Thanks for all the support.
I know I am the most important person, of course. But I made her more important. I gave up my pride and happiness and I'd do it again.
But how to fight what I feel if it makes my life miserable? Already I wish I didn't try harder for getting her back, changing her mind. When I realized she's gonna break up and there's no escape, I calmly made her block all the ways of contact like Fb and so on.
Today I thought I shouldn't have tried to convince her with my arguments but rather try to show her that's mistake. Like try to spend time together, try some new things while not being together (like a relationship) and yet with each other. But I feel it's a mistake and I'm probably gonna make that mistake and fight for her. And maybe win her back. And then probably lose her again and the circle continues.
@Brazilian, were you mistaken? About loving anybody that hard again? I am sure I won't :/ And every relationship from now on will be a fake-ish one.
Also I'm sorry this journal is now more personal, emotional, general and not exactly reboot-related.I don't worry about the reboot. It's just gonna be harder (hard mode) and no sex life and no girlfriend to rewire with and test the results. We'll see.
On the other hand I almost got laid on the weekend. The girl openly asked if if she would want to go to my tent and spend a night toghether I'd say yes. I said that I would indeed go for it. I was drunk, horny, just after a breakup and she was gorgeous. She was kinda surprised, we were talking for a bit, earlier we talked a bit about our shitty relationship situations. We ended up in my tent, talked for a bit and started making out. She just stopped and said that it's not fair with her bf (kinda bf,complicated) and talked a bit about her own mistake (mutual friend she rejected). She apologized and said that If she changed her mind about sleeping with someone, I'll be first to know.
I must say I was a bit relieved, I wanted it but didn't want to underperform. So I didn't push, even though I feel I could have made it happen.
I feel terrible about a breakup and everything that will follow it, even if I decide to let it go and stop fighting. I feel terrified because I don't believe I'll find someone to love like I loved her. I am also a bit excited and scared because now there's a whole world full of beautiful women. And even though I want to have someone close to me, I know that I should stay away from relationships for a while and learn to be happy on my own. But I feel I can't :/
Probably the coming weeks or months of my journal entries will include quite a lot on the breakup and relationship topic. I apologize in advance
And again thanks for all the support. You guys are great!