I'm back here after quite a while and, unoftunately, I have a good reason to do so. The PIED is back, or should I say it never really went away?
All was good until the vacations of last year. My GF switched to pills and I occasionally (ok, quite often) took sildenafil pills, so I could keep going. After them I was able to do quite good, they even worked for quite a few hours, so I could go for a second round in the morning. But I made a mistake of slowly, creepingly letting MO to my life. It started with regular MO, then came visual aid in form of triggering photos, after some time I didn't say no to porn GIFs and well, one thing lead to another and I came back to porn for few months.
After that I kept going with sildenafil pills and all was good with my GF, but we fought very often and it was very intense. We also never connected very well in bed so since she was aware of my problem, the thing became a kind of a risky topic. This was the time I made a mistake (or not, maybe?) of being honest and I came clean about going back to porn. I did this to be honest and to keep motivation to stop. I consider it a mistake, because she was furious, cause she gave up her principles a bit when she switched to pills and I repaid by going back to PMO. This keeps going and I try to think that I brought this upon myself
I can only imagine how shitty she feels. She tries to be supportive sometimes, but she is very short-tempered, and the heat of a fight usually prevails.
After that fight I had but one small streak of PMO when I was weak, like few days. I'm clean again. I keep myself occupied and try to stay away from any triggers. I believe I entered a kind of a flatline cause I really don't feel strong urges lately. Before that our sex life really sucked and I often caught myself fantasizing about exes or other kinky stuff I did or planned to do with them. Never about porn, just the women that were in my life. It's always kinky and I believe that porn was really the reason why my tastes are a bit strange for a "regular" person. Anyway, I try to supress those thoughts.
I noticed that pills work a bit worse than they used to. Just this morning we tried to have sex and both were horny, but I couldn't do it, even though I took a pill in the evening, but she was too sleepy. She was supportive, but then exploded but apologised afterwards. I appreciate that, really, and support mostly.
I'm sick of this problem. I have a ton of other stuff in this relationship that I need to work on and now we can't even properly have a make up sex :/ The thing became tense and full of stress from both sides.
And so I came back here, to reread my journal.
I made a two month break from alcohol, started last week. I am in the middle of renovating my appartment, so I don't even have a kitchen to cook healhy, but it is in the making and I plan to change my lifestyle a bit - healthier food and more exercise, less alcohol.
I found a supposedly good psychologist/sexuologist that has an article published on addiction to cybersex and it taps into the whole reward brain system, so I think the guy will know some stuff about PIED.
I have a visit tomorrow and I hope I will be able to openly talk about this stuff. The visits are pretty expensive, but at this moment I'm sick of PIED and I want it out for good. No more comebacks. The only thing I fear that my GF will eventually walk away and then the fight will be far more difficult. But in the end I do this mostly for myself.
Wish me luck. I'll check in soon to write how did the visit go.
It's nice to be back among people who understand
Thanks for being here for each other.