No PMO Day 117; no MO Day 55
Piggybacking off a recent post by
@GBS:
I think integral to my own current journey is the idea that porn was not the cause but a symptom no matter how pervasive and encompassing that symptom appeared to be. While I don't doubt that a lot of people get hooked because it's enjoyable and addictive, I think its function is mainly to fill a hole that was already there. And white-knuckling it, replacing it with positive habits for a time, and beating myself up after isn't necessarily going to be enough without addressing the causes of what led me there.
Before I hit my personal rock-bottom this year, I had flirted with the idea of change for the past few. Wrote many, many lists. Diagnosed my problems. Tried to get into shape at various points. Stopped looking at porn here and there. Started music art/again. Meditated in patches. Kept a journal for a few weeks. Swore off junk food for a month. Stopped drinking and smoking. Told myself I. am. too. negative. must. be. more. positive. Read. self-help. Learned about the idea of opening the door and incremental change. Got stressed/sick. Back to square one. Rinse and repeat. And then somehow things got worse.
I am realising that positivity is something to be practised. It's not just the case that if I do X, Y, or Z I will be happier and more positive and therefore won't go back. And then when I don't do X, Y, or Z and am not happier and more positive and do go back I beat myself up about it and then make another promise to myself for the future. Positivity is also finding out why I am so negative and trying to change the focus or the story. What stories have I been saying about myself, life, and the world that are keeping me going round in circles? The things that I have been afraid to face, or was unaware of because I hadn't taken the time to look. How can I look at these in a different way? How can I find fresh, beginner's eyes?
Eyes that are not afraid to embrace change.