMDb again, and then searching for an actress on Google images trying to find a mild nude scene that I knew existed.... I did back off before seeing anything remotely explicit, but I'm feeling pretty hard on myself for going as far as I did. It wasn't a relapse, but it's EXACTLY the sort of behavior that I started rationalizing last time around until it led to a real relapse. Blech.
I feel pretty mixed up about it, because if I don't count this as a relapse then it feels like I'll just end up escalating and escalating without ever knowing when it actually does become a relapse... On the other hand, if I do count this as a relapse it feels like overkill. I just need to recognize the behaviour as dangerous I think, without needing it to be a relapse to consider it so. Because the real problem here is that I'm using my counter as the primary motivator...
Underneath the surface I'm starting to think of porn as something I'm missing out on, something desirable that I can't have. This is super toxic, and I need to work on that! Porn robs me of myself! Personally, emotionally, spiritually, relationally, professionally.... It is empty and fleeting, and can only destroy. Just because it gives you a rush while it destroys doesn't make it good! It is my enemy, and I'm starting to listen to it's propaganda.
Yes, I'm so close to 90 days that it would be a shame to blow it now. But what matters WAY more is that I've come so far in fighting my enemy, and it would be stupid to start letting them into my head. I need to think in those terms, so that I can avoid getting into a situation where all my energy is spent adjudicating what "counts" and what doesn't, instead of actually doing anything meaningful to replace the porn.
Been a tough couple of days relationally with my wife, and there have been moments where retreating into the safety of porn for comfort has sounded nice. But I haven't got close to tripping up, because it's easy right now to see how empty the promises of porn are. It's just trash, and w will only hurt me in the long run.