Wabbajack's - ONE YEAR NO PMO and starting to masturbate consciously

[brazilian]

thanks for the reply!

I'm still far from being ready. I began my reboot only 22 days ago. One of the reasons (not clearly expressed) I broke up with her was the lack of sex, due to my PIED. That's when I took Cialis (you did leave a comment at my journal asking about it btw).

I'm definitely not ready to try again, especially with a girl that I don't have any intimacy, as I'm still in that flatline/low libido period.

 

[Wabbajack]

Then keep fighting and soon you will be ready You're on the right track!

 

[Wabbajack]

Hey, I came back from my hitchhike It was awesome, it felt new and I was happy that I was trying something different for a while Had some minor unpleasant situations during the visit to my gf's camp but I try not to let it get me down I hope we can work on that! Also I talked a lot with her best friend, got some relationship feedback and had a "shoulder to cry on", or rather someone I can spill my guts too. He agreed with me in many things. I'm a bit tired of being a punchbag (not literally of course ) from time to time. She apologizes and so on, but mostly the damage is done, even if I don't show it. I can explain to others that "she is who she is" but it won't convince me. We need to work it out and I hope we will

Also, just found out that in 3 days my 90 days off PMO and MO will be done I want to see three digits there, and more

And I'm getting that haircut tomorrow at 9 AM. I'm scared and excited xD

 

[Wabbajack]

So that's it. FUBAR. SNAFU.

On the 89th day I had something strange happen to me. I was sitting at work and felt this strange, strong sexual tension. I needed to focus so I clenched my thighs and focused on something else. Somehow I felt this growing tension, moved my legs a few times and suddenly I was at the point of no return. I had an orgasm. Just from clenching my thighs. No thoughts, no fantasies.

Immediately I felt powerless, a failure and this energy drain.

Guys, should I count this as a reset? I was on day 89 and my current situation needs no more fuck ups. I really don't want to count this as a reset.

Also because of what's below I won't have sex. I'll have to go hard mode or try to pick up girls as a pain reliever. But I can't stand condoms. What now with the reboot?

My girl broke up with me yesterday. Girl for which I gave up 5 years of my happiness. I was not happy in 4-5 years, truly. I was with her for like 4 periods, this one was the longest - almost 9 months. Manipulative one who kept changing her mind about whether she wants or doesn't want to be with me. Who made me the most unhappy and most happy man alike. I love her more than my life. I'd give up my life for her, as I did my happiness. She's my first love, my love of my life and I NEVER will be able to love someone like this. Never. Maybe I'll love again. Maybe I'll be more happy with someone else. But deep down there will always be her. Always.

But her face will be the last thing I'll see when I die.

The worst is that in the past, our past, when she was not with me I kept remembering the good moments. So much easier to remember them. I know that this relation was toxic as fuck. She is the ONLY THING which ever brought me to this level of misery. But it doesent change a thing...

We were set to go to Ireland this September. Our lifelong dream to go there together. Turns out I'll go alone or with my brother. She'll rebook the tickets to another date. We fulfilled so few dreams...

I even had suicide thoughts. Not enough to do it. But I wouldn't mind being hit by a car to be honest. ME, a freaking optimist!

Also, my lovely dog is old, sick and probably be gone soon .

And I have birthday in ten days :/ Yay...

I'm a mess. I cry myself to sleep. I just want to stop existing so I could no longer feel pain. I need you guys, more than ever...

 

[Asianguy]

Wabbajack, calm down.

just don't think about the reboot for now, maybe ask for a few days off work so you can be with your family, your friends and your dog. Keep yourself accompanied by people that you feel comfortable with.

Wish you the best.

 

[Wabbajack]

Thanks for being there, asianguy. I just feel I need all the support now... I suck at being on my own :/

I go to a convetion for a weekend now. Friends, partys and alcohol. The dog (her name's Patch ) is just an addition. It's not so bad, but we all have to keep in mind that's her last weeks, maybe months

Reboot bothers me only because it's going to be far more difficult now. But hey, I got to make it to 90 days

It's the break up that's the source of it. Of tears, of depressions and hoping for some relief. I was there before. With the same girl. And now I'm in this abyss again.

I'm just afraid, hopeless and sad

 

[brazilian]

Hey Wabba!

I went through something very similar to what happened to you, after my first girlfriend broke up with me. I felt like I would never love any one like I loved her etc. But I talked to my father about it, and he said a small phrase that changed my mind completely when I started to think about it. "YOU are the most important person of YOUR life".

so, wabba... keep in mind that you were/are not doing the reboot for that girl or anyone else, but YOU. this is YOUR life bro. your health!!!
fuck that orgasm. you have been doing a great job!! stay with us!

 

[CrazyGopher]

Greetings Wabbajack,

We are here for you, always. You are strong, and you can draw even more strength from this place when you need it.

You have made it through difficult times before. You will make it through this, too.

Best wishes,
CG

 

[Wabbajack]

Thanks for all the support.

I know I am the most important person, of course. But I made her more important. I gave up my pride and happiness and I'd do it again.

But how to fight what I feel if it makes my life miserable? Already I wish I didn't try harder for getting her back, changing her mind. When I realized she's gonna break up and there's no escape, I calmly made her block all the ways of contact like Fb and so on.

Today I thought I shouldn't have tried to convince her with my arguments but rather try to show her that's mistake. Like try to spend time together, try some new things while not being together (like a relationship) and yet with each other. But I feel it's a mistake and I'm probably gonna make that mistake and fight for her. And maybe win her back. And then probably lose her again and the circle continues.

@Brazilian, were you mistaken? About loving anybody that hard again? I am sure I won't :/ And every relationship from now on will be a fake-ish one.

Also I'm sorry this journal is now more personal, emotional, general and not exactly reboot-related.I don't worry about the reboot. It's just gonna be harder (hard mode) and no sex life and no girlfriend to rewire with and test the results. We'll see.

On the other hand I almost got laid on the weekend. The girl openly asked if if she would want to go to my tent and spend a night toghether I'd say yes. I said that I would indeed go for it. I was drunk, horny, just after a breakup and she was gorgeous.  She was kinda surprised, we were talking for a bit, earlier we talked a bit about our shitty relationship situations. We ended up in my tent, talked for a bit and started making out. She just stopped and said that it's not fair with her bf (kinda bf,complicated) and talked a bit about her own mistake (mutual friend she rejected). She apologized and said that If she changed her mind about sleeping with someone, I'll be first to know.

I must say I was a bit relieved, I wanted it but didn't want to underperform. So I didn't push, even though I feel I could have made it happen.

I feel terrible about a breakup and everything that will follow it, even if I decide to let it go and stop fighting. I feel terrified because I don't believe I'll find someone to love like I loved her. I am also a bit excited and scared because now there's a whole world full of beautiful women. And even though I want to have someone close to me, I know that I should stay away from relationships for a while and learn to be happy on my own. But I feel I can't :/

Probably the coming weeks or months of my journal entries will include quite a lot on the breakup and relationship topic. I apologize in advance

And again thanks for all the support. You guys are great!

 

[Diesel driver]

It is very natural to feel pain after a breakup. It speaks for the quality of your relationship.

While you can and should live out your grief and all other bad emotions you must controll your emotions. Don't let the pain of your breakup seduce you into doing something you will regret... like relapsing.

So far you're doing well I see.
Cheers!

 

[brazilian]

yes, man... I was mistaken. It's been an year and a half since we broke up and I don't even miss her.
the same can happen to you. you'll meet a lot of new girls now.

don't give up your life on her hands.

 

[Wabbajack]

Thanks guys You're really helpful.

But it's not this easy. Or maybe it is. For me this is no mere break up. 5 years we're playing this.

If I had to sum up what I'm struggling with, I'd say:

She has control issues, weakness complexes, she's not able to stand criticism and she goes crazy when people expect something from her. So I am fighting a battle WITH highly dysfuntional person FOR that person. She's both an enemy or a problem to solve, a goal and a defended innocent.

I still believe I can win her and get her to let me - and herself - help her.

I still need to figure out what to do. I must say that when I figured out how it works, I see this situation like a roentgen image and finally I feel that I see her and all this clearly. We shall see

 

[Wabbajack]

Today I smiled and got a smile response from a beautiful girl on the subway When I was leaving and I saw her looking at me even more I winked at her and she smiled even wider Pretty petty thing, but got me thinking about good stuff that can happen because of that break up. Like the thrill and excitement of meeting new girls Plus after this haircut thing I really consider myself handsome and it boosts my conficence, especially in situations like this

Also I met a bunch of friends, had a couple of beers and almost forgot about the problems concerning breakup.

Still it's a moment and depression and sadness will return. But it's a light at the end of long and dark tunnel and it gives me a tiny spark of hope

Goodnight!

 

[Wabbajack]

Hey all

Last few days were pretty mixed. I was very, very depressed because of the breakup. I wrote a letter to Her, included everything I didn't say or couldn't say the day She ended it. Expressed my feelings one last time, it was my last element of fighting for Her. It lies on Her coffee table, delivered by my brother (best brother ever, truly. not only because of this but much, much more) and waiting to be read. Or burned, I don't know truly.

From that day I was supposed to move on and stop hoping. Of course I was depressed entire day We go to a movie marathon tonight (Lord of the Rings, one last time on the big screen) and She was supposed to go with us. It was my dream to watch the trilogy with Her... Basically we had 2 seats open because of Her and Her friend's absence.

I jokingly said that I'll invite the first girl who smiles at me at the subway. There was such girl and I was about to leave the train when I gathered the courage, approached her. I asked for her name, said she has a beautiful smile and invited her for a marathon. She said she'll be there Then I got her my number and we split. I asked her, regardless of the movies, if she'd like to grab a coffee someday. She said "maybe" and I just got a text that she won't be at the movies, but the coffee is a go

I don't know if it's a good idea, I don't want to "rebound". But hey, it's just a coffee and nothing more. And I must say I feel much better, a bit excited and see some perspective Also I won't be thinking about my ex all the damn time during marathon, but rather will try to come up with some nice date scenario I feel much, much better!

And on the reboot topic:

I feel pretty horny. I feel desire to have sex. I tested my erection a few times, once I was able to "touch myself" to erection without any fantasy.

I also made a counter of my Hard More. It won't fit in my signature, but I'll post it from time to time in a post. I count it briefly from my last accidental orgasm.

 

[Wabbajack]

One hundred days off porn and masturbation

I'm proud of myself and even though it is just a beginning and I feel I need much more for a full, 100% recovery I feel I can do it And I'm ready to go for it no matter how long it takes.

I also have some observations:

1) There's no need, desire to see porn. I only have an urge to MO sometimes when I think about sex.
2) No direct porn fantasies, memories of movies or photos. Only fantasies about real girs, although pretty "dirty". Porn-like sex "tastes" are still present and damn, I like them I like to spice things up.
3) Not masturbating became... easy. I had sex throughout most of my reboot but with quite long breaks and the last 11 days of hard more passed in a blink of an eye.
4) MO is no longer an alternative when I'm bored, depressed or have nothing to do. It's not that I have to stop myself, it is just not an interesting option.
5) Morning woods are slowly coming back, sometimes 100%, sometimes less but they're back
6) Same thing for sex dreams, but they still have some "emotional" weight. today I dreamt about my recent ex. No wet dreams so far.

Time for another hundred

 

[Wabbajack]

Just got back from a date She is apparently 5 years younger than me and I am a little afraid of her being emotionally fragile and so on. I am pretty damaged man after all. But the date was great and there will probably be second one. It's nice to spend a regular, nice evening talking and getting to know each other.

On the other hand I will probably go to Woodstock with the pretty hot girl who's into me next Friday. I am afraid of anything involving condoms but what will happen will happen. I'm not going to stop it.

And yeah, I too worry if any of the above is a good idea. We shall see

 

[cpischke]

I admire your courage, I've gone on dates in the last year since my breakup. But I've never truly been optimistic about the dates.  Anyhow, how is the fight going for no PMOing? I'm nearing 30 days, but I'm sensing there may be a deeper Physical issue. Nearly messed up my counter though today.

P.S. I'm growing my hair long now haha.

 

[Wabbajack]

Hey, Csports21! Thanks for replying!

To be honest I am surprised by my courage too It all happened in one brief moment and suddenly I met somebody new It kinda got me thinking that most of our obstacles are inside our heads and WE CHOOSE to stay in the comfort zone because, well, it's comfortable

But life is out there, where you take risks and sometimes they pay off

But I am nervous too. Not about my PIED, because I am sure if thing go that far she'll understand. But I am a damaged guy. I just do not want to hurt her.

As for your problems, I wouldn't worry. You're at the beginning and trust me - things will get better I think physical issues are pretty rare around here, on this forum. Porn is our problem and we try to get rid of it You're on the right track. And I had sex throughout most of my reboot so it was much easier for me at the beginning. You're doing a good job!

I am around 12 days from last (accidental) orgasm and around 23 days from last orgasm with (now ex) girlfriend. And although I feel aroused and think about sex there's no urge to watch porn at all and just a tiny little urge to masturbate rarely. I just got used to not doing it and it became no big of a deal.

I feel like I got rid of porn. I just need to slowly heal damage made to me by it.

Same thing will happen to you.

PS. And good luck with the hair growing Hope it's as much of a good decision as it was with cutting mine

 

[CrazyFrog357]

Hey man,
crazy good job on 102 days. Good going!
Just watch yourself - don't get too cocky or overconfident, I've seen a few guys here fail that way after achieving their goals.
Not trying to pull you down or anything, just a friendly warning
...I've never had the courage to wink at a girl

 

[Wabbajack]

CrazyFrog, just do it once There's a big chance she'll smile and you'll suddenly want to do it again and again Also I feel very confident and I feel like girls could like the way I look after haircut. Damn, I feel handsome I really recommend doing something in order to like yourselves - it apparently helps!

Try as I did: smile at her and wink from outside the bus, subway of whatever. What do you risk this way? Nothing And when I did, I later regretted not approaching her. She was gorgeous!

As my friend said to me: If you smile at the girl, it already sets you way ahead all those guys who just do nothing.

And regarding reboot: I'm neither cocky nor overconfident. And I feel I am still far from getting rid of PIED once and for all. And the goal of porn-free life will end on my deathbed so... xD

I just feel I'm doing a good job and wonder, why I doubted this reboot in the first place

And thanks for all the kind words and encouragement! I wouldn't be where I am without this community and it's support