Wabbajack's Journal - difficult time

Wabbajack

Active Member
Shit, just looked at porn a fair bit and edged. I need to get my shit together... With GF out of town for a week my urge for orgasm are getting stronger.

It happens when she's away and we don't have sex.

I need to get my shit together, she's moving in in a month so I'll have more opportunities to have sex with her. Until then I need to really get together...

Fingers crossed for me, I don't want to fuck up my almost 4 months no PMO and MO score :)

For tonight it's good, I'm controlling myself... But this is a wake up call that I'm not as porn-free as I thought... It was a close one :)

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Ok, I sobered up (yesterday close call was a drunk one...) and decided to stop going to that humorous site. It's getting garbage anyway and being triggered by funny, yet still sexy and reminding of porn pictures is definitely not worth it.

And definitely those were the reason of yesterday's situation. No more of that.

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
GF is coming soon, I hope we both will be as well :) I have a severe case of Blue Balls from sex talk with her all day and I can barely walk... Sometimes I wish to MO and get rid of it. But don't worry, I know the stakes! I don't want "own" orgasms, just from Her :) I hope for a fun night!

Cheers!

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Another night drunk and alone and another edging. No porn, but some nudes of ex FWB. I See it has something to do with less self control while slightly drunk. Need to limit that.

It got easier to look or edge. I'm worried a bit. Also fantasizing about other women got stronger.

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Hello everyone!

A small update from me. One quick glance at porn, out of curiosity plus to check out a certain position. Could be harmful. I was curious how aroused I'd become and to be honest it was a lot less then expected. On the other hand I watched 30 seconds tops. And I was not attracted.

I keep fantasizing about new positions and stuff to do, but the problem of not fantasizing about my GF continues. I want to do all kinds of stuff to her, but I developed a belief that she's not as interested in sex as I am. I feel like there would be no passionate sex "Right here and now" because other stuff is more important, like cleaning. I may be wrong and I constantly try to try new methods of initiating sex.

Last time she was totally sleepy, but I managed to get her out of the coma and into the coma again ;) Just bragging, joking :D

Also I try to come up with techniques and ways of thrusting she likes which do not make me come quickly. This time I was almost on time (I came but I managed to finish her before I got too flaccid). I wonder if she notices this, since once in a similar situation she said "Did we just come at the same time?" while I was definitely first :D

She's moving in soon and to be honest, I want to try to establish more passion, more desire into our lives. So she'd be more into, well, everything. Not some crazy stuff like anal sex, but regular, but with more passion and more opennes to "Right here..." attitude.

I miss that and I want that.

PS. On pills still, I want to achieve what I wrote about also to boost my confidence and satisfaction to try to get off pills. Also my psychologist suggested switching to taladafilium ones, you take one every few days and you're ready to go at all times. I think they could help me disconnect sex directly from taking some pill.

I want to fuuuuuuck and to feel satisfied. Soooo much :)

And how was your day?

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Fuck.

Whenever I get drunk and and up alone in front of the computer, I tend to go to some funny site that sometimes, rarely, but still posts photos of girls. Some of them pornstars and I end up googling them and edging. I got really close just a few minutes ago...  :-[

I feel really bad.

Any advice?
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
I got a pattern :p Drunk, home alone, porn looking, a bit of edging. No PMO or MO still. A bit of touching.

I think I kinda miss that part of my life, you know? It's strange that after all those months I start to get back to that.

I think I am dissatisfied with the temperament difference and openness between my GF and me. Sex seems... I don't know, boring? And rare. And this is another thing.

I think lately sex became less often than before, but this isn't the case. The regularity is unchanged, my libido is. And with it a desire to try out new positions, I want it on more regular basis, I think about it all the time.

And I believe it's a very good thing, as long as I don't fuck it up with what I've been doing for the last few days.

I need some motivation :(
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Well, edging or no edging, I started to enjoy porn. I don't hold myself when I watch it, though I make sure I don't PMO or even MO. Although it makes me frustrated sexually and not as happy as I should be considering I have a GF.

It fucks up my thoughts regarding certain bodytypes (my type especially), positions and all that jazz.

It makes me unhappy. I can't wait till she moves in, to be honest, I hope I'll slowly get used to normal sex, awesome sex :)

After all, all is better than those stupid pixels...

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Well, I got busy and I stayed off porn tonight :) Not even a glance! I realise the whole thing is quite a setback, but this is the step in the right direction again :)

Night!

 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Not sure what to think about what just happened...

I... came :p

It was not to porn, it was not MO, more like edging with an accident, but also not really.

Here's the story. I got into a big fight with GF, started to browse nuru massage pages, as it was my fantasy to try it once. I know, bad idea. But I was very sexually thirsty, since we're in the process of moving and we don't have the time not power to have sex, we just go straight to sleep. So I browse it, touch myself here and there (like really, a few touches) and at one moment I feel an orgasm coming, wasn't able to stop it. I was on the edge from mostly just browsing, and no porn-like photos. What was my trigger was mostly my imagination and the fact I was on the edge for good 3 days.

The feeling sucked, not a good, nice orgasm, but also no remorse as it was an accident in my book. The remorse may come, though. I feel anxious already.

After five clean months, I hope it will not be a major setback.

What do you think?

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
A bit of a chaser effect, but managable. Nothing unusual, no porn cravings. No MO cravings also. A bit more clear mind since the pressure is gone.

Will report anything unusual.

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
I don't feel the lasting effects of the latest accident.

I slowly come back to edging and peeking, from those two the latter, I believe, is worse.

I worry about my PE, occuring regularly. Before, when I was fapping and I was pretty ok and no PE, now it's a nightmare. Plus we make love with GF rarely and usually no second round, when I could be after O, so able to endure more.

I'm reading about ways to cure PE without MO. Hope for the best, but it seems it's going to take enormous amounts of willpower to overcome.

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Hi All :)

I came here after a strange time in my life. Two years ago I broke up with my abusive girlfriend and went hardmode for circa 3 months before coming back together with my ex from the beginning of the topic. At first all went great, no PMO or MO from my part, sex was awesome, though I used pills. Then things started to go south, basically I don't have sex regularly for the past 12 months, and even if I do, it's strange, not really exciting and satisfying (of course with nice exceptions) since we have some problems in bed, me being a tad too big).

At first I kept going hard mode, but then I started slowly allowing MO into my life - it cleared my mind and allowed me not to focus on sex so much and instead try to mend my relationship. And of course it was all a slide downwards and eventually PMO also came back, for a few weeks. After realising I cannot control it and I want to stop, I came clear to my GF and stopped.  It was a week ago and during this time I was thinking like crazy about sex, fantasizing (although not about porn) and edging. But I felt the energy and I felt good. This morning I relapsed, or semi-relapsed and I felt instatly shitty, not only because of a failure, but also physically and mentally. So I'm coming to my old journal to start over :)

I know that last time I went hard mode I was sure I was getting into a happy relationship soon, and now I'm trying to save it, so sex might not be on the table soon, but maybe some BJ or HJ will be available to help me vent. I feel the difference if I O with my GF - no bad side effects - and if I MO or PMO - then the physical "illness" kicks in.

The first thing is to try not to focus on sex and stay away from edging.

I hope writing here after a while will help me focus and stay on the path.

All the best!

Wabba
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Shit. I'm allowing myself to do it, though I know I WILL FEEL BAD.

I shouldn't drink alone, even "with a movie" or so. It clouds judgement...

Anyway, I'm starting again...

Wish me luck.
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
I thought I'd start writing here since I started thinking about indroducing healthy masturbation in my life a bit and I'm still considering if it's a good idea and not a slippery slope back to porn.

A quick recap of recent years:

Since my last posting I had a long dryspell (around 1,5 years with my then girlfriend, the one circulating about this thread from the very beginning) and I was coming back to PMO on an off while knowing it's bad. When we finally split (thank god :rolleyes:) up I continued for a short while, had a few ONSs and a short FWB story and in the end I met someone and we really hit it off :) I even consulted my therapost if it's a good idea to enter a relationship, he didn't oppose. It's then I decided (again ;)) that it's time to quit for good.

I also lost my job (another good thing) and I decided to go to Mexico alone for three months and used that time to go full hard mode from half of September all the way to the beginning of December.

It was as amazing as it was easy, since travelling solo gave me such huge amount of experiences I didn't really crave PMO and was not even touching myself naughty. Also before I left me and the girl decided we want to make it serious and give it a try so I didn't have a chance (nor craving) to try something with Mexican girls or tourists, another good thing.

Right now I'm PMO and MO free for around 5 months now. No craving, porn-related dreams, residual thoughts are quickly dismissed and I only fantasize about my GF.

I came back, we're still together :) We struggle a bit with sex (she's going through a stressful time) - I don't PMO or MO even and as long as we used condoms, all was well but now we're going on a pill and I'm a bit anxious if I'd be able to not come too early :) Also I'm most of the time on cialis, but I try to limit the doses. She knows I don't fap, though she's not familiar with the reason and the pills.

That's why I was considering trying introducing healthy MO to my life, thinking of my GF, stay off porn etc. But I have doubts and first I want to try and rearrange our thinking about sex - for example making me come first so when we go for penetration sex I'd have a bit of an edge taken off :)

Also I've been reading about slow sex and we plan to introduce certain practices.

Wish me luck and tell me what do you think of healthy (or not?) MO while in a relationship 👍

Cheers!

Wabba
 
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Wabbajack

Active Member
Hi all!

We're having a bit of a dryspell with my GF 'cause of her, to put mildly, ton of stress in life ;) I'm horny quite a lot and I noticed a few things:

  • It's easier to touch my dick and edge a bit, no porn of course and no orgasm, but I feel like I might slip
  • LEss desire to satisfy my GF - this is partly because of her stress and the fact that we have our sex lately like this: we start, everything is fine and then we stop because she loses focus and no orgasm for neither of us. Then, few days later, the same. It's like I'm impatient.
  • Also lack of orgasming but still sometimes having sex has (probably) led me to come waaaay quicker and it's becoming a problem (to add to this she recently switched to IUD and sex is way more pleasurable but also way more intense.
  • Change of the way I think about women. More sexually aggresively. I don't like this since I know that it's a symptom.
  • There's a significant desire to fap and to fap healthily - it probably would be ok... BUT! (there's usually a but)
  • I noticed I started to look and sometimes touch myself a bit to certain visual stimuli, like bodoir photoshoots in my photography Facebook groups. I did this for a time and recently quit those groups. For me this means that I'm not completely free and to start MO now could potentially be a slippery slope back to porn especially since there's this tiny voice in my head that tells me to PMO. I haven't heard this voice since September.

  • BUT! There's also a stronger voice in me. The one telling me to stop before I come and ruin myself a bit. The one telling me it's not yet time to MO healthily. The one making me quit the photo groups because of pictures of women.
PLAN FOR NOW:

  • NO MASTURBATION - given all the above it's not yet time (if ever)
  • KEGEL PRACTICE - to start dealing with premature ejaculation
  • NO VISUAL STIMULI - this is key to discard the triggers
  • STAY STRONG - I got this :) It's just a difficult time, it will pass
  • KEEP WRITING HERE - It helps me to stay focused on the goal :)

I want to ask for your advice - how to deal with the situation?
 
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Wabbajack

Active Member
Few days and close to no urges to fap and no problem controlling myself.

I believe that leaving that photography group was crazy beneficial. Now even while scrolling Instagram I dismiss this type of photos that are presented to me and don't hold on to them.

The lack of artificial visual stimuli really makes the difference :)

Peace!
Wabba
 

FiveFortyFour

Active Member
The lack of artificial visual stimuli really makes the difference :)

It really does, man. Good on you for ditching that stuff. Just reading these last few posts, it sounds like you've had quite the journey, though I'm glad you seem to be in a point of progression now.

Regarding the healthy/unhealthy MO thing and how it relates to your relationship, there's not a lot there I can give time-tested advice on. I can only say what I would do in your situation, about which I lack a lot of important details. Still, my (non-experience based) judgment call is this: you're right to try and cut out MO. I do think that, at least for some people, it can be a backslider into P. If you think that's you, then I would suggest trying to go without and instead finding ways to turn your energy to something else when urges come along. Pick up a creative hobby or go for a short walk or something, whatever works for you.

I would also (and again, be careful, nothing I'm saying here is infallible or takes into account things only you know) try and communicate to your girlfriend the fact that you've been struggling with this. Of course, like you said, she's been going through a lot of stress lately, so be mindful when and how you do it, and make it clear that you're there to support her no matter how rough it gets.

Other than that, give it all time it may take and try to post regularly if it seems to help. I think you've got a lot of positive momentum right now and I'd love to see you succeed.

Once more, none of what I've said here is based on experience, so take all my "advice" with an absolute pile of salt. Good luck and God bless, friend.
 

Wabbajack

Active Member
Thanks for replying :) It's great advice and in the end I decided against MO'ing. But also some things happened or were noticed:

  • I told you all I'm still on the pills but some days for example I take the pill (50 mg, not much) in the evening to have sex and then we go to sleep only to wake up and have sex again - when the previous pill is not working anymore - usually I take a second one. Yesterday I didn't and I was able to hold an erection without help, although at first I was a little soft, but it got better with each thrust.

  • I asked for a handjob to O before we started making love and I noticed that all the tension I was so used to lately dissapeared and I was able to control myself and not come prematurely.

  • During the pillow talk my girlfriend asked me about the lack of MO and I came clean about the reasons - porn addiction and the energy drain after MO or PMO, although I omitted the PIED part since she didn't experience this kind of problems with me. She understood (she's very into certain spiritual stuff and the flow of sexual energy and wasting it if coming just by yourself). She took it very well and I even suggested that I MO right now to start redirecting the thinking about MO as something bad. She agreed and considered this a good idea just that she wasn't ready now. Then we talked about the energy drain and decided that it's not the best idea at the moment. We also discussed the idea of trying to learn orgasming without ejaculation as a solution.

All in all things are progressing in the right direction :) And I'm glad I have an understanding partner beside me 🥰

Peace!
Wabba
 
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