14. Ok so I have been really down for a while, how much of that is due to quitting porn (or trying to) and how much is just life I am not sure. I did a bit of private journalling where i listed all the parts of my life that feel like a mess, and set out some ideas about how to improve each one. I used a tool I know which is to write about the future, in this case I was taking the spring next year as a marker. In this, I wrote about how life would look if I can take the actions I need to in terms of health, energy, PMO, weight (things I can change) and how it would look if I dive deeper into my cups and lose myself in porn and unhealthy habits. It was very motivating, and I feel more resolution returning just from doing that. My weight loss is going well, that is one positive, but the one thing I want to focus on is regulating sleep better so my energy levels have a chance.
The things I can't change, I have to change my thinking around, see those parts of my life in a different light, a temporary light. I know that writing gratitude lists is the key for this. Also, I may have shared about this before - but I read a book in early alcohol recovery about a man in a concentration camp in the war who managed to teach himself to stay positive. The way he did it was by a simple practice where he looked around and looked for what he could be grateful for, whether if it was basic like a bed, a little food, some water, someone to talk to, or beautiful like an act of kindness, a sunset..and in time he trained himself to always see what was good and positive rather than seeing what is wrong, bad, or missing. I know this works because I have come out of some deep holes before doing things like this.
I am actually around day 6 no MO, so I feel to let this grow a little. I have to stop dithering with all this. Just for today, I am going to write a gratitude list, and every time I feel that sinking feeling, low self worth, or fear over finances/crypto, I am going to try to stop and notice what is good or beautiful.