Holding the Fool (me) to Account

Blondie

Respected Member
I see again how you can look as hard as you want but that doesn't give you the thing you desire. All it gives you is a fantasy that you can't capture. And then of course the thought creeps in that I could capture it by looking at P. Also a lie.
There is much wisdom here. Thanks.

You're doing well @SimonM, try not to be too hard on yourself. Yes you haven't relapsed, and yes you haven't had "perfect" thoughts or "eyes", but this black and white thinking can really get you into trouble. Be aware of your thoughts, be cognoscent of them, however, don't judge them so harshly, there's much grey area here.

Stay the course brother.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
What I did is also degrading to myself and the girl I did it to.
While I certainly can't defend ogling, I still think anything in real life is better for men than looking at porn.

And yes, Simon, I have come to the same conclusion when it comes to wasting time on the internet. For the past couple of weeks, I have severely restricted my online time and have been rewarded with a lot more clarity and peace of mind. At first, I had a feeling like something was missing - then I realized yes, what was missing was internet bullshit!
 

SimonM

Active Member
Not much to report. Staying away from P.
Not staying away from fantasizing as much as I'd like. Today I fantasized what it would be like to make myself a new rule, letting me have a day of full on P and fantasy fulfilment every few months, I would plan it ahead, get really excited, and that would be my reward for being clean the rest of the time. The shit my brain concocts! Obviously not an option... but it does get the tip of my dick excited. lol.

On another note - my sister is splitting from her husband. They have four young kids. Man I never want to go through that. Never. And the above fantasy, if fulfilled and discovered would likely lead to exactly that if not worse.

P will never have me back.
I am now entering my 6th month.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Hi @SimonM - sorry to hear about your sister. Be strong for her. You are a strong man. You struggle as we all do, but you’ll be a huge source of comfort to her because of what you’ve become.

As for your reward fantasy. Bonkers. I recall reading on ano string months ago about a guy who was 200+ days sober who tried an “experiment” (I believed him!) where he thought if he could see if he could watch once. So he did. He said it was scary, so scary. He loved it and then not watching again felt like he’d not just gone back to zero, but worse. The temptation to go back was so strong. Heroin - way easier to kick! A cautionary tale, not that I thought for a second that you’d allow yourself a day off!
 

SimonM

Active Member
Triggered by another post I just read... places I've masturbated at. A reminder how f*ed up my life really was:

- In a very public booth at a University Library
- in my research lab
- in my student's class room (when it was empty)
- in my school's washroom
- on the train
- lying on the beach with people all around me
- in my office
- in the washroom right next to my sleeping wife
- at my computer while my kids were playing in the next room
- Sitting by the lake while my brother went for a dip (we were camping together)
- Using my mom's computer, using my partner's phone, using my work computer
- in the University computer lab
- simulating a certain position over a park bench in a dark campground
- in the cow barn on a farm
- beside a cliff where I went climbing
- in the car before going home
- in a peep show booth where there was nothing but a dirty kleenex on the floor to "clean up" with
- in the shower with my kid on the other side of the curtain

Damn. All for a little squirt and dopamine release.
I am feeling very grateful today that I've made it almost six months without P and as a consequence my masturbating ways have also been way reduced and certainly haven't involved humiliating myself in my own eyes.

Sixth month.
 

PrometheusUnbound

Active Member
Triggered by another post I just read... places I've masturbated at. A reminder how f*ed up my life really was:

- In a very public booth at a University Library
- in my research lab
- in my student's class room (when it was empty)
- in my school's washroom
- on the train
- lying on the beach with people all around me
- in my office
- in the washroom right next to my sleeping wife
- at my computer while my kids were playing in the next room
- Sitting by the lake while my brother went for a dip (we were camping together)
- Using my mom's computer, using my partner's phone, using my work computer
- in the University computer lab
- simulating a certain position over a park bench in a dark campground
- in the cow barn on a farm
- beside a cliff where I went climbing
- in the car before going home
- in a peep show booth where there was nothing but a dirty kleenex on the floor to "clean up" with
- in the shower with my kid on the other side of the curtain

Damn. All for a little squirt and dopamine release.
I am feeling very grateful today that I've made it almost six months without P and as a consequence my masturbating ways have also been way reduced and certainly haven't involved humiliating myself in my own eyes.

Sixth month.
Thanks for sharing this. I've been there too (well not literally all those particular places). I love the fact that there is a path away from it and being on it is a wonderful thing. Congrats!
 

SimonM

Active Member
I had to re-delete my twitter account, because I re-opened it. That account was the access point to a world of escorts.

I feel much better.

I think we all have *something* that we may find harder to quit than anything else. The *one* thing we don't want to give up. The *one* thing that we wish to keep for a little reward for being so good otherwise. The *one* thing that is just too good. The *one* thing that will ultimately draw us back in, chew us up, and make us feel like shit, destroy our relationships, ruin our self-worth.

This is my something. The only thing I haven't been able to unequivocally extinguish from my thought patterns as an option.
The *one* thing is the most dangerous one - and the most important one to stay clear of.

Isn't that obvious?

Sixth month. Struggling, but hanging on. Getting stronger now.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Keep going @SimonM - you’re a legend. Your struggle is real. You never lie. It’s tough on here. Really tough. There should be tens of thousands of us doing this but there’s just a few. It’s astonishing. Be strong. You are one of the few.
 

SimonM

Active Member
MOd this morning (to the memory of an old encounter). I hadn't in about a week.

Used to relieve the urges. But I don't really have urges the way I used to anymore so instead it just drained my energy. Now I feel down. So I guess that didn't help.

I hope I can pull myself together to have a productive Monday.

Almost 6 months P free.
 

SimonM

Active Member
Feeling very sexually aroused today. Had sex with my wife a couple of days ago but didn't O (on purpose).

In the past I would have released the pressure with P. Today I look forward to finding time to do it with my wife again... and maybe release. Ah, the anticipation! :)

... but while I am not reaching out to P, I AM having graphic fantasies based on my sickest old triggers. I hope they die as I am further and further away from indulging in them...

Sixth month P free.
 
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