Holding the Fool (me) to Account

GBS

Well-Known Member
@SimonM

You always write down your pitfalls and triggers, It’s so helpful. Not only does it bring them into the open, but you can read it back later and realise what you avoided. I hope you also laugh at what you would have done in the past before you changed.

Keep going, you inspire.
 

SimonM

Active Member
My wife is back after a week away. I am so happy with how well that went. I didn't really feel close to turning to P a single time. I felt safe. Boy. That's a first for sure. I credit my iron commitment to not let P be an option. To truly walk down a different road, as that poem says.

The reward? Feeling totally sexually aroused to see her and lie in bed together again :)

On the bad side: I wasted a huge amount of time watching stupid Facebook videos when she was gone. I think I have a bit of an internet addiction sometimes... So not having P, I find a different way to just be numbly entertained online. I'll stop that now.

4th month.
 

GBS

Well-Known Member
Yo @SimonM - I think right now your bad side is just fine. Rejoice, pal, you are crossing the divide. Be aware of your brain forming other deep ruts of course, but otherwise break out the bubbly.
 

TryingHarder

Active Member
On the bad side: I wasted a huge amount of time watching stupid Facebook videos when she was gone. I think I have a bit of an internet addiction sometimes... So not having P, I find a different way to just be numbly entertained online. I'll stop that now.
This is the way of the world, sadly. No matter how many times I try to get away from the internet, that "numb entertainment" you describe is always a thing. Passive scrolling, looking for... What, exactly?

But cheer up: you're 4 months clean, staying away from porn, and things seem good with your wife. Well done!
 

SimonM

Active Member
Had a good weekend. Busy week ahead, which should keep my mind focused on the right things. Not feeling to much body pain or urges.

Lately I have been dealing with some anxiety though. I had that in the past really bad but it's been good for the most part the last decade or so. But from time to time I get bouts of it. It was triggered by some stressful events this summer but it seems now I have a hard time shaking it. I had anxiety at the beginning of my reboot as well. I used to numb myself with P... which is not an option now. It was never a lasting solution either though. But I do feel like my overall lower (much lower) level of dopamine in my system (or so it seems at least) is giving me less of a "feeling amazing" feeling... accentuating the anxiety a bit maybe. Having said that, I know the "feeling amazing" highs from P are always followed up by a deep hole. The hole cannot be avoided and ends up ruining my life. Especially because the type of P I used at the end was so soul suckingly terrible that I cannot stomach to even look at myself after indulging.

So onward. The 4th month continues.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
You're doing great @SimonM!

Four months is a lot time for healing. I get that anxiety sometimes as well, and it can be really mind blowing when it happens. But you're right, you have to remind yourself that the anxiety that you're feeling now will only magnify significantly after looking at porn. It's simply not worth it!

Especially because the type of P I used at the end was so soul suckingly terrible that I cannot stomach to even look at myself after indulging.
Indeed. Let us be men who happily look in the mirror with no shame behind our eyes. That's one thing I love about my new self, just looking in the mirror! :cool: 🪞🪞

Best brother!
 
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TryingHarder

Active Member
I used to numb myself with P... which is not an option now. It was never a lasting solution either though.
Been there and done that! 😒 I've been dealing with poor mental health for many years, and PMO was what I used to numb myself. Unfortunately, an addiction isn't something you can make compromises on.

"Okay, quitting porn isn't going to be easy, so I'll allow myself to anxiety eat while I reboot."
"Man, I'm feeling so terrible after my father died. I'll go back to porn for a few weeks to help me get through it."

At the moment, I'm not doing so well when it comes to mental health for a variety of reasons. However, the important difference is that I now have the clarity to know porn and other bad behaviour isn't the answer. Stay clear and stay strong, Simon!
 

SimonM

Active Member
Triggered. Not sure by what. Maybe the cute student in the class I just taught? I know that's wrong. I DID not stare at her though, really didn't do anything to ask to be triggered. But I'm just like dry tinder next to a raging fire when it comes to young women. Oh, how I want to give in. And by "I", I mean the addict. The other part of me wants to just get through it.

Don't worry. I won't cave. I am not taking ANY actions towards fulfilling my desires. But MAN does my body want me to!

4th month.
 

Blondie

Respected Member
Stay strong @SimonM.
But I'm just like dry tinder next to a raging fire when it comes to young women.
I know for me I would have to agree with you, and most men would too if they were being honest. However, I would caution to make sure you don't feel shame about this natural desire, but only that letting it run free could lead you back to porn. For me personally, over the years I've had to learn how to be okay with my natural desires, but more importantly, learn to differentiate between them AND what porn has done TO them, an important distinction! Obviously this is easier said than done, but I think it's necessary to do. Porn is alreadly shameful enough, thus we don't need to carry any more unnecessary shame about our desires and hide them in the dark as well.

Shame for me, was, and to some extant, is a big motivator for my past porn use. Thus, I think it's okay to name the desire, even though we would admit that acting on it would be wrong, especially if we're married or in a relationship. Let's face it, us men, from 20 to 80 years old, love younger women, and it's been this way ever since the beginning of time, and no social programing could ever stop this fact. But why is this so? I don't believe it's because us men are "naturally" misogynistic and women are absolutely perfect, no that can't be it. Black and white answers like that are the worst and get us nowhere in modern discussions. The fact is, it's simply a part of our biology, and not even our advanced civilization can overcome this instinct. Us men like younger women because they're fertile and are able to have babies, it's as simple as that. Yes, their bodies are sexy and young, but if you think about it from a more biological sense, some of the sexiness factor goes away, and it helps to understand why we are the way we are.

This is why porn is literally a Trojan horse for us men, because it takes our natural desires and wreaks havoc on them! And, unlike Leonardo Dicaprio lol, most men don't have the looks, status or game to get young women when they are older (hell even when they're the same age!), thus, porn is their only option to "fulfill" that biological need. Variety plays a gigantic part as well.

This is why porn is the devil, and it really needs to be extricated plank by plank from our lives and burned in the Aegean sea, as the Trojans should of done to that damned horse!

Addendum: I don't mean to say that older women aren't beautiful or don't have any worth to us men, absolutely not! I'm just explaining the biology of us men and why we do the things we do. Women have their own biological imperatives, and by looking at the divorce rates,
Tinder and modern hookup statistics, women love the top 20% of men. I call this the Mr. Darcy phenomenon. :cool:

It seems the gods had the last laugh when they made both sexes' biological imperatives different!

Sorry @SimonM, I didn't mean to word vomit on your thread.
 
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SimonM

Active Member
... and... Entering my 5th month. 4 months complete.

Overcoming the addiction is no longer this all consuming part of my life. My body isn't constantly in pain anymore. My habits have shifted enough that I am much less triggered simply by being in situations where I used to indulge in P.

But. It's not done. I fantasize. I have moments when I feel very triggered.

The key is that I continue to see P as not available. I gained this huge boost when I realized that I don't have any (I mean any) when I am camping. Because it's not available. And that I can replicate this state of mind my fully and absolutely denying myself the option to go look at P. I don't allow it to be an option. Something has shifted to allow me to be unwavering with that now, because in the last I certainly wanted to be like that, but I never managed it.

Let the 5th month be a good one.
 
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