First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Day 406 (no MO since Day 364)
I will make it -- Looking forward to taking my life back
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First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Day 407 (no MO since Day 364) -- think I'm going to take a couple month off watching anime again. The urges from watching them are definitely way lower vs. when I first started rebooting or even 6 months ago but they are still a bit more powerful when I'm not MO'ing. Otherwise I'm looking forward to Day 409 when I'm at the halfway point to 90 days no MO
Side note -- I do find I don't enjoy anime quite as much as I used to. There's still some really good ones out there but overall it's lower because now I can't just follow up watching it with watching porn. So most of the 'fantasizing' element has just gone away and made the genre less interesting overall. Still some good stuff I'll tune into once in a while but I can see that even if I do nothing from here one aside from avoiding porn, in a few years I'll probably just also stop watching anime. My goals are much more set in the real world now, not some incredible fantasy land
If I'm being perfectly honest, that's both exciting and scary. Exciting in the sense that my mind is becoming more focused on real stuff and real goals, but scary in the sense that there's nothing to really escape back to even for a few moments. When you leave the refuge of porn behind, you really do take the steps to becoming a man...setting aside childish things and focusing on the world out there. Exciting and scary for sure
Side note -- I do find I don't enjoy anime quite as much as I used to. There's still some really good ones out there but overall it's lower because now I can't just follow up watching it with watching porn. So most of the 'fantasizing' element has just gone away and made the genre less interesting overall. Still some good stuff I'll tune into once in a while but I can see that even if I do nothing from here one aside from avoiding porn, in a few years I'll probably just also stop watching anime. My goals are much more set in the real world now, not some incredible fantasy land
If I'm being perfectly honest, that's both exciting and scary. Exciting in the sense that my mind is becoming more focused on real stuff and real goals, but scary in the sense that there's nothing to really escape back to even for a few moments. When you leave the refuge of porn behind, you really do take the steps to becoming a man...setting aside childish things and focusing on the world out there. Exciting and scary for sure
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Blondie
Respected Member
I love to hear this @First_step_thousand_miles, and it's so true. Porn is such a bitch, because it saps all that sexual energy right out of us, and makes us into little boys in constant need of a fix. You take that away, and all of sudden, you have life to experience, all the good and bad of it. It's a beautiful thing, but yes, scary too.
Keep killing it brother, and keep facing those goals.
Best
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Too true my friend, I've been giving a lot of thought to what separates boys from men. I think at some point you really do need to set aside stuff that holds you back like porn...maybe even other stuff. I think though it's still always important to retain that child-like sense of wonder about the world as that brings so much joy and optimism to one's life. It's a delicate balance
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Day 409 (no MO since Day 364) -- Made it halfway to 90 days no MO. I'm making progress -- even when it feels like I'm not and it's frustrating -- as today I was just imagining a girl I know in a regular makeout (fully clothed) and started getting hard. I cut if off right there to avoid temptation as I want to get to 90 days but I'm healing.
In other news, had another great workout today. I'm making progress, making gradual but definite progress on my lifts. Seeing this forward momentum is really giving me motivation but I'm going to take it slow as I don't want to get injured. Onwards
In other news, had another great workout today. I'm making progress, making gradual but definite progress on my lifts. Seeing this forward momentum is really giving me motivation but I'm going to take it slow as I don't want to get injured. Onwards
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Day 410 (no MO since Day 364) -- Had some trouble sleeping last night, I got horny a bunch of times as my thoughts drifted towards women which made it infinitely harder. I think I'm also one of those people who probably worries too much internally on making sure I get enough sleep, which as you know as the surest sign of not getting enough sleep.
I've been inspired by @SmokenMirrors where he meditates every day. I'm going to do a variation of that and journal every night from now on. They say to journal at least 2-3 hours before bed (with a pen as that's better than doing it online I think as per scientific research) so you have plenty of time to process (and I'd also prefer to do something relaxing right before bed like reading a good book or watching a funny TV show).
I'm starting the journaling tonight, I realize life comes with its own share of worries / anxieties and not acknowledging them leads to enormous stress / mental health issues that build in one's unconscious before eventually manifesting in our conscious minds (anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, etc). I actually did take some time 1.5 weeks ago and journaled all of my deepest fears and worries...slept like a baby for the next week. Fell asleep within 15min, it was wonderful.
I'm realizing as an adult I need to create a better toolkit to deal with the problems that I frankly didn't in college and as a kid. I shared this idea some time back with friends and a couple of them mentioned they regularly journal. It is similar to meditation after all but in its own way helps us process stuff we might not say out lout to anyone and so those thoughts remain trapped in our hearts until they burst out. I'm ready to put them down on paper. I'm still tossing around whether I should journal every single day or just the days when something bothers me (even if only for a moment)...going to experiment with it and see what works best
I've been inspired by @SmokenMirrors where he meditates every day. I'm going to do a variation of that and journal every night from now on. They say to journal at least 2-3 hours before bed (with a pen as that's better than doing it online I think as per scientific research) so you have plenty of time to process (and I'd also prefer to do something relaxing right before bed like reading a good book or watching a funny TV show).
I'm starting the journaling tonight, I realize life comes with its own share of worries / anxieties and not acknowledging them leads to enormous stress / mental health issues that build in one's unconscious before eventually manifesting in our conscious minds (anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping, etc). I actually did take some time 1.5 weeks ago and journaled all of my deepest fears and worries...slept like a baby for the next week. Fell asleep within 15min, it was wonderful.
I'm realizing as an adult I need to create a better toolkit to deal with the problems that I frankly didn't in college and as a kid. I shared this idea some time back with friends and a couple of them mentioned they regularly journal. It is similar to meditation after all but in its own way helps us process stuff we might not say out lout to anyone and so those thoughts remain trapped in our hearts until they burst out. I'm ready to put them down on paper. I'm still tossing around whether I should journal every single day or just the days when something bothers me (even if only for a moment)...going to experiment with it and see what works best
SmokenMirrors
Well-Known Member
Love this! Don't forget to write down 1-3 things you'e grateful for every day!
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Thank you sir! Will do
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Day 411 (no MO since day 364) -- Journaled last night, slept like a baby! Definitely works, you have to dig deep though into things that are really bothering you under the surface and dig at the core. Anyway continuing on the journey, hope everyone is well
Blondie
Respected Member
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Thank you my friend, so far so good. Will keep updating everyone on the journaling progress! Hope you're doing well too brother
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Adding some more ruminations. Maybe some of it is obvious and if too long don't read it, but it's cathartic for me to write and express. It's very long -- I had an epiphany and you might think less of me after reading but I had to be honest with myself and this forum. We are both owed no less
I'm been reading success stories for the past hour just wondering why my reboot has been taking so long. I am pushing forward but I can't say that it doesn't frighten me. But I realized what it was, while I never formally related (i.e. masturbated / edged / orgasmed to porn) -- I remember after my fantastic streak late last year (had a good 2 weeks where I'd get rock hard super fast to just regular girls and regular sexual positions) around that time I unconsciously let me guard down and several times in December and January I -- TRIGGER WARNING -- looked up a bunch of pics of prostitutes. Literally was so horny and could not control myself so I'd browse this shit for like 30min straight and I distinctly remember doing this on 4 different occasions. Didn't end up going further than that so at least grateful for some things
I go back to Blondie's framework here that what counts as a relapse? It wasn't an official relapse as we traditionally count it but they were 100% interpreted that way by my addicted brain. And that's massively slowed down my progress and set me back in a such a big way. I haven't looked at any of that stuff since Jan though there have been a few stories here and there I've read on reddit related to hooker topics (i.e. guys going to Thailand and you can fill in the rest) which I wasn't reading out of conscious desire but I realized my dopamine levels got fucked up (i.e. that heady feeling you get that's caused by porn -- the addiction rather than true libido)....
I realize it also fucked up by how I look at other women. Late end of last year I started feeling real emotions towards girls and being attracted towards their personality. One girl in particular I vividly remember from around Thanksgiving, she was the exact opposite of my preferred body type (or maybe my porn addled brain's preferred body type?) yet I was SO attracted to her personality and her smile...the last time I remember feeling like this towards a girl was pre-college when I didn't PMO. I also wondered recently why I wasn't feeling this way more and more towards more girls despite adding more days to my journey...maybe I was a moron but now I realize why
All of this set me back. I don't know to what extent it did and I think I was ashamed to even admit this to myself but I must be honest and put all this down -- admitting it to myself and this forum, I guess I wasn't ready to earlier. I have NOT looked at that crap now for 5+ months and I will never go back -- the last thing I want is to substitute one addition for another. I'm hoping doing 90 days no PMO will accelerate the recovery from here. I don't think I reset back to Day 0 but I wouldn't be shocked if it set back my progress by many months. All I can do from here is live and learn. I've made multiple resolutions:
1. No more anime. The triggers it used to provide are FAR lower but sometimes there's still just a bit (maybe 20% of what it was)
2. Not going to read anything even related to sex (not talking about erotica here as that's obvious but I mean even stories on reddit like AMAs for 'what's your wildest sexual experience'). I'm not a huge Redditor but sometimes even I slip into this stuff
3. While I've quit all the most dangerous big social media (Snapchat, IG, TikTok), sometimes I stare a little too much when I see an attractive girl on LinkedIn / Facebook or even an ad on a regular website. I used to be so much more disciplined in that if I came across such a thing I'd immediately look away, these days sometimes I've noticed I just stare for a bit. But that's firing up the pathways even if only subtly. I'm going to be much more rigorous over completely and immediately looking away when I see any pixels
4. Spending more time with real girls. As much as possible, even if only in a platonic setting. I met up with a girl last Sunday to just hang out and then grab dinner. Was pretty nice, hadn't hung out with a girl 1:1 in a loooooong time. Even the girl I hooked up with in March was at a party and we were with a lot of people most of the time. I'm going to be hanging out with some female friends in the coming weeks, going to figure out if I can join some Meetup groups to do this more. All part of the rewiring process
Progress is being made even if it doesn't always feel that way. My wet dream a weeks ago is proof of that as is late last year when I had 2 streaks of incredibly powerful MO's with no issues. I may have been dealt setbacks, but I will not lose the war
I'm been reading success stories for the past hour just wondering why my reboot has been taking so long. I am pushing forward but I can't say that it doesn't frighten me. But I realized what it was, while I never formally related (i.e. masturbated / edged / orgasmed to porn) -- I remember after my fantastic streak late last year (had a good 2 weeks where I'd get rock hard super fast to just regular girls and regular sexual positions) around that time I unconsciously let me guard down and several times in December and January I -- TRIGGER WARNING -- looked up a bunch of pics of prostitutes. Literally was so horny and could not control myself so I'd browse this shit for like 30min straight and I distinctly remember doing this on 4 different occasions. Didn't end up going further than that so at least grateful for some things
I go back to Blondie's framework here that what counts as a relapse? It wasn't an official relapse as we traditionally count it but they were 100% interpreted that way by my addicted brain. And that's massively slowed down my progress and set me back in a such a big way. I haven't looked at any of that stuff since Jan though there have been a few stories here and there I've read on reddit related to hooker topics (i.e. guys going to Thailand and you can fill in the rest) which I wasn't reading out of conscious desire but I realized my dopamine levels got fucked up (i.e. that heady feeling you get that's caused by porn -- the addiction rather than true libido)....
I realize it also fucked up by how I look at other women. Late end of last year I started feeling real emotions towards girls and being attracted towards their personality. One girl in particular I vividly remember from around Thanksgiving, she was the exact opposite of my preferred body type (or maybe my porn addled brain's preferred body type?) yet I was SO attracted to her personality and her smile...the last time I remember feeling like this towards a girl was pre-college when I didn't PMO. I also wondered recently why I wasn't feeling this way more and more towards more girls despite adding more days to my journey...maybe I was a moron but now I realize why
All of this set me back. I don't know to what extent it did and I think I was ashamed to even admit this to myself but I must be honest and put all this down -- admitting it to myself and this forum, I guess I wasn't ready to earlier. I have NOT looked at that crap now for 5+ months and I will never go back -- the last thing I want is to substitute one addition for another. I'm hoping doing 90 days no PMO will accelerate the recovery from here. I don't think I reset back to Day 0 but I wouldn't be shocked if it set back my progress by many months. All I can do from here is live and learn. I've made multiple resolutions:
1. No more anime. The triggers it used to provide are FAR lower but sometimes there's still just a bit (maybe 20% of what it was)
2. Not going to read anything even related to sex (not talking about erotica here as that's obvious but I mean even stories on reddit like AMAs for 'what's your wildest sexual experience'). I'm not a huge Redditor but sometimes even I slip into this stuff
3. While I've quit all the most dangerous big social media (Snapchat, IG, TikTok), sometimes I stare a little too much when I see an attractive girl on LinkedIn / Facebook or even an ad on a regular website. I used to be so much more disciplined in that if I came across such a thing I'd immediately look away, these days sometimes I've noticed I just stare for a bit. But that's firing up the pathways even if only subtly. I'm going to be much more rigorous over completely and immediately looking away when I see any pixels
4. Spending more time with real girls. As much as possible, even if only in a platonic setting. I met up with a girl last Sunday to just hang out and then grab dinner. Was pretty nice, hadn't hung out with a girl 1:1 in a loooooong time. Even the girl I hooked up with in March was at a party and we were with a lot of people most of the time. I'm going to be hanging out with some female friends in the coming weeks, going to figure out if I can join some Meetup groups to do this more. All part of the rewiring process
Progress is being made even if it doesn't always feel that way. My wet dream a weeks ago is proof of that as is late last year when I had 2 streaks of incredibly powerful MO's with no issues. I may have been dealt setbacks, but I will not lose the war
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First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Day 412 no porn
No MO since Day 364
Another epiphany. I didn't even realize I was doing this but when I watch TV I often have my hands on my boxers above my penis, and I'm often getting at least half hard doing this. This was 10000% unconscious, didn't even realize I was doing it until today! This I suspect is firing up porn pathways even though I'm not remotely trying to PMO! Now that I know it's happening. putting a firm stop to it
Hope everyone is well
No MO since Day 364
Another epiphany. I didn't even realize I was doing this but when I watch TV I often have my hands on my boxers above my penis, and I'm often getting at least half hard doing this. This was 10000% unconscious, didn't even realize I was doing it until today! This I suspect is firing up porn pathways even though I'm not remotely trying to PMO! Now that I know it's happening. putting a firm stop to it
Hope everyone is well
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Yeah, I'm beating it into my skull that the only time to touch my penis is when I'm peeing. Otherwise no
Blondie
Respected Member
Hey @First_step_thousand_miles, I love your honest and deep reflection here. Being real with ourselves and everyone here is a great benefit to us all in this journey. All of these things that you point out are things that were so engrained in your (our) daily habits, that it's almost second nature for us to not even think about it, much less, reflect on it for any substantial change. That's why I think the more time you spend away from this filth the more and more you realize what it has done to you, and all the little ways even that it has affected your life. Many of these things as you mention are NOT porn per se and are not a relapse, might even be somewhat innocent, but since we're trying to recover and go all the way, they're a detriment to us and stand in our way.
Speaking for myself, at the beginning of this streak, before I started writing here, I had decided with my girlfriend that it was okay to "appreciate" beautiful women while watching yoga videos etc. on You Tube. I did this in the first two months after my last relapse. On one hand, this was pretty cool, because we were trying to work on our communication and constantly talk about what I would or not look at, and as long as it wasn't porn, it was okay. Thus, I could appreciate women, which satisfied the perpetual artist in me, but at the same time, everything was talked about beforehand, and I would tell her if I felt okay or not by looking at it, obviously, no porn whatsoever. Reflecting on this now, this was pretty sweet, and our communication was fantastic at this moment, however, at the beginning of that third month or so, around 60 days, the worst flatline I've ever had reared its ugly head, and my dick literally stopped working, like absolutely nothing down there. Thus, what actually was kind of cool for us, become very uncool in a matter of days, and this was one of the driving points that brought me here to RN. I simply couldn't believe that relapsing every four months or so could be so devastating for my dick, but here I was, with nothing going on down there. Thus, with that new hard-hitting reality, I decided to cut out all extra stimuli, even if it seemed kind of ridiculous at the moment.
My point in all of this is to say, that this whole journey is a process of discovery, and it's okay to learn new things as we go on. Thus, don't be too hard on yourself, we live and learn and hopefully grow from it. I feel what her and I were doing was kind of cool, and maybe "one day" we could try that again. However, I know I'm still healing from all of this, and anything like that would be a foolish act on my part.
I like your new rule. No touching unless peeing. I just use my boxers!
Best brother, you're doing great.
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First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
100% true. It definitely does poison your mind a bit. I felt like a lot of these porn vestiges were going away and then some have now come back -- I need to give it more time off (real time off, no looking at anything not 'real') to accelerate the healing process.
Man I'm so far off from this! Saw a Facebook ad yesterday with this real attractive girl and the porn voices started acting up again. In pretty much 5 seconds I tore my eyes away and stopped but damn. Part of this is made MUCH harder by no MO -- when I was MO'ing regularly 6 months ago this stuff wasn't even fazing me too much. The 'monk mode' / hard mode really is tough. I won't need to do this forever but for now you are totally right that it is the right step -- despite how hard it is in the moment.
My point in all of this is to say, that this whole journey is a process of discovery, and it's okay to learn new things as we go on. Thus, don't be too hard on yourself, we live and learn and hopefully grow from it. I feel what her and I were doing was kind of cool, and maybe "one day" we could try that again. However, I know I'm still healing from all of this, and anything like that would be a foolish act on my part.
I like your new rule. No touching unless peeing. I just use my boxers!
Thank you so much for this thoughtful post man, lot of stuff to reflect on. Good to hear that you're able to take back your lief and do these 'regular' things again to some extent and I'm certain you'll be back to 100% soon enough as well. Much love
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Day 415 no porn
Day 52 no MO
No MO is not easy and my mind is often trying to wander but I have a pretty solid handle on things. More than ever it's clear to me that I can't relapse or it will massively set my progress back. There are folks in the early days of Reboot Nation who only had a few years of porn use / more intermittent use / never got into really strange categories who rebooted in weeks or even 90 days but I think that's no longer the reality for porn users today under the age of 30. Seems 6+ months or even 1-2yrs is becoming the new reality. Even so, it feels much less daunting knowing I've crossed the 1yr mark and gotten past the worst of it. Won't be easy but I know what I need to do. Now I just need to continue executing
Day 52 no MO
No MO is not easy and my mind is often trying to wander but I have a pretty solid handle on things. More than ever it's clear to me that I can't relapse or it will massively set my progress back. There are folks in the early days of Reboot Nation who only had a few years of porn use / more intermittent use / never got into really strange categories who rebooted in weeks or even 90 days but I think that's no longer the reality for porn users today under the age of 30. Seems 6+ months or even 1-2yrs is becoming the new reality. Even so, it feels much less daunting knowing I've crossed the 1yr mark and gotten past the worst of it. Won't be easy but I know what I need to do. Now I just need to continue executing
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First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Feeling randomly kind of horny today. Or is it the porn brain talking? I think its the former as I'm not particularly craving porn but hard to tell. Either way doesn't matter, I've committed to no MO for 90 days.
Glad I started working out. The weight loss progress has stalled a bit so I'm going to set a more rigorous set of near-term goals. I'm 160lb right now, going to get to 155lb by end of month and then 150lb hopefully by end of August (or mid September latest). Quitting porn is a big goal, but I want to make progress towards becoming a complete man. So working out will continue to be essentially. Right now I'm lifting 2 days / 1 day bodyweight and then walking 10k steps another 2 days on average.
My goal is to push this up to 3 days lifting and 3 days of walking 10k steps for a total of 6 days working out. Even more critically, getting more rigorous on my diet is key. I can have 'cheat meals' (within reason) but ONLY when I'm with friends and it's a treat. When I'm just eating alone or my regular meals I need tone far more rigorous. Won't be easy but won't be impossible either.
My goal is to improve my overall physical well being. So quitting porn to fixed PIED and working out to develop a body I can be proud of. Let's get it!!!
Glad I started working out. The weight loss progress has stalled a bit so I'm going to set a more rigorous set of near-term goals. I'm 160lb right now, going to get to 155lb by end of month and then 150lb hopefully by end of August (or mid September latest). Quitting porn is a big goal, but I want to make progress towards becoming a complete man. So working out will continue to be essentially. Right now I'm lifting 2 days / 1 day bodyweight and then walking 10k steps another 2 days on average.
My goal is to push this up to 3 days lifting and 3 days of walking 10k steps for a total of 6 days working out. Even more critically, getting more rigorous on my diet is key. I can have 'cheat meals' (within reason) but ONLY when I'm with friends and it's a treat. When I'm just eating alone or my regular meals I need tone far more rigorous. Won't be easy but won't be impossible either.
My goal is to improve my overall physical well being. So quitting porn to fixed PIED and working out to develop a body I can be proud of. Let's get it!!!
First_step_thousand_miles
Well-Known Member
Day 416 no porn
Day 53 no MO
Had another great workout today and ate healthy. I'm reading Awaken the Giant within by Tony Robbins (put it down some months back but getting back into it). Tony mentions that to really force a change in behavior you need to change what you link with pleasure vs. pain.
For so long, we've linked pleasure with porn. But the reason some GOATs like @Blondie and @SmokenMirrors and @Androg have succeeded (and me too one day) is because they have linked porn with pain -- all that awaits a heavy porn user is sadness, depression, anger, and bitterness. The pain of that overcame the temporary pleasure of using porn. Even when we get those cravings, we MUST resist because only pain waits down that road. It's a similar story to overeating & not working out (I saw a chocolate bar today but it was really easy for me to say 'hell no' and avoid it). Likewise, when I've gotten porn cravings I say hell no and stop.
Would highly recommend Awaken the Giant Within. it's a long read and dunno if I'll read all of it but this concept was worth the book alone. If there isn't pain for something, then invent it is Tony's rec -- so if a newer person relapses, then they must do 1000 pushups over the course of the next week. Invent something that really sucks -- if you order a dessert at a restaurant, then stand up and say "I'm a pig" really loudly (this is an actual example in the book, not my own haha)...as you link formerly pleasurable (but toxic) activities with pain you will begin to avoid them. Kind of wish I'd learned about this a year ago but I'm well on my way -- I'm thinking about how else to apply this in my current journey. God bless you all!
Day 53 no MO
Had another great workout today and ate healthy. I'm reading Awaken the Giant within by Tony Robbins (put it down some months back but getting back into it). Tony mentions that to really force a change in behavior you need to change what you link with pleasure vs. pain.
For so long, we've linked pleasure with porn. But the reason some GOATs like @Blondie and @SmokenMirrors and @Androg have succeeded (and me too one day) is because they have linked porn with pain -- all that awaits a heavy porn user is sadness, depression, anger, and bitterness. The pain of that overcame the temporary pleasure of using porn. Even when we get those cravings, we MUST resist because only pain waits down that road. It's a similar story to overeating & not working out (I saw a chocolate bar today but it was really easy for me to say 'hell no' and avoid it). Likewise, when I've gotten porn cravings I say hell no and stop.
Would highly recommend Awaken the Giant Within. it's a long read and dunno if I'll read all of it but this concept was worth the book alone. If there isn't pain for something, then invent it is Tony's rec -- so if a newer person relapses, then they must do 1000 pushups over the course of the next week. Invent something that really sucks -- if you order a dessert at a restaurant, then stand up and say "I'm a pig" really loudly (this is an actual example in the book, not my own haha)...as you link formerly pleasurable (but toxic) activities with pain you will begin to avoid them. Kind of wish I'd learned about this a year ago but I'm well on my way -- I'm thinking about how else to apply this in my current journey. God bless you all!