What Chris said. Let's get the ball rolling again Escape!We are still cheering for you man. Dust yourself off and pick yourself back up,
What Chris said. Let's get the ball rolling again Escape!We are still cheering for you man. Dust yourself off and pick yourself back up,
Difficult but I'll try. Thanks.What Chris said. Let's get the ball rolling again Escape!
Day 1
Day fuckin one again as yesterday I relapsed. I watched porn pretty much all afternoon and completed a full PMO by late in the evening. I don't need to say anything further as we pretty much know how I feel.
Nah, man, fuck all the repetition, I'm fed up with writing the same things here. But I agree with you, I need to make some changes. Thanks.Your feelings matter, Escape. This is YOUR journal, who cares if it sounds like 'repeat' to others. It's important for you to express your feelings anyway.
Okay, so a few lapses. Eventually all that activity (which follows a bunch of internal activity, like thoughts and feelings) will calm down. That's when you can just 'set it and-forget it', and go on for another streak. String enough lengthy streaks together, and you'll have a better year.
It's only the beginning, don't try and project too much how the year will go... Change it up somehow, and it will change. Same ol' means same ol'- so, find a way to switch things up.
Best to you!
You know, I appreciate the advice. It probably sound good, on paper, but there is a bigger picture here.Snap out of it. Go do something else. Anything other than drink!
NOW!
I know, man. I know I should look for help. I think the hardest part is finding the courage to make the first step and after that it probably should get better. All I know is that somewhere in my childhood, I don't remember exactly but it must've been something regarding my parents, I've developed this big resistance to speak about what was wrong with me. I kept saying I would do it myself only to stay away from having to actually do it because in order to get help, people need to know wtf is wrong with you and that was what I didn't want to do. But yeah, I don't think I know how to help myself so maybe I should stop hiding.Hey @Escapeandnevercomeback. Do you think it's time to go get some professional help? I know you mentioned a while back that you would if you couldn't get a handle on this, thus, I thought I'd keep you accountable to that. There's is no shame in admitting this, it's even heroic, because it means you're willing to do whatever it takes to beat it. This addiction can wreak havoc on our brains, and with your childhood trauma, plus alcoholism, this is doubly so. Not even the greatest generals can fight a two-front battle without extra reinforcements. There is no shame in acknowledging this. Maybe it's time to reach out to people in your circle, if not professionally.
Just a thought brother.
Love
Blondie.
I had to come out with all my issues with my family and it's a hard thing to do but I felt like it was right thing for me to do. SUre they may not fully understand it all and early on said things trying to be helpful that had the opposite effect but with time they kind of got with the program more.I know, man. I know I should look for help. I think the hardest part is finding the courage to make the first step and after that it probably should get better. All I know is that somewhere in my childhood, I don't remember exactly but it must've been something regarding my parents, I've developed this big resistance to speak about what was wrong with me. I kept saying I would do it myself only to stay away from having to actually do it because in order to get help, people need to know wtf is wrong with you and that was what I didn't want to do. But yeah, I don't think I know how to help myself so maybe I should stop hiding.
You're right, man.I had to come out with all my issues with my family and it's a hard thing to do but I felt like it was right thing for me to do. SUre they may not fully understand it all and early on said things trying to be helpful that had the opposite effect but with time they kind of got with the program more.
I don't know what your financial situation is at the moment but have you considered online counselling?
I do my sessions over zoom and find it helpful.
We are still rooting for you man but sounds like something has to change in your approach to this to find long term success.
I think that's hard to break, but it can be done. I came from a family who either always pretended it was "all good" (99% of the time) or, we had these massive uncomfortable talks, but those hardly ever happened. Thus, it created an individual, me, who learned how to keep it all together to put on a good show for the world to see (my parents included), but deep down inside, I had a lot a shit going on, and pain from various problems and past situations, porn being one of them.I know, man. I know I should look for help. I think the hardest part is finding the courage to make the first step and after that it probably should get better. All I know is that somewhere in my childhood, I don't remember exactly but it must've been something regarding my parents, I've developed this big resistance to speak about what was wrong with me. I kept saying I would do it myself only to stay away from having to actually do it because in order to get help, people need to know wtf is wrong with you and that was what I didn't want to do. But yeah, I don't think I know how to help myself so maybe I should stop hiding.
Same. I understand exactly what you're talking about. I've never had those "deep" discussions with my parents either. Our relationship is a lot superficial. Then at some point I stopped talking about my problems, I don't know what exactly happened but it has turned out into a big problem for myself. It's how my big resistance to asking for help comes from. I'm telling you, this is the biggest step to take for me, to initiate this help seeking, after that it should get better but I'm very uncomfortable and scared to even start.I think that's hard to break, but it can be done. I came from a family who either always pretended it was "all good" (99% of the time) or, we had these massive uncomfortable talks, but those hardly ever happened. Thus, it created an individual, me, who learned how to keep it all together to put on a good show for the world to see (my parents included), but deep down inside, I had a lot a shit going on, and pain from various problems and past situations, porn being one of them.
Either way, we're all here because we're addicted to porn and the internet, that is, the matrix. And even though RN is fantastic for connecting to other humans with the same problem, unfortunately, it's still a part of the matrix, with no real connections with other humans beings. I know for myself, opening up to my girlfriend about this, talking to people about anything in general, going back to school, getting out of my head and the matrix and into the real world, has helped me tremendously in my recovery. RN has not been my only source of help and solace I can tell you that.
Maybe that's something you can think about. We all need real hugs and tears, not just the emptiness of staring at 0s and 1s.
You're a hero, I mean that
As always, with love
Blondie
This thing with my parents was definitely a combination of "we don't talk about our deepest fear and secrets" type of thing, not necessarily declared by them but that was the atmosphere anyway, and some conversations that I used to have with my parents, especially with my mom to whom I've had several very unproductive discussions where she literally drove me nuts. So probably this hocus pocus happened in my head and I said fuck it, I don't want to embarrass myself anymore. You feel me? Then I started having problems and the idea that I'm a guy and guys don't whine started to be a thing. I basically left myself all alone in my struggle. But you know, even though people might feel like addiction is weakness or the fact that you've become dependent on some form of addictive escapism mean you were weak and that's why you ended up doing that, I don't agree with it. I agree with doctor Gabor Mate who says that the choice to escape suffering is a normal reaction, we all want to escape pain or avoid discomfort, it's a normal reaction for humans. It's just that we chose to do it in an unhealthy way without knowing cause none of us knew wtf internet porn was anyway at that time.I think that's hard to break, but it can be done. I came from a family who either always pretended it was "all good" (99% of the time) or, we had these massive uncomfortable talks, but those hardly ever happened. Thus, it created an individual, me, who learned how to keep it all together to put on a good show for the world to see (my parents included), but deep down inside, I had a lot a shit going on, and pain from various problems and past situations, porn being one of them.