Wabbajack's Journal - difficult time

Wabbajack

Active Member
Good streak, but finally I gave up and MO'd. It was pretty easy to fight and I feel a bit ashamed. But it was one of those O's that just lose the tension and aren't too pleasing. But it sounds like an excuse.

I feel lately like on a flatline again. Even this MO today was not with full erection.
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Hey guys :) Coming back here after a break.

I have a great girlfriend now, I found a way to succesfully use a condom (a cock ring, nothing other that that worked) and try no to fap at all, sometimes with success. No porn since last two years :)

One thing to consider - I recently started using sildenafil pills, since they became prescription free in Poland. works good enough and I plan to use them ocassionaly, not all the time. For now the whole thing gave me a succesfull sexual life :) But I can do better!

So I came back here. No fapping is no fapping, and that is still kind of a problem. I do it to much and sometimes to visual stimuli (photos, not porn, not even erotic photos). So I try to revert from it and from fapping at all.

Wish me luck :)
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
I always appreciate a SW quote :)

So far so good. I've started to really look for the opportunity of sex and somehow now craving for fapping for a week. Taking the ED pills seem a good way of transitioning between "I cant do it at all" to "I can with little help". Plus there's a chance of getting rid of rubber in a month or two. I want to be fully ready for this and not need anything artificial by then :)

W.
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Hello everyone :)

I'm back here after quite a while and, unoftunately, I have a good reason to do so. The PIED is back, or should I say it never really went away?

All was good until the vacations of last year. My GF switched to pills and I occasionally (ok, quite often) took sildenafil pills, so I could keep going. After them I was able to do quite good, they even worked for quite a few hours, so I could go for a second round in the morning. But I made a mistake of slowly, creepingly letting MO to my life. It started with regular MO, then came visual aid in form of triggering photos, after some time I didn't say no to porn GIFs and well, one thing lead to another and I came back to porn for few months.

After that I kept going with sildenafil pills and all was good with my GF, but we fought very often and it was very intense. We also never connected very well in bed so since she was aware of my problem, the thing became a kind of a risky topic. This was the time I made a mistake (or not, maybe?) of being honest and I came clean about going back to porn. I did this to be honest and to keep motivation to stop. I consider it a mistake, because she was furious, cause she gave up her principles a bit when she switched to pills and I repaid by going back to PMO. This keeps going and I try to think that I brought this upon myself ;) I can only imagine how shitty she feels. She tries to be supportive sometimes, but she is very short-tempered, and the heat of a fight usually prevails.

After that fight I had but one small streak of PMO when I was weak, like few days. I'm clean again. I keep myself occupied and try to stay away from any triggers. I believe I entered a kind of a flatline cause I really don't feel strong urges lately. Before that our sex life really sucked and I often caught myself fantasizing about exes or other kinky stuff I did or planned to do with them. Never about porn, just the women that were in my life. It's always kinky and  I believe that porn was really the reason why my tastes are a bit strange for a "regular" person. Anyway, I try to supress those thoughts.

I noticed that pills work a bit worse than they used to. Just this morning we tried to have sex and both were horny, but I couldn't do it, even though I took a pill in the evening, but she was too sleepy. She was supportive, but then exploded but apologised afterwards. I appreciate that, really, and support mostly.

I'm sick of this problem. I have a ton of other stuff in this relationship that I need to work on and now we can't even properly have a make up sex :/ The thing became tense and full of stress from both sides.

And so I came back here, to reread my journal.

I made a two month break from alcohol, started last week. I am in the middle of renovating my appartment, so I don't even have a kitchen to cook healhy, but it is in the making and I plan to change my lifestyle a bit - healthier food and more exercise, less alcohol.

I found a supposedly good psychologist/sexuologist that has an article published on addiction to cybersex and it taps into the whole reward brain system, so I think the guy will know some stuff about PIED.

I have a visit tomorrow and I hope I will be able to openly talk about this stuff. The visits are pretty expensive, but at this moment I'm sick of PIED and I want it out for good. No more comebacks. The only thing I fear that my GF will eventually walk away and then the fight will be far more difficult. But in the end I do this mostly for myself.

Wish me luck. I'll check in soon to write how did the visit go.

It's nice to be back among people who understand :) Thanks for being here for each other.
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Dear Diary...

So far so good. Last PMO was more than month ago, I just came back from a 3-week trip half a world away with GF so it was a clean start for me. The first few weeks were always the hardest so I have them past me now. I don't even crave MO now. More like crave regular sex without stress.

The sexuologist visit was good, we focused on reasons why I watched and preferred porn to regular sex, the backstory and so on. I want to keep those visits going for a while. He suggested group therapy with sex addicts, but to be honest I feel like it's too much. Also I feel that there would be lots of talking about sex, I fear triggers. He told me to get rid of all the porn I have, which is but three DVD's that avoided somehow the purge I did few years back. They're going away. But he also told me I should get rid of my ex's photos, nothing nude, just underwear, I used to fap to those like three times in my life. He said it's for the best and it's better to get rid of anything connected to fapping sentimentally, but I don't think I can. Those photos have sentimental meaning not cause of MOing, but for the girl they depict. I never stopped thinking about her (she's the one from the beginning of my journal) and I accepted the fact that she's in my mind forever. I also think I accepted the fact that she's gone from my life, so I don't worry. Just don't want to erase every trace of her.

I actively try to avoid triggers. Last time when I broke (like big break, after more than 2 years without PMO) was because of them, porn was slowly creeping back. So this time I'm smarter, I know what to avoid.

I have to think about situations that make me want to MO/PMO for the next meeting next week.

Today I noticed something. I saw a triggering photo of a woman [TRIGGER!] with wet shirt, barely covering breasts. I felt a jolt of horniness, but it was not for porn. It was craving for the feeling of fondling them, feeling them in my hands. It came as a kind of touch memory of all the situations when I felt woman's breasts and this was what I wanted, not fapping to the image. [END OF TRIGGER!]

I think this is a good sign.

Also I had a fight (not a fight, more like she was overwhelmed) with my GF, she could not stand my ED anymore, she wanted to break up, it's eating her from the inside. I calmed her down and in the evening we had amazing sex (yay, pills) and I hope to never fail again, even if I had to use pills every damn time. I just don't want to hurt her anymore, but on the other hand I want to get rid of this for her also. Without her it's a huge chunk of motivation gone.

Anyway, I stay away from triggers, don't crave PMO and also MO. Plus I finally found a way to kiss my GF the way she loves it. I know it sounds stupid, but I struggles since she told me that she doesn't like the way I do that and she doesn't for a looong time.

I think it's some success :)

Peace!

Wabba

 

Wabbajack

Active Member
A bit of crazy time here, to be honest. We're having a very difficult time with my GF, about the future, what will we do, she wants kids in two years, me - not this early, I don't feel ready. We fight, break up, act like we didn't, talk about it, get better, and so on. I am afraid that someday it will be over for good :/

Had to reschedule last week sexuologist appointment, I have it on Tuesday. I want to talk about a lot of things connected to libido and urge to have crazy sex.

This worries me.

With my Gf sex is pretty much vanilla and I think I developed a taste for some crazier stuff [TRIGGER!] like oral,rimming, anal, maybe toys and in general being "creative" and a little crazy in the sack. [/TRIGGER!]. I had this kind of sex with some previous GFs and with some FWBs so I became accustomed to it. I like vanilla sex, just something is missing. Add to that that we kinda do not "click" lately and I think this is the reason I keep thinking about having sex with other girls, exes or former FWBs.

This is annoying mostly because I can feel that this kind of thoughts try to interfere with my judgement. I'm renovating an apartament and my GF was going to move in in few months, I keep thinking that if we broke up, I could bang all kinds of girls in a place all for me. Crazy sex everywhere, wooohooo. But I made this kind of mistake in the past, I broke up for mostly sex-related reasons and I regretted it deeply, still do. Because of PIED and the fact that I failed my GF by going back (it still comes back badly during fights) the topic of sex is becoming very stressful and difficult to talk about...

I'm PMO and MO free for almost two months now, and since I got back from Cuba (beginning of March) we only had sex three times, so it's a dry run for me. It doesn't help the normal thinking, plus I feel the pain of blue balls sometimes xD

Anyway, there are highlights. I do not think or consider going back to PMO. I know I would have terrible remorses after plus I just don't feel the urge to PMO, I just want to have crazy sex and be satisfied. Better than wanting to PMO.

I sometimes feel bored or triggered by some image or a piece of movie with a sex scene, but I fight those urges very well. For now.

I worry about my discipline if we break up. I will lose some motivation and probably lose the option to have sex to release the pressure. I worry that I will either fail and MO or PMO or try to bang desperately and regret it later.

Thanks for listening :)

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Crazy weekend. Urges to have sex were driving me really crazy, to the point the idea of fantasizing about every girl around. This is really starting to affect my judgement, considering relationship etc.

Still no fapping though and NO urges to do so :)
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Also, morning woods are getting more common now :) I want to so much to get rid of this problem and be able to do whatever I want with girls WHENEVER I want, not just when I'm on pills.
 

mjery

Member
Great job buddy, you are doing great. You are very determined to get out of this hell. 
Keep going....
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Thanks, I appreciate the support :)

Today I was, hmmm, kinda tempted. I accidently stumbled upon a triggering-ish image, hentai related, I think. Nothing pornographic, just a (RL, not anime) girl doing some kind of silly orgasm face. Not hardcore, not porn, just crazy face. More cute than sexy, but still. I went on googling and found the name of the genre (not going to write it here, obviously), some more examples and a thought hit me "This could be my crazy fetish". I did this partly cause I wanted to see my reaction "down there", there was almost none, but I felt this "rush", like adrenaline or dopamine a bit.

That's when I sobered up, cleared history and reminded myself that this is a path leading to a relapse eventually.

Watched Gabe's video, reminded myself about the porn-related brain connections and realized that what I did was close enough to fire those neurons up.

Similar thing happened this Easter, but on smaller scale, mostly because I was very horny with no girlfriend around :)

PS. Gabe's video reminded me that all those relationship doubts I wrote about before were probably because of porn, that's why I was not satisfied with vanilla sex. I need to stop scuttling my own happiness. So, though control and no googling shady stuff :D

PPS. Spring is here, more dresses, more legs and more skin is seen on girls. I love it and I love to see them, but I definitely still think about what I'd do to them. I need to start controlling these thougts too, or else I'll just keep thinking about them as fuck-meat :/

Peace!

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
I'm a bit tempted, need to stay on the right road. So far so good, romantic weekend with GF and some nice contact. Not what I'd expect but still very good.

Got my new glasses, the world is much higher quality, temptation revolves around looking at P in that higher quality. Just a though, not gonna act out on it :)

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Hi all!

I'm back from the third therapy meeting. We were talking about my successes and failures in the past 2,5 months without PMO or MO (and with but a few moments of P watched, mostly out of curiosity).

RIGHTS:

- 2,5 months without PMO or MO!
- I started noticing (and lusting for!) beautiful girls on the street, for serious!
- I don't crave porn, at all :)
- When I'm about to have sex with GF, sex with her is all I have on my mind! (although anxiety)
- I continue to educate myself on the topic, read more
- I started to try the Tao technices to achieve non-ejaculation orgasm, out of curiosity

WRONGS

- I have quite the anxiety about non performing even on the pills, and thus the second thing:
- Instead of decreasing amount of anti-ED pills I was taking, I increased it, from 1-2 to 2-3 pills every time I have sex.

My therapist was challenging me and suggested that I'm... cured. That the RIGHTS I made was very good and they are signs that the reboot is going great or even it is over. That at the moment  my problem may be a self-fulfilling prophecy and basically my ED comes from performance anxiety, not from PIED.

I'm gonna talk to my GF about this theory and warn her, that something might go wrong, and it doesn't mean I got back to PMO. Then I'm switching back to single pill for sex and sometimes I'll skip.

After all the failed erections are part of the healing process.

Time to gamble a bit :)

I'm excited and very optimistic, because until now I was convinced that I made ZERO progress considering curing my PIED.

Wabba

 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Bit of a crazy time, plenty fights with my GF, even to the point of almost break-up. No sex for 3 weeks apart from one oral. We continue to have a problem in bed, a communication and desire one. We'll be trying to fix that with the rest of the relationship :/ I'm mildly optimistic.

I have a bit of an urge problem for a few days, sometimes I lightly touch my dick while half asleep at night. Nothing serious, though worth noticing. But this plus the more urges to fuck and generally desire may lead to a relapse, which I reaaallly don't want after more than 3 months with no MO or PMO :)

What was worth noting here too was that I got curious when I stumbled upon some crazy hard to believe porn genre (a photo on the funny site, not even pornographic photo) and I watched a minute out of curiosity. It's crazy, mildly arousing, switched it off quickly. Wouldn't do it if I didin't know I can control myself easily.

But this is the road I don't want to take, even sometimes out of stupid curiosity. It may lead to a relapse when I'm feeling worse.

These all things combined, I need to be careful.

Luckily today I'll probably be with my GF for the night and we're lately making up for a fight, so we're really sweet and loving. I really want to make love to her million times tonight :)

But I need to remember what she told me she does not like and be very gentle. Lately doing "the wrong thing" killed the mood instantly. I need to be much, much more confident in bed and much more slow and gentle. I'll pay :)

What I always worry in times like these that if I go slow, I'll lose my nice big erection and it'll be difficult to get it back "online" :)

Thanks for listening!

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
It's fascinating how the whole relationthip thing is going on a rollercoaster lately. Since my last entry I was able to go through a going back together, another break up (or almost one) ans then back to good times.

We had a long talk, we are both tired but we (I think I do, at least) want to try to communicate more. This is the core of the problem and was for a good year now. This is not a damage that's easily fixed, but we're gonna try. We want to go and try a couple counselor. Her idea and also mine, but she expressed it even though I thought she'd be against it... Also we want to talk daily about what was good and bad.

She told me something meaningful: That if somebody banged the heads of any two romantic partners together and forced them to truly talk, there would be no divorces or breakups.

And on the sex topic:

Last night we cuddles and talked about sex, what we like or don't like, what we'd like to do more... I had an almost full erection without pills :D

Still took a pill to make sure, didn't want to ruin the moment. But this is big for me :)

Thanks for listening!

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Had a sex dream tonight (those alone were pretty rare), starring my GF, which is a nice surprise, it rarely happened before, I mean with her. What was strange was I was not fully hard at first (got better then) and I was anxious. In the dream. Also we were using a position she does not like. I wonder what it all means.
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Hey all!

Some time had passed, some progress was made. I'm still MO and PMO free, around three months now. So, in bullet points:

  • Night time erections are usually very good and often
  • Morning wood is hard and appears usually every morning, though not for long
  • I'm a premature ejaculator now, since I come every week or two... ;) Not sure what to do about that, apart from more sex
  • Fights with GF constantly, trying to work it out though, going to see couples therapist
  • GF is very unpleased with her sex with me, says my foreplay sucks, she's turned off by my presence and tries to avoid sex... :/
  • I keep fantasizing about other women, since sex with GF is harder and harder...

The last points are what's mostly on my mind lately. She claims I am unconfident, not realising that she's the one making it worse. Also she wants me to act natural and not think about what I do too much, and yet she critisizes most of the stuff I do. I need to work my foreplay game up.

Also talk to my therapist about this issue. This is not right, I am not satisfied and she also. But I don't feel too much of support. I know that this is a burden of PIED problems, but still, those were taken care of...

PS. Oh, and I had sex without pills for the first time lately and it went... GREAT ^^ A milestone!

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
I was thinking about sex today at work, had a nice (and definitely NSFW :D ) erection I had to wait through before I got up from my desk. I was very happy :D

It may have something to do with loose boxers I was wearing with my jeans, as long as I remember (even pre-PIED problem) I had more erections in public (like during puberty) while wearing loose boxers. The feeling must be different.

Anyway, aside from a bit of premature ejaculation problem and still being on pills for erections (although I sometimes try without them, with limited success), things are going great.

Even my GF when I was unable to perform (got distracted, lost erection, couldn't get up again) she was very supportive and after a moment of pleasing her I became hard again and we did it :) On pills, but still :)

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Tough day, plenty of stupid doubts about my relationship and thinking about my ex (the one from the beginning of the topic, the Big Love). Shitty, since my GF is moving in next month :p I need to wrap my head around it.

I don't know, I feel bad about all this and I know that the problem lies with me, not in the relationship itself...

Plus I'm sexually frustrated even though sex with GF is great lately. But I crave something new, check out many girls outside, wonder how they'd be in bed. Triggering pics (not porn-ish, I stay away from those) are not helping. I have problems accepting the fact that I have a good life. What's wrong with me?

I seldomly go to my old dating account, started checking out girls (nothing more), found one pic that corresponds with the old very mild fetish of mine (white sport shoes, I know, weird :) ) and I got my dick out, gave it a few strokes (never was going to go all the way, but we all know the danger), then controlled myself and stopped.

What's wrong with me? :/
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Hey all!

I plan to talk to my therapist about what's above on Monday, we shall see how it goes. I feel like I'm jeopardizing my own happiness, but on the other hand who knows what I want or need better than I do? It's all confusing and I don't want to end up unhappy and alone, and it happened before...

I try to stay off triggers, it's hard, some sites I usually go to, humorous ones (like 9GAG) tend to have a porn reference from time to time, as a joke, but it still makes me think about what I'd want from my sex like (not to crave porn, thankfully, but rather I tend to think that I want to have IRL what I could see in porn, fetishes, that level of lust etc.).

And I feel it's not right and on the other hand I really want a fucking hot girl to fuck me like she craves me and all that. A one open to new stuff, experimenting and all that. My current GF is not like that, although we lately hit it off in the sack and it's great.

On top of that I feel like I could have a satisfying sex life if I just get used to regular sex like all of us.

That stuff is complicated, more than I thought :/ Sometimes I want love, sometimes I want to have a crazy nympho to fuck her brains out.

I start to believe lately that I am the problem here...
 
Top